My first post, I hope you can help.

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This is my first post, I hope I'm using all the acronyms correctly! This seems to be the most active stepparent forum I could find. I've posted on a few others and haven't heard back. I hope you can give me some advice!

I've been a SM for about 6 years. My SD11 and I get along well. My DH and BM manage things okay, some tension here and there but nothing terrible. I've seen BM over the years at pick ups and school functions, etc. We say hi and it's cordial and that's it. But we've never really talked.

BM just emailed me to ask to meet with me. It was friendly but vague. She didn't say why she wanted to meet, and my DH doesn't know what it could be. She's been pretty quiet with him lately, not bothering him about things like she used to. My SD is healthy and happy, doing well in school and with her friends, so I don't know what it could be. I've been busy at work and haven't been at as many school functions as I used to go to, but I don't think that would make BM contact me.
I'm at a loss and I'm nervous!

I did email BM years ago to see if she wanted to have lunch with me sometime. I wanted her to know that I am clear about my role as SM and I would never try to replace her as Mom. I thought maybe she'd want to see who I am, considering that SD spends half her life with DH and me! But she never responded so I let it go. Maybe it wasn't the right time, and now 6 years later, it is?

Any BMs and SMs out there, please give me your advice! How should I approach this meeting with BM? I want it to go smoothly, and I'm not sure what to do. Anything I should do, or not do? How do these meetings between BM and SM usually work?

I wouldn't go. Thats a

I wouldn't go.

Thats a cobras den, right there.

I would find a polite response that you were surprised to see her email, after she had rebuffed you years prior. That you thank her for reaching out, but that the current situation has been working wonderfully and you see no reason to change anything.

Or, I would ignore her message as she ignored yours.

Honestly, NOTHING good could come of this. She is not your friend, and you should never pretend she is. Playing best mates blurs too many boundaries. Even if she just wants to say "sorry I was an ass before", she can say that by acting better in the future. No need to have lunch. If she has opinions about your home or your rules or your relationship with DH/SD she can stuff those up her ass. She is not entitled to any opinions about your home and your life, any more than you are entitled to opinions about hers. If she is wanting to meet because she's dying.... well she can tell DH that.

My sixth sense tells me you

My sixth sense tells me you might be right. That's why I'm nervous!

I already told her that I would meet her for coffee. I think I better go?

Do you have any pointers for what I can say if she starts telling me what to do with SD in my own home? She does that to my DH, but not as much as she used to. I don't like it but I don't really know what to say back to her if she tries that with me. I think she should raise SD at her house and leave DH to raise SD at our house. But that's just me!

We;ve all seen that stepmom

We;ve all seen that stepmom movie. Maybe she has cancer or some horrific illness.

I thought of that movie, too!

I thought of that movie, too! But she would definitely talk to my DH about it, not me, if she were sick.

She did say she wants to meet

She did say she wants to meet "woman to woman" so I think it'd be weird if I brought my DH.

It might be what you're saying, I think that makes sense. SD is getting to the age where she needs support with puberty stuff.

I will definitely make sure it's coffee and not lunch! You made me laugh thinking about it as a bad "first date."

I get along great with my

I get along great with my kid's step mom. We've had our rough patches but we communicate all the time about the kiddos. If you know in your heart that she is reasonable logical person, I'd say go for it. Now my ex step kid's mom was a pyscho nut jub and there would be no way in hades that I'd meet with her. But you should know after this many years if is reasonable.

I think it's great that you

I think it's great that you get along great with your kids SM. I don't know if she's a reasonable, logical person. She gets upset pretty easily about things that wouldn't bother me, but who am I to judge?

BM is cordial but kind of treats me like I'm invisible when she sees me. She always has this surprised look on her face when she sees me, like "oh! YOU'RE here?!" Which cracks me up because I've been around for 6 years.

Oh is it possible she wants

Oh is it possible she wants to discuss how to handle things when SD starts her period? That was honestly my first thought.

That would make sense and I

That would make sense and I would be relieved!

My DH is sitting here as I

My DH is sitting here as I type and I asked him if he thinks it could be the 'puberty talk' and he said that actually BM has brought that up to him in the past, that she wants to be in charge of that with SD. So maybe that is it?

But what happens if her period comes on our time? Mother Nature doesn't exactly abide by court orders!

^^ You cracked me up!

You cracked me up!

That's how I feel too. Should

That's how I feel too. Should I ask her in an email? How can I do that an not be rude?

