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I don’t recognize myself anymore

Momma788's picture

In other posts my background I have 2 young children with H older one has autism. I don't think H is cut out for marriage. It's his way or the Highway. His daughter and blood relatives have always come first. For 8 years I have taken the back seat and for roughly 4 years I played free babysitter and doormat. Every issue turns into me being a horrible human being that's taken him away from his daughter. BM is typical used their kid as a weapon just wanted money and free time. She's honestly created a lot of issues and to boot his family loves her and dislikes me. I don't want anything to do with them. The past few years I'm disconnected, I don't have sexual desire and I feel no empathy for my husband anymore. I have sex with him out of obligation to keep him from cheating not that it will stop him. I'm on autopilot. We've separated several times and each time I've had to beg him to come home to me and his other kids. He told today that I'm a shell of a person. He's right I am I didn't realize how draining the life is. All the giving and getting nothing in return. We talked about retirement and he's basically told me where he wants to go and that he's going with or without me. Then proceeds to tell me BM and SD are moving there too. I don't want this. For the past 8 years BM has lived roughly 10 min away from us which she's always calling for something. I told him today I need space from her when his daughter is an adult. I get he wants to be close to her even as an adult but I want my own life. I don't want her dictating where we live. I want like an hour distance. We don't need to be neighbors well now I'm a horrible person he's on the couch. He called me stupid said I was paranoid and crazy. Then he told me that "nobody controls him" when it's a lie BM and SD has been controlling him for years. He's probably going to sleep the couch until I run to him begging for forgiveness. Every time I do this I hate myself even more. I've heard from others that this type of family drains you. Does anyone else feel drained.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Do you have family you could stay with? I worry about you from the tone of your post. Your not-so-DH sounds emotionally abusive. Since you have kids, maybe counseling could help but if he doesn't want to change, nothing will help. Maybe counseling could help you navigate a separation if nothing else. Some counselors are literally batsh!t crazy themselves, but it's a chance to make things better for you. You are not being treated well.

Momma788's picture

I don't have family I can go to the only person is my mom and she's remarried they live in a small apartment. Her new husband kind of doesn't want anything to do with me and my kids. He's kind of possessive and we only see her twice a month. I think the only she would help at all is if the divorce wheels were in motion and that might just be a little help once in awhile. My H throws that in my face often says "your own mother doesn't want you" 

Rags's picture

You have to get a lawyer, get temp custody and Neil him for a pile of CS.  He is abusing you and your children.

Do what you must to end this.

Now.

justmakingthebest's picture

Your husband needs a kick in the balls. That is one of the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. That is NOT a man who is fulfilling his marital vows to you. He is supposed to protect you and cherish you. He is hurting you.

Momma788's picture

The truth is I don't think he ever loved me. At the time I was single, childless, had a good job and a lot of love to give. I wanted a family and while everyone warns you about how bad single mothers are everyone praises single fathers and how great it can be. It was nothing but pain and neglect and I was very foolish to believe it would ever change. He wanted me for selfish reasons. A mother for his daughter, a paycheck, someone to have sex with. A replacement for BM. It was a win win for him. I was dumb and did everything he wanted. After I had my kids things changed I was tired broken couldn't work anymore and had no patience to do everything he wanted. He became more and more angry and bitter at me. Told me I changed he doesn't like who I am and I'll never change back.

justmakingthebest's picture

That could be. I am sorry that he took advantage of you when you went into this relationship open and giving. 

Just because he isn't hitting doesn't mean that what you are going through is not abuse. Please, look up a local women's shelter. Ask for help. That doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong and supported. They have resources for housing, attorney's that take on cases pro-bono, vehicles- they can help you. 

TwoOfUs's picture

Leave him and get as much CS as you possibly can from him. Given one of your mutual children is autistic, you can probably be awarded more CS and for longer. 
 

If he won't support you and his kids out of love or even because it's the right thing to do...force the support through the courts. Don't back off because you feel sorry for him. Make sure he takes all his visitation days and overnights. If he doesn't...back to court for more CS.

 

How DARE he steal your best earning and childbearing years with the false promise of a family...only to turn around and abandon/abuse you once his daughter is grown. 
 

It sounds like he's making your life hell. Woman up...leave...then turn around and make his life hell.

I believe in you. 

