I have had a similar situation to you - my DH pays for private schooling for his daughters, and an obscenely large (in my view) amount of CS - and I found out that for a year or so he'd been paying his ExWife's mortgage because she and her current partner were in financial difficulty. I was livid when I found out (by accident) - especially as at the time I was doing a job I hated - and that money could have meant I didn't have to do it.

I told him I thought it was totally out of order, and he did stop paying it, although by that time he'd given her thousands of £. You can't stop your husband giving her money, but if it puts strain on your household he will have to accept the consequential damage to your relationship of him doing something of which you so strongly disapprove. Perhaps you could suggest the two of you go to marital counselling - as I bet the counsellor would also think this was inappropriate, and maybe he would see sense.

UGH i Feel ur pain. My DH was doing this when we first met. He was paying a lot in child support, as well as paying extra for activities, clothing,etc for his bio child and former stepkid. I told him that all this has too come to a halt. Esp for the older one whos not his bio. Its okay to be there for her as a father, but not as a financial debt! The mom doesnt appreciate anything extra he does anyway..always give me give me give me.

He might feel guilty for the divorce but still not okay. If she can't support the kids on her income and what the courts order in child support, she needs to relinquish custody. You are right, it is wrong. Now the tricky part is convincing him that. Here is what I say to everybody who has complaints about what the SO does with their money regarding their past life:

If you work and contribute to the home's finances, this is what you do. Explain to him that he has the choice to do whatever he wants with his money. HIS money, not yours. If he is going to choose to disrespect you by going above and beyond for the ex, (not his kids, because his CS pays his part for the kids so anything extra should be given to the kids, not the ex)then your finances need to be separate. This is how you do it. You have one joint account, and each of you have a personal account with only your names on it. All bills are paid out of the joint account and it is used ONLY for that purpose. You contribute to the account by figuring up the total amount needed for the home (rent or mortgage, utilities, phone, food, etc), divide that number by number of heads that live in the home. That is how much each person uses so you put that amount for yourself and any children of yours that live in the home from a previous marriage. You put half that amount in the account for any children you have with your husband. Then if he chooses to continue supporting her, which I bet he won't, the sting will still be there that he wants to support the ex but at least he won't be doing it on your dime so it will not affect your money.

I've told so many people this, I doubt anybody has done it. I didn't even have to do it. I simply sat now DH, then boyfriend, down and told him that if he was going to continue to pay her bills that is how we would go about it. That all of a sudden made a light come on for him to see my point that he wasn't doing it for his kids like he said because if he were doing it for his kids he wouldn't let them continue to live in that neglectful environment. They had 50/50 (True Joint) custody back then and even though she was getting SD's $700 disability check and making $2400 at her job, living in a house where the rent was $675 with four other adults, she couldn't afford power, rent, even toothpaste. Of course, there was no shortage of drugs, booze, running the roads, and brand new couture clothing and accessories every month. I told him if he were doing it for his kids, he would get his kids out of there. He was not doing it for his kids, he was doing it because it was habit to just give her whatever she wanted so he wouldn't have to listen to her psychopath screaming.

I don't care how he "feels" about his divorce, this sneaky behavior behind wife's back is absolutely unacceptable.
Separate fiances, have your own bank account, separate EVERYTHING from this guilty man.

What if you and your ex still communicate and you take care of him because you feel "guilty" of breaking up with him, what would your husband feel about it?! Just because these men produced some children with these scumbag irresonsible morons, it does not give them any rights to still financially emotionally responsible for these women.

If you can take control of the money in your house, that is the best solution. What we do in our house is simply this, he and I have joint account, I have my own separate account, he does not have separate account at least not that I know of. I know exactly how much money he took home a month. We each have our allowances, I don't care how he spend his money.

My mother in law has gambling problems, along with other problems. My husband has been giving her money behind my back to pay off her gambling debt. One time, he paid about $5,000 because he felt "guilty". I just had it. I told him "I cannot stop you from loving your mother, but if you keep on using guilt as an excuse to bail her out, then marry an sleep with her, I will leave you two alone."
It is all it takes for him to see the light.

