Is it ok for My fiance to invite his ex to their childs birthday party at our house
I would like some feedback just to have a differant perspective. Let me start by giving a little background. I have been dating my fiance for 5years and he has a daughter with a women that is currently in a relationship with his bestfriend. My fiance has chosen to look at this in a positive manner as he would rather no other man in his childs life than his best friend. Kudos to him for that. From the start of our relationship she has tried to be nasty as far as coming to my job (a bar) with his other exs and wanting to find and fight me while I was working and they were drunk. I brushed this off. Later, she told me she was not worried about him or us only concerned with her daughter. I understood and respected that. On differant occasions we all would hang out together (My fiance, his ex and his bestfriend, and me). She would throw digs here and there and she is known to be on the nasty side with her attitude. I always played nice and got along with her even when he may not have been. His daughter and I got along GREAT!
The ex then threw a party for her daughter and like always my fiance and her would celebrate the childs birthdays together. When I had the chance to go one year, given I had the day off of work, the ex chose to ignore me and it was odvious her mother was also. I was actually passed on when her mother was passing out cake to everyone. They talked to him without one word to me.
Later, a weddng for mutual friends was held at the ex and her boyfriend (his bestfriend) house. Long story short, she tried to fight me in front of her daughter. I was not completely innocent as I did ask her why she was being a B**** to me after we left to run an errand and she called my phone over and over leaving me nasty messages about I need to make him do this or that. When I asked her why she is involving me and its between them just as she had told me prior. She then pushed me a few times with threats of this and that. I did not try to fight her A, because I think its ridicoulous and B, his daughter was there crying and begging her to stop.
Since that, his daughter and I have had a rift and though I know I played into that and am trying to get us back to the relationship we had. I asked my fiance to talk with her and let her know that was silly and that I desearve an apology because she should never have put her hands on me. I would in turn apologize for calling her a B****. He says he talked to her but "she doesnt care and she wont listen". I understand that and of course know she is not going to apologize. I dont care about that. My question is that this is still a big rift in the whole situation and as he has still gone to celebrations for their child together and she has come over to a party we had for his son with another women (but did not even acknowledge me at our home together)so now he is planning on having a birthday party for his daughter here and when I asked if his ex was coming he said yes of course its her child also. I understand that and he said he would make sure she was nice but I dont know if I should even be here. I know he can not make her "be nice" and I am not sure if I am being petty but my feelings are really hurt that my thoughts seem to not matter or take concern. PLEASE HELP
I don't think there's much
I don't think there's much hope for your future happiness with this man if he disregards your feelings in such a blatant manner. Your SDs birthday party should not be held at your house if your fiance is planning to invite his ex - this is disrespectful to you, especially if he didn't even run the plan by you before arranging it all. It should take place at her house or neutral territory like a restaurant or something.
Your fiance sounds as though he is still quite emotionally attached to his ex and unless this changes, I would advise you not to go ahead with your marriage plans. He should not stand by while his ex and her relatives disrespect you - he should step in to defend you and demand they treat you civilly - shoving you around is just completely unacceptable, as is any physical violence. In my view there need to be major changes of attitude on the part of your fiance before you can contemplate marriage.
What is your bf, a man or a
What is your bf, a man or a mouse?
What the hell was he doing the entire time his ex was needling you, harassing you, threatening you, assaulting you and disrespecting you? Honestly? He invites her into YOUR home, you know the place where you are meant to be safe and happy, and SHE proceeds to be ignorant and rude?
NO NO NO. YOU arent over reacting or behaving badly, in fact I think you have acted honourably the entire time. So what you confronted her over her behaviour that one time. You had every right to, as she wasnt exactly behaving well was she? Besides, what person should have to ALWAYS take the moral high ground and always be expected to ignore it even when it becomes threatening and undermines your security? You arent a martyr, you are human flesh and blood who has every right to expect respect and courtesy from guests in your own home and from a perfect stranger (which she was initially). However, it appears your partner is quite content for this vile woman to persecute you, bully you because HE gets a quiet life. THAT is the type of partner it sounds like you have.
Your bf has invited this woman into your home, who is intent on making you the enemy, the target for her poison instead of protecting you - like any normal partner should. How would bf react if YOU began to act aggressively, rudely towards BM? From where I am standing, it sounds like you have every right to be (not that I am suggesting this).
Have you told bf how you feel? My advice, from experience is to only tell bf ONCE how you feel . Once, because if he doesnt listen that time then you can forget wasting your breath and in the hopes he will find his balls and put you first over his ex (and dont let him use sd as an excuse - BM's behaviour evidentally has already impacted on your relationship with you, which your bf doesnt appear to give a damn about other he would have stopped this. What best for sd is that bm stops this campaign of hate). Dont provide him an opportunity to shout, accuse you of nagging. I would then begin to think as a sole person, responsibile for protecting yourself from her.
