New here, am a step father & have issues with Biological Father
I am recently become a stepdad. I've had issues about the presence of the biological father in the household, long story short he was never there. He did some extremely terrible things to my wife & stepdaughter many years ago shortly after stepdaughter was born long before I entered the picture, he's in jail for it & can't be in the same city or have any contact with them.
I have issues that wife decided to tell stepdaughter of her dad right away being that she's too young to understand things at a young age. I understood the time she told him because she saw other kids with dads and she had none, now she has one even if I'm not the real dad.
wife's explanation is that she wants her daughter to know her heritage & background, I get that. She says her sister grew up without knowing who her father is and is messed up for it so she didn't want her daughter to live the same way. Fair enough.
I'll say this, I am not asking for stepdaughter to never know who her daddy is, I would never keep her away from knowing of her fathers side of the family.
My problem is that she has lots of his pictures stored in the closet, picture on the wall & from time to time wife tends to bring him up out of the blue.
I may just need to get over his presence in the house but I find it very sickening to my stomach that what this man did to both of them that effects them to this day feels like he has a place in this house. He's a part of my stepdaughter and always will be but that's where I would like it to end. I think there is a time and place to explain to her about her father but I think right now since she's too young to understand I think is not the best thing to do. She sees nothing wrong with him & doesn't understand what went on (and shouldn't until later on when she's older).
Wife doesn't seem to understand what I'm feeling. She thinks I'm trying to keep her away from knowing her father or her fathers background which is not the case at all.
For someone who did something so bad to them & basically just is the sperm donor with absolutely nothing to do with them (as it should) I feel he shouldn't have a place in the house at all, especially now that I am in the picture.
Am I wrong to feel things like this? should I not react to the situation like that? Should I approach it differently or am I just totally in the wrong about the whole thing?
Your feelings are certainly
Your feelings are certainly understandable but under the circumstances I think you should let the mother's wishes take precedence. You've made your feelings known and you've been over-ridden by blood is thicker than water. Your wife has seen what its like to be without a father and she's decided that a worthless blood Daddy is better than none.
I have to wonder also what your wife is thinking. She could simply, in age appropriate terms, answer the girls questions without bringing out family albums or whatever to strengthen the fatherly position. It's almost like Daddy went off to fight the war and is now a prisoner and this is who will someday come back. Yeah - maybe to finish the job this time. Oy veh.
Frankly I think she's still in love with the guy. Still dreaming about her happy family. My advise to you is don't have kids with her. At least until you've decided I'm wrong or she's outgrown this guy. And for God's sake don't have a kid thinking it will strengthen her ties to you. If she is clinging to this guy after all that has happened having your baby won't break those ties. The ties if they exist are the product of a damaged mind and you don't need her to be the mother of your child(ren). It's certainly not worth risking a new child's future on that bet.
That brings us to the question - why even stick around?
^^^ This.
^^^
This.
I agree with OC. I would
I agree with OC. I would also question whether or not your wife may still be in touch with this loser. If not, that may be the next problem. He is in jail, and like many in that situation, becomes contrite and begs her for forgiveness. Court order or not, she decides she wants to maintain contact with him "for their daughter's sake". This gives her a good excuse to keep her relationship with this loser and she feels its OK because he's "Safe" and behind bars. For now.
As far as I know, no she
As far as I know, no she doesn't have any contact with him. The only thing she does get from time to time is updates from the cop who was involved in her case letting her know if he's getting paroled or escapes or whatever So she knows to be alert if he get out or escapes prison. He's serving a five year sentence, he's broken out a few times & done some things to keep him in there longer for now. If he ever gets out she has an order out that he must be away from an additional 3 1/2 years. He cannot be in the same city let alone be in any contact with her whatsoever. I must mention that he has kids with another woman that he doesn't even see as well.
My wife told me that she had left the door open for 2 years to the good family members on his side of the family to stay in touch or have contact with her daughter. Not a single one of them have. Which befuddles me, It does feel like she's leaving the door open for him to enter her/our lives & insists that it's all up to the SD (at an appropriate age of course) whether she wants to maintain contact with him or not. I get that she must know of her fathers side and background but up to a certain extent you know?