This kind of man just pisses me off!

What is it with these fvcking women? Why do they feel that they do not have to go get jobs like everyone else? I'm with the OP on this.....if he still wants to support her, then he should not have divorced her. This sh!t pisses me off. "For the kids" my ass!

If I found out that my DH gave his ex one damn thin dime other than what he is court ordered to do so in the form of child support, I would have a fit of epic proportions.

OMG my DH was doing the same shit with his ex wife.She used to ask him for money all the time and he'd give it to her without question. They had no kids togrether, were not seeing eachother, was still doing repairs on the house everything. She(not the BM) owned the house that his SD lived in cause SD couldnt ever get a place of her own and then of course after that he was especially kissing her ass. Once we got serious that came to a STOP. He didn't give her a penny. She would text him and he would ask me what to say. I would keep it to the kids and tell him he needs to stop giving money to her yesterday.

What a fu**head !!

hi, i have a similar issue too, my fiance seperated from his ex wife before we met, but he was still supporting his ex, and i knew that from the start, but i was ok with that cz i had a job at the time, but i had to quit my job due to his work (offshore) that requires us to have a very limited time together, one day we sat down and talk about it, so we came out with a solution, where i have to quit my job. it wasnt an easy decision at all, so after a long consideration, i finally quit my job, he did promise that he will take care of all my necessities and stuff, to shorten the story, we both got engaged and started living together, everything was fine until i found out the amount of money he has to give his ex wife each week (500 pound) which could rip him off, i was still fine as long as he is doing his duty for the house and me as well, but as the time went by he started to get stingy, tight on budget and stuff, it was weird cz i dont think he spends that much for me, i never asked him for certain amount like his wife does, and even far from the amount he gives her at all. but hey, who am i to complain, even tho deep inside me was screaming, every time i told him about it, it always went wrong, we always ended up fighting, we were meant to get married a year after the engagement,but i cant do anything about it since he never started the divorce proceedings until i forced him to do it, everything was on hold because of his ex demanded more money at the time, its ashamed that i stopped working, or else, things would have been different. at the moment he is still processing his divorce which i dont know when it will come to the end, he is been doing it for more than a year now, because he could not afford to pay the solicitor due to his ex demands. i dont know what to say, everytime i bring the subject up, he would say i am pressurizing him. for your information, he has 2 step kids from his ex, who r drown ups now, one is age 28 and the other one is 25, which i dont see the point why he should be supporting his ex, since they r grown ups and have their own family. i am a bit confused at the moment, i dont know how to deliver this to him, sometimes its just so unbearable. i dont want to cause a fight only because of that issue which im sure he knows what to do, i dont expect him to stop supporting her, but he also has to consider about his new family and his current life. i hate discussing this topic with him cz its always involving money and material stuff. i dont want him to think that i am after his money while what im trying to point out is his lack of responsibilty towards me n puts his ex wife first.

When I met my DH his children were adults, and BM was employed and remarried.

I was not okay with DH even speaking to BM much less providing money to her or their spawn. Did not work for me. And I don't do anything that doesn't work for me.

DH stopped by to visit BM when we'd first started dating, and I went batsh*t crazy on him. They'd been divorced for decades, their two sons were adults, DH had been married to his second wife for 15 years before their divorce, BM was happily remarried - no reason for them to ever speak to each other.

I did not want my DH to hate BM - but I as NOT going to be with any man who was still involved with a woman he'd had sex with. Indifference is a good thing. Boundaries are even better.

I found out that my husband was paying for her car and insurance a year after we have been together and Inwas really upset. Guys dont see what the big deal is i guess.

I also about one year in when I found out about my DH giving his ex more money than he needed to. My feelings had nothing to do with how much, how often or the fact that she was living royally. My bags were packed while he was away on business and I moved out and left him a note saying that no way in hell was I ever playing second fiddle to another woman ever!!! I don't care if she is the mother of his children, the insult these men give us is beyond disrespectful. That was seven years ago. DH had to work hard to get me back and we never again had any issues like that. I told him I expected full transparency in all our finances etc. We do keep separate accounts as well as joint ones but we both have access to view the others. Did it make me wary? For sure and a good wary. Look beyond the money and hear the Disrespect :jawdrop:

Were I you I would tell DH he stops supporting the X in anyway other than through CS of he will soon have another XW to support.

