Moving out of State....
Forums:
First time on this page and have a situation that is driving me crazy. My wife and I with our son want to move out of FL, however my Step Son does not and will be 18yrs old next summer but still a senior in High School. What and how do I go about kindly advising that if he does not want to move then he can go to his Dad....also trying to not cause a major issue with my wife....
Any advise or help would be great. Thanks.
I as a mother, wouldn't move
I as a mother, wouldn't move out of the state without my children. I also wouldn't move my children away from their father.
I'd say, wait one more year and you can move anywhere you'd like.
(That's what me and DH keep telling each other but we say, "8 more years and we can move wherever we'd like".
^^^^^ exactly. I agree 100%.
^^^^^ exactly. I agree 100%.
No way would I move with an
No way would I move with an child in high school. If it is for your job, maybe you can move and wife can follow once kid graduates....?
Not a mandatory move...but we
Not a mandatory move...but we all want to make the move(except him) and he has already indicated that he is heading to his dads as soon as high school is over. So it is just hard knowing that you want to go but really cant, I have been his step dad since he was 5 and would like for him to go with us to experience a different area for a while but he will not. He would not miss out on any time with his dad as that is a rare occasion anyway, just a couple of holidays a yr., and we would just fly him back to Florida anyway. I guess the venting part is feeling that a 17yr old with an attitude and really no respect for my home is keeping me anchored to an area that none of us want to be....
I would suggest that be a
I would suggest that be a conversation your wife have with her son. Additionally, it may not be his or your wife's choice - Dad could contest the move.
I would also agree to stick it out until he's 18 - then he can choose to live where he likes.
That's the thing he turns 18
That's the thing he turns 18 the summer between his Junior and Senior yr. of high school. So he will be a 18yr old senior.
I don't think there's enough
I don't think there's enough info here.
Do your wife and her ex get along? Is their parenting situation somewhat amicable? Do you get along with the kid? Is the move work-related or just personal preference? Is Dad in the same school district or would kid have to change schools even if he stayed?
My gut response is to let the kid finish high school before you move. It's one year, not really that insufferable, barring any other info we don't have.
No not the best relationship
No not the best relationship between my wife and her ex. And no we are in North Florida and he is in the Keys so different area. It will be two yrs and the move is not mandatory but just a major improvement all around. As for us getting along, we used too but since he is older not so much.
OK, I keep thinking about
OK, I keep thinking about this and not getting much done at the office....if this is the place to vent then here we go....
I am more upset about the fact that we all want to move, I want my son to live and experience a different and in my opinion a better area then where we are. I feel stuck due to my step son and he has already said and advised that he will be heading down to his dads to work for the granddad and that is what he is going to do in life and for his future. So my life is in a holding pattern and I feel stuck due to my step son when in realty his future is set and he will end up in the same place no matter what happens in the next two yrs....
If he has 2 years of school
If he has 2 years of school left, can live with his dad while he finishes up, and everyone can agree to that .. then I think it's a conversation worth having.
It really just depends on the situation. Is your wife open to this? I suspect not, which will probably create more heartache and waves and drama than if you just waiting it out.
Hang in there .. and vent away
Steptalk will likely be around for the next 2 years 
Thanks, I wish I had found
Thanks, I wish I had found this page yrs. ago. I have been a step dad for most of my adult life and really hadn't had any place to bounce ideas off or vent.
Its actually leaving FL, and
Its actually leaving FL, and I could never stand to be away from my wife and son. Its hard and especially when we all want to go and I believe that it would be a good experience for him before he sits in the Keys for the rest of his life rotting.
No he would never make it out
No he would never make it out of High school if left on his own....its an odd situation in that his Grandmother(his dads mom) is very big in his life and he has a girlfriend(of course they say its forever even though they are only 17) that will be going to college in the same town as his grandmother and I feel that he will be heading down there as soon as he can and being near his girl friend and grandmother. I also don't really want to see this happen at least not right away as he needs to experience more of the world and other areas and people so he does not just fall right into the same routine as his dad and grandmother and just sit there and do nothing in life.....we want him to do more but his dad and granddad have $ and are and have tempted him with new vehicles and houses and money....very frustrating.
He does summers and some
He does summers and some holidays.
However, it sounds like Dad
However, it sounds like Dad has done well for himself "rotting" in the Keys.
