my two skids, a selfish ex and my dear wife - need some advice and comments
I have a ss10 (adopted by BF and DW) and sd9. I have known them since they were 4 and dw and I were married last year. Custody is split – M, T with bd, W, Th with us and alternating F, Sa, Su.
I get frustrated because every night we have the kids needs to be a “fun night” or activity and all chores / tasks get pushed to the nights we could be alone. The kids have no chores around the house, they are constantly making a mess and my wife lets it all go. Additionally, my wife and bf have set the kids up for so many activities during the week. Sd9 has sports M, Tu, Th in the evening, religion class on W and sports events at least one day on the weekend. Ss10 has W religion, Th activity and now we are talking about 4 days a week in the fall sports for him too. 
I don’t feel the kids spend enough time on school and don’t feel they need to have 80% of their school nights with an activity in the evening. My wife will never cross her ex and I am stuck taking the ss10 to whatever Thursday activity is that night plus trying to attend other items when their isn’t a conflict.
Am I out of my mind to tell them to handle their own kids’ things? BF has a new wife with a d9 so sd9 and her are in a lot of stuff together. I don’t care if the “other mom” runs his kids all over for everything. Why should I be their taxi when I don’t have any say in the schedule. I have done the scouts every meeting for 3 years – 2 out of the last 3 bf pouted and whined to my wife to work on the pinewood derby racecar. I want to tell them to handle your two kids like you would have had to if you stayed married. Strangers wouldn’t be coming around to run to the 3 activities you have planned for your two kids and yourselves.
I know the BF hates my guts because I have a great relationship with ss10 and pretty good with sd9. I just feel I have good input but – my wife won’t put the hammer down on these items. I figure if BF has to attend all these things he signs his kid up for (he’s pretty selfish so I don’t know that he would give up his things) then maybe it will slow down. I risk looking like a jerk for pulling back and making them handle their own.
I want the kids to start acting better around their BM – she needs to demand more respect. And I want her and the ex to figure out I’m not a taxi service. Sometimes it sounds selfish of me – I just get really torn up about it.
Repeat after me "no, I won't
Repeat after me
"no, I won't be able to drive skids to XXX anymore. Sorry"
"no I cannot attend xxx"
You are not responsible for any of this. Sounds to me like you need to take a class, or engage in an extracurricular of your own. Join a league or sign up for something else fun. Start making yourself unavailable. You are not a taxi and you should not have to deal with the fun nights either. I learned us steps have to have our own schedule and routine independent of skids and their parents.
You can "input" until you are blue in the face, if DW won't parent right there isn't anything more you can do. Its great you get along with the skids, just take it for what it is and leave the rest alone. You can't make her parent.
http://wearestepfamilies.com/?p=512
"I risk looking like a jerk
"I risk looking like a jerk for pulling back and making them handle their own" - well, my advice to you is stop caring about looking like a jerk. You won't, anyway - you will look like a man who is able to set boundaries and be assertive where necessary - this is what you need to do, both for yourself and the good of your family relationships.
Its great and good for the
Its great and good for the family to have a game/fun night say once a week, but children should also be encouraged to study and to amuse themselves in a positive way, I can understand why this annoys you, as for spending quality time alone, I believe a relationship will soon fail without it, as for the chaffeuring, not your problem, I would'nt do it, in all this what about you? How much attention does bf lavish on you? Do you feel appreciated? You sound like a good person who has made real effort to fit in, I just hope that bf appreciates this and tells you so, step parents are often made to feel like a poor second and that will continue if we allow it too. Time to be more self centred I think, good luck.
I wrote this a long time ago
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me
Appreciate the comments and
Appreciate the comments and help. I tried to talk with my wife last night. We can’t seem to come to a consensus. She feels that I am abandoning her to handle all the activities and running like a “single mom” and I tell her that she has to deal with her ex to get a schedule set for them to participate in the own children’s activities.
BF is overall good to the kids but very selfish. His new wife, her mother and grandmother take the kids to a large portion of activities. Nobody tells him no and my wife isn’t good at it either. Then I end up handling the items on “our days” when my wife can’t be in two places at once. I do love the skids but I would never agree to these schedules because I know how much time it takes to do it and how much of it goes unappreciated by the kids (they don’t care whether they play these sports or not) – and I don’t believe in pawning kids off to relatives so a 40 year old man can coach track and play softball. Activities are a babysitter to these people. I see the activities as a distraction.
The kids are really just a pawn in this – that’s what is frustrating. The other house has always been told they have to call the ex’s new wife “Mom”. I find that disrespectful to my wife. The kids call me by my first name – it’s what I expect and want. I see the way the kids are raised at the other house and I don’t agree. It makes me even more resentful when I know I am the shuttle service for the activities BF signed the kids up for and BF takes the night off because custody says it “our night”.
I told my wife last night that if ss10 plays football this fall and practices are 4 nights a week and all day Sunday – I’m not handling the leftover running. The “your night” and “our night” deals are done. BF and wife need to figure out it’s “your kids” and “our kids”.
I am frustrated that my wife seems to expect more from me than the kids’ own BF.
I am frustrated that my wife can’t or won’t stand up to the BF about activities. If I say that we shouldn’t do an activity – my wife automatically looks at me like I am depriving her children of the most glorious fun ever imagined.
I’m tired of being the afterthought – tired of watching her spend all her energy on the kids and then telling me how wore out she is when we have a night to ourselves.
I love the kids but I was raised that kids have their place. My parents always loved us but we knew there were boundaries. My parents respected their own selves enough for that. My wife will do whatever the kids want – to me that is unhealthy.
Thanks for all the input – it really does make it easier to know that there are people who understand from a stepparents perspective.
You aren't out of your
You aren't out of your mind.
I have already told FDH that any and all sports, scouting, or any extra curricular activities his son may participate in are his responsibility. I will not provide any financial or physical support for anything extra he decides he wants SS5 to do. I am the one that handles all of my bio-son's extras, and I expect FDH to do the same SS5. I know he isn't happy about my refusal to be SS5's taxi, but I told him anyway, straight out, no non-sense, and he will have to live with it.