I just had my first meltdown :(
Hi there, I am new here. I'm so glad that I found this site. I really need opinions and just a place to vent. I don't want my friends and family to know how difficult a time I'm having dealing with my husband's ex.
Long story short- well, not really!: My husband met his ex a few weeks after she gave birth to her son. They began dating, got married, and had a girl. The marriage lasted less than 1.5 years.
We met a few months after his divorce and began dating several months later. This was my first time dating a divorced man and someone who had children. It was a bit overwhelming at first, but his kids were fine and I never ever had to deal- (speak or see the ex).
After 2 years of dating, I had to relocate with my job so I moved to a city about 2 hours away. My husband, had just gotten out of the military and wanted to finish school and since there wasn't a University in the town he was in , he moved to my town.
Needless to say the ex was irate, but my husband wanted to further his education so he could provide for his daughter. And the court approved the move.
Prior to the move, I had met the ex once and spoken to her maybe a handful of times. I felt whatever discussions they had did not concern me.
After 3 years of dating, we became engaged and married a year later. Both of his kids were in our wedding. His ex was not invited. I guess I should mention his son does not know he is not biologically related to my husband. That is a discussion they will have with him when he is older. He is 11 now. His daughter is 10.
I guess my husband and his ex have the typical squabbles but here is what really bothers me.
She is lazy and does not work. She shops, travels, goes to the gym, gets her pedis and manis. Drives a very nice car and lives in a beautiful home. She has been given everything her entire life. She comes from a wealthy family and they pay all the bills, groceries, home is paid for, car is paid for, utilities are paid for, health insurance is paid for. You catch my drift.
The extra money is from the child support my husband sends once a month.
While my husband was in school, I paid the child support. I was dumb and naive, and hindsight is 20/20 as they say. We should have requested a child support modification, but for whatever reason, it didn't cross my mind that we could even do that.
My husband graduated, got a great job. I have a great job as well, but I am also 140K in debt for my student loans. (I went all the way).
Last year my husband and I started up our own business. We took out a business loan and are in the process of getting that paid down. Our business had a rough start the first year but now things are picking up and we are seeing results. We work very hard 24/7 and have put blood, sweat and tears into our business.
When the ex got wind of our business, she decided she wanted a piece and sued us for more child support. She wanted double of what we were giving her and picked some random number. My husband told her he wouldnt just give her whatever dollar amount she wanted, there is a specific formula for child support and it has to done through the court system.
Yes, our company was making money, but we were not drawing any income at all. (We still have our day jobs and we work 4-10 hour days, and run our business the rest of the week and sometimes during the week) It was all going back in to the business and for paying our employees.
So the gist was after 3000K in attorney fees, my husband's ex decided she didn't feel like filling out the papers requested by our attorney that ask for her finances, etc. and she asked us if WE would ask OUR attorney to back off, (she missed the deadline for the paperwork and her attorney was hounding her).
I couldn't believe it. I just had to laugh. This dingbat is suing US and now she wants US to get OUR and HER attorneys off her back? I don't think so. And the kicker was- she also wanted us to pay her fancy attorney fees b/c she was "FORCED in to suing us since we wouldn't just give her more child support".
Well, her laziness got the best of her. Since she didn't feel like filling out the papers, she wanted to settle out of court. So we did. And she got an extra $100. a month instead of what she wanted to originally. And she had to pay her own attorney fees, and we redid all of the visitation details and vacation detail and transfer/pickup locations and times. (she was always holding that over my husbands head about having to meet him halfway)
So anyway. I dislike her VERY much. I don't really talk to her and there is soooo much more I could vent about.
She is constantly calling us and asking for my husband to give her the child support early. She is always broke and has no money--(her words) Lies of course. She really should be careful of what she posts on Facebook. We know she is blowing the money on herself.
Anyway, How can I get over this hate I have for her? I think one reason I despise her is that I have worked so hard for everything I have. My husband has worked hard as well and we are proud of our accomplishments. I'm jealous that she gets handed everything and doesn't have to work for it. it just doesn't seem fair. I hate that we have to give her money every month - hard earned money! I hate that she gives the kids very expensive gifts (with the money from us and her parents) and we just can't afford to do so and she looks like the hero. For Christmas they got Smart Phones, a motorcycle and a pink scooter, Ipods--see what I'm getting at.
I lost it today because she called and wanted her child support. It's not even the 1st yet! I totally lost it.
I need some help!
My stepkids' BM does not
My stepkids' BM does not work either. It's not that she can't, it's that she won't.
I'm not sure I'm understanding what you said about the $100 right. Do you mean that she got an extra $100 on top of what she wanted, or she wanted much more than $100 and only got an extra of $100?
