New here and it seems I found you just in time!
Hi everybody. I'm new to this site so I thought I'd introduce myself. My story is that I'm a fsm to fss3, no bios, and I just recently moved in with fhd. We have ss3 EOW. Our relationship in this new family is fairly uncomplicated. I don't have a crazy BM to answer to (knock knock), she's very shy and doesn't talk to me, but when she does it's in a nice way. She and fhd have small talk when they exchange fss and she's about to get married with a guy who is very nice. BM and fhd had broken up long before fss was even conceived, and he was a so called "whoopsie" after a... rerun night? Everyone gets along, fss is a good enough kid, and so far I'm not very involved in parenting, mostly just helping out and having fun. So everything should be fine and dandy, right? Wrong.
My problems stem mostly from my own insecurities. Insecurities that lead to resentment and sadness. That our first won't be his first, that I won't be as special to him as if the kid wasn't there, the fact that I got thrown into a life with a kid when all I want is to be alone with my fdh and have a normal relationship. I tried venting my feelings at other step parenting forums but I was only met with harsh judgments, told that I hate the kid and should get out because I was an evil person. I tried talking to my friends and family who just quickly changed the subject since they all are either childless or in nuclear families. I'm one of those people who needs to feel, who needs to vent. And the feeling that I wasn't allowed to have my feelings made everything worse.
I thought I was all alone in feeling like this and that there was something wrong with me. I was a a fork in the road, do I stay with the love of my life or get out so I won't be so sad and irritable? In a final attempt to decide I googled around and I came here. I sat up all night and read your posts. The anger, resentment, even hate. I relished in the feelings, and in the fact that I wasn't alone. And guess what? A weight was lifted off my shoulders! A lot of the sadness and anger just went away. Fhd has noticed this too, and our relationship is better than ever. He told me fss is coming over on his mothers week, and I didn't cringe! I didn't get as annoyed as I would, I don't cry for silly reasons any more.
Ladies, you might have saved my relationship and you have definitely saved my sanity! From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
Oh hon, welcome and I hope
Oh hon, welcome and I hope you enjoy your stay here. That said, this is a very tough position to be in, one I wouldn't wish on anybody. It's natural to have the kind of fears you have--I'm sure every one of us who didn't have children before getting into a relationship with our SO's have felt this way, and asked ourselves is it worth it, and feel bitter and resentful about not being able to experience "firsts" with this person we've given ourselves to.
In some cases, we are angry, and feel robbed of these important milestones by our SO's. These are normal feelings, and ones you should not be ashamed of, no matter how others will judge you for them.
That said, it is how we deal with these feelings that define us, not whether we have them or not. It will also be how your SO deals with your feelings and your fears, and how the two of you communicate about them. Being able to be open and honest and felt sympathized with and understood with create a lasting relationship with your SO.
For example, when bringing up the issue of feeling like you won't be going through firsts together (although every relationship, every marriage, every birth IS a first in it's own right, just not THE first), whether or not your fears and unhappiness will be abated will depend on if your SO views these as firsts with you (which are just as, if not more important as it would be a life both of you wanted together) and his actions and words should reflect that. If it doesn't, then you may need to reconsider this relationship in it's whole, because the way one person acts in one area of their life often leaks into the other parts--if he cannot sympathize with you here, then he will probably not be able to sympathize with you elsewhere on this road to stepparenthood.
I had brought this very issue up with my DH, he above and beyond to assure me that in every aspect of his life, he counts me as his "true" first. The first girl he ever changed himself for, ever truly fell in love with, ever tried to keep when she wanted to walk, the first girl he ever married, and ever thought of having a family with, and our child will have many firsts with us that he never would have had with BM.
This is because when I give birth, he will be right there rooting me on instead of dreading to. Because when our child first walks, first talks, he will look across the room and feel and share the same wonderment WITH me, instead of just hearing about it from BM.
And that makes all the difference.
Someone here once said, and this is a piece of advice I kept with me ever since I heard it (excuse me if I butcher it): The most important things in a relationship are the three C's--communication, compromise, and cuddling. If something doesn't feel right, there probably isn't enough with one of them.
So communicate with him first, and then see where both of you can compromise.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope your SO loves you as much as my DH loves me.
Welcome,Sticksandstones !!
Welcome,Sticksandstones !!
Let me first say that I'm new here also and upon finding this site I felt RELIEVED! I couldn't talk to much people myself as everyone around me either just had babies or were too much involved in their own lives to even listen to my problems. I just became engaged to a wonderful man and he has 5 kids (2 of which are over 18 and out the house) and I'm, well, for lack of a better word "stuck" with the 3 younger ones (13,12,10) to deal with. The kids are very boisterous and a bit disrespectful to their father and their BM is no walk in the park either. Sometimes I question myself in whether I want to marry into a life like this. I love kids but not ones who talk back and talk to me like I'm one of their peers. But like they say; it's a packaged deal. *shrugs*
Just glad I'm not alone in my thoughts here...oh and btw, I tend to talk A LOT so sorry if I went way off topic lol. Again, Welcome to the site!
Thank you for such fast
Thank you for such fast replies! I think I'll like it here
I have brought up my fears with fdh and he has been nothing but supportive, reassuring and encouraging, he really is great. He loves me so much, and he really makes me feel it. But I don't want to vent my bad feelings to him, you know? Because I know my feelings very well, and I know that if I just get them out, I won't feel them any more, at least not as much. I want to be able to tell someone that "you know what, everyone thinks this kid is so cute, but I think he looks like an ugly old man", this is not something you tell the parent of a child, heh... if I could just say that to a person and they would be "yeah, that is not a good looking child" I would have it out of my system and think he's cute again. It was the feeling of not being allowed to feel, that my feelings made me wrong and I was completely alone in having anything negative to say. This always makes my "wrong" feelings turn up a notch or two (or a hundred). It's just the way I work, with everything, not just step issues.
On a very good note about firsts though, I'm feeling pretty good about becoming his first ever WIFE, the first girlfriend to live with him (they never moved in together), and a whole lot of other things that he and bm didn't do, that he hasn't done with anyone except me.