stop seeing your BF when he has his daughter,, then daddy can entertain his little angel all day long with anything she wants to do.  It sounds like your quite young and arent really ready for dealing with someone else brat,, and you dont have too.  Dating someone with kids is really hard , especially if the kids are brats,, stay disengaged and let your BF do all the work with HIS daughter

Your boyfriend and his ex are responsible for this child's behaviour problems.  They have not responded to her acting out (admittedly through her anxiety) in an appropriate firm, kind way, and have instead created an obnoxious little dictator.  This is not her fault, it is theirs.  If you want to hate someone, hate her parents.  

My stepdaughter is exactly like this other than she is now 18 years old! 
my husband thinks the sun shines out of her and her brother (17) 

I thought some of the holidays etc would calm down now they're older so we could go in our little family unit every so often. I have a 6 year old of my own, but apparently not. Apparently they are still coming... I get they are his kids but at the same time they're older. They're the biggest pains I have ever met in my life. I don't actually know how to cope right now, me and my husband can't talk about them without an arguement or me feeling like rubbish the rest of the day. 
I love my husband but don't know what to do other than going to a councillor as an escape and some way to vent! 

Been a stepmom for 15 years and I hate to tell you but this behavior only gets worse.  Wait until she's a teenager/young adult.  You really will dispise her!

She is 4 years old and not a monster!  If you already HATE her this much as a 4 year old, imagine what it will be like when she is 5 or 10 or 15.  

This 4 year old does not need to be exposed to someone that hates her so much.  Do yourself and this child a favor and find a different boyfriend.   

Sorry, but everyone is right. The situation isn't going to get better. Or at least it won't for a good 15 years it so.

Your story is an extremely common one. It's so common, it's like there's a formula for step-families :  1. The bio-parents spoil the hell out of the kid. 2. The kid is clinging, insecure, badly behaved and poorly disciplined.  3. There are no ground rules or boundaries in the home.  4. The bio-parent is defensive, and deflects all input, criticism and confrontation.

You remind of myself 10 years ago. When I first started going out with my then-boyfriend, now-husband,  I was writing these exact same things about my SS who was 6 at the time. (Including the co-sleeping issues). 

How did I get through it? How am I still in this relationship 10 years later?  By disappearing for 48 hours when my other half had his son, every other weekend (EOWE).    I have always lived with with my man full-time, but EOWE when SS came to stay, I went and stayed at my parents.  It worked just fine. 

At the time, some people were saying "Why should you have to leave your own home?!!!"   But you know what? I didn't see it that way.  I chose to see it as EOWE being all about "Me" time. I spent quality time with my parents, catch up time with friends, pamper treatments in beauty salons, quiet time for reading novels, going to the movies by myself and watching ANYTHING I wanted to watch. It was brilliant.  These days, SS doesn't come over anymore anyway. He's 16 and would rather stay at friends houses and party.  Besides, I'm grateful I had all that quality time with my parents, as my dad died recently.

Anyway. Remove yourself from the situation EOWE. The situation won't change for you. So you've got to work around it. 

Try it. Everytime your boyfriend has a daddy/daughter weekend, disappear, and have "Me" time. You'll love it. You'll discover that the world is your OYSTER !!!

"She always talks back and doesn't do what she is told the first time she is told to do it."

Huh?! what 4 year old does what you ask the first time you ask!? hate to break it to you, but part of dealing wiht kids is having ot be a broken record. If she wa 14 I could see whrere you are comming from, but 4.... you are expecting way to much from her.

And to say you "Hate" her... what  did she ever do to you other than exist?! If you dont like her because you have to share your BF... get a BF who does not have kids.

 kids are like sponges, they may not be able to articulate things well, but trust me she know you dont like her and that is damaging her. You think shes annoying now, just wait. She knows you dont like her so as she gets older she will look for reasons to piss you off. 

Do the kid and yourself a favor and walk away. 

Keep in mind that she is 4. When she is 8 and doing this same crap.... then you will have a problem.

To prevent that from happening, whining manipulative tears and tantrums get her immediately sent to her room.  If necessary firmly march her to her room, plant her there, close the door and get back to what you were doing.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

She will learn what behaviors deliver the results she is looking for and which behaviors deliver unpleasant consequences.

This isn't rocket science.  Keep it simple.

This is your boyfriends fault, not hers. He's a subpar parent. His daughter sounds high maintenance and spoiled. Again not her fault. Step kids are the worst but it's because of their parents!

Because 4 year olds are at the age of being energetic, fighting and learning to be independent, to challenge yku at times, there are the usual tantrums, they’re distracted at times doing activities and do need to be stimulated.

you’re comments come across like this 4 yr old needs to be at a level of a 10yr old who should know better. A 4 yr old is still learning at still craves attention and affection from her parents (perfectly normal), this is a kindergarten aged child. Have you seen parents dropping their kids off at kindergarten? Because some cry and have seperation anxiety and this again is normal.

i don’t think this is the relationship for you having a man with a young child which you never wanted because you aren’t a mum and you never signed up to be a parent and thats ok. You don’t have the patience to handle, be around a young kid and that is ok but staying in this relationship isn’t for you because if you can’t tolerate her behaviour now, it’ll get worser when she gets older and to her teens and start rebelling and defying authority 

I agree that the parents in this kid's life are the ones creating this mess. They're the real ones to be mad at.

But the behaviors you're describing are pretty typical of a four year old. A four year old can't realistically behave like a much older child, or understand adult concepts. I think you're expecting a bit much for her age. You don't really have a leg to stand on when you say this isn't how you would raise kids, because you really don't know until you do have kids of your own. I'm not throwing shade. I'm just saying, in any life situation--what you would do vs what actually happens when put in the same position are typically two different things.

All that said, I do think your feelings are valid. Maybe being with a man who has children just isn't the right thing for you. And that's ok. Not everyone is a "kid person." If this isn't something you think you can reasonably put up with for the long haul, it might be time to cut ties. Personally, I'd be more into a man with kids if he's at least good at parenting them, ya know?

The early years are the most important time to address behavior issues. If you dont they grow to be more problematic.  If your DH doesn't want to with you, suggest you both seek help from a professional on how to handle it.  When she throws a tantrum the behavior should be ignored,  she should go to time out and learn how to self soothe. When she handles a situation appropriately or calms herself without needing time out she should be praised.

She sounds spoiled. No 4 year old behaves all the time, but she does sound like shes worse than she could be due to being spoiled. My SD was like that at 4, plus nasty sneaky mean already also. Delighted in being able to make other kids cry, for example. The spoiled part has somewhat gone away when shes at our house with better parenting from DH, so if it's just that you have hope. The nasty mean part hasnt gone away regardless of parenting so that seems to be more inborn.

The most important question is why he allows a 4-year-old child to sleep in his bed.  Seriously, this is the most disturbing thing you've said.  Don't listen to anyone else here who tells you that's okay--it is not on the face of it and it is not going to help her grow up and out some day.  Also, as you said, you hate the daughter.  I would leave this relationship as soon as you can muster the strength--it's not going to get better.  Best.

Hello, i have the same feeling, I'm not sorry to say I hate her and her slutty mother. I dont want her at ky home every day when her mom is working and even on Sunday which is my only day off. I Just want to spend a nice weekend with my husband not with her. I can stand her at my home one or two days a week but not more. We still dont have our own kids, why should I stand this rude 8 year old girl. I love my husband and he loves me too. The only problem we have is because this kid. 

I'm sorry to hear this. My boyfriend's daughter caused the demise of our five year relationship. It seems to be a common thing going around.