At a loss .. need advice BAD
BM is not supposed to have the girls on Sunday. We had offered the day to her several times, she refused. We made other plans for the girls instead. Today she realized it was Mother's Day and decided she wanted them afterall. After an entire day of her being increasingly difficult (over unrelated issues), DH decided that we will still pick up the skids on Sunday and stick with our original plans.
BM didn't like that (understandably).
She went online and purchased tickets to a Sesame Street park and told the girls all about it and how much fun they were gonna have, etc.
When DH called to talk to them this evening, SD6 was in tears yelling at him. Asking him why he won't let them spend Mother's day with mommy and why he doesn't want them to have fun at the park. She was hysterical.
After hanging up with the girls, he texted BM and told her that this behavior was unacceptable and that she should not be discussing disagreements between parents with the kids. She claimed that SD6 just overheard a conversation she was having with her mom.
He emailed her, reiterating his issues with what had happened. And he began to doubt whether he should bother trying to get the girls on Sunday at all. Maybe it's better to just let it be?
About 2 hours later, SD6 called again and left a voicemail. Still in hysterics, this time apologizing over and over for "overhearing" mom's conversation and causing trouble. Asking him not to be mad at her and saying she just wants to go to the park. There are points in this 3 minute voicemail that you can't even understand the words she's speaking.
I am so beyond livid. I don't know what to do. Obviously, letting her keep the girls lets her "win". I don't care about Mother's Day .. it's a ridiculous fabricated holiday that only means something because we give it this weight. It is stupid to me that this has escalated to this degree. But what I do care about is this behavior. We've read up on PAS and this seems textbook.
So here's my question .. what do we do? Do we let them stay with BM? This means 2 weeks he won't see them because he only gets 2 days as it is. If we DO take them on Sunday, do we try to do something fun? Do we ever address with the kids, or just pretend it didn't happen?
Completely at a loss .. but there is a 6yo girl in a lot of pain over this and it's breaking my heart.
Pick them up and explain that
Pick them up and explain that you dont know why their mom bought the tix for the day she knew it was their dad's day.
Crappy decision on DH's part
Crappy decision on DH's part BUT he already drew the line - if she gets away with this the kids will always be put in the middle because it works.
BTW - Sesame Place tickets can be used anytime during the season.
I wouldn't give in. The kid
I wouldn't give in. The kid will get over it if you go ahead with your plans, and you can explain to her that BM can still take her because the tickets will be good next weekend. If you give in, BM will pull this again, no matter what kind of email he sends. If this is what she pulled this time, do you really want to see what she tries next and how upset SD gets then? If SD understands that the tickets can be used the following weekend, then she knows to ask BM to take her then. That will also piss BM off nicely.
This is where I lean. She's
This is where I lean. She's not losing money. The girls aren't losing the opportunity to ever go.
And as an unrelated point, BM has claimed time and time again that she doesn't have the money to go to mediation and effectively work on the changes to their custody agreement.
But she has $60/ticket for 4 people, plus food/drinks to go to an amusement park? Priorities is a word she obviously doesn't understand.
Part of me feels like you're
Part of me feels like you're right, even if it's not what I want to hear. But part of me feels like giving in encourages this behavior.
This isn't the first time she's pulled things like this .. she schedules things on his days all the time. And the majority of the time he says no, except in rare situations. This is just the first time she's had the girls lay the guilt on him so directly.
But because it's "Mother's Day", he's supposed to let it slide? She had multiple chances. What kind of game is she playing?
Isn't there a parenting plan
Isn't there a parenting plan in place? Most plans make sure moms get the kids on her day and dad's have them on his day. The girls should be with their mom period and it's very wonderful she has fun things planned. She sounds like a caring bm.
It seems to me that it might have been dad who made the poor 6 yr old hysterically upset, not mom. I'm feeling livid b/c your bf sounds a lot like my ex who likes to write emails on how I should act and say things to my children. That's a very controlling man ya got there.
The only woman who doesn't care about Mother's Day is not a mom. I cannot believe you said that. I absolutely love MD and love my kids acknowledging my status as their mom who works hard all year for them. My kids never do anything out of obligation but b/c they have always wanted to.
"We had offered the day to
"We had offered the day to her several times, she refused. We made other plans for the girls instead."
He didn't try to withhold the kids from her. He offered, she refused. They made plans, she changed her mind. This is not his fault. This is her refusing something, changing her mind and upsetting her child in an attempt to get what she wants.
We offered at LEAST half a
We offered at LEAST half a dozen times to GIVE her the day .. no trade, no strings, just to have it because it's Mother's Day and we both think the girls should be with their mom.
And she didn't want it. It wasn't until she knew we made other plans and she got pissed off about other unrelated issues that she decided she wanted the kids.
And she purchased the tickets TODAY. Not like she's had a plan all this time.
I'm sorry, but we tried. She screwed it up. And I don't feel one ounce of bad for her. SHE did this to her kids, not DH.
Did you really "offer to give
Did you really "offer to give her the day because it's Mother's Day"? Did you actually remind her it was Mother's day or did you just offer her Sunday? I'm totally not judging, because I'd have done the same thing (not tell her that it was Mother's day). At this point I think it's a judgement call. If you want to have her mad at YOU and then daddy, take her. If you're trying to stick to your guns for whatever reason, do that. If you want to leave her with BM for Sunday and send that email as another poster suggested and make it clear this will NEVER happen again and send a copy to the court, lawyer, whoever you have, etc. do that. You have to decide who you're trying to hurt/help here. I also agree with another poster that you should just take her and she'll get over it. Just figure out what you and your DH's reasons are and if you're willing to be completely shunned by a 6 year old for a while and how much time you want to spend in therapy. (For us it's 1-2 times a week depending on the kid or either of us). If your BM is as big a b**ch as ours is, she'll PAS the hell out of her. No matter which way we jump, I'll never be mom and daddy should still be with mommy and even though I didn't connect with daddy until they split, it's somehow ALL my fault. Good luck- there are plus and minus columns to this and either way, you're going to lose; maybe win a little.
And not to mention, SD6 not
And not to mention, SD6 not only doesn't know how to use a phone, but she doesn't know any phone numbers. So it's pretty obvious that BM was behind the whole 2nd phone call incident.
She knows how to use the
She knows how to use the house phone, but not BM's cell phone (which she called from). BM (as well as DH and I) all keep our cell phones locked because the kids tend to get on a download games and stuff.
If it was the house phone, sure, I could see that. Even though I would be very surprised if she could recite daddy's 10 digit phone number.
Despite being a fabricated
Despite being a fabricated holiday - aren't they all? - Dad made a crucial mistake here.
I'm always amazed that mothers, the so called 'caring' sex among us, routinely puts their own kids through angonies like this. It's as if emotional hovac is normal and they'll 'get over it'.
There are no unwounded children in a divorce and this one has tramatized for absolutely no reason. In the future Mothers Day and Fathers Day trumps all other schedules.
Well by now you've done what had to be done. How did it turn out?
We haven't done anything yet.
We haven't done anything yet. DH worked until almost 4am last night.
I'll be out of the house most of the day today, so I'm sure BM will have plenty of opportunity to bully him further into what she wants while I'm gone.
*sigh*
I give up.