I had to do this - although BM never was able to physically get to me and DH didnt roll over entirely.
I eventually told DH that I wasnt going to contend with BM speaking to me like she did, treating me like she did without some sort of consequence e.g. me changing our telephone number without DH's blessing (bf doesnt like it? Tough luck, you have the right to protect yourself if he doesnt want to). My BM was banned from coming to my door, I told DH if she did I would be calling the police. When BM decided to threaten me, I informed the Police and I told BM that if she continued I would press charges. I can tell you, if BM had even tried to physically hurt me - there would be no discussion with DH over what to do. I know 100% I would have rung the police and pressed charges. Did DH react badly? He wasnt happy with some things I decided at all, BUT it wasnt him BM was doing those things to. It was me. My decision. It impacted on my life first and foremost.
If DH had invited BM into our home, knowing she had attacked me previously, then in my eyes he would be choosing that bint over me. So ultimatums would be issued (that is how serious to me this would be) and I would be considering my future without DH, because I know that things will never change with your situation. You will be expected to endure this, god knows what emotionally and psychological damage this would inflict upon you. It does have lasting damage, over and above the initial situation, and are you prepared to unlove yourself for this man? To put your wellbeing last every time? That is what he is expecting from you and what you are putting up with.
THIS^^^^
THIS^^^^
Thanks for all the responses.
Thanks for all the responses. We have actually decided to seperate as the fighting is to much. I am tired of constantly feeling like the bad person and honestly know that his daughter and I's relationship would never have been tainted hadnot been for his ex. He is to blind to see this or remember how great we were before all this drama. I know he is trying to keep the peice with all of them by ignoring or not respondidng to the drama but its actually making it more unpeaceful for him at home as I feel I am always nagging and I dont want to be that girl either. I just am tired of trying to explain how my feelings are hurt and if he cant see that or thinks its silly on my end then so be it. I cant wait to see every other girl he dates try to deal with that nonsense. And yes, had I fought her that day it would have crushed his daughters heart. is daughter is smart enough to understand that her mom is not nice to me and in response I dont want her around. That is a lesson that I believe she should learn. I would never put him in that situation because if my ex was offending the man I am with at the time, I would take it as disrespect to me also and not allow that behavoir. He says he would be fine with my ex coming around if we had a child but I am sure under the same circumstances he would not have any of that. He would not try to be the better person and be "NICE". So I am on my way out and its sad but I have to put myself first if my man wont. His less dramatic approach is actually causing more drama in his life. So the ex wins again as I am sure she does not want him to be happy.
You are not a bad person, you
You are not a bad person, you just have healthy expectations. That is good and normal. These will help you weed out the bad from the good, and guide your happiness.
While I am sorry for the pain this man has inflicted on you and the pain a break up invitably brings, I am GLAD that you wont have to endure anymore...because you dont get used to it. It always hurts.
The fact he thinks this is normal shows just how much he prepared to damage you psychologically and emotionally, in order to get HIS way. That is how bloody selfish he is.
As for saying he would be happy to endure this in your position is utter first class bollocks. Deluded or what! Easy for him to say, seeing as his girlfriend is the one being used as the punchbag.
You know you deserve far and away better than this. While my own DH has made mistakes, he always supported me when it came to BM making threats and I know he would jump in to protect me- because I am his choosen partner. Not the shit stirring ex.
Sounds like they deserve one another. BM hasnt won either, that type are never happy - no matter if they get everything their little black hearts desire, they find some way to fuck it all up and hurt other people, because they are self destructive and your ex is a willing participant. More fool him and I for one have no sympathy.
Good luck and hold your head up high. Be kind to yourself and get your friends and family to rally round to keep you busy, make sure you go have some clean fun and enjoy the feeling of unburdening that comes from realising you are free from this car crash scenario!
You will be so much better
You will be so much better off without this so-called 'man'. How could he treat you that way????!!!!
F that, please do not go back for more of this disrespect honey!!!!!!!
Glad your splitting....life
Glad your splitting....life is way too short to be involved with such turmoil.
Look to the future, look for stability, nice things, good people and dont go back to that rot ever again.
Where abouts are you living...? Cos I would be talking with the police and see if they can keep an eye on that horrible woman.....she sounds bitter and twisted and could end up being dangerous.....
glad you saw the light ....before it was too late and had kids with that man....you would have really stirred up a hornets nest should that have happened.....no go and dont stop running and DO NOT LOOK BACK....you will feel relief within no time...