Unfortunately, I don't think you can legally force someone to get a job, but with the kids in school, her attorney should be encouraging her to get a job.
What I am about to say is in no way meant to bash you. However, I do not think it is a good idea to lose it on BM. My DH has lost it on her and she did nothing but make his life even more miserable.
On the other hand, after
On the other hand, after three years of putting up with Wingnut's crap, I finally reamed her out and dh and I have had peace ever since. Even SD5 seems to have changed her behavior in response to the fact that someone finally stood up to mommy.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Yeah, you know, something
Yeah, you know, something like that happened to me, too. Not that I planned it that way, but about a year and a half ago, BM sent me an insulting email, and I decided I'd had enough and LET HER HAVE IT with both barrels in my response. I found out later that my email made her cry. GOOD. Anyway, she's been a lot less intrusive since then, due to that and the fact that my H finally sicced a lawyer on her a few months later.
Seriously, I think that with these psycho BMs, nothing much seems to work other than just bitch-slapping them repeatedly until they get the message. I wish more SO's/BFs/DHs would come to that realization; it seems like the ones on ST that do, finally get some results!
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Honey don't be jealous. You
Honey don't be jealous. You have character and courage and drive and brains. She's just selfish trash with no respect for herself. Give me hard work any day! I'm sure the kids like all the expensive gifts -- but remember it's just stuff. How much of it is broken or lost by now? I hope they learn how good accomplishment feels. That's something dingbat will never have. Keep your soul.
Does your dh give into her
Does your dh give into her when she wants cs early? In our county, CS (and alimony) is deducted from his pay and sent to Wingnut through the domestic relations office so she can't get it prepaid. If dh is giving in HE is your problem not his ex. Maybe you can call domestic relations and see if the check can go through them. That would take any "early" checks off the table without making dh look like the bad guy AND you won't see that money come in and go out. I think that is what helps me cope the most. We don't actually have to write the check.
As for how you get past the resentment of working hard while she is living high off the hog, I don't know what to tell you. I am in the same boat. DH and I work 120 hours a week between the two of us and she's sucking out 1/2 his income and spending it at the mall. My only saving grace is that alimony will end in 36 months (Yes, I am counting down) and then her days at the mall will be over.
Also, we make it clear to SD5 that mommy has money to buy her things because we give her money! DH tells SD all the time (especially when she is complaining that he works all the time or that mommy buys her more stuff) that everything she has at mommy's was bought with daddy's hard earned money. I don't feel the least bit bad about it. We aren't saying "you're mommy is lazy or doesn't work hard", we're just telling her the facts.
In PA, a person's earning potential is taken into account even if that person chooses to not work. So Wingnut had to get a job. Well, I guess she didn't have to because with alimony she's making more than enough to live on without her "job", but she needed medical coverage (she tried to make us pay that, but the court said no)
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Anon: I'm sorry I miswrote,
Anon: I'm sorry I miswrote, she actually is receiving $120.00 in addition to what she already gets every month. I had my meltdown in my living room in front of my husband. His ex did not hear it. I would not give her the satisfaction of knowing she got to me. The last time I spoke with her was about 10 months ago. I think you're right though. We can't force her to get a job. But it sure would be nice!
winehead: You're right- they do lose the expensive things. This is my stepson and daughter's 3rd phone in less than a year. Why? b/c they keep losing/breaking them. Personally I think they are too young for these expensive phones. They should get the "pay as you go" type. (IMO.)
Soverysad: my DH typically
Soverysad: my DH typically does not give in to her, which makes her VERY mad. But lately I feel like he is not standing up to her like he used to. Today he did give the money early- stating it is just one day early.
I just wish for once he would just tell her, "Well, that's just too bad- manage your money better or better yet, GET A JOB". I would LOVE that!
I know how you feel. DH
I know how you feel. DH used to give in all the time with other stuff. Sometimes when they get mad, dhs back off because it is just easier to do what they want (afterall that is probably what their marriage was like and they're used to compromising for peace sake). The question you need to ask him is would you rather make her mad or make me sad? Wingnut called once and said "I had to have car repairs done and since it is the car I drive our daughter around in, please let me know if you'd like to write me a check or write a check directly to the auto shop because the $ you give me isn't enough for "extra" expenses." Now at the time, DH was voluntarily giving her $5000 a month and she couldn't live on that even though he paid off all credit cards before he left and her car was paid for (not for nothing, I lived alone in the city of Boston on less than that with no debt). He actually thought about giving her the money because she threw out the guilt card (I drive OUR daughter in that car). I had to explain it to him like this "if your car brokedown would you ask your boss for an extra paycheck that week or would you figure it into your budget". Sometimes people just can't get past the immediate need to fix things and keep the peace.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Cruella:Thanks for the
Cruella:Thanks for the recommendation of going through DCSE. that is a good idea. The less we have to interact with her the better.
