Is it just me?

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We were invited to my DH cousin's for a "family event". Of course as we're sitting at the dinner table eating. The doorbell rings, in walked the his EX and their oldest Dd. I can feel my blood boiling when she walks in.Is it just me? Or does anyone think this is some crazy bsl. She claims she comes for the children, but they are 25, 21, and 20, really? Plus, she was out of the picture for several years, but when she started to come back around the family accepted her with open arms, which I'm fine with, but they MIL, FIL, Auntie and Cousin pretty much kicked me to the curb. We missed several "family events" because I'm over sitting around listening to her cackling and loud talking and pretending line she's mother of the year! I try to attend and stomach this BS for my DH and now the SD is pregnant, which another story. Whew! I got that off my chest! Anyways are there others out there that are having to deal with vindictive BM and in-laws? If so, how do you handle your situation? Forgive me advance for any misspellings or sentence structures. I'm drinking wine, while typing.

I truly like and love my

I truly like and love my brother's first wife (the mother of his only child). But I have NEVER EVER EVER invited her to events where my brother and his current wife would be attending. BM was not invited to my parents' 50th anniversary celebration nor to their funerals.

I recently went to see her (1200+ miles away) and her parents and disabled sister. But I do not rub this in my brother's face or his current wife's face. It is totally separate."

One does not have to kick ex ILs to the curb - but one does need to treat them like they are the "real" family.

I cut mine off completely!

I cut mine off completely! Imagine my surprise when BM showed up for 4th of july festivities at the in laws! While we never spoke, apparently I'm supposed to act natural as if everything is hunky dory! Nope! Because she birthed the Skids apparently that's a ticket into every nook and cranny of our lives. Again, nope!! Rude and inconsiderate is what it is. If they want her in their lives please so it outside of family events!
Some People never get the concept of boundaries so you have to show them with your actions. Since I haven't birthed a child with DH apparently I'm expendable and my feelings irrelevant. Nope.

I cut mine off completely!

YOU do not HAVE to deal with

YOU do not HAVE to deal with SM and you should be respected enough to not do that, if you choose. You should be given a choice, this is crazy unfair to you.

People in general (non-steps

People in general (non-steps and some steps too) have this concept that everyone is supposed to get along for the sake of the children, no matter what age, and grand-children. Everyone, including mom, SM, dad, step-dad, etc. are supposed to all hang out and drink brewskis together and act like they are all one BIG happy family.

In reality, this rarely works, nor should it be expected to. When BM and SM both show up for events, who is DH's #1 wife? You can't have it both ways at these events. The assumption is, perhaps, his current wife is wife #1. But, it is rare for the first wife (ex-), with their children all there, to settle for being wife #2 at these events. Intentional or not, she will try to assert to her husband and all that she takes the lead with her ex- even tho. her ex is remarried. AND, any children with BM and DH, will also just assume their mom should be wife #1. SM is supposed to sit back and more-or-less suck it up and take it.

Either you are husband and wife or you are not. AT the very least, you should be informed or know when DH's ex- is attending these events. AT the very most, they should not be inviting her at all. Because they should recognize that DH's ex- needs to move on too.

How does your DH feel about all of this? Is he okay with this? If not, he should speak with his family members about this, although if it has been permitted for some time, they'll "pretend" they don't know what he is talking about, and why can't they invite her. Have a long discussion with DH. You don't have to go to these events if you don't want to. You don't have to put up with being treated like the 3rd wheel when in reality you are your DH's wife.

I agree this is a tricky situation, but speak with your DH about it, and don't back down if you don't want to. Me, I feel perfectly fine not going to events if BM is going to be there. I tell DH, this is his issue; not mine. DH may have to go and suck it up and take it, but I don't have to. And, yes, of course DH wants me to go--he wants me there as a buffer if anything, but at the end of the day, I get to make my own choices.

When some of my DH's family

When some of my DH's family decided to befriend BM, even after everything she had put him (and them) through, we just stayed away from them. He hates drama and if you put his family and BM together, all you have is drama and a lot of it.

My DH would rather skip any family get together than be there with BM in attendance.