1dad4kids's picture

You're not stuck there, even if you feel like you are. There are resources. You and your children deserve better, the kids deserve a whole Mom, not a shell. And you deserve to be that for them. Don't think of it as them losing their Dad, but getting back their Mom. They can still see him, look how much he sees your SD? Hell, by the looks of how things are with his BM you guys will probably get along better when you leave him. 

Get on Google, search "how to leave an abusive relationship in (your city name)" and go from there. 

Good luck

SeeYouNever's picture

That does sound draining. Sometimes a relationship starts out good but slowly kills your soul with a million little paper cuts. It sounds like your husband never really assimilated into a family with you. He's seriously thinking of retiring and moving with BM while you have young kids together? Some men never learn. 

I'm sorry you're going through this, I would feel used and discarded. It takes a certain kind of selfish person to abandon a spouse when they are obviously suffering and especially if they are suffering because of what they caused! It makes sense to feel used up. What a selfish dick!

If he goes again let him, make a mental note of everything BM did that for her what she wanted, I would use the same tactics if he leaves you. 

justmakingthebest's picture

This is a horrible place to be in. I am really concerned over this statement "I have sex with him out of obligation to keep him from cheating not that it will stop him" -- Has he cheated in the past? 

Why would you run to someone who called you stupid asking for forgiveness? 

Divorce sucks, there is no way around that but it has to be better than how you are living right now. You are a prisioner. 

Momma788's picture

He always makes me feel guilty like it's my fault. For 8 years im not allowed to want or need anything because he has to be a father to his daughter I'm supposed to sacrifice having a normal marriage or any kind of relationship with my husband because he works and he's divorced and I knew what I was getting Into. I was supposed to babysit whenever he wanted to have sex when he required it and make money and because I don't make a lot of money I'm a stupid loser. It's mainly his daughter he makes me feel guilty about. It's ok for him to call his own son worthless for being autistic but god forbid I say I don't want to live near your ex wife when your daughter is an adult. I'm crazy paranoid stupid and knocking him for wanting to be close to his family. 

Gimlet's picture

OP, this is abuse. 

Your husband is an abusive POS.  Please search for resources for abused women in your area.  You are in an abusive relationship and you do not deserve to be treated this way. 

 

Momma788's picture

Well to clarify I no longer take care of her. A few years ago things got out of hand I was very overwhelmed with my other 2 kids and SD told her mom she was bored and didn't want to be alone with me anymore. I'll never forget the night H found out because BM was livid that I wasn't going to be her free babysitter anymore. I was relieved that she didn't want to be with me anymore it was too much and nothing I did was right. I was exhausted laying o the couch he came attacked me and said my daughter doesn't want to be here and it's your fault you don't care you're a bad person. After that I told him never wanted to be alone with her again. Now his family hates me and he resents me.

Gimlet's picture

I'm not talking about the babysitting.  I am talking about the way he treats you and your children together.  Even without SD, he would still be an abusive POS.

Momma788's picture

It think that might be part of the reason BM left him. Not that I'm defending her she sucks but I can see why she wanted to punish him. She used their daughter to get back at him. I don't know I could be the type of person to shove my children on to a strange woman just to get back at him. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I hooe you don't feel guilty for not taking care of SD. She has to be getting to an age where she doesn't need it anyway. 

Aniki's picture

Your H is an abusive jerk who is overly enmeshed with BM.

Hon, you deserve better. Your children deserve their mother. You can give the gift of yourself to them and you. Please do as others suggested and find a resources to help you escape. 

Momma788's picture

It's not BM he's obsessed with it's SD. The reason why I came to the conclusion that he wanted to be close to BM was because chances are SD would be living with her even as an adult. I have no objections to being in the same state because it's pretty much established that she's always going to come first no matter how old we are or what's going on with our other children and I told him I really didn't want to be living 15 min away from her when the kids are adults. Because we're doing that now. But it always turns into a full blown attack on my intelligence and character 

Winterglow's picture

So why do you stay? He belittles you, insults you, abuses you, what do you get out of it?

Gimlet's picture

From past blogs she has no family support, a special needs kid, and can't work full time because of the special needs of her child.  Plus she's worried about her abusive husband having the kids without her.

That's why people are urging her to look into resources.  I am hoping someone with more experience with special needs children can speak to any benefits she might be able to get as a single mother. 

