I really think she would like to kill me
HI - I am so glad to be here. After reading for several days I have found some kindred souls. Thinking I was all alone was horrible.
My SD 13 came to live with us 2 1/2 years ago. And at first it was good. I took the summer off to hang out with her. We went swimming, shopping...
Wish I had known what I was getting in to. About a year ago she turned into a horrible brat. Oh I admit I was sucked right in. When she was bad I was bad right back.
The worst came when she went to school and told her friend I was beating her and gave her a black eye. This had to get back to me via my SIL.
Now I thought, now my DH will finally punish her. But no, she ran off to Grandmas for a few days and avoided it. This really hurt me.
I can feel the hate come off her in waves. Whats bad is I hate her sometimes too. She has done everything she can to make me hate her! Besides the lies, she is mean to my 8 year old niece. Won't bathe, she stinks. She was caught "faking" a shower. She is grossly overweight. HOrribly lazy, won't lift a finger. If you make her she does such a crummy job you just give up.
Oh god - I feel so horrible just saying this.. I am a grown woman why would I hate a kid? I wanted to love her so much.
Credibility
At least no one believed you were beating her! If she won't take a bath, probably no one wants to get close enough to hear her! Well she is obviously unhappy, but that doesn't mean you have to be. There was an old comic strip saying we always say, 'Pooberty hit her hard'.
If you possibly can, without making a big deal, I would just try to start over each day like you have never met her and don't know all the stuff she's done and the way she is. Just say Hi, smile, ask her stuff and ignore her if she is rude in response. Whatever she does has no effect on you, you don't even notice because you are so busy doing real stuff. She may enjoy feeling powerful if you let her upset you.
So if she is a little pain, just leave her to be miserable while you play your music, eat snacks, etc. Maybe she will come around if it is too boring to be the way she is now.
Do you have to babysit her?
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
thanks for not hating me!!
It feel so good to find out my feelings are normal. I thought I must be the most evil person in the world. No I don't have to babysit her.
See my blog for details.
Sad to say I avoid conversation with her because everything I do is reported to her dad and twisted around to try and make me look bad. Even a simple joke is distorted and reported.
A friend gave me some good advice "Pick your battles". So simple but -- I dont' worry about the dirty room-it won't kill anyone. And I dont' worry about how her father disciplines her. Let him deal with the consequences. These 2 things helped get rid of 99% of the stress and tension.
OH - Thanks to everyone on this board for sharing and caring.
granny
"But no, she ran off to Grandmas for a few days and avoided it." Tell her to stay at granny's house indefinitely.
no hate here
I think at one time or another we have "hated" the skids.
I have a FSS 18 y/o that is a 9th grade dropout.
he is pretty worthless, and he is the reason I am not living with my FH- also have a FSS 12 that is over weight and never bathes, in fact the other day my oldest BS came up to me and said "mom does FH know DXX stinks?" I said I dont know honey, that is b/w he and his dad ALTHOUGH I have told FH DXX needs to bathe and brush his hair OMG his teeth UGH>
anyway like you said Pick your battles and remember you do not have to raise this kid, it is H and BM all you have to do is have peace in your home and make sure you get the RESPECT you deserve too!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
I understand
I understand completely! My two SD's came to live with me at the beginning of this month. My husband and I've been married 5 years so it's not like they don't know me. Although their biomom didn't let us see them very much.
The oldest SD (12) does great when her fathers not around and everything is a fight if he is. The youngest (11) is hell on wheels 24/7. But the weekend I blew my top!!! They've nick picked me and called me names for weeks but I took that like water off a ducks back. But Saturday they wanted Apple Pie, Cool Whip, and a soda 20 minutes before bedtime. Their dad had promised them the pie but I put a stop to the cool whip and Soda (cool whip because it meant going to the store).
Those girls started downing me and cursing me in front of DH, yelling that I try to starve them, that I'm always mean, that I didn't want them to have anything not even things that belonged to them...
