Just one more question!
Forums:
I ordered the book Stepmonster since so many of you recommended it, thanks! In the meantime can you tell me what my stepdaguhter's behavior will be like if her mom is telling her bad things about me? We've always gotten along really well and I want to be sure I recognize it if she's being turned against me. One of you said that my stepdaughter might be "all messed up" when she's here again. I don't know what that means! Please help! Can you tell me specifically what to look for? She's 5 years old.
I'm just going to throw this
I'm just going to throw this out there.... you're over-analyzing this. There's a great quote - "You see what you look for and you recognize what you know." Basically, it's another way of saying if all you have is a hammer, not only does everything look like a nail but you tend to see a LOT of nails. Relax. Wait and see if anything seems different next time she visits, or over the course of time. If she does or says something weird, come and post about it and we can all chip in with what OUR experiences are. But none of us truly know what YOUR experience will be, so relax and just try to enjoy things when they go well.
Okay thanks! I'm just
Okay thanks! I'm just panicking a little bit because it never occured to me that her mom would make things hard on her daughter only on my husband! I'll wait and see and try not to overthink it. It's just that so many of you mentioned Parential Alienation and I want to know what that looks like.
Okay! She has asked me if I
Okay! She has asked me if I like her mom. I always say yes. I hope my stepdaughter knows I like her, I tell her I love her all the time! Thanks for the help.
Okay, thanks! I just read the
Okay, thanks! I just read the description of Divorce Poison on amazon, I'm not sure if that's my husband's situation. Maybe I ask him when he gets home from work. I guess I could tell my SD that I don't know her mom well enough to say if I like her (because I really don't!) but that would sound weird after my reassuring her so much over the past year that I really like her mom! She asks me that about once a week, usually after her weekend visits with her mom. I didn't realize it was a bad thing! I just kept telling her I think her mom is great!
yes, the biggest thing is
yes, the biggest thing is noticing her saying things or doing things that no 5 year old would do on their own.
just like my dumb as a stump SD13 started using terms like "emotional abuse" during our recent custody battle. she never would have come up with a term like that on her own. we knew her mother was coaching her on what to say to counselors and lawyers.
And so it begins. A 5 yr
And so it begins. A 5 yr old asking "do you like my mom?" usually means that the BM has expressed DISlike for you in front of her. Hope your DHis aware of the BM's shenanigans.
Sorry, I had to look up all
Sorry, I had to look up all the abbreviatiosn to know what you were talking about! It's possible that the BM is talking badly about me. My stepdaughter asks me if I like her mom all the time, actually. I just figured she was nervous about us all getting along. I don't really ever see BM except to wave from the car during drop off. My DH says that his ex is pretty easy to get along with. Her voicemail to him telling him she "doesn't need gifts from your wife" is the first I've heard that she's been unpleasant.
well, they can be easy to get
well, they can be easy to get along with in terms of following the court order (CO) if you are lucky. but they can still make darn sure their kids ally with them while keeping their noses clean with the court.
my SD knows that her mother hates me (hell, she knows her mother hates her father too). she also knows that her father hates her mother. i have never expressed any opinion with regard to her mother, but im assuming that she thinks i must hate her too.
my SD is definteily an alienated child and her mother has kept her apprised of EVERYTHING despite lawyers, courts and counselors telling her not to.
just the other day she asked my fiance "dad, when you marry calypso, does my mother really lose her health insurance"? (yes, she will). no WAY would she have known that or had to know that unless her mother told her. all my fiance could do was say yes, that's the law, but you will still have yours and you will be taken care of.
"My DH says that his ex is
"My DH says that his ex is pretty easy to get along with."
RUH ROH!
Oh no, is that a bad thing? I
Oh no, is that a bad thing? I think she (BM) is releived that my husband agreed to primary care. She has visitation every other weekend. He agreed to that right way (his daughter was 2) and so his ex doesn't really stir up much trouble. This is the first weird thing she's done (getting weird about the Mother's Day gifts my SD and I made for her) and it kind of surprised my DH so that's why I started googling to see if there was a forum like this where i could get advice. Hopefully I'm just overhtinking it and it doesn't mean anything!
You may be over worrying
You may be over worrying about something you can't control. . . when is that Stepmonster book coming in? Your DH sounds a bit "ostrich" not realizing that the BM is starting to resent you.
The book will be here next
The book will be here next week! My husband told me about the voicemail from his ex right away because he was concerned and said she'd never said anything like that before. So i don't think he's "ostrich" but maybe he is. We don't really talk about his ex much since he has custody and all he has to talk to her about is drop off times on her visit weekends.
I ordered StepMonster on
I ordered StepMonster on Kindle two nights ago. WOW the insight. It is really helping me think through issues with SD19, SD14, SS10.
It's probably a good sign
It's probably a good sign that it's been so long and this is the first "weird" thing she's said. Stick around the boards and you'll get lots of support as you go through stepmotherhood!
Do try to remember though that people generally come to these boards because they're having problems with something, so it's not really a balanced world-view - you could easily NOT have all these issues. (I honestly think it's too soon to say based on one weird comment.) But if you do, this is the place to come for advice and support!