I'VE HAD IT!!!
I've been married to my husband for almost 6 years, we've been together for 8. He had joint custody of his daughter who was 8 at the time but I assumed alot of responsibility because her mother would never help out. She did not help financially support (they were suppose to equally support her per the divorce) and she did not buy her anything, clothes etc. and did not help with transportation for anything, so of course I helped out often. Her mother never taught her properly about anything, manners, cleaning up and so on. The mother is extremely lazy. She drinks all the time and never took care of business. As I've said, I had taken on a lot of responsibility. Well 3 years ago, her mother decided to leave her husband #3 and move out of state to be with a man she met online. The mother didn't tell my husband, she just left. She told her daughter days before. Finally my husband got full custody of his daughter (the mother signed it over) and my step daughter has been with us since. She does what she has to do, does well in school but she does nothing around the house when told to and she has a very warped understanding of life. She is an exact clone of her mother. Have tried talking to her but she does not listen. She has been basically, for a lack of a better phrase, playing us. She tells everyone our personal business, she complains all the time and she is still very loyal to her mother after all she's done for her, but very disloyal to us. She will be 17 next month and quite frankly I think she should be thinking differently, smarter about life and less dramatic, but she is heartless and extremely selfish. I can't take it anymore. We have given and given and given and it is putting a strain on my marriage. She is not a nice person, she's nasty to friends, boyfriends and I can't stand being around her anymore. I have given my all to her, have always been very good and very nurturing but I am completely spent.I am 50 now, and I don't get to spend any time with my kids and grandkids because everything is about my step daughter. She is very manipulative and my heart is breaking because I have always been the one there for her and have put so much into her realizing she's going to spit on me and always be there for her mom. I'm hurt and tired and I should be enjoying my life and all this is taking away from my life, I am truly not a selfish person, quite the opposite, but I've really had enough. I wrote her a letter telling her how I feel and how I can't take it anymore. Maybe right, maybe wrong, but I'm tired of being told how I should be and how I should act. She is 17 and a very mature 17, I don't think she's too young to handle it and quite frankly she doesn't seem to care. I have grown sons, so I am a mom and have always loved being a mom. This has really kicked me in the butt and I am really sad about it.
First, take a breath...
Now, let me ask you a question. You wrote a lot of how YOU are handling (or NOT handling) the situation. But how does your DH react to all of this? When his child is manipulative and not a nice person and "playing" you both, how does he react to it?
Because I think this may be a big part of why you are feeling so tired and sad about everything. So can you tell me more about the two of you as a "couple" and how you have coped with her manipuative ways?
The reason I ask is because I have been where you are. I have three SDs. We have them 50-50. Unfortunately for us, though, the BM IS in the picture- and it ISN'T a GOOD thing for the girls. Not a good role model. A lot of emotional abuse and PAS going on since the divorce from my DH over 7 years ago. She's put them through hell to say the least, and they are so screwed up because of it.
Middle SD, now 17, is closest to how you descibe your own SD. And for MANY YEARS, my DH was completely at a loss of how to handle her. He parented by guilt. Guilt over the divorce. Guilt over working so many hours. And guilt because it was the only way he knew how.
And it has led to DISATEROUS consequnces in the kids, on top of what his ex was doing to them. Call it a horrific "double whammy". But in working with a "Parenting Coach", DH finally got his head out of his butt and realized that what he was doing was only hurting the kids more. He finally started to put his foot down and use the word that he was so afraid to use for so many years...the dreaded "NO" word.
And now he parents without fear. He set rules and follows through with consequences. And while SD17 still gets "snarky" with her teenage mouth and falls back into bad habits, I only have to remind DH that HE is the PARENT and SHE is the CHILD and he needs to take back control. And he does. And things get better.
OH, trust me, SD17 (and all the girls for that matter) have been so brain-washed by their BM that they will ADORE her forever, and we will always be the "bad guys". POS BM, in their minds will always be "Mother Earth Incarnate"...simply because she's "the mom"
But I'm so over it.
DH and I KNOW the truth in our hearts. That WE were the ones who did all the right things for the girls for so many years while it was all "smoke and mirrors" with their POS BM.
We were the ones who helped with homework & projects & sports. We got tutors for them when school classes got hard and prepared them for PSATS, SATS, etc. DH and I got oldest SD ready for college, pay for it 100% and continue to do so, and will do so for the other two SDs.