I was in the back of the house and heard all of this. I went CHARGING in the kitchen and my husband seeing my face stopped me. He told his ungrateful kids that if I hated them then why did I quit my job so they could have a place to live? That's all!
I screamed at the kids that if I hated them then why did I get up every morning at 5:30 to cook them breakfast and pack their lunches when it's cheaper for them to eat at school and their mother always slept in? Why did I go overdrawn at the bank to go buy them new beds, beanbag chairs, and clothes when they moved in and had nothing? Why did I have snacks ready for them when they stepped off the bus? Why did I spend 4 days rewashing and bleaching all their stained clothes from their mother's house, that she was too lazy to take care of? And if I didn't love you why would I put up with you treating me like crap and your mother like gold, when she's the one that said she didn't want you anymore? I also told them that they could go to hell.
These girl know they pushed it too far. I reminded them that their father is a truck driver and can't take care of them and their mother doesn't want them back and if they couldn't do as I told then the state would take them away and put them in foster care, because not listening and doing as your told was dangerous and if I couldn't take care of them the state would find someone who could.
Right now they are working on a two page paper on what they want out of living with their dad and I. Did they want to be happy? What did they expect out of themselves and us? I what can they do to make this happen. My husband loved this idea! I told him three years of human growth and developement, 2 years working in a daycare, and 6 years as a school bus driver something had to rub off.
I know screaming at the kids isn't good but they did learn they can only push so far and they are doing better now. Although the youngest still tries! She's so bad after talking with her biomom that my DH says if it doesn't stop then we will no longer let her mother call but once a week.
I can only wish you the best. As for help I'm not sure I can. My husband sucks at disciplining too. That why for 5 years I've been ruling my house. I do the disciplining too, but the girls and I our alone Monday thru Friday so they don't have a choice. But when we first married I tried to standback and let my husband do it but our home was falling apart. Then I set my husband and SD's down and told them that this is my home and it was out of control, but not to worry there was a new sheriff in town. My husband still underminds me sometimes and the kids still fight it but they know it's not going to work! In the end they WILL be punished and they WILL behave. As for my husband now that the girls live here I'm working on him to be tougher on them and not to undermind me in front of the girls, that we need to take it out of the room and come to an agreement there.
dREAMER MY HEART GOES OUT TO
dREAMER MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU.OOP SOORY about the caps. I too bought furniture, painted her room. No gratitude at all. You -in fact everyone- on this site will be in my prayers. I do a LOT of praying
Not just Steps
I can say that I never felt that I "hated" my Bioson, but there was about two years when I did not like him AT ALL! I can just imagine the prespective my DH has of my son b/c this was beginning when they met. What made the time bearable was that I had the memories of him asleep in my arms right after he was born, or him yelling MOMMA!!!!! running across the room, arms open wide to give me a hug after a long day. DH's kids are 7 and 9. There has been no major drama (other than the younges going throug a lying phase) fom the kids. My son is now a young man (14). Sometimes he shows affection in a passive/agressive way, but he has his tender moments. He has debated (this is wors than arguing b/c he can twist things so well) over everyting from bedtime, cleanliness, schoolwork, and clothes. There is sometimes no gratitude for paining any of their rooms, but then there will be... oh you washed my blue shirt... thanks. I do forsee a clash when SD is a teenager... thankfully DH backs me up and if he thinks I'm too harsh he pulls me aside and tells me so.
I think the reason that there seems to be such animosity b/w steps & the kids is that there isn;t that bond that is created as a baby, then the steps are in a position of authority w/o the benifit of the connection to the kid(s).
Anyone
expecting gratitude is sure to be disappointed. Only do things that you truly want to do, where no gratitude is necessary. I am to the point in my life that I can actually do this------my motto stands as "no good deed goes unpunished".
i hate my ss
i hate my skids to do not worry. they come and take over the house are little brats and daddy doesnt want to be a daddy and dicipline them he wants to be their friend so they love daddy more than they love mommy!! what are you supposed to do with that ??????