How old is SD? You are not a bad person. We've all been there. My SD5 never ceases to talk about how wonderful Mommy is and yet I am the one who does (or used to do all the things you mention). Mommy takes NAPS when she has her. She only has her every Saturday and every Monday. I, too, gave up because I got no appreciation. You are not a bad person for not wanting to continue with all the responsibility and none of the reward!

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

I did those things you listed when they came over EOW. then one day, sd bodely says, 'you're not my mommy and my mommy told me to tell you.' I said...you know what..you're right and so is your mommy. Thanks'
I never lifted a finger for her ever again, its been 9 years. dont care..dont love her..like her...but dont trust her. She's just like her mom
and my dh supports me in this disengagement. He will get angry if i even try to shop with her for clothes etc...did that for her bday but he got really angry and said, she doens't appreciate anythign given to her so please dont waste your money on her. So i promised my dh that i wont spend another penny. He said he hates feeling used and the last thing he wants is to see me being used as well.
Its ok for you to feel that way and its not selfish. Your bf needs his head checked. Talk to him and basically tell him its a fact you are not the mommy and never will be. There are some skids out there who truly appreciate what their SM do but usually its when the child has grown and stopped being influenced by dear bm's poisoning.

I know exactly where you are coming from .. my dh's horrible ex does NOTHING for her kids at all .. and has never. She lives in an ocean front house that she got in the divorce yet has NEVER taken them to the beach in 5 years. She won't drive them anywhere .. they call me and I drive over and drive them places. She has never taken them on vacation .. I plan all the vacations with my dh and take care of them the whole time. She gives them no money at all ..she won't even give her daughter 20 dollars for movies but spend all her child support on boyfriends to get them to hang around. She never comes to any games, sports .. my dh and I are always there. Yet they think she is just the most wonderful mother ever.

Finally I got to your point and just stopped. I did not answer my cell for rides or money or anything. I told my dh "I AM DONE" and he was very supportive. He either did it himself or told them no. I stopped taking them on vacations and planned vacations with either my husband and I alone or with my 13 year old son and a family friend. My son and his best friend and mom and I travel now .. it is soooo much more peaceful not to be their servent! It was the most peaceful time in our marriage. I never thought about them when I didn't see them or felt mad .. it was the best move I made.

Now they are back more because of a switched living situation and it's all starting again because I forgot how much trouble it caused. So again I am stepping back and not doing anything because trying again just caused the same problems.

On the other hand it is true that in the long run your SD will grow to appricicate you .. but that will be a long time from now.

I have another older step son 26 and the whole thing has turned around. He now hates his mom and now realizes what a piece of crap she is and loves his dad .. although 10 year ago it was the complete opposite. So it does happen.

We were just having this conversation last night too. The kids tend to idealize the 'other' or bad parent. I'm not sure if it's that they sense the other one is weak or whether it's self protection. I've thought before that as a stepkid myself, hearing things about my parent really hurt me like I was being attacked myself, so it would be natural to defend oneself, deny the reality to protect yourself...Maybe this is what our kids do too...it's not that they don't see the reality, but it's so close to the SELF that they react defensively? Is that too psychobabble???

Just read the original post. I used to HATE the word "Mommy", but then again my kids never called me that...and I never called my Mom that. One thing I can validate though because it happened to me both last time and this time being stepmom. The BM LOVES to use "Mommy" as a weapon. My SD 17's BM sends her cards in the mail from time to time...she usually puts cash in them, so SD rips them open and takes the money and leaves the card...so I peak. She always says "Love, Mommy" The kid is SEVENTEEN for freaks sake!!! The last BM did it too and the kids did NOT call her Mommy...they said 'Mom'....it was only in her cards, on gifts and such. It came across TO ME as territorial and meant to communicate more to me than to them.