Hey, what can you do? You do the right thing because it's the right thing to do.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Not so alone
Wow, your response brought tears to my eyes because I don't feel so alone now and it seems you have certainly had your share. I am usually so much stronger and patient with dealing with things but as I said, I am exhausted. Regarding my husband, he definately was doing the whole guilt, gonna spoil my child thing at the beginning and it was real bad. It took some time but he did come along way from that and is certainly not as easy as he use to be, however he is still very wishy-washy. God bless him but he wants everything to always be "OK", doesn't want any bumps in the road, yada yada. What he doesn't understand is everyone would love life to be so easy but then there's reality. As much as he knows how manipulative his daughter is, alot of times he just doesn't want to see it. Sometimes he's very supportive of me, but also overlooks alot. Now if she does something drastic, like sneaking out in the middle of the night, all hell breaks loose, but most of the time he wears blinders. We all know that dad doesn't want to think anything bad of his little girl. For instance at 17 years old, I am finally making her do a chore. I have tried in the past but with little support. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect our children to be our slaves but I don't see anything wrong with a little chipping in. She has to unload the dishwasher....that's it.....and she doesn't even do that all the time. It needed to be done tonight and it was getting late, so my husband helps her....Really ticked me off. I felt like I was being underminded. It's the only thing she has to do, and he helps her because he felt bad that she had to do it, making me look like the ogre. Are you kidding me? I work full time, always have and still take care of business and all she does is the dishwasher. My husband is a wonderful man and so sweet but he thinks his family is falling apart because I'm having issues with his daughter. I told him it's between her and I and he needs to just support me, especially rules that I may set when it comes to my home, whether he thinks I'm right or wrong. She is a total slob throughout the house, but whenever I say anything, I'm a nag. It's like walking on eggshells in my own home
Again, thanks
Something else to try
A lot of your story sounds just like mine. And MOST of the problems stem from my middle SD17.
When DH finally got his head unstuck from his butt and realized he had to be a "real parent" and stop parenting out of fear and guilt, guess what happened? The kids fell into line! And why? Because kids NEED boundaries and rules- they CRAVE them.
Oh, wait. I should have said "ALMOST ALL" of the kids fell into line. 4 out of 5 of them(sounds like a toothpaste commercial, doesn't it?)
And guess who rebeled and raged against all these new rules and HATED the fact that "her DADDY changed so much"?
Yup- SD17. And of course, I the EVIL STEPMOTHER was to blame for this travesty in her life!
So what did I do? I disengaged from SD17. I have ZERO relationship with her. ALL communication is between DH and SD. And I mean EVERYTHING. And it's been going on like this for over a year.
I will basically say "hello" and goodbye" to her, but other than that- there's little else I have to say to her (and most of the time, she doesn't bother to acknowledge me with even that much- which goes to show you how much SHE cares). And why? Because I basically don't like the person she is becoming. Oh, she tows the line because she's MADE to, but deep down- she's not a nice person.
She's horribly nasty to her two sisters- oh, the way she talks to them is just awful. And most times when I hear it, I ignore it, but when it gets out-of-hand, and DH is home, I have to say to him, "You need to stop her- NOW."
Because he's usually OBLIVIOUS to it. Even when her nastiness is directed specifically at HIM!
She's the type of person who puts on this over-the-top phony facade to outsiders, and as soon as she walks in the door, turns into "Cybil" and the temperature of the room drops about 10 degrees.
She's manipulative, drama-filled, and mentally exhausting to be around. So I try not to be arounf it. If I were not married to DH, I would NEVER want to be around a person like this, and now I have to live with ONE!
But luckily for me, we live in a big house, and she's only here 50% of the time. And when she IS HERE, I have nothing to do with her.
Is it sad? Yes. Because she desperately NEEDS a positive female role model in her life and she certainly isn't getting that in her BM! In fact, like your SD, she is also a mini version of her BM.
But I had to give up trying. I tried so hard for years and all I got was kicked in the teeth time and time again. I was always the one to blame for everything wrong in her life.
Oh, she blames DH, too, but he tells me that he cannot walk away. That he has a moral obligation to her. And he does have a point. After all, he IS her father.
