Husband emotional cheating with Ex
Found out husband has been emotionally cheating on me with mother of his son. Found messages where he said "he couldn't believe how much he still loves her" and misses her. So it eas coparenting catchup plus this "other". He started it. The messages are over 6 month period. They do not communicate often (like 2 times a month) it seems so the messages are spread out. Stepson is 13, has his own phone.
They did not date as I was told, had sex, and he found out much much later she was pregnant. He had already left the country at the time. And she didn't even have his contact.
So I do not know where the I love you comes from
He maintains he doesn't love her and explains that is why he did not marry her, because he doesn't love her. Also notes that if there were feelings they would have communicated more often.
So I asked why, no good reason, first response wanted to use the child as a scapegoat, but now says he was just being "playful", can't remember term, but effectively, says this doesn't mean anything to him and he knows that it doesn't mean anything to her.
Besides this, I am worried that I am married to someone who thinks cheating is something to be considered so casually.
Right now he can see this is deep. I just wonder why he would want to pass it off as small, as if both of them understand it doesn't mean anything.
Complicating factor, i have 3 young kids, last born is 2.
I am not the type to forget stuff.
He is lying. You really think
He is lying. You really think they are only communicating twice a month if they "miss" and "love" each other? No. There are probably deleted messages. Different apps. Phone calls. Meet ups. Don't believe him. He wants to "pass it off as small" because he got caught. And if it happens again, then you're just making a big deal about it. He's gaslighting you. The problem is that the woman is BM. She isn't going away, but I would.
His actions are unfaithful.
His actions are unfaithful. If your partner is placing any kind of emotional investment, attention or anything else into another person that is taking away from Thier relationship with you.
His attitude and response to his behavior are equally concerning because he is being dishonest.
Both of those actions are violations of trust which is the most important thing in a committed relationship.
So he thinks this is harmless
So he thinks this is harmless because both he and she know it isn't serious? Hogwash! It means the world to you and he should be ashamed of treating you this way. He has betrayed your trust and your marriage vows, especially the part about "forsaking all others". How DARE he cheapen your marriage by going sniffing around his ex?! Why did he even imagine this would be OK?
I am honestly numb. Talk
I am honestly numb. Talk about cheapened? I asked him do you understand what you have just said to her - by doing this.The disrespect you have shown for your marriage?
I even feel like he is very ungrateful. Taking on the stepmom situation is tough on its own, then he goes a step further and does this? WOW.
..
He is not stupid. He knows exactly what he said and the meaning behind what it was that was said. I would recommend statements, not questions. He knows exactly what he is doing.
Been there.
Found messages where he said
Found messages where he said "he couldn't believe how much he still loves her" and misses her.
This is not something that somebody says just to be "playful". And to say it to someone that he supposedly never even dated, much less loved?
What kind of an idiot does he think you are?
The more I ask/ asked, the
The more I ask/ asked, the more confused I got with the answers.
I am also sorry if it's so clear to everyone. I have had to listen to the "why", and it doesn't make sense. What is it "gaslighting", should read up more on that. I am thinking of also reading up on narcissistic behavior.
The more I ask/ asked, the
Deleting double comment
Hmmm...perhaps Why he didn't
Hmmm...perhaps Why he didn't marry her was because she's the one who didn't want to get married. I mean, she got pregnant and didn't tell him until he had already left the country. He is the one who started the "I love you's" and it doesn't sound like she's responding. He sounds like he was, and is, a creep.
He can think all day long that how he is behaving is "fine", but that doesn't mean you have to accept that kind of treatment. Get copies of those texts for court or therapy, whichever path you decide to go down, so that his gaslighting of you is out in the open. As well as the reality of what he has said and supposedly feels.
OP
Hun, my exdh cheated on me with BM.
He ALWAYS said he had no feelings for her. Made any communication seem small. Taking BM and SD out for SD's birthday was totally fine even when I wasnt invited.
FOLLOW YOUR GUT.
Saying he still loves her says it all.
You have little ones to care for. You wont be able to if you are consumed with sadness and suspicion.
YES. Not always, but a lot of
YES. Not always, but a lot of times, I feel exes say they are "doing it for the kids" when they go out to eat, etc. Also NO conversation between a BM and DH should be about anything other the kids IMO. That's stepping over the line.
Take pics of every text between them.
Then take him for everything he is worth.
Lawyer up
Get consults with a few different top lawyers - to see what your options are and that way he cannot use them.
Get financial documents (he might also be financially taking you for a ride). You have 3 young children. Many many people stay together "for the children", but often after what is called D-Day, where the affairs are found out, the treatment of the person betrayed goes downhill. there is a website that will help you out.
https://www.chumplady.com/
I agree with the others. There is something called a "burner" phone. There is snap chat and whats app, and a host of other ways of communicating.
It could be one-sided and it probably isnt.
Im sorry you are going through this!
--
Years ago my DD31 went out on a date with a guy she met on tindr. She saw his profile in January but didn't meet him until August. They just had coffee, but she felt he would have been up for much more. She thought he was an ässhole, so she talked to him for a couple of hours, gave him a brief hug, and left without kissing him.
She looked him up on facebook and found he was engaged to his baby momma of 3 little kids.
He communicated with DD via snapchat, because of the autodelete. She sent me a screenshot of their date plans conversation and had me send it to the baby momma.
Babymomma was grateful but at first she was more focused on how long their date was and whether they hooked up. Of course, he minimized the whole thing and lied and lied. The point is, he'd had a profile on tindr for over six months, i'm sure he'd been hooking up with several people.
You can't trust a cheater. Cheaters cheat, it's what they do.
Yep. Cheaters cheat, cheaters
Yep. Cheaters cheat, cheaters lie, cheaters minimize. They're usually good at manipulating you into believing that you are the one being paranoid and overinterpreting. Been there.
I’m sad for you
This is a SMS worst nightmare. They wonder why we don't trust them.....I don't have advice, I'm just feeling sad and sorry for you
My DH had an emotional affair
My DH had an emotional affair (but not with BM). We're still together, but that's because we worked HARD for several years to repair the damage he caused. DH had to accept responsibility, end the relationship, and engage in therapy. I also went to individual counseling. Our marriage is strong now, but forever changed.
Cheating is cheating--and make no mistake that he DID cheat on you. This isn't something you just get over. He caused you pain and if his reaction is to dismiss your feelings, gaslight you, and deny his own words and actions, then there isn't a chance you will ever heal or ever trust him.
I do suggest individual therapy for you so you can learn how to face this, how to cope, how to set boundaries, how to ask for what you need. It's hard. And I'm sorry you're in this spot.
are you ssure he isn't
are you ssure he isn't DELETING texts to make it seem as if he doesn't talk often? or could he possibly even have another phone? I dated (and had kids with) a cereal cheater... not fun, and he dismisses you feelings and explains it away like it's nothing.... honestly sounds like my ex, LEAVE