Old family money...
Old family money...
2 years, in the course of
2 years, in the course of your life, is nothing. Personally, I'd wait.
However, if you really want to go now (and I get wanting better things for your own son!) I'd say give SS the option of coming with you or living with his dad. (Assuming those are both viable options.) At least then he has *some* control. ("SS, your mom and I have decided to move to XYZ. We would love it if you come with us, but we'll understand if you'd rather go live with your dad. Why don't you take some time and think it over?")
Not sure what to advise you about your wife - is she on board with this plan to move? If so, what's the issue?
Yes she is on board with
Yes she is on board with moving, however moving the SS is the issue. She knows he will be heading to his dads as soon as he can. So its just the time span between now and then, so yes two school yrs and one summer when I step back and look at it is not that big of a time span. I think its just the feeling of loss of control over my life and my family due to a SS that does not care about our home or life or future....
is it a big deal for the step
is it a big deal for the step son to live full time with his father for one year so as to allow him to finish out his last year?
i get missing your kids and
i get missing your kids and all, but this kid is 17, nearly 18. his mom needs to let go someday and its not like he couldnt fly to your new home periodically for visitation with mom. let him live with dad.
I say wait until he
I say wait until he graduates. Hard to move them in HS. I did it with BS in 5th grade and it was a hard transition. I moved a lot in my life due to military family and suffered every time academically. But, it did make me independent and helped me with my career. I can handle most anything now. I went to three third grades and still couldn't tell time as an adult. Lots of crap like that.
If he is borderline student, this could be disastrous.
As long as his dad is capable
As long as his dad is capable of providing him a responsible environment and encouragement to excel in his final year, I don't see a problem with him staying with his dad if the kid doesn't mind switching schools closer to dad. You could come out for graduation. Not sure why everyone is so against it as long as it's an easy transistion for the kid and he wants to.
Dear Op, I would go in your
Dear Op, I would go in your position, if he can't move directly to dads now, then he can board with a family... He's 18 and planning to ditch you all anyway, move on with your lives, in the direction you chose. (Ps. I am very bitter and twisted by having had my life controlled by my ex and my husbands ex, so please ignore anything I say
)
If you are moving to a better
If you are moving to a better opportunity to support your family then I think it is unquestioningly the right thing to do. If you approach it from that perspective with your bride then you should be able to drive understanding that this is not about nor has anything to do with your skid.
Good luck on the move and the opportunity.
In my opinion, I think it's
In my opinion, I think it's completely unfair to YOU and DW to be unable to make your own life decisions because of an almost 18 yr old. If you've been his stepdad since he was 5, you have done more than your share of sacrifices. You're an adult and should be able to make decisions about where you live. I'm sure you deserve it after raising a step all their life.
You said "he has already indicated that he is heading to his dads as soon as high school is over." That's even more reason for you to go with what you want in life and move to FL. It just bugs the shit out of me that we all have to put our lives on hold for skids who will likely never care or appreciate us in the end.
Don't make someone a priority in you life when you are only an option in theirs!! Sounds like your SS views you guys as an option if he already told you he's heading to dads after delaying your plans to move. He wants you to stay put so he can finish high school but then he will head out the door and might not even look back to say THANKS.
I would tell him, "Here's what we are doing. You are invited to come or you can go take a hike." lol
BTW, you're right--your SS
BTW, you're right--your SS has his life planned out and will end up in the same place in the next 2 yrs anyway (with his biodad). You, on the other hand, are not getting any younger and if you want to experience a different place to live...GO and DON'T feel one bit guilty about it! Life is too short.
I would ignore all the comments about moving being hard on kids in high school. I come from military and my biodaughter grew up with military. She had to move TWICE during high school and she turned out just fine. Probably even better than others because she learned to grow a spine and adapt to new and changing conditions.
I am in process of moving
I am in process of moving countries - SS is 12. If he moves along - don't ask long story- he will need to adjust to a new school, new friends, new language. It can be done.
If you are set I moving then do it. Sort your logistics and get SS into a new school. If it was a mandatory move, you wouldn't be putting things on hold. He still has to years before he finishes school so he has time to adjust to a new school.
Two years is a long time. Move now (sooner the better) or wait it out. If you drag out your decision it becomes a decision to stay.
Its a tough situation, but sometimes you got to bite the bullet and do what you must.