That's a great idea! I'm

That's a great idea! I'm going to send that to BM right now, with the added note: "Maybe you can tell me over email."

Aaack! I ended up texting BM

Aaack! I ended up texting BM what you suggested and she already texted back. I honestly have no idea what to make of this HELP! Here's what she texted back:

"It's time for us to sit down woman to woman and get to know eachother."

Now that's intriguing. I

Now that's intriguing. I might be able to pull that off. Listen and let her talk about herself (which she loves to do) and leave it at that. I am not comfortable revealing much about myself to her.

Doesn't feel safe for some reason even though there's never been huge drama. Am I being paranoid?

Okay, thanks! That's what

Okay, thanks! That's what I'll do. She does like to talk about herself quite a bit so it shouldn't be too hard. Plus, I'm kind of shy, so it's easy for me to listen.

BM is just pushy. She likes

BM is just pushy. She likes to tell DH what to do, and then he ignores her!

I agree. In this case, I

I agree. In this case, I would not go. After 6 years there is no reason for her to know you any better than she does. She can tell SD that everyone does things differently and no one way is "right" for everyone.

Thanks. I did, and she

Thanks. I did, and she already texted back! See my comment above. HELP!

BM just sent another text:

"SD has been asking why we go over to X's house. She wants to know why X and me are friends but you and me barely talk."

X = BM's boyfriend's exwife. BM's boyfriend has 2 kids and they spend a lot of time with SD

SD has told us that she spends time at X's house, they celebrate holidays together. That's not something my husband would ever go for! But he wants to keep things cordial with BM. Doesn't mean we have to do things the same way as BM's boyfriend!

Aaack. Weird. Now I feel trapped!

I guess it's not puberty

I guess it's not puberty then...
Just politely decline, say you have other commitments and leave it at that.

I told her I'd meet her, and

I told her I'd meet her, and now that she's told me why, I don't really know how to decline now?

Tell her let's all meet up.

Tell her let's all meet up. You, your husband, her and her boyfriend. Do not go for a one-on-one with her after six years of no communication.

No and no! I was happy with

No and no! I was happy with the way things were.

I think what's happening is that BM doesn't know how to deal with SD's questions about why one family is different than the other. My DH explains to SD often that it's okay if her two homes are different. Every blended family is different. As long as she feels loved and safe that's what really matters.

But BM doesn't like it when DH says that SD has two homes and two families. Maybe that's why she doesn't know how to handle SD's questions. I just don't know why BM thinks I'm involved in any other this!

Yes, I think this is

Yes, I think this is something my DH should talk with SD about. But why can't BM answer SD's questions? BM's boyfriend's exwife has nothing to do with us! It's weird.

I tried to be friends with

I tried to be friends with BM. After all I didn't know her and I had no beef with her. It became the worst mistake of my life. It opened a door that I wish I had never opened. Some families can just naturally become friends with exes exes new spouses. It sounds like that is what happened with BM's boyfriend and his ex. It does not necessarily mean it will happen with you and her. If it hasn't happened in the past, not really sure it will happen. You can't force it like she is wanting to right now.

If she's wanting things to be more friendly, then she can just do polite chat with you at drop off and pick up and go from there.

If she really wants things to be cordial, then all four adults should go out to lunch. Not just you and her. But you, your husband, her boyfriend and herself. If she wants a meeting of the minds, then all minds should be involved.

Yup. The best intentions can

Yup. The best intentions can lead you down a bad road. After trying to be friends, all of a sudden I was getting texts and phone calls from her telling me what to do with her kid. It was horrible. Thank Goodness those days are done.

If I was this lady, I would not go alone. If BM wants to become friends and get to know each other, then all four adults should just go out to lunch. The stepmom shouldn't be put on the spot like this.

^^^ I agree! "If she's

^^^ I agree! "If she's wanting things to be more friendly, then she can just do polite chat with you at drop off and pick up and go from there."

I asked my DH if he wanted to go to this coffee with BM and he said that might be a good idea, better than me going alone. Lots to think about!

Perfect. And bring along BMs

Perfect. And bring along BMs boyfriend. They can have a man-to-man talk and whip out their dicks and see who's bigger as men like to do and you guys can have a woman to woman talk and compare sex stories about your DH. Just kidding. }:)

But seriously, don't go alone.

Perfect. And bring along BMs

But seriously, don't go alone.

I'm thinking it's puberty.

