I don’t even know where to start
Like the title says, I'm not sure where to start.
Fiancé found out he possibly may be a father to a 7yo in November. He did not tell me until January. They apparently did DNA testing but when I kept asking, he would deflect and then told me he wasn't the father. In March, he came clean about it and said he was. He was hiding this major secret, and it was especially hard because he had an emotional affair last year.
Since then, I've quickly realized the life I expected to have with my fiancé was gone. Mostly because he is unable to set any sort of boundaries or include me in important decisions. Example, he did not consult with me before deciding he would stay over night on Saturdays to be with his son while the BM worked late and apparently goes to her BFs. Told him I was really uneasy about this but basically said to me to deal with it. That's the one major thing.
The second major thing is that BM's identity was kept secret from me until fiancé slipped and had her name and address saved on a shopping website I also have access to. He asked me not to reach out to her and was speechless when I told him about this. I asked him why? Was he cheating? He said he was not but due to his history I have doubts. Apparently speaking to her, meeting her, or meeting his son will not happen any time soon and fiancé cannot give me a timeline. Seems like he is respecting her boundaries more than mine.
I spent the last year living with him but I moved out as a consequence. I feel like I am in a constant power struggle and that no matter what consequence I threaten or enforce, it doesn't seem to matter to him. He will not stand up to BM for some reason to help me feel any sort of comfort or hope that we can carry on with our plans and include his son.
It's getting ridiculous. I am tired. I am not ready to give up but I may need to for my own sanity. Any helpful words would be appreciated.
Wow - there's a few red flags
Wow - there's a few red flags there. He's spent the night at HER place to be with his son? Why couldn't his son come to his place? Not letting you know is also concerning. Another flag - keeping her identity secret from you? I'm guessing this guy is still having an affair with her or still wants her.
My advice? Do NOT move back in with him. Keep your own place and date him if you want to, but I would be leaving his ass. He doesn't seem to be ready to settle down with you darl - I'm sorry, but that's what it looks like.
You're completely right.
You're completely right. There's so many red flags, this is just the tip of the ice berg. The reason for him going there, according to him, is that BM is wary about son being at his place because my fiancée has guns. I don't think he should be sleeping there period. He can wake up early on a Sunday and drive there as it's not too far away.
I definitely plan on continuing to keep my own safe space, because when I do go over there even two days in a row I can tell my mental health starts slipping into a dark place. His house is just a pit of negative energy for me because of multiple reasons. I am happiest in my space. Thank you for your comment!
Honestly, I'd cut my losses.
Honestly, I'd cut my losses. This man is not trustworthy. He already lied to you about the kid (And why? Does he think you're stupid or that you wouldn't find out?) Who knows what else he'll lie about, or is lying about. He doesn't consider your feelings. He isn't putting you first. Your life with him is not going to be what you thought it would when you agreed to marry him, and it's not changing for the better. Red flags are flying all over. Save yourself and leave him.
End this relationship. You can do better.
End this relationship. You can do better. Listen to your gut - it is telling you that you can't trust him. Listen to your instincts.
This man is showing you he
This man is showing you he will never be honest with you. You can't have a relationship with someone you can't trust.
He doesn't make you or your feelings a priority. He dismisses your concerns. He is unwilling to make compromises and treat you like an equal partner in the relationship.
He isn't going to change. You are just seeing more of the real him the more you get to know him
If you stay in this relationship it will slowly break you.
You need to grow some
You need to grow some testicular fortitude and learn your worth... to yourself.
Dump this POS.
You can't have a marriage
You can't have a marriage with secrets. I could understand sitting on he info for a couple of days to process it, but you should have known about all of this back when he first found out, not months later.
2nd- staying overnight to be with his kid- you don't really believe that is all that this is, do you? Not sure what this woman is up to, but I promise it isn't good. Your SO is a liar and a cheat. Have more respect for yourself.
If this situation was your best friend and not you, what would you tell her to do?
The woman may not even know
The woman may not even know he has a gf! The MAN is up to no good.
Can you live the rest of your
Can you live the rest of your life this way? It seems as if he is not respecting you at all and a relationship without respect is not healthy.
Say buh bye
Hun my ex DH cheated on me with BM. Lots of secrets, happenings that made me question, just like you I had that GUT feeling. He doesnt introduce you because he is keeping his two woman apart. She probably does not know you exist, or if she does he downplays you. YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Follow your gut, make this guy your ex fiance. Move on to an honest guy. It aint worth your heart break.
Blessings to a better life
ETA what kind of crap guy makes you a fiance yet keeps BM identity a secret? Or an emotional affair ??WTF I can hear the song playing for your player fiance "To all the girls Ive loved before..." by Willie Nelson.
Dump him. NOW.
Dump him. NOW.
Ummm he's cheating on your
Ummm he's cheating on your with another women that he had a secret child with. He's not worth the amount of therapy and alcohol you are going to need to survive this relationship.
Count your blessings that his
Count your blessings that his true moral code of conduct became evident before you married him. He's lied, he's cheated (emotional affair is cheating), he ignores your needs, he keeps secrets. Nothing about this says "happy marriage." You're obviously smart and in touch with your own needs--if you're happiest in your own place, that's where you need to be.
Hon, being single is better
Hon, being single is better than being in a rotten relationship. A good relationship or marriage is based on love and respect. A good partner is one you can trust. This guy isn't checking any of those boxes.
On top of that, to be happy in a step situation respect, communication, honesty and understanding are even more essential than in a non-step relationship.
Cut your losses and RUN. You can do much better!!
There's so many red flags,
There's so many red flags, this is just the tip of the ice berg.
Then why would you want to continue this "relationship"?
Re-read your post. A relationship/partnership should not be a constant power struggle. He hides things from you, lies to you, makes decisions without talking to you, and he had an emotional affair. And, he's obviously buying and having things shipped to her. You cannot trust him.
Do you really want to to live the rest of your life like this?