Maybe it's just me but if anyone did the kind of things he did, the last thing I'd ever want is to have him around in any capacity, yes she will forever be a part of SD but that's where I think it should end. But I think you're right, maybe because he's behind bars and is "safe" that she feels he's harmless now & wouldn't do anything so she feels the need to keep him around and feels like it's no big deal.
Yep, this.
Yep, this.
I agree, as stated in other
I agree, as stated in other post SD was about 4yo when her mother decided to bust out the family album and show pics because SD was going around to strangers calling them daddy. Thing that baffles me is that she gives her a photo of the guy & SD as a baby at that age. SD only decided to put it up on the wall about a year ago with nothing from mother saying she can't. When I got into a relationship & eventually married her, I knew of her past & all of the things that went on. I stayed because I love her, I just didn't realize how much the Bio fathers presence would stick around to be honest. It's funny you mention kids because she wants to have kids but I'm not fully on board yet & this gets to her.
You might be right on the "in love" factor. I've mentioned this to her & of course she denies it but unless I put her on the spot when she mentions him he gets brought up pretty often. I'm often compared to him, when we drive by areas she reminds me of a time she left him there to walk home, little things regarding traits with SD & other small things she doesn't really see as a problem but I do. One of the things that really gets to me is that when we argue about him, she mentions that he wasn't always like that, that as with any relationship they have good times and bad. I scoff, because from what she had told me of him & from the court/police records I read & what she tells me he did to them one would think that regardless of the 6 years they spent together that bad outweighs any of the brief good they did have together. I'm still skeptical about it all & still question whether she has feelings or love for him even when she has told me she doesn't.
I think your wife is trying
I think your wife is trying to make up for something from her past. Honestly, I think therapy is in order for your wife. It sounds like the abused is not completely over the abuser.
I know someone who insists on being in contact with an exBF who ran over her with a car and then kidnapped her sending the police on a wild chase, under the guise of having a kid together. The guy could care less but the girl can't stop brining his "presence" around. It led to her falling out with her sister and entire family because she wants him around so bad.
The only appropriate way for your wife to bring him up would be to answer her child's questions WHEN THEY ARE ASKED. Otherwise she isn't letting her child decide either. The kid might end up not caring. Pictures in the house is completely inappropriate unless hidden away in the girl's closet. The only husband's influence who should be there in your home is yours.
I have friends who grew up without fathers either-- the only ones who came out messed up were the ones whose mothers made a big deal about it. The rest live their lives normally.
I totally concur, as stated
I totally concur, as stated in other posts she has no contact other then to know of his whereabouts when he's released to be alert. Other then that nothing else other then pictures & items given to her from his side of the family. She does have therapy & counseling but isn't consistent about it & is a problem for that. It doesn't really feel like she wants him around just his "presence". Nobody sees that but me, I'm sure if her sister & family saw or heard things things she tells me they'd tell her something regarding it as well.
I agree about the picture, I feel that it's disrespectful to me, he has absolutely nothing to do with her other than being a sperm donor. He was off in lala land majority of the time when she was born & really wasn't there in any capacity whatsoever shortly before he did what he did. SD basically was a newborn when he did what he did & I just feel that his presence should only be around when she gets older, understands better & is able to know what went down and decide whether she wants to keep him around or not. At this age (7yo) she doesn't really comprehend or grasp anything that went down. All she knows is that she had a dad, (& from what her mother told her without going into graphic detail) made decisions to not be around. She's said other things as well but that's the basic of it. Wife tells me she tells her all of this because she doesn't want her daughter to grow up hating her & blame her for her bio father not being around.
How old his your SD? I ask
How old his your SD? I ask only because she needs to know the toxic nature of her Bio Dad in an age appropriate manner. Your DW is doing her daughter no favors by glamorizing her abusive convict of a sperm donor.
My DW and I married a week before SS-21 turned 2yo. His Sperm Idiot was a worthless POS and generally has played no role in his life beyond a video game buddy for a few days each year. Most of the COd visitation over 17 years SS spent with Sperm Grandma. The Sperm Idiot is not quite as detestable as your SD's Bio Dad but he is an unconvicted statutory rapist. I dealt with this by being my SS's dad. His only REAL dad and the only dad in his life that was worth a shit. I raised him as my own.
