I feel like a failure.....

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Today my SO was hurting because of the cruel way his kids have been treating him. I think the light bulb finally came on and he realizes that his kids are not as great as he thought they were. Yea, they are very smart and do well in school, but otherwise, they are rude and liars. Instead of me supporting him and comforting him because he seriously was hurting, I went off the deep end and started yelling that his kids are selfish, spoiled, liars and rude brats. His kids are 17 and 23. All he wanted was for his kids to have Thanksgiving dinner with him. In accordance with his CO visitation, he was to have his youngest starting today through Sunday (obviously his oldest doesn’t fall under the CO but previously did). I understand the youngest is old enough to make her own decisions, but both his kids said they couldn’t make it because the oldest had to spend Thanksgiving “studying” for mid-terms (lie) and the youngest already made plans with her mom and her side of the family – another lie. Both went about it in the most cruelest way in my opinion and continue to make up more lies to cover their old ones. Fing liers and he found out the truth. BM is going to her BFs sisters house for dinner and youngest is spending Thanksgiving with her brothers girlfriends (of six months) family. WTF? I saw through their lies immediately, but didn’t say anything to SO at first.

When realization set in that his kids would not be spending any time with him on Thanksgiving, he was crushed. What do I do? I screamed at him that his kids are liars, and everything else I thought about his kids over the last several years. He was stunned. I just couldn’t help myself. I let everything out. When I was finished, I felt horrible for kicking him when he was down (figuratively not literally). During my screaming rampage, I told him I was sick of all the drama and I cannot continue to put up with drama with BM and his kids. My life is simple. I have 2 kids and their father and I had successfully split our time during the holidays when they were kids (they are now adults). Even if visitation fell on my day for Christmas or Thanksgiving, I always made sure the kids spent time at their father’s and he did the same for me. No, my ex and I do not like each other, but we knew that our kids were a priority and not pawns in some stupid BS game.

SO just called me to tell me his youngest is having dinner with him. Big fucking deal. You had to guilt her into it.

I feel like such a failure to my SO…...

I get it. You were pissed

I get it. You were pissed that they were hurting him and you wanted him to see that they are not worth hurting over. Give yourself a break, we have all been there, at least I have.

It's hard to see someone you love being hurt by selfish ingrates and at some point, you just want to scream, "They are not worth it and here's why!"

My husband's daughter has never spent one holiday with us, not one. He split with BM when SD was 5 and she's now 22.

I have made my husband feel like crap for ever being with, having a child with, and marrying BM. At some point, it just comes out.

Thank you hereiam. That's

Thank you hereiam. That's exactly how I feel - I don't like anyone hurting the ones I love.

And sometimes, it does help

And sometimes, it does help to open their eyes so they will not be taken advantage of. My husband will always love his daughter, as he should, but he will not be played by her. And I make sure of it.

I'm working on making sure he

I'm working on making sure he doesn't get played again too. I just need to learn not to bottle it up and then scream. I need to discuss it with him when I'm more rational.

Yes, being rational does help

Yes, being rational does help prove our point better than being emotional. I have learned that over my 17 years with my husband but I have never claimed to be rational and I still have my moments.

Emotion comes from, well, deep emotion. You love him deeply and you react when people hurt him. Totally understandable, at least to us irrational, emotional ones.

Goin' through the exact same

Goin' through the exact same thing here. Feels like I have no control over my own emotions lately. It drives me absolutely BATSHIT mental when SD13 openly disrespects DH, treats him like shit and freezes him out. When he's hurting, we're hurting, so it makes me damn angry. What makes me even angrier, is when her behaviour is overlooked, swept under the rug and ultimately forgiven, in the end, with no consequences whatsoever.

I hate that, she's allowed to behave in this manner when none of our other kids do. It sucks that he allows her to have this weird fucking hold over our relationship.

I lost it over the weekend and yelled at him. He'd been going to see a mediator and the mediator told him, he can't do anything anymore because SD acts like a jilted lover. So, when I found out through MIL that DH had been communicating with SD, I went mental. I said some extremely hurtful things to him and later, I felt rotten. I felt pushed into a corner bc it seems as though I'm the one being paranoid and petty. After 1.8 years of trying to deal with her dramas it just all hit me and I lost control.