When I was first dating my

When I was first dating my XH, we were at his parents house decorating the Christmas tree. Next thing I know, BM is walking through the front door and into the living room. THEN she just picks up a few ornaments and starts decorating the tree!!! At that time, she and I got along pretty good but the whole family felt awkward and like that was just too much. She must have felt the tension because she left shortly after.

However, after XH and I divorced, I had to go to my IL's to pick up BS. Prior to Divorce, we all just walked into the house without knocking. After the Divorce, I felt odd about doing that so I knocked on the front door. My XFIL answered the door and gave me a real talking to about knocking. He made it very clear that I am STILL his DIL and still family and I am NOT to knock again. I thought that was very sweet. He actually called me to see him on his death bed shortly before he passed a few years ago.
My XH has never remarried but has dated a woman we both knew from HS and I adore her. So after they started dating, I made sure to show her respect and not intrude on
family events or activities. She and I still get along very well even after she kicked XH to the curb.

@idvelin He's torn. He's not

@idvelin He's torn. He's not fine with it and have spoken to his family, but the continue to invite her. MIL even told me if I don't like it then I shouldn't come when she's there. It's crazy because she's has put him and his children thru Hell. I've never seen anything like this, I would never impose on my ex and his new wife. I've been through soo much with this family already I've decided that it's best I just let him go alone, if he chooses to go, when they have these " family gatherings" and schedule events for myself.

A piece of mind is worth more than all the precious jewels in the world.

@idvelin He's torn. He's not

A piece of mind is worth more than all the precious jewels in the world.

Sounds like the same path I

Sounds like the same path I have somewhat taken. And, my husband feels the same way your DH does. Non-steps just don't get it sometimes. Their loyalty should be to DH and his wife/SM. It's okay that they still like DH's ex-, but as soon as DH said something, they should have stopped inviting her. Why would they want to continue putting DH through that hell?! Again, I'm sure SM is being made out to be the scapegoat, and they tell themselves DH is just fine with his ex- there; it is SM that is the problem. Nuts and not true.

Anyway, if my DH goes at all to these events, he just goes for the obligatory hour or so and takes off. Sad that some people don't get it even years later that DH and SM are husband and wife, and just like any husband and wife, what you do to one, you do to the other. Piss all over SM = pissing all over dad too, no matter what kind of face he may put on. So, DH does not have an easy relationship with his ex- nor SKs, nor with grand-SKs I suppose, in the future.

Anyway, best of luck to you. Sometimes, if I feel up to it, I go to these events. Sometimes DH goes by himself or not at all. We each both make our own decisions. Otherwise, DH and I are husband and wife and have a good marriage. If his adult SKs or others can't accept it, they have just kissed an easy relationship with their own father/relative goodbye.

I would never never go to

I would never never go to DH's family event if BM was there. I don't care if it's for the kids at any age.

My personal choice of course. And I would make it very clear from the first incident that if she is invited I would like to know before hand because I wouldn't be going. Luckily that hasn't happened with my DH's family.

THE END.

You're not drinking enough.

You're not drinking enough. You are typing just fine.

As for my Skid's

As for my Skid's SpermIdiot... if he was ever stupid enough to show up at a family event with my IL clan... he would be either animal feed or fertilizer.

My FIL put a rifle round near the SpermIdiot's feet from a couple hundren yards away when he showed up one time to pick up the Skid when he was a toddler. When the SpermIdiot cheated on my DW and she kicked him out (they were living in a travel trailer at my ILs farm) my FIL told him that if he ever set foot on the farm again that FIL would shoot him. After that the DipShitIot had to wait across the road from the farm entrance and wait for my DW to bring the kid down the quarter mile long drive and turn him over to the SpermIdiot.

After a few months of that the DipShitIot made the mistake of walking across the road and entering the entrance to the farm driveway. FIL popped a round off at the SpermDonor's feet and he scurried back across the road and never entered the property again.

I wish my ILs had put his ass in prison for statutory rape but FIL did redeem himself a bit in my eyes by scaring the shit of the the idiot. This all happened a year or so before DW and I met.

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