Just need to get it all out
Starting at the begining. I have been with my bf for 2 years. We have a wonderful relationship. I have a 7 year old son with ADHD from a previous relationship. His father has nothing to do with him and thats ok. My BF has a 13 year old who he has full custody of, get no child support for and his mom started coming around a year ago. He also has an 11 year old who he has joint custody of and she lives with her mom, he pays cs.
Now the 2 boys live with us and we get along like any other family. His son is a normal teen and my boy... well, he is something else. lol. It's his ex and daughter that are so frustrating. The BM lives off cs and welfare, always has a new bf, and has moved 3 times in the last 6 months. The SD has lied about me from small stuff to telling her mom that I'm abusive. I am never alone with the SD so everyone knows it's a lie. BM never asks about her lies she just calls up and starts yelling at my BF. We explain the reality of whats going on and BM knows SD lies. BM doesn't care, there is no punishment. The latest lie is that I make her do a bunch of chores at the house or she can't spend any time with her dad. SD said that this is MY rule. We called her on it and she threw a fit and started crying and locked herself in her room. I had to make nice with her because if I don't she will ask to go home to BM and won't come back for a month. It's happened before. SD is failing school. BM won't make her go or check her homework. She has all F's and has missed 16 days! at 18 the school can hold her back!! SD showed up this weekend with a new I-Phone. I do NOT agree with the way her mom is raising her and neither does her dad. We don't have the money to go after custody and SD says she doesn't wan't to live with us. Everytime I see SD I am so angry! I know it's more toward her mom than her, but I can't seem to help it. SD for the most part is a good kid and wants to do well. We do ask that she help wash the dishes when she's here. That's her only chore. She doesn't do them by herself and most of the time doesn't do them. But we put up a chore chart and the kids can earn stars. Stars are used to "pay" for the right to pick the movie we are going to watch, or what to have for dinner..... things like that. She cried and said she shouldn't have to do chores cuz she is a "guest" and only here to spend time with her dad.
I just don't know how to stop being angry with her. BM tells her she shouldn't have to do things here so I know it's not her fault. How do you make it ok? How do you tell her that her mom is wrong? My BF and I agree something has to be done to counter act the negative irresponsible lessons her mom is teaching her, but we don't know how.
It sounds to me like you are
It sounds to me like you are going to be fighting a very hard battle. My skid is 5 and I already want to just run away, cry, divorce, or bang my head against the wall most of the time. My only advice for you, for your own sake, is to just completely step out, disengage, don't try to fix her. I have for the most part, skid is here when DH is off work, BUT THAT IS IT, and I do not help anymore at all. I do not correct him, I do not parent him, my DH and his crazy bitch ex can do that, they are the ones that brought him into this world and they are the ones that are responsible for the monster they are creating. DH's ex is a lying trouble maker as well, I cut her completely out of my life. NO contact. And I really know you are not going to want to hear this, I am new here, but I have decided to tell anyone that is not already married to just run. It is not worth the headache, stress, anxiety, emotional turmoil. It just isn't.
We both have kids from
We both have kids from previous relationships. Leaving to find someone without kids is kind of ridiculous. My son is non-medicated ADHD and my BF puts in so much effort to help him and be a dad. We are a family. He is very supportive and we work together on ALL situation. I couldn't ask for a better relationship. The kids don't cause us to fight. His daughter doesn't come between us. His 13 year old son looks up to me.
I know the road his daughter is on is going to be tough. I know she will have MANY problem being raised as she is. I just feel like an a** because I can't seem to keep myself from being mad at SD for her mothers poor decisions.
We are taking steps to minimalize communications from his ex. It's helping A LOT not to hear from her everyday
How do I seperate my anger toward his ex from how I feel about his daughter at times?
Your DH just needs to hang up
Your DH just needs to hang up with anybody but especially an ex calls up yelling. No good ever came of someone calling you up yelling.
I hate to tell you this but you really don't have a lot of impact on this kid. She's got a crappy mother. She probably won't have a great future unless she wises up on her own. No way you can tell her.
Even in the olden days when I was growing up with mostly intact families you could always tell the girls that were having problems because they had weird mothers.
Oh I know my advice is not
Oh I know my advice is not going to be followed 99% of the time, on the running away and finding someone without children, I just feel so strongly about it and live the results of not doing so everyday, so I put it out there anyway, because if I help one person avoid the nightmare I live, then that is good enough for me. My reality is different than yours however. Skid is the reason for the majority of our problems. He is a very disturbed child and DH and BM do nothing about it and make it worse with their poor parenting. I have been with DH since skid was 2, he is now 5, and when he was 2 and 3, I said the same thing for the most part, I loved DH (BF then), and thought our relationship was great aside from BM and the issues that arose with her and skid, I thought it would be ok, I had no way of knowing it would become so bad, and in the last 2 years, my relationship has suffered so greatly.
My best advice I can give you from a SM's point of view regarding BM, you don't have to have one damn thing to do with her. EVER. DH will, he will have to talk to her from time to time, he will have to see her at pick ups and drop offs, he will have to make decisions with her regarding school, scheduling, medical issues, but YOU, don't ever have to see or talk to her unless you want to, and trust me, not having anything to do with her will be a great thing for you. DH's ex does not have my phone number, she does not have my address, she does not see me, I do not see her, I would not piss on her if she were on fire, and there is no place in my life for her nor any reason for her to be in it. I don't have kids with her. She is nothing to me.
I think on the anger you feel towards SD, may have something to do with the fact that she is 11, and deep down, you know that SHE KNOWS good and well what she is doing. Yes, BM allows and most certainly encourages it, but SD knows right from wrong, and knows her lying about you is wrong. Anyone would be pissed about the allegations of abuse and the petty lies she tells to stir up trouble and pit one person against another for her own benefit. She is manipulative, most likely learned it from BM, but she is her own person and you have a right to be angry at SD for her own actions and at BM for raising her like she does.