Soverysad:, I'm going to use that explanation the next time she calls wanting to get the "extras". Love it!
Belle: So far she has never attacked me personally, (that I know of) just my husband. I don't know how I would react if she ever tried to give me a hard time-but I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty.
Funny after he told her that
Funny after he told her that she'd be paying for those repairs herself she went bananas screaming at him (she knows it was me who said no, he had no backbone with her). She filed with the court for alimony and child support because we were "ripping her off" and she couldn't live on the $5K a month DH gave her voluntarily (DH paid the mortgage and utilities and gave her the difference between the $5K and those bills because he knew she wouldn't pay the bills and the house would be lost to foreclosure). She took it to court and lost $900 per month. She had to move out of the house because she got behind on the mortgage (we moved in). And since she filed a claim she had to sign the consent for the divorce to move forward (at which point she lost another $400 a month). In 3 more years, she'll lose another $2500 a month. If she couldn't survive on $5000 I can't imagine what she'll do when she's down to $2000 between her job and CS (and a car payment since she had to buy a new one when dh got a new one).
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Congrats and thanks for
Congrats and thanks for giving me hope that my greedy b$@ch will get the same!
Keep dreaming ladies. It
Keep dreaming ladies. It does happen. Sometimes you have to fight the fight. She fought custody tooth and nail, too. She spent about $60k in attorney's fees because she wanted full custody with dh getting eow "supervised". We got 50/50 and the judge won't allow her to take her own kid to the pediatrician. She fought for marital assets like this:
100% of all equity in house, dh's 401k, the car, dh's deferred compensation, $60,000 relocation bonus offered to dh by his company, $3500 per month alimony for 10 years, full payment of tuition to get a degree (like she'd do that, hahaha), and full payment of her attorney fees. She got 50% of house, 50% of 401k, 50% of deferred comp, nothing of the relocation $, $2500 per month alimony for four years, no tuition, and no attorney's fees (she'll be digging out of debt on this for years to come). AND since she was a complete ass and refuse to move the divorce along the house value plummeted $80K and dhs 401k lost a bundle. She totally screwed herself. It cost us a bundle in attorney's fees and fees for mental health care professionals (upon which she insisted and ultimately was told she needed individual counseling and dh did not), but being able to buy her out of the house made up for that!!
There are wins. Unfortunately, the process is designed to wear people out both financially and emotionally, which usually means the BM wins because she usually has possession of the kids from the outset. We were very fortunate.
Good luck in the New Year ladies and remember the best way to get what you want out of the situation is to insist on it.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Ugh! That just makes me
Ugh! That just makes me sick. How freakin' greedy can you be? Where is that woman's self respect? Why in the world would she think it's appropriate to go after 100% equity in the house, his car, his 401k, etc?? What a douche bag.
I'm so sorry
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
She thought she'd never have
She thought she'd never have to work again. SD was her retirement plan and that got all messed up for her when dh left her. I'm glad she was that greedy because if she were more reasonable she may have got more than 50%, but her arrogance rubbed the master the wrong way.
No worries though because someday soon, she'll be an old spinster with an out of control kid, no retirement, no life partner, and no self respect and DH and I will be growing old together and happy as ever.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
soverysad: I love it- good
soverysad: I love it- good for you!
My husband's ex will most likely be a lonely lady with the way she's going,[she has been engaged 3 times in the past 5 years-all have broken up with her after she has bought them expensive gifts or given them $$$$$ (more long stories there)]
But unfortunately she is set for life with daddy's money unless she blows that somehow.
I am new here too and it is
I am new here too and it is so good to know I am not alone. The only thing I can tell you is that the law requires your husband to support you as well as his ex. Keep your money separate. You didn't marry the idiot so why should you pay for her?
Spend your funds only on your family and even your husband if you like but make sure what you spend and how you do it is your decision and document it. Be sure you see a lawyer and make sure you are legally protected so that if anything happens to your husband, his ex and kids won't get it all. If you fix the plumbing in your communal home - keep the receipt because it is not your responsibility and your contribution to marital property or maintaining it will be deducted from her share.
It is sad to be so petty but I'd rather be petty than end up with nothing for all the years I have worked. Love is wonderful but that doesn't mean you have to pay for it. The money you keep will be your hedge against the ex and your future. Don't use your funds to support her.
I am new here too. I have to
I am new here too. I have to say is Amen to mummy50. What you said is so true. All my husband's ex cares about is child support and only time she wants us to have the kids is when she goes on vacation in the summer.