At one point, he TRIED to tell me that, I as her Stepmother, had the same obligation to keep trying.
Oh, I think he knew as soon as the words started to come out of his mouth (and by the glaring look on my face) that he was making a SERIOUS MISTAKE and he shut up REAL FAST!!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Whew!
Are you sure we're not talking about the same kid. Well like I said...at least I know I'm not alone...Basically that is what I have done, broken my ties with her. It's very difficult because I had started really becoming close thought we were bonding, but she's good, really had me going, thought we were developing a mother/daughter relationship but realized she has just been using me the entire time. Now her dad does everything. My mom warned me along time ago to be careful. Our family is very close and she knew I would do everything in my power to take care of this child but knew that I would get too close and hurt in the end. Even at our ages, our mom's (the good ones) know best. I appreciate so much your replies and anyone elses' because it's good to have the support. My family of couse supports me but no one in this world understands unless they're actually in the situation. I always say, I love being a mom but hate being a step mom. Thanks again for letting me vent. It certainly won't be the last time I'm sure. she's just turning 17 so still have at least another year left. She can't move out soon enough as far as I'm concerned. I need to be happy again with my husband and not stress so much over her.
And for the record...you're a saint...5??? I can't deal with 1....I would take 5 boys any day but no way girls...
It is amazing how heartless
It is amazing how heartless even a young person can be...since I have withdrawn myself from the situation it is quite apparent that it has had no affect on my step daughter as I imagined....hell of a way to prove a point but of course those are not my reasons (to prove a point that is) but I am very hurt...she is continuing communicating with her worthless mother...oh and now her mother is moving from Connecticut to Alabama and on her way is stopping to see my step daughter, after 2 years of not seeing her...amazing, and yet still the one my step daughter maintains her loyalties to...and the witch has the nerve to say, "I would like to see MY daughter" how dare her...she has done nothing for her, sent her nothing for birthdays or christmas...un-freaking believable...I am so angry right now...I'm hurt and my step daughter is not...my husband is trying to maintain separation...I know it upsets him but he is trying to understand...I just feel bad because I know with everything I have that she will dump on him when she no longer needs him...that will probably break my heart more than anything....
glad i quit
glad i quit. broke all ties on our 2nd year anniversary together just here confirming my decision was definetly correct. no more paying for her kid she's not, no more putting up with kid i could'nt stand anyway (mamam's little boy.) that would've never changed, always the backstabber. and his dad never backing me up on anything. i was just there to help support the kid cause she wo'nt.I'm free and glad:)
Oh so smart. I wish were
Oh so smart. I wish were that smart years ago.
Life is what you make it.
Glad for your freedom. Wish
Glad for your freedom. Wish I could say that. Don't want to leave my husband obviously, but sure want to leave my stepdaughter...it's hard because there is so much tension right now because I am not having a relationship with my stepdaughter anymore but it upsets my husband. He's going to have to get over it though however if he wants me to be happy. It is what it is...Thanks again and good luck!
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New here, any advice
New here, any advice pls.
Have 8yo step, have known her for 5 years, have been step for around 3. Can't have kids with her dad because of vascectomy and because he doesn't have custody and know how bummed she would be if another kid got to live with him when her mum won't let her.
I bake, always have a herd of her friends over in the holidays, make sure she eats her greens etc, etc and dote on her 24/7 when she is with us as I love kids.
I teach horse-riding and took all the kids including her to a show this weekend. Suffice to say miss madam deemed it beneath her to say thank-you, or even treat me with any respect. So this is what I pass up having a kid of my own for?
Chopped Liver
Niagareven, You should
Niagareven,
You should re-post this as a blog, not a response -- otherwise no one will see it and reply to you.
UCSM
"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin
ok, so we know that my 17yo
ok, so we know that my 17yo step daughter is having sex yet she is refusing birth control...my husband took her to gyn yesterday and she told them she doesn't want to be on birth control and there is nothing we can do about it....we saw a text she received from her "man" friend saying that she better get on birth control since she won't use condoms...so you tell me, what do we do....she is out of control, or should i say she is in control...I told my husband there is no way in hell I'm having a new born baby in this house...I am 50 years old, work full time and there is no way in hell I could handle it....nor should I while her mother is off living her life having absolutely no responsibility at all to her child...