I'm thinking it's puberty. My YSD was 11 when she quietly took me aside to let me know so we could have some pads here for her. She was too embarrassed to talk to her Dad.

It could be, except that I

It could be, except that I don't think my SD would be embarrassed to talk about that stuff with my DH. Maybe, though. See my comments above with BM's texts that she just sent me. HELP!

Ha! That's funny. I think

Ha! That's funny. I think because my DH did all the hands-on parenting when SD was young (BM rarely changed a diaper), SD comes to DH with boo-boos etc. She's not shy with him about that stuff. But we'll see how she feels about her period!

My advice: say nothing.

My advice: say nothing. Your part of the 'conversation' should be "Mmmmhmmmm" and "Interesting." When she presses for a response, tell her "I think that's something to talk about with DH (or SD, as the case may be)."

Do not take a stand, have an opinion, offer advice, insight, commentary... nothing.

You want BM to get nothing out of approaching you, but you don't want to be rude or give her anything to hold against you. So be neutral. It'll be tough, but you can do it for 20 minutes!

^^^ Brilliant! "When she

^^^ Brilliant! "When she presses for a response, tell her "I think that's something to talk about with DH (or SD, as the case may be)."

Okay. Thank you! I think I can do that. Stay neutral.

It does seem sudden, that's

It does seem sudden, that's for sure.

I would go..just to satisfy

I would go..just to satisfy my own curiosity!! I would however, take DH. Anything that needs to be discussed should be between the three of you. HOLY..I'd die if my FH ex called to meet!

My DH said he'd consider

My DH said he'd consider going but after 6 years he's gotten BM down to email only pretty much and I know he'd really rather not spend any face to face time with her. But he will if I ask him!

Why would you and your dh's

Why would you and your dh's ex have to meet woman to woman. I think that if you meet her on that level you are acknowledging that she is important. Not needed. Why rock the boat now? I know dh's ex would never be the type of person I would have anything to do with. So what if he bumped uglies with her. She is your sd's mothet and you are your dh's wife. Absolutely no reason to mix it up. You have good strong boundaries now. Don't ruin it

^^^ This is what I'm worried

^^^ This is what I'm worried about. "You have good strong boundaries now. Don't ruin it"

But, I'm thinking that if I go and I'm neutral and I defer to my DH and SD, as in "that's something you'll need to talk with DH and SD about" then she doesn't get anything from meeting me and I can tell SD that "your mom and I had coffee and it was nice" and hopefully it will never happen again.

I do sometimes wonder if there's some dissonance in my SD about why she spends holidays with her mom's boyfriend's exwife and their kids but BM and my DH have never done anything like that. She's smart enough to know that every family is different, and my DH has talked with her about how it's okay for families to do things differently. But still, I wonder if this is what BM is getting at.

It may be even more difficult

It may be even more difficult to keep her at arm's length after the meeting than it is now even though you've agreed. I'd just send her a message saying you've over booked yourself and will get back to her when time allows. Then put this out of your mind. Believe me if the two of you were meant to be friendly it would have already happened. She still sees you as the interloper after all these years by saying "oh you're here" as though you shouldn't be. She's wanting to piss on her territory and is looking for your weaknesses to use against you. I know I'm a pessimist but I've seen some crazy bms

Oh boy, okay. I'm starting to

Oh boy, okay. I'm starting to think you're right. Along with all the other women here saying the same thing! I think that's the gracious way to do it ... give her a head's up that I've overbooked myself and let's reschedule. I really don't want her around more than she already is.

Do you think it's unreasonable to expect that if there's something urgent and important she can email me about it?

I would be curious and agree

I would be curious and agree to meet with her but only at a public place like a coffee shop (lots of witnesses). It may be a good idea to set a time limit and keep it short, say "I have 20 minutes on ____day at _:00 clock, meet me at ______." Leave when you said you would, that way she'll get to the point without leaving room for drama to sneak in.

If I do go, I will definitely

If I do go, I will definitely take your advice and put a time frame on it. Thanks!

I don't know if I'd go if BM

I don't know if I'd go if BM asked me to lunch/coffee with her.
However, I would have a hard time saying a no, since I'm a pretty open person.

We have a cordial relationship, can drop off/pick up without DP and with polite, non-personal chat. But that's it.

Maybe I'd go, set a time limit of 30 minutes, and at least you know she can be bossy. If that's so, then the response "that's something you'll need to talk with DH and SD about" is the perfect answer.
I'd volunteer very little and share very little about myself.