Advice on getting over the Mommy thing? Well, think of this child like you might a niece or nephew or whose Mom was not so stellar so you were keeping them most the time. You would continue to do these loving things for the child but you would not become 'Mom', you would still be 'Aunt' because they already have a Mommy and regardless how many problems she has they aren't just going to hate her or stop thinking of her as Mom. Try to remind yourself that you do not need to take over someone else's title (mommy) to feel good about what you are doing for this child. Feel good being dwbwjc, a good woman who does right for kids in her care. If you are doing it to be awarded Mom title then you will continue to feel disappointed. Form your own relationship with the child rather then trying to step in to the one her bm should have filled. Stop looking at' Mommy' as the pinacle or the reward for your work because it sounds like in this case that title wouldn't be much of a compliment anyways given bm's shortcomings.

Sounds hard. I've not read the entire thread but you are not her mommy and it looks like you've tried to be. If you don;t want to be then don't feel guilty about that either. Sounds like you've done you're bit.

Don't let your partner put you into the role of mommy,you are not, the SK has a mommy and it's not you. I know how you feel, I've felt it myself. You feel guilty and you feel guilted into being the mommy, but no matter how selfish it sounds you are not.

Just remember that one fact. You are not momy. You have no obligation whatsovever, the only obligation you have is the one that you feel you have or the one that your partner thinks you should have.

I get it.  However, as a SParent, depending on visitation schedule, etc... you have at least the same impact on the life of a Skid as your opposition equivalent has.  

My DW had full physical and legal custody of SS from birth.  She and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.  When she and I met there was no visitation schedule.  After about 9mos of back and forth legal battles we got in front of a Judge the week after we married, CS was revised (Increased from $110/mo to $133/mo), custody was reaffirmed (100% physical and legal for my DW), and a visitation schedule was set (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring).

I was the first person SS ever called Dad(dy).  He knew his Spermidiot but that dumbass never did shit for him.  Nothing. No effort, nada.  I raised SS as my own in an equity life partnership with his mom as an equity parent.  SS looks like his biodad.  The spitting image.  But he thinks like me, acts like me, has my mannerisms, values family, education, behavioral performance, and career performance as his mom and I do and have set the examples for.

Do not discount your influence on a SKid. You many not be her BM but... you may have far more influence over their lives than even their BM.  In many cases an SP is unequivocally more of a REAL mom or REAL dad than the bio parents.

As a non breeding SP, I understand your frustration.  I do.  Fortunately I was never subjected to the "you're not my dad" or "you're not my REAL dad" crap from my SS.  I was just "Dad(dy)".  He did come home from SpermClan visitation upon occasion with "(SpermGrandHag) says you are not my REAL dad" crap.  We worked through those discussions when that topic arose.  That was when he was pretty young. As he got older the topic evolved to "(The Hag) says your not my dad and I can't call you dad".  We dealt with that as well.  His mom nor I ever required that he call me dad. That was his choice.

In our case, he asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo.  The topic was discussed a couple of times as he was growing up.  His maturity and wisdom was always very humbling for me to witness. His perspective was that I was his dad no matter what and he did not want to hurt his SpermCLan.  He also had always considered himself a "Rags"  even though he did not officially carry our family name or refer to himself with our last name.  I was always humbled by how amazingly he dealt with the blended family drama his SpermClan would load him up with nearly every visitation.  We also made an offer to the SpermClan to adopt the three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs in response to their whining about not being able to afford to support them due to the burden of CS and having to pay for half the travel costs for long distance visitation.  They would be all butt hurt and mortally offended when we would make that offer when they had tried to guilt SS into pushing his mom to waive CS.  

When SS asked me to adopt him it was truly the most incredible experience of my life.  Sadly, the three younger half sibs all have led miserable lives. #2 (SS's sister) has struggled with birth defects from fetal tobacco, fetal alcohol, and fetal narcotics syndromes  and has been able to moderately put the SpermClan behind her.  #3 just reported to prison for a 5yr sentence for felony burglary exacerbated by his history of gang participation, and #4 is not far behind #3.  

A SParent should  not undervalue what we bring to the lives of Skids.  Though we are not BPs, we may be far more a REAL parent to a Skid than any other parent they have.