New here, need advice, to vent ...
Hey everyone I'm new here but have been stopping past this site for a while and it has really made me feel a lot better seeing just how many people are in similar situations and have the same sort of feelings and views as me. Here is my story ..it may be a little long.. ill try to cut it down. I would like and sort of feedback and hopefully not too much judgement. Here goes!!
DH has a daughter who is 2, will be 3 in a few months. I have only met her once
The situation with the BM is that they had been on/off in a teen relationship for years and when he was quite young she fell pregnant in one of their "on" periods. He said that they had spoken about contraception and she said not to worry as she was on the pill but anyhow, she fell pregnant. No at the time he was very young (she is older than him) and he did not want to have the baby as he said he was already considering breaking it off before he found out.
He did the right thing and moved in with her and her mother and supported her etc. Thwe mother then kicked him out (she has bi-polar and had not been cosistant with meds)
He left and asked BM to come with him for his daughters sake and she said no. The relationship ended soon after.
He has never been involved in important decisions like picking her name, her child care etc. He was seeing her when the BM would say its ok, usually on Sundays. He was not allowed to pick his daughter up and BM would come inside the house always to drop sd off
Now BM found out he was in a relationship with me she told him on one of the visits that she knew and was happy for him and that if I wasnt to meet the child she wants to meet me first.
I told him no as I dont see it necessary as he doesnt meet all the people that she brings sd around and that when i meet sd it will be if me and him are committed to each other.
I have worked in child care for many years and many friends with children so I just dont think I need anyones aproval.
One day sd was being dropped off to DH and he told her very nicely that she no longer needs to come inside and that he appreciates the effort to drop the daughter to him and that he is more than willing to do pick ups etc. Welll BM caused a big scene in the middle of the street and snatched sd from his arms and left.
It has been a nightmare ever since.
She has verbally abused me many times on the other end of the phone.
I mean like my DH would be getting worked up and all I did was tell him in a soothing voice not to get stressed and to be nice to her and then I hear the "tell her to shut the f##k up, what is SHE doing there etc... anyway
I do know DH is partly to blame, he didnt really stick up for me. I took the phone and was very nice and tried to explain that we just wasnt whats best for sd. I just got accused for a bunch of stuff ive never said and then hung up on.
This abuse happened more times and I have had to bite my tounge even though I am not that kind of person, I pull people up for doing the wrong thing.
I initially tried to get through to her that I wasnt the enemy and that sd really should see her father.
Every week DH would ask to see his daughter and every week there was an excuse. She then told him that his daughter doesnt need him and that she has a daddy (her new bf we had only just found out about) and that his daughter calls HIM daddy.
DH had a convo with her where she apparently appologised for her behaviour saying she had a bad day and that the child should see him etc. and he bought it!!! I didnt
We kept trying and she eventually agreed to bring sd over but her and her partner BOTH had to be there.
It was awkward as hell, but I was nice.
It got even worse after that with her saying that he is unfit to be unsupervised alone and that he has no right to see her and just a whole bunch of crap and also accused me of ignoring her partner when they came over and I was disrespectful.
It ended up with them signing a letter written by her that he gives her all rights and that he doesnt give her CS.
At this point we were emotionally drained and our relationship was falling apart so he gave in to what she wanted.
We both want to see his daughter. I am the kind of person that will fight for what is right and I find it hard to sit by and watch someone to the wrong thing, especially by an innoccent child. I dont think its ok for BM to abuse me at all, there is no excuse. You wouldnt do it to a stranger in the street.
I hate that it is all good for her to find another partner and make her child call him dad and then say that we arent allowed to do this or that and he has no right to this or that.
There are more bits and pieces but ive made it shorter, if you can believe!
Any comments/advice would be good
Ditto - a court order is very
Ditto - a court order is very important in this case. She isn't being held accountable because there's really nothing you and DH can do about the excuses and demanding nature. But a court CAN do something about that.
I also agree, he needs to communicate with her so you don't have to. The only time I think it's a good idea for BM and SM to communicate is if there is a very "healthy" relationship. At this point it really isn't one. I'm sort of a hypocrite on that point, though. I talk with my kids SM because we DO have a good relationship, and everyone is respectful. I also talk to my Skids BM, but that isn't a healthy one. She does stay on track when she texts me, though, so I haven't run into any issues.
He needs to defend himself and you, and also needs to learn to put his foot down and then take a minute to think about what he is doing or saying to prevent another document signing or any other item. It sucks, but he will need to learn to man up, as Cheri said. Trust me when I say this will take a LONG time to figure out and have both sides learn what is acceptable and what is not. We're STILL battling with that with DH's ex. Ground rules need to be set (picking up, dropping off, communication, language, etc). It's hard to convince BMs of that sometimes, though.
Good luck! I'm so sorry this is such a mess for you!
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your advice. I told him from the beginning which is the better road to take just from having seen this stuff before at my work and he was too much trying to keep her happy and make it all nice and calm to just go through the legal system. I think he was so used to being told what to do he couldn't get out of that mind set.
I also told him not to sign that letter but it doesn't have any legal bearing at least. She is the one that didn't want the CS (doesn't go to his daughter anyway) but we have money saved for his daughter anyway.
I've put my foot down now and I told him he is not to contact her and that it's all to be done through the mediation centre from here. I dont want my relationship to have to suffer through any more drama. It is very very sad for that little girl. Not just because it's his little girl and that BM but for any child. How do mothers do that to their own children!!!!
I wish that she was a nice person because I genuinely would have had no issue with her otherwise. People have past relationships, I have, we all have and it doesn't bother me. Rude, manipulative people bother me.
It's so hard. I didn't ever think when I met him that any issue would arise from him having a child. And my issues will never ever be with his daughter. It's tough to get your head around the fact that some people are just mean.
And I am willing to stick
And I am willing to stick through this with my DH because that child needs stability and direction and people who are not selfish to give her advice and guidance and teach her what is right and wrong.
God knows she won't get it from her BM or her family.