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Hubby spoiling his kids, neglecting our bills

kristin517's picture

When we originally decided to move in together, he was staying with his mother due to financial struggles. At the time, I was making decent money and told him that as long as he was emotionally ready to live with me, I got us. I got us a place and have paid all the bills as well as kept food on the table, all by myself, for over a year now. His money goes mostly to child support and insurance. After that, he only has enough for gas and lunch money.

I have tried my best to refrain from asking for his help, because I did say in the beginning, that I got this. However, that was over a year ago. My income has decreased, I am now pregnant and VERY behind on bills, due to having to take time off work from morning sickness and extreme fatigue.

My issue is, about once a month, he gets a bonus. He almost always spends it on fun for the kids. Keep in mind, he pays child support as well. But recently he bought his son a $400 power wheel. Today I asked him if he could contribute anything for rent because struggling and he said that he has a $400 Christmas bonus coming in, but it's already reserved for his kids' Christmas. He will literally leave us homeless before giving up his kids' Christmas gifts.

Now before you instruct me to lose my shit and scream at him, or get rid of him, hear me out. He is a genuine narcissist, and I don't mean that as an insult. It's a psychiatric diagnosis. Surely not trying to excuse his bad behavior, but I want you to understand that he is not intentionally neglecting me. It is VERY difficult for him to see any other way but his, as right.

I'm asking for advice on how to help him see that bills should be a priority over SPOILING your kids. Bills should be a priority over everything, financially speaking. I can't do this alone anymore.

Thanks!

hereiam's picture

When you said, "I got this," did he take that to mean that you would support him forever? I would have a serious problem with this.

about once a month, he gets a bonus

And that bonus should go to you, for his portion of the bills.

advice.only2's picture

You shouldn't have to get him to see that bills are priority, as a grown man with children and another on the way he should know what his priorities are.

Since you have chosen this path you are going to need to start looking at ways to either cut back financially or figure out a way to make more money, maybe a second job. I would suggest you also look into some therapy to help you deal with this as he's not going to change, and you are going to be dealing with it for at least 18+ years.

MissTexas's picture

tree if the power is switched off? It's kind of hard to plug in the lights when that happens. 

I see so many people spoil kids rotten, spending exhorbidant amounts of money on Christmas, just to turn around and sell those very same gifts days or weeks later, for PENNIES ON THE DOLLAR,  to do what? PAY THE BILLS. It happens all the time in our area. One week someone will be buying some high dollar thing on FB Marketplace, and before the month is up they're selling it to buy pampers and formula. Priorities are the necessities, everything else is up for grabs AFTER THE BILLS ARE PAID.

Truth be known, Christmas is a Christian based holiday. Our nation has never been at such an all time low for those who profess to be Christians. It's become one huge shopping spree. Why not suggest we get back to the basics of Christmas, for instance, point out how St. Nicholas was a real person who made a vow to always give gifts in honor of his loyalty and appreciation to God? There are so many things that can be taught. I included my kids in giving to the poor, when we didn't have much to give when our kids were small. These are things that develop character, and encourage kids to think outside of themselves. We would visit nursing homes, sing Christmas carols and work the soup kitchen to show them how others are forced to live their lives, usually through no fault of their own.

If you are with a confirmed narc, this may be impossible, however, I would let him know you've been footing the bills for over a year, and while you said you would, you could not have foreseen the present situation.

fedupinwa's picture

You are kidding yourself if you think you are going to get him to change and understand bills are important.  It's time to tell him he needs to be a grown up and help with the bills or get out.  You are in for a long road, full of disappointment if you don't stand firm.  The answer really may be to leave.  Diagnosed narcissist, yikes, this is not a guy you want or need in your life.  Sorry its not the advice you want to hear.

tog redux's picture

So many questions: First off - why does he have a job that only covers CS and "insurance"? What type of insurance? Is he under-employed? Why can't he get a second job?  Is he giving BM the usual amount of CS? I'm guessing not, because generally they don't take your entire check.

But my biggest question - what are you getting out a relationship with a diagnosed narcissist? You already are paying for everything and finding out that's just fine with him, he doesn't really care about your needs.  And you are using his diagnosis to excuse that (though honestly, you pretty much put yourself in this situation by agreeing to support him).

I have no advice. I can't imagine why you'd stay with a guy like this.

Stepbystep1969's picture

Im so sorry you are going threw this. Believe me, I once thought I could change my hubby. The truth is you can only change yourself. You need to be selfish now and make it all about you and your baby. Im starting to learn you cannot swim oceans for people who wouldn't even walk over a puddle for you. :(                                                                                          

Rags's picture

Quit making excuses for this POS.   His "diagnosis" is no excuse for him continually exploiting you and for damned sure it is no excuse for you tolerting his crap.

Move out, far away, have your child, nail his ass for a pile of CS and make sure that he supports your child to the same level he does is prior relationship children. Use his "diagnosis" as a tool to minimize contact betwee your child and this toxic POS.

Take care of you. Take care of your baby.  Write this POS and his prior relationship spawn off.

Good luck.

paul_in_utah's picture

Looks like you've been on the board for a long time, with a long gap.  Could you share what happened with the previous relationship, since it might inform views on your current situation?

SuzyQ1972's picture

Honey, he's a freeloader and a user. He's taking you for a ride and you're going along. What worse is you're making excuses for him being a narc.

End the relationship, it's not gonna get any better, it'll only get worse with the new baby on the way. Diapers and formulas are expensive. Who's gonna pay you think? YOU.

I woulnd't be surprised he's got some money stashed somewhere. Did you ever look at his papers? Paycheck, CS, insurance documents?

Kick this guy to the curb and claim you CS

 

 

bananaseedo's picture

Why breed with him if you knew this though?  Not sure how far along you are but having a kid with a narcissist is a life sentence for you AND your child...I know this from personal experience.

 

notasm3's picture

You need a mental health evaluation and treatment to figure out why you are debasing yourself with this loser/user. 

Siemprematahari's picture

I hope this isn't a stupid question but.....why did you agree to remain in a relationship with a man that is diagnosed as a NARC? Why would you put yourself through that? Add to that, you are now having his child. Did you think that by "holding him down" financially he would change?

I wish you well OP and that things improve for you because this situation is only going to get worse.

Valkyrie's picture

True narcissists are not capable of true love or empathy. They simply do things so they will look good in someone's eyes. If you are choosing to stay with this situation for however long and you need help financially, you will have to say things that speak to their ego like "I can't wait to tell my friends/family how much you're doing. They will think you're so great." (gag). 

Be warned: narcissists will take and take until there is nothing left. They do not feel real guilt or remorse for their actions and yes, they will absolutely spend every last penny on their children while you suffer.

Thumper's picture

Oh myyyy.

No advise here.

GoodLuck with everything including a safe pregnancy.

 

SammieJ's picture

A relationship is about give and take... your are the giver and he is the taker, from what you are telling me and I know there is more to the story. 

Have you shown him the financials for "your" household because obviously those are your bills and he is along for the ride. I did the same thing when I got with my husband. I got you etc etc becaused I loved him and wanted to make him and us happy. There is a point where the conversation needs to change. Are you in this for the long hall? Not only you but him and if the answer is yes you need to make it happen TOGETHER. If the answer is no than you need to keep it moving. Good Luck Girl!!!!! 

nodramaallowed's picture

Diagnosed or not, he's not going to change honey.  I've had a lot of experience with these personality disordered people -- You have a very difficult decision to make. I can imagine that your resources are limited right now but please take care of yourself emotionally.