Sounds like SD is the "instigator" of this from a slightly removed position? "Why can't all the adults be friends?" Because that's not how it works. And BM ia giving in to it, or did BM think this up on her own (hmmmmmm....I'm thinking that because does BM know all that goes on at her ex's place b/c she's 'friends' with her ex's wife?!). Oh, now I'm thinking be careful....

Yeah, I'm starting to think

Yeah, I'm starting to think be careful too. I don't think SD instigated this.

I will say this, for whatever it's worth. BM and her boyfriend's exwife are a lot alike. I mean a lot - they look alike and have the same interests and the same lifestyle. Me, on the other hand, I'm nothing like BM. We don't look alike and we certainly don't live a similar lifestyle. We might as well be country mouse and city mouse. So I would expect that she's less comfortable with me. Maybe that's why she wants a sit down? I really can't say.

Your gut instincts are

Your gut instincts are telling you this is a bad idea. Listen to your intuition. Quit worrying about being rude. Do what your instinct tells you to do.

If you do meet, I think it needs to be all four of you. She has said this has to do with boyfriends ex - why shouldn't he be involved in this talk? If she doesn't agree to all four of you meeting - I would say there is a hidden agenda.

Okay. The weird part is that

Okay. The weird part is that my DH asked to meet with BM's boyfriend years ago. BM and her boyfriend don't live together but they've been together for 5 years and they spend every weekend together. That means SD spends a lot of time with this guy. So my DH wanted to look this guy in the eye. BM got pissed about it and said my DH was intruding. He let it go. SD seems to like the guy and she gets along with his kids.

Flash forward to now. I don't think her boyfriend would come. I think he wants to stay out of anything that would make him seem like a stepdad. SD has said he feels like a "family friend' but definitely NOT a stepdad. So I think the boyfriend would think this is weird.

My first thought was to not

My first thought was to not meet with her.

Now that I've read what she texted you, I still say, do not meet with her.

She wants to have a woman to woman chat with you, after six years and after ignoring your offer to get to know each other? No, thanks. She has had plenty of chances to get to know you. All she wants to do is put on some show for her daughter since she doesn't know how to answer her question.

One day, her daughter may just ask you the same question, and BM doesn't want her daughter to know that she was too much of a bitch to even respond to your request.

^^^ my thoughts exactly! "All

^^^ my thoughts exactly! "All she wants to do is put on some show for her daughter since she doesn't know how to answer her question."

Thing is: I told her I'd meet up and she already told SD. So now, if I cancel, no matter how graciously, BM will be able to say to SD, "I *tried* to be friendly with your SM but she wouldn't do it!"

How do I handle that?

If you don't want to bow out,

If you don't want to bow out, go but let her talk about herself, you remain a mystery. And let that be the last meet up (and a short one), other than school functions or what not.

Your SD will eventually realize that not everybody is buddy buddy like her mom and her BF's ex. All situations are different. As long as she doesn't see the two of you in a cat fight, it's all good.

Her parents have been divorced long enough for her to know that her mom and dad are not friends. Nothing wrong with her learning that there are different dynamics in life. If what her mom, the BF, and his ex do works for them, goody for them. Don't feel that you have to do the same.

I've been with my DH for 19 years and I can count on one hand how many times I've seen BM, and that counts just seeing her in passing or from the car. DH and BM in one room together? Believe me, that's not a place ANYBODY would want to be.

If you end up meeting with

If you end up meeting with her, gives us an update.

I definitely will! You all

I definitely will! You all have been so helpful to me, thank you.

If you really don't want to

If you really don't want to go - this being the Christmas season is the perfect reason to bow out. I didn't go to a big deal dinner (that I usually love) tonight because I am just too busy right now. I do have an artificial deadline as I'm hosting my first event Dec. 8th - so I need to be done with most stuff like NOW.

But if you do go - remember one thing. You are in charge. She has ZERO power over you. She can say anything but if you don't like it you can either 1)get up and leave 2)laugh in her face at her being such a fucking idiot or 3) Just tell her to go fuck herself. Your choice.

Here's what my response to the pseudo question from SD about why she and her BF's ex are such good buds but you two hardly ever speak:

"You and I have no reason to speak. I suggest you figure out why you have such a close relationship with your BF's ex and explain that to SD. The distance that you and I have is the norm. It's up to you to explain why your relationship with your BF's ex is what it is."

You are here

My first post, I hope you can help.