Sometimes us men need a smack in the back of the head.

Guilty dads have no limit as to how much they will spend. My husband was paying ex wife’s bills, mortgage, car, phone and giving her a $1200 grocery allowance and child support(Almost $7k/mo). She worked so she was able to support herself but a free ride is a free ride I guess. We met 2 years after his divorce and at first I didn’t want to butt in. Once I saw things between us were getting a lot more serious between us I let him know that if he was going to continue to take care of his ex wife then we weren’t going to be able to continue our relationship. He decided to stop paying for everything except CS. she turned into the ex from hell and lost her mind. Stopped paying bills, car, house, feeding, dressing and sending the kids to school. Turned out she had a habit that my husband was paying for that came to light once the money stopped. 

Put and end to the bleeding of your household finances today.  Your husband is doing it out of guilt not common sense. 

I don't think you really need to look much further than the fact he was hiding it. He's probably hiding it because he knows he shouldn't be doing it and that it would hurt you. People hide things that make them feel guilty or that they know they probably shouldn't be doing. 

While I don't believe your DH has a legal obligation to provide more than his CS obligations.. what are the costs that he is paying BM for?  I mean, is it possibly paying portions of extra curricular activities for the kids?  Paying for extra clothes etc?  Is it maybe because he feels his CS is relatively low and that there was an expectation he would pay for occasional extras?  Or.. is he doing what my DH did which was slip the EX a 20 here and there to cover gas so that she wouldn't fight him having his visitation times.  While I don't necessarily like seeing money go out of my house... obviously, I realized that the little bit he spent to mollify the EX was much cheaper than going back to court or possibly having CS raised.  So... sometimes it's hard but you have to look at the full picture.

So, maybe his CO said he would pay for portions of other things and he pays those items to BM.. or maybe he is trying to stave off a trip back to court and the little bit extra makes him certain BM will be happy and less likely to drag him through expensive mud?

I guess it's my fault for looking in his phone. I know that's terrible but we have had some trust issues in the past.  Not lately so that's why this new information really hurts.  He got a message from WU confirming that the EX has picked up the money.  Of course when I asked him about it, his answer is "I should have not looked at his phone".  This lady is 57 years old and they have been divorced for over 10 years.  Their only child 36 years old.  Sometimes he calls his dad and tells him what's going on with her.  I don't like that either.   I feel so hurt because he won't say how much or what the money is for....just I should not have looked at his phone!  He feels like he doesn't owe me an explanation and I feel like he is being more respectful to her than me.  How long has this been going on?? He won't say anything!!! 

He can pay through courts because anything extra is just throwing money out the window. He still in rearage if not paid through court system 

My husband was funding a spoiled SD, a deadbeat brother and a deadbeat friend when we married.

I attacked it this way: (to my husband, I said,) you gave away the farm when you divorced so BM wouldn't take your kid to her home country. That puts you (and us) behind on retirement savings. If you don't want to be begging others to support us when we're retired, it's time to say "no" to others so we can make sure we can support ourselves.

In your case, you might ask your husband if BM will be willing to help YOU out when you need financial assistance. The answer is most assuredly going to be "NO." Then hit him with this: we don't want to be a burden to your kids when we're old, so we need to start being "selfish" now by saving for retirement.

I think the thought of princess having to lend us money when we're old really worked on my husband. He cut off the brother, SD and the friend after that.

Look, money is a practical issue, not an emotional one (although it often becomes emotional). No money, no food. So make the argument that charity DOES begin at home and you two need to take care of yourselves. If BM can't make it at this late date, she needs a new arrangement that doesn't depend on you to make it work.

Even if I had spawned with her if my XW called asking for me to help her financially I would have a hard time not choking on my belly laughs.