For reference SS is the Sperm Idiots eldest of 4 all out of wedlock by 3 different baby mamas and an only child in our home and family. My wife was 16 when SS was born. Dipshitiot was 24. They were never married. Hence the statutory rapist label I freely apply to him, that and his penchant for molesting several 16yo girls over the years.
As SS aged we used facts, court records, arrest records, recorded telephone conversations, Private Investigator reports, divorce records (Sperm Idiots divorce from his 16yo wife), CS payment history (Sperm Grandma was paying the CS on my SS), etc.......to keep the Sperm Clan under control as well as to counter their toxic lies and manipulations of SS when he was on visitation. We shared the facts, records and information in an age appropriate manner with SS as he grew and matured. This method allowed us to arm SS against the Sperm Clan manipulations and to understand the facts of the Court Order and official documentation so that he would know when they were lying and manipulating.
SS is now 21, a viable self supporting adult and has put his Sperm Idiot and his Sperm Clan far behind him. He knows the facts and that has limited the damage that the toxic toothless morons could have caused. His mom and I raised him to love his paternal family but we also taught him to value character, integrity and honesty so he has little regard for any of the adult members of the Sperm Clan. He loves them but he does not respect them. The three younger also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawn by 3 more baby mamas my SS will engage with but the youngest two are rapidly going down the same path as the Sperm Idiot so their time of any value to my SS is rapidly coming to a close.
I suggest that you sit your bride down, explain to her the facts of the Sperm Donor's detestable character and how building him up to your daughter as something he is not is detrimental to her now and will be increasingly detrimental as SD grows older. SD is far better off with the facts. Make sure your bride has absolutely clarity on this topic. Then raise your daughter by being the best example of a father, husband and man that you can be.
My SS knows who his REAL dad is just as your daughter will know that you are her REAL dad. Regardless of biology REAL fathers are not toxic and do what is necessary to protect their children from toxic people including protecting them from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck Dad.
Sincerely,
My stepdaughter is 7 years
My stepdaughter is 7 years old, will be eight this year. SD was about 2yo when I met my Significant other. SD was about 4yo when we started a relationship. I might add that was around the time she introduced the bio dad into her life. SD was from what I was told going around strangers calling them daddy which made her mom very uneasy/unsettled & embarrassed. I can see why she would tell her but am wondering why she felt the need to show her she has a daddy & let alone give her a photo of him and her to keep around. It was only about a year ago (we were in a relationship at the time) that SD put it on the wall. I've had a problem with it since, especially now that I'm the stepfather to her. SD & I have a great connection as well which kind of makes it a bit more harder. Also when I talked to her about this whole situation ironically sd found a set of pics of him and her as a baby that fell from a bag that was stuffed in her closet that wife found during a cleaning session. She wanted to put those up as well, that made me feel wonderful of course.
One of my best friends has
One of my best friends has told me that no matter how hard stepparents try to please the step children, we would never be great in their eyes. I don't want to make it as a competition because my boyfriend hates his ex wife and he loves me with all his heart. In that regard, I am very lucky to have found myself a decent guy.
However, boyfriend's daughter worships her mother. Although I can care less about it, it does get annoying sometimes. I keep my feelings well hidden because this is the only way that I can keep this relationship going.
I am a 29 year old childless woman and I can no longer picture myself staying with a single father. Love is truly blind but it does fade, especially when reality bites.
I have come to a conclusion
I have come to a conclusion long ago that no matter what I do or how I do it, I am not the bio father nor will I ever compete to be. I know where I stand & what I am to her. The only thing I hope to accomplish is to instill my good morals and values & hope she picks it up & not any of her fathers traits. To be that person she can count on and talk to when she has nobody else to go to. A mutual respect thing you know? I really hope that when she is much older, understands and grasps things better that she'll make the decision to get rid of him completely out of her life. I love my mother very much & if i was in the situation where I had a step dad & bio dad and learning of what bio dad did to both of us I wouldn't want no contact with him whatsoever. But that's just me.