Yes, I agree..we can't demand or expect anything from anyone...We can only react to how we are treated..In my book, respect is the same as "consideration."

If you want respect and consideration, then in order to get it back, you have to be willing to give it.

Does that make sense?

Bottom line here is that you are the parent. Your own children, as well as SCs should respect you no matter what. In the long run if they don't learn how to respect you, they aren't going to respect themselves or others. They will think "if I don't like my teacher, I don't have to respect them." Or boss. Or spouse. You get the picture.

As far as how you do it ... simple ... the rules. There are household rules that have to be followed. Saying please, thank you, excuse me, asking permission, doing what you ask ... those are all aspects of respect. If they don't respect you then there should be reprocussions. For example, "if I have to ask you again you'll get a time out." If they are too old for time out's then whatever your regular household punishment/restriction is.

It will take some work, but once they know it's respecting you, or facing the consequences ... the respect will come. And they need to know that they may not like you, but they still have to respect you. One thing that really works in our household when the ... "well, my mom siad I don't have to ..." comes up. We say "in this house, it's the rule that ..." and it seems to work.

If you get the "you're not my mom and I don't have to do what you say ..." Then your response should be "that's right, I'm not your mom, but this is our house, your mom doesn't live here, and in this house you follow the rules, and the rule is ..." Probably one of the best things is to have your husband talk to his children and tell them what the rules are. And if they do any of the above, he should let them know what the consequences are going to be.

My husband said to his son, "in this house you follow our rules, and one of our rules is that you do what daddy and Trina say." It really helps if you have your partner's support.

Hope this helps ...

~ Katrina

You do not have to like someone to respect them. I think that that concept, and that of respect as a whole, would be easier for children to understand if they understood what respect really was. A lot of kids don't really grasp the meaning of respect. Saying please, thank you, and following rules are all things they are told to do. They don't understand that their actions have effects on other people, or that they reflect themselves as a person (or their parents!) through their actions. They think, well if I don't do what I'm told, I'll get in trouble. They don't associate it with respect, they associate it with disobeyance and punishment. Children don't understand a person's intrinsic rights as a human being, or the authority that an adult holds over a child. Those are things that we have to teach our children. We have to show them that everyone deserves to be treated kindly, that their elders are to be loved and obeyed, and that they will be held accountable for their own actions. Children, especially priveledged children, have a habit of taking things for granted - this is mostly our fault for providing such lavish environments and unconditional servitude to them without regard to whether they actually deserve it. Parenting by guilt is also something that I feel diminishes the depth of respect and its necessity to our children. I think that parents who constantly provide a good time to children who are visiting and don't allow them to see what life is really like living with them are only doing their relationship harm. When you go to a carnival, you expect to have a fun time. You expect the clowns to be funny and the hecklers to try to get to you play games. When a child is only exposed to the fun side of life, the life without rules or consequences with their visiting parent, they come to expect that of them. How can a child be expected to respect someone who shows them nothing but a good time and that they are the king of the world? How can you respect someone who has such little backbone that they allow you to walk all over them, constantly have your way, and take over the household at the age of 12? Children are empowered to become dictators in households which do not hold them accountable for their actions or instill and hold true to rules and regulations. I'm not saying that life needs to be a boot camp - only that you can't honestly expect a child to learn what respect is when they're never exposed to a situation that demands it or when both parents are not firm with them about it.

We were over at a friend's house the other night. They have a little girl who is 3. She is very scared of flying bugs. For some reason, when a bug comes in the house, she can't function anymore. She crawls up on top of a chair and screams and cries. We tried to explain to her that those bugs didn't even want to be around her, that they wouldn't hurt her, that they were more afraid of her than she was of them. What did she do? Keep screaming. Of course she kept screaming! Do you remember teaching your child what death means? When we killed the bugs, it didn't help at all. She doesn't understand death. She doesn't know that when something is dead, it's dead. It's still a bug! She's still scared of it!

We had a conversation with SS one night about divorce. BF asked him, "Do you know what divorce means?" SS replied, "It means people cry." He didn't understand that his parents were married and now they're not. To him, parents were a package deal. He didn't understand that that was not permanent. He didn't associate his parents with marriage. The same 3 year old girl from earlier was child to two parents who were not married until a couple of months ago. When they got married, I remember someone asked her, "Did you know your Mommy and Daddy got married today?" She had no idea what they meant.

You can't demand or command respect from someone who has no idea what it is. Of course that's only going to fuel more discontent or hatred. How can they uphold an ideal that they don't understand? But when you can show them what respect is, and how it relates to them, that might help them to understand the golden rule a little better.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

As adults, we all know that there are people in our lives that we just flat out do not respect. However, when those individuals are in a position of authority - judge, police officer, boss, etc. - then we do treat them in a respectful manner, regardless of how we feel about them personally. I think it's the same with kids. They don't have to like us, they don't have to love us, they don't have to want to be around us, but they DO have to treat us in a respectful manner, despite how they feel about us. I worked hard to earn the love and respect of my skids and I think we would have a great relationship today if their mother hadn't been successful in alienating them from their father, but even if they hadn't liked and respected me, I would still have insisted that they be respectful to me in my home as an authority figure, if nothing else. I think SP's should set the example with our own actions in the way we treat them, I think the bio parent to whom we are married MUST behave in a respectful manner towards us and also set the example and I think the other bio parent (the ex) should ideally be respectful, too, at least in front of the kids. We talk to our two bio kids together a lot about respect... defining it, giving examples, etc. so that they will know how to treat everyone in their lives. Most of the time it's just reminding them to treat us and others as they would want to be treated themselves.

~ Anne ~

We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.

That's what respect is. And you know something, at first, nyy SS's did not respect anything, not the rules, me, teachers, animals, not a thing. When I would tell them to do something they tell my "my says I don't have to listen to you." Really? Well, it's too bad your mom doesn't live here then isn't it? They would scream that they hated me, or their daddy, the dog, a teacher, anyone, anything. I would tell them that's fine, you can feel however you want, but you will respect me in my own home. Well that didn't work either. They would tell me they did not have to do that either. Fine, you're right, you don't HAVE to respect me, afterall, I can't actually MAKE you, but i will treat you the same as I would anyone else who disrespected me, and at that point, I stopped doing ANYTHING for them. NOTHING I did was for their benefit. After a while, and it didn't take long, they started to come around. Now they respect me or at least, as ANNIE says, treat me w/ respect. Sometimes they forget and I go right back to doing NOTHING.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

I agree with a lot of posts, and I just want to add that by respecting your spouse, each other, in view of the children, you also teach them. So, remember that respect does also start with home. Many of us have spouses that don't always respect us on our decisions, yet they asked us to be involved, all the while the kids are watching. The same can be said for MANY OF US, yet we may not want to admit it, or chose to see it, we too disrespect our spouse too. How you and your spouse treats each other has a lot to do with it, too. So, it's something that both parties have to be willing to say, you know I don't agree, but I'm going to support you, try it your way, then let's work together on another plan if it does not work out. If it works out, then we have to be willing to accept, yes, we were wrong, we should have trusted your decision. If any of this makes sense. It's just one piece of the puzzle too.

In light of that, if you fight in front of children, and there are many that do, they also need to see you resolve the fight and make up... maybe not the bedroom scenario, but you get the idea.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...