I'm done
Hi all,
I just need to vent and talk to others who are also dealing with all the shit that comes along with being a "stepparent".
I have been married to my husband for two years now and I have reached a breaking point. He has a 5yr old son from his first marriage who I just cant stand anymore. Before we got married, I dated him for a little over a year. I had promised myself that I would never marry a man who had kids because they piss me off so much. But of course, when I met him, that promise was over powered by me falling in love with him lol. My thinking was that I could tolerate his kid because I loved him so much and didn't want to lose him. Now that we are married however, my tolerance has evaporated entirely.
The kid is just a spoiled brat in my opinion. Neither my husband or the BM bother to teach the kid manners. I had to be the one to say something to my husband about it. The kid has this bossy and demanding tone whenever he wants something. I have tried to have him say please and thank you but it wont stick after over a year of trying. My husband has tried a little but usually forgets. Basically the kid always has to be told to say it every time. Its like "damn, my dogs can learn obedience faster than this brat!"
My guess is that the mother does not enforce it or discipline either. On top of this my husband just gives in when the kid starts whining about stuff. The kid knows that all he has to do is start crying and he will get his way. Also, they are still dressing him and he is fucking five and a half years old! I have tried to teach him and he did it but they will not follow through with it. So now he just sits there and doesn't want to bother because he knows that they will do it for him. They haven't even taught him how to speak in full sentences or to pronounce words properly. My anger and resentment over this has hit such a point that I want to yell at the kid and spank him. Of course this is not good so I have decided to move out. We will still be married but I will not be seeing the kid. When my husband is not stuck with him he and I will see each other. I think it will be for the best because the current situation has continued to get worse. Plus, I am disabled with the VA for severe anxiety and depression so if I can escape this huge stressor I should.
Sorry this was so long just needed to get it out there. Advise and or feedback is welcomed!
As a parent of a 4 year old,
As a parent of a 4 year old, I can tell you that this age is a hard one. They can be demanding, whiny, etc. They are trying to navigate life and assert independence. All of that is natural. And they only learn manners through consistent teaching. It takes a whole lot of patience and understanding and firm consistency. If his mother and father are not consistent with teaching him those things, you can take this as an opportunity to be a role model and teacher for him. He is also a child who is having to navigate life with parents who do not live together. He essentially is having to live and love in two separate homes and contexts. That can be exhausting for us adults! How much more for a little kid who is being asked to manage all sorts of things that he shouldn't. The best you can do is open your heart to him, find things to love about him, extend patience to him. Kids in this age range are learning to manage their emotions, learning to relate to the world around them. It takes time and a whole lot of patience. Believe me! I have one. More power to you and I hope that this encourages you some.
I appreciate you advise.
I appreciate you advise. However, I am not a kid person. I don't even want to have any because I really cant stand them. I even had my tubes tied to make sure I would never have one. My husband and his ex are the ones who wanted to have a kid so he is their responsibility. My life should not be interrupted and thrown off course because of their decision. I see your point on being a teacher to him but like I said, I have tried. It has done nothing since his parents are not consistent and are the main figures in his life. As far as the divorce of his parents and how he handles it; they split less then two months after he was born. So this way of life is what is normal for him. Plus, my husband and his ex are still friends so its not like he is seeing any hostility.
Looking back, I should have known that I could not handle this. So it has been my mistake for getting involved in this mess. Time to pull myself out.
Thanks for you impute and good luck with your 4yr old!
Thank you!
this is enabling in its
this is enabling in its infancy. it can very well extend into adulthood. do you want a ss like that who is 30 years old and whiny and needy?
you know what you need to do. disengage (a means of emotionally removing yourself from the situation) or leaving altogether as in a divorce.
My thoughts exactly! Thank
My thoughts exactly! Thank you
Save yourself. Obviously you
Save yourself. Obviously you can't parent these parents who refuse to do what they should. You can't just be a role model to this kid if everyone isn't on board and consistent. You're just beating your head against a wall. I think you've made the right decision and there's not much else to do and keep sane. I am curious how exactly you explained this move out to him?
Thanks for the support. My
Thanks for the support. My husband is very good at reading my moods so when I had decided that I wanted to move out, he started asking if we were ok. I was trying to hold off on telling him until after we came back from our trip but he just kept poking lol.
I have a trailer in the back that has been used for storage that I told him I would be selling. He took this as a good sign and said: "Oh good, so that must mean that you feel more confident in our marriage." I told him I just wanted to get it out of the way and I realized it would not a great place to use if we split up. Then he asked if was in preparation to move out and with that I felt I had to spill the beans. I told him that I just could not handle dealing with his kid anymore and that he makes me so angry when he is around that I want to yell and smack him.(Spank him) I said that I did not want to keep risking this and that I felt it would be best if I moved out. I explained that I still wanted to be married and spend lots of time together just that I would no longer see his kid at all.
He was of course upset and said he didn't know if he could do it but was willing to give it a try. He did try and say things like "your just running from this instead of working through it." I asked him if he really wanted to keep messing with a time bomb and risk his kid getting it one day. That seemed to shut him up and make him think twice! With that I think he realized how serious I am and stopped pushing for me to stay. I also told him that its not like I have not tried for three years to no avail in my frustration in this situation.