New here - but need advice
Let me start this by saying I am not married, so legally these are not my step-children, but I have been in their life for over two years so I view and treat them as if we were married. These children are twin 8 yr old girls and a 10 yr old boy.
My struggle right now is with my boyfriend's ex-wife. I have no quarrel with how she treats him. Honestly, she doesn't treat him well at all, but they are ex's and I truly never expected them to get along as people. My current issue is the way she lives her life is starting to affect her children and her ability to co-parent. Though it hasn't been a bump free ride, it's been relatively painless for how difficult any divorced situation with children is.
Currently, her and her boyfriend of 3 years have moved into a house that they couldn't afford without child support. I don't know how much they make as a couple but they were previously living in a 2 bedroom apartment with 5 people and a dog and barely scraping by. Then she modified and raised child support. My boyfriend, at the time that they moved, was up to date on child support and so there were no problems, but since then, has lost his job. He did not get unemployment. He's in school and getting military benefits for school, so he's able to keep up with his payments, but because it's not automatically deducted from checks, he has to go through money orders and govt channels that take a little longer to get the checks to her.
She seemed to be fine with this, surprisingly supportive and flexible at first. However, she started to realize how far she was living outside her and her boyfriend's paychecks and depending on his child support for everyday life things that didn't involve the kids. It's gotten to the point that she took $50 dollars from one of her daughters to pay for dinner because, and this is a quote from the kids to me, "she didn't feel like getting up and didn't have anything frozen in the kitchen to heat up."
My boyfriend is going to school to get a better job, searching for work and working small jobs in the mean time to keep up with his payments, and he's not behind yet, but she has started to get nasty. She'll constantly ask him about money and will interject things like "well how was I supposed to know you'd choose to be unemployed so long." It's been a month since he lost his job, and it's not a choice. However, he doesn't want to say anything to her rude comments because one, he doesn't want to give her the reaction she wants, and two, he doesn't want to start an argument.
Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I'm really struggling to hold my tongue and I just need advice on how to handle someone so selfish and rude without making things worse for the kids. They never want to leave our house, they ask me to sleep over at theirs and they seem disappointed that they have to be around their mom, but she is their mother and I don't want to cross any lines.
Sorry if this is a vague problem, I'm just at my ropes end and I think I'm out of my league. Please help if you can!
"I just need advice on how to
"I just need advice on how to handle someone so selfish and rude without making things worse for the kids."
You don't. You ignore. He ignores. Don't let it bother you. Ignore her rants. Ignore everything you just vented about.
Seriously the hardest advice
Seriously the hardest advice to follow, but I know you're right. It's definitely difficult to go from always sharing your opinions bluntly to having to bite your tongue.
He needs to go back and get a
He needs to go back and get a modification now that he is unemployed. Why hasn't he done that??????
I should have clarified,
I should have clarified, sorry this is so late, he didn't get approved for unemployment.
Hold your tongue..... and
Hold your tongue..... and his? Why?
Free the tongue and address the facts of her behavior.
"Hmmm, so I see that you and your worthless POS BF can't support yourselves without the money I provide for the support of my children huh? Maybe you should learn to live on your own money instead of mine."
"Wow, being a useless POS isn't working out so well for you is it?"
"So, when are you and your POS BF going to step up and provide for yourselves and the kids. After all, the kids live with you and as the adults you should be supporting them rather than taking money for them because you are too lazy to get up and cook or go shopping."
Lather, rinse, repeat... and go file for a reduction in CS since he is unemployed, going to school to improve his career and earning prospects, and is living partly on his VA benefits.
Bare her idiot ass, keep barring her idiot ass, and never stop barring her idiot ass until she finds clarity adn stops being an idiot. Make sure the facts are shared with the SKids in an age appropriate manner of course. They need to learn the truth and have the facts of their toxic BM's behaviors so that they can learn to protect themselves from her crap. An most importantly they need the confidence to tell BM "No, you can't have my money. That is my money and it is your job to provide housing, food, clothes, etc... for me and my siblings."
If she is being toxic then the toxic behaviors must be confronted and if necessary she must be destroyed personally, socially, legally, financially, in the community, etc.... Tolerate no crap from her.
IMHO of course.
Isn't it a fine line on what
Isn't it a fine line on what you can share with the SKids in regards on opinions and the BM? Everything I've read states that you shouldn't make it seem like your trash talking their BM and any time it seems like we're disagreeing about her actions at all they get EXTREMELY defensive for her.
Like with them taking money. We tried to explain to them that they shouldn't give their money to an adult for basic needs like good and gas, that happened before as well, but they got so defensive for her that they were almost angry with tears. I don't want that to get back to her and hurt him in the long wrong.