Need some suggestion!
Hello everyone,
Just came here for some venting and suggestion that if I am right or not.
So I dated a man for past 5 years, he has a son (16 yo now). While we were dating, his son used to live with his ex-wife and just 5 months before our marriage, his son showed up at dad's house and never went back to his mom. For some reasons, he doesn't want to go back to his mom or see her. Fortunately, we were just 5 months away from marriage, but we somehow settled with that and got married in August. So while his son was living with him, we did not date just like we used to do in past 4 years. I compromised and waited. Even, in those past 4 years, when his son was around, he was paying more attention to him and sometimes I will not even get text replies from my current husband. I know that he loves me a lot and I wanted him to be a good dad too and spend time with his son. They used to go for travel, sometimes three weeks for holidays in a year to different locations and lots of fun. We did not go anywhere before our marriage, since we were busy in work and I was studying. Though, we always talked about getting married and travel together a lot. Anyways, we got married 8 months ago during this pandemic and could not go for our honeymoon. We took a trip to other city (our first ever trip) for a weekend and had to come back in that specified time because he had to pick/drop and prepare meals for his son, well, I agreed and we came back in two days. We planned our next trip but it kept postponing due to covid situation. About two months ago, we decided for a trip and booked our flight and everything is planned. However, few week ago, his ex-wife showed up to our house kicking our door since she wanted to see her son and son does not want to see her. She keeps showing up at school and house but for whatsoever reasons, his son is "scared" of his own mom and does not want to see or talk to him. Well, cops were called and then they arrested her and she is under some mental treatments.
Now after this all, when I talked with my husband about our upcoming trip, he says that it might happen again and his son will be more scared or needs him, etc, which I did not listen to and said that we have to go for sure. We got into argument and he said that I do not care about his son at all, however, at my end, I want a normal life and quality time spent with my husband. My point is that what can be done for this problem between a son and his mother? It is not going to end in few months and so that I should just be waiting at home. On the other hand, if his son asks to go somewhere, then it becomes a need of mental health and it should be taken seriously which makes him to go out for his son. We do not go to vacations together (3 of us), I decided that since his son is so authoritative and I cant take that attitude, he just gives orders and that needs to be fulfilled. So I feel like that when his son has to go somewhere, yes, he needs a break and then when its my turn to go somewhere with my husband, then I am not understanding the needs and problems of a family and a child (who is scared of his own mother?) and should stay home. Is it a fair thing? I do not want to be selfish person but I do not want to sacrifice anymore. We have not planned any kids since we want to travel and when it comes to travel, then we have these issues? Why would it happen? Just 2 months ago, my husband leased another car for his son because he did not want to go to the dealership where they leased a new car 6 months ago just because of tires (and lost 20k), so this much extreme is allowed for him and his mental health, but what about me? It is the problem that his son has created by not seeing his mother and now why should I suffer? Oh yes, and the nature of relationship with stepson, you can imagine the way he has been dealing with his own mother. I do not care about his attitude at all. He does not eat the food that I cook, and for some reasons on this earth, if I have to ride his car, his dad has to ask permission............ Should I care in return?
Addition to my post, my
Addition to my post, my husband is a wonderful man, but somehow he has became a Disney-dad and I don't interfere too much in it. However, when my life is impacted due to this stupid stuff of his son, I've to to talk and say what I need. I love my husband a lot. And he does same.
He is not a wonderful man.
He is not a wonderful man. Please please don't make the same mistake most of us did with not seeing the big picture here.
Hun, this man has put you on the back burner for a good chunk of your life! It might not seem like it but trust me, before you know it you're older, bitter and chances of starting anew are gone. Either tell him you start coming first (because you are his wife! ) or leave. There is no reason SS needs to be the center of attention all day everyday, and DH doesn't want or care to figure wth is going on with BM to cause such a disfunction.
I wrote some stuff and
I wrote some stuff and deleted it because it’s quite apparent that some family counselling in a ‘safe’ environment may be a good option here ( though I’m wondering why your partner hasn’t asked the boys mother for her side of events).
Has the school given him counselling as they have been involved with his mother turning up?
I don’t know if there is family he can go to while you have a honeymoon?
He maybe needs someone to explain about mental health episodes and does his mother have a diagnosis of anything?
Maybe you need to ask your husband if he’s given you the full picture also. Some men (like my ex) think that by withholding information they are not lying, but it can be very damaging to not know the full facts with which you can base decisions regarding your life on.
Thanks for commenting back. I
Thanks for commenting back. I asked my husband for counseling of his son and he says that son doesn't listen to it. Actually, my husband himself is scared of him that if he forces him for something, he might just leave our house as well the way he has done with his mother. His mother definitely has some mental issues diagnosed and is under treatment but it should not impact our lifestyle. She acts weird only when she doesn't get any response from son, that's what cops also mentioned.
That’s a strange comment for
That’s a strange comment for your husband to make - as in worried the son would leave - he would have nowhere to go!
This is very complicated. - would you consider counselling for yourself? Can you pinpoint who is emotionally blackmailing who (if there is any).
This is going to get very stressful for you if it lasts a long time.
Your husband is encouraging his son to stay away from his mother and you really ought to know a ‘valid’ reason. They are stringing you along.
Yep. I am going for
Yep. I am going for counselling, I want to be a better partner. But the way this boy has affected my relationship over past 5 years and created problems right after our wedding, I seriously feel no consideration for him. Maybe if I had some feelings of love, I could have understood more. But then he gets what he wants, he gets everything and why do I suffer??
You've been more than
You've been more than understanding. It's your DH they needs to be a better partner. He is not taking you into consideration or cherishing you.
Your husband is the one who
Your husband is the one who needs to go learn to be a better partner. And btw, a "wonderful man" would not put you on the back burner to cater to his son. A man who was a good father and good husband would figure out how to achieve a balance. Don't delude yourself into thinking he's wonderful. The man you've described is not.
That’s good you are arranging
That’s good you are arranging counselling. I’m sure others will have good advice. So I just have one more thing to say, - you don’t say about friends and family, etc I hope you haven’t become ‘isolated’ in this relationship (distanced from family and friends)
Ohh. I relocated from my home
Ohh. I relocated from my home country to here, so my all family is in back home and I don't talk about my problems with them. Just want to keep them happy. I have only a few friends but again I don't like sharing my problems with my friends and family. I am in touch with them but tend to be happy!
It is beyond my comprehension
It is beyond my comprehension why you tolerate this child worshipping failure of a mate, man, and parent.
smh
Woah!
You seem to have been so patient! You are not a bad person. You need to be a priority and right now it seems like you are not. Being told that you hate his son because you want time with your husband is not okay. You need to stand up for what you want. Ask for it directly. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. You did not sign up for this and neither did your husband, but it seems like he is not making and sacrifice. He chose to get married he needs to be a husband. We do this to ourselves because we think differently, we want to always be a good wife and be ok with everything, but everything is not ok. Why doesn't he think that way about you. Same situation. I did not see a change until I had one foot out the door. I wasn't bluffing g either and I think it made him step back and realize that he had hurt me. You need to speak your truth and not let your life be ran by a kid. Be good to yourself and keep telling yourself that your feelings are valid because they are. Don't lose yourself in this fight.