I'm worried that the damage will be greater if she stays than if she leaves, for her and her kids.  It's a really tough situation to be in.

thinker's picture

I agree. This is a terribly difficult situation.  Whatever happens, I'm not sure there's a clear path to peace for OP or her children, but sometimes in life you have to choose the better of two bad options.  Here,  OP is carrying the weight of her husband's bad choices and that weight has become unbearable.  Once OP decides she's ready to leave and gets serious about her exit plan, I believe she'll find that there are resources to help her find shelter for herself and her children and care for her special needs child so she can work full time.  If she's using state resources or the help of woman's shelter or other nonprofit, they'll likely also help her obtain a divorce and child support.  However, if her DH wants shared custody of the kids, it's likely he'll get it.  A good therapist will help OP  navigate her new role of coparenting with her former abuser, which is probably among the hardest things anyone can go through in life, so I wouldn't suggest to anyone, no matter how strong they think they are, to do it alone without professional help.  Truely a difficult situation, but by leaving OP at least (i) removes herself from daily emotional abuse; and (ii) removes herself from most of the problems in her life related to her stepchildren.  Best of luck.  

Aniki's picture

Of course it turns into an attack. He is verbally beating you down to destroy your confidence and self-esteem to get you to stay. Abusers need a target and you are his.

Please get out of this horrible situation. 

ETA: I said he is overly enmeshed with BM; not obsessed. You said that BM is "always calling for something". She should only be calling about SD.

Regardless, the only solution is that you and your children need to leave this abusive life.

Texashley33's picture

Me and my Husband have 2 children together and 1 older Step Son with Autism. His ex wife (they weren't even married for a year, and only married bc she got pregnant and he didn't love her, he had a head injury when he met her so yeah) lost custody of their son bc she's a selfish drunk etc. We have custody of SS17 and hes terrible like she is..lies, manipulates, and now acts mute bc his BM tried to sue us and win custody back..she lost but it made me hate SS even more and he knows it and he hates his BM and her parents..told them all to leave him alone. My Husband absolutely hates BM and barely even likes his own son, bc well.. the kid is an asshole like his BM. If I were you I wouldn't stay with someone that wants to live by his ex..my Husband hates his ex and never answers her texts and ignores her if we see her in public..and that's how it should be..they are exes. BM also has ANOTHER ex Husband (bc she's psycho and trash) and she literally follows them around everywhere and talks all over their Facebook pages..it's really ridiculous looking and pathetic. Glad it's not me. Don't let it be you. Find someone without an ex wife and kid. If my Husband wanted anything to do with his ex I would leave. But he hates her as much as I do so things are cool. A lot of people hate her..but in her own little mind she thinks everyone loves her and wants her back..the only people that "want" her are old drunks or cops, bc she keeps getting arrested for DWI's. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

I have been you in many ways. My soon to be ex husband left me, well I kicked him out, for BM. It was all to be with his adult daughter. It wont end at 18, he wont move away from his precious princess. Since our breakup I have seen my soon to be ex DH out on a daddy daughter date at OUR old favorite restraunt. Believe me, these type of shit sucky balless men will do anything for the daughter. 

Be me, leave. You are not stuck. Find a womans shelter if need be. Just do it. Your mental health is already at stake. That is not good for you or your children . Your DH is an asshole to the highest degree. Abuse comes in many shapes and forms, and sometimes they disguise it. Yours doesn't and it is obvious.

Texashley33's picture

My Husband told his son, SS17, that he can get out if he doesn't like living with us..i keep hoping SS17 will get out..but he hates his BM. BM moved really close to us, so he could literally walk to her house. Pshh. If my Husband treated me like the way yours is treating you, I would be gone. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

He has shown you the person he is for calling his son worthless (My daughter has autism...). 

I divorced my now ex husband who had some not very nice traits about him. 

It’s difficult, but I also felt great relief afterwards. 

I agree that you need to investigate child support (are you able to get any benefits for your child’s autism?). 

If that were me I would seek legal advice on money, and where you would live as there may be options you haven’t thought of. This can also be reassuring if you don’t have friends or family for support. Or could someone help you access free legal advice? 

Are you living in hope that he will change and be a bit nicer? (That’s what I did). One day I decided that he was not ever going to change and he would always have a mean streak. 

It would benefit you to have a plan, and a few options (just make sure he doesn’t find out). 

Is your child with Autism of school age? If they are of nursery age you could suggest some time at nursery for them each week (for the ‘social’ aspect you could tell your partner...) this would make it significantly easier to leave if you wanted to because you would have some you time. Maybe they already go?

My Daughter doesn’t socialise in the traditional manner but enjoys copying the other children play with toys, and sometimes they chase each other.