We almost split up over it. We had a huge fight and he also said some very hurtful things to me. I told him it was ridiculous that one child could hold this much power over the rest of us and I was bloody sick of it.

We are now looking at counselling to try and cope with it all.

Hang in there - I know exactly how you feel.

Yeah, your SD19 needs to go.

Yeah, your SD19 needs to go. She is milking it.

Mrs Taylor - I found a

Mrs Taylor - I found a website that offers counselling for couples in step-family situations. I've sent it to my DH and he's agreed to it.

Fingers crossed, this helps us!!

I find myself wishing that we had one of those rooms you can book for an hour and just smash a whole stack of plates.. think its in Japan somewhere? I could bloody well do with one of those right now, let me tell you!!

We live in front of a reserve where cyclists come zooming around.. the other evening I walked out the back and just screamed at the top of my lungs.. thank God no cyclists were shooting around..that might've freaked them out and caused them to ride straight into the river.. but sometimes you just gotta let it out..y'know?

Damn! I can't believe you do

Damn! I can't believe you do the same thing I do! I turn the shower on and just let it all out too! I was on the bathroom floor the other night

I have thought about

I have thought about counseling for myself. May be after the holidays, I will make an appointment. I've thought about couples counseling for SO and I even though we are not married. But that seem strange to me - needing a couples counselor when we aren't even married.

You don't have to be legally

You don't have to be legally married to be committed. A couple is a couple. And you seem committed to your SO and your relationship. Do what you think you need to do.

We are very committed to each

We are very committed to each other. We've been together for 5 years. But each year it seems like BM and his kids get worse. This year was the worst in every way possible. I have stood by his side the whole 5 years, but for some reason the last 6 months have been difficult to be supportive. I guess I am just run down. I'm going to suggest counseling to him. I know he would agree to go. I think he needs someone, other than me, to talk about his struggles with his children and ex.

Sometimes it helps for them

Sometimes it helps for them to talk to, and hear feedback from an outsider. I wish you luck, I know you want this to work and I also know how hard it can be.

hereiam - Your responses have

hereiam - Your responses have been so helpful. I agree that getting feedback from an outsider will be better. I'm sure I sound like a broken record to him. I do want this to work out for him and for us.

IslandGal - I haven't been

IslandGal - I haven't been able to control my emotions for the last 6 months. I told SO 6 months ago that I couldn't handle the drama any longer. I've cried more in the last 6 months than I have in 20 years. I'm not a crier but its been tough this year.

Oh man I hear you! I'm not a

Oh man I hear you! I'm not a crier neither - in fact, I bloody HATE to cry.. but ever since I met DH, I reckon I've cried enough tears to fill up the river nile. No other person in my life has ever made me feel like this - the hurting is so damned intense sometimes, it makes me shake all over - and this is NEW to me!!

I also told DH that it was getting to be too much for me. I suggested living apart for a while, and he shot that down - told me I might as well tell him to go down a black hole.. so I'm hanging in there.. the whole damn situation just sucks!!

IslandGal - I hope the tears

IslandGal - I hope the tears stop for you. You certainly deserve to be happy.

Thank you Journey1982 - this

Thank you Journey1982 - this site is a tremendous help!

My SOs kids are highly PASed

My SOs kids are highly PASed by BM too. Its been going on for way too many years. He has been ignored and forgotten every holiday too. BM would always make plans on holidays that fell on his CO visitation. Its difficult to watch. I just feel so horrible for being mean when he was at his lowest.

Do something special for him

Do something special for him and let him know he is loved. Just be there for him. He needs you.

Thank you heriam...I think I

Thank you heriam...I think I will do something special for him and I will definitely let him know that he is loved. He deserves better than what his kids did to him today and what I did. I do love him. He is kind, gentle and sweet to me. I was truly blessed the day he came into my life. Now that I got this off my chest, I can concentrate on being there for him. Thank you for your kind words and support.