How to introduce yourself to the kids as the new partner when they already know you.
Hey Eeveryone I am new here and I just want to say I am so thankful to come across this website. The whole step children idea is new to me (my man and I are going to wait to introduce me to the kids). The issue is I already know the kiddos (and we love each other a lot.) I have looked up ways to talk to the kids about how the relationship between me and their Dad is different/changed. But most (all really) articles are talking about introducing the kids to a new person. I am not a new person. In fact I have known their father since I was 8 and he was 9, and when he moved to the area a few years ago they got to know me. I am like a fun Aunt. We are going to wait until a year after their parents have been officially separated for healing purposes for the little Loves. But I was just curious if anyone else has gone through this or had an experience similar? Or any advice for how to go about telling the kiddos we are together? We got time, but it's something I think about often. Because, well, this is going to be an adjustment for them....... Also the kids will be 12, almost 8, and 6 when we tell them. We are thinking about telling the oldest first, maybe take him out just the two of us, and then letting him help us decide how to tell his sisters. Just ideas for now.
I doubt you'll be able to
I doubt you'll be able to hide it and that they (at least the oldest) won't figure it out. Unless you plan on not seeing the kids at all over the next year, it won't be hard for them to see you and Dad being sweet to one another. Likely, the oldest will say "duh, you didn't hide it well".
That said, you are the cause of the divorce, or if they see you as coming in too soon after, that will cause resentment. I'd be less concerned about how you'll tell them the news and more concerned about having the timeline straight when they do the math and realize that you and Dad started dating *way* early into the separation (or before it).
I'm confused. When did you
I'm confused. When did you start dating after they seperated? Right after? Did he leave his ex for you? How long have them been seperated? And how long have you been dating?
I have more questions than answers right now. I'm sorry.
Um why is there dad dating so
Um why is there dad dating so early?? They haven't even been separated a year and you're the "best friend"? *scratch_one-s_head*
Dad can date whenever he
Dad can date whenever he wants and whoever he wants. It sounds like OP has been the best friend for a while, even pre-divorce, so the kids know her anyway. Divorce or not, OP would still be in the kids' lives.
It's a good idea to not introduce OP as the GF until 1) the divorce is finalized, 2) OP's BF has a chance to learn how to be a single parent, 3) they determine if they are good as a couple or better off as friends, and 4) there is time for the kids to adjust to their new normal.
I agree! I don’t get why
I agree! I don’t get why people think there has to be some certain time frame to date. It doesn’t matter if it’s 3 months or 3 years later....if there is going to be drama it will be there no matter what
my dh could have waited years but it wouldn’t have mattered. His ex even put in the divorce that until the kids are 18 nobody of the opposite sex could spend the night if the kids were there haha that’s laughable! So he was supposed to go for 9 years without out having a girlfriend sleep over? What????
I don't think you really have
I don't think you really have to formally tell them. They are old enough to see what is going on. But I agree with what was mentioned above - if you were the cause of the parents separation, prepare for a lot of resentment from the kids. I can't tell from your post how long you have been dating but it sounds like their separation was very recent.
You’re getting way ahead of yourself...
I’m not sure how far off you are from the one-year mark of the dissolution of their marriage, but I wouldn’t worry about how to tell the kids at this point. Take things one step at a time in your relationship with this guy. I’ve been the first serious relationship following a divorce twice. In both instances there was a nice amount of time between the dissolution of the marriage and our relationship and only one of the relationships involved a child and I will tell you this: it is very difficult to be the first GF after a divorce. I would not do it again. People often don’t realize how damaged they are from divorce until they really start trying to build a life with a new person. So let this thing play out a bit and worry about the kids after you’ve had more time to figure out the relationship itself.
I speak from experience. Kids
I speak from experience. Kids will be fine it’s BMs reaction you have to worry about. She will be the one to cause problems or cause the kids to act a certain way if she is angry about it. If BM is okay with then you probably have a fighting chance but I highly doubt it will work out like that.
so buckle up!!!!
Yep. How BM goes, so go the
Yep. How BM goes, so go the kids.
I dont think
Any woman can expect the wife of her affair partner to welcome her with open arms. And if the person really cared about the kids, she would not be a party to breaking up a marriage. Yep, it will likley get ugly.
Uggh, lots of issues
The mother may have accepted you being friends with her kids when you were a fun aunt, but once the real relationship is known, she may go for the jugular. monetarily and with respect to her kids. I assume you have thought about how mow child support he will pay. He may feel guilty and want to pay more than mandated amounts. Oregon is a state that does allow Child Support to be continued while child in college, up to age 20.
It is disengenous to call yourselves just friends, when you are planning on a more serious relationship. Even a 12YO can and will figure that out. It takes kids a while to process divorce.
Right....
You don't date your friends. This is a bad situation however you look at it. You pretended to be a friend to the family while he was married which means you were also her friend. Also, getting to know the kids...I assume you were the big problem hoping he'd leave his wife. If you were smart you'd run fast. This isn't a guy who did right by his family, and you should be ashamed.
Huh? Sounds like she has been
Huh? Sounds like she has been friends with him since they were kids. They may very well have always just been friends, and at the end of his relationship realized they were good together. I'm missing how and when and why she should be ashamed??? Or how he isn't/didn't do right by his family???
I dont think he ended the relationship
Before Op and the guy started their relationship. Just knowing someone since you were kids does not give you license to have an affair. Maybe she will clarify, but I am not buying this we are just friends. If she has respresented herself as a friend to the mom, I predict this will get ugly.
She already said she wasn't
She already said she wasn't the mistress.
Then it makes no sense
She is planning to marry the guy, based on freindship? Maybe she could come back and give us the timeline.
What a mess.
Exactly. She pretended to be a friend of the FAMILY. With that alone she has no business dating him. I didn't go back, but is he even divorced? If he was a decent dad he wouldn't have allowed that to develop. Both parents have a duty to put the kids first. Don't date for a year, and don't allow bf/gfs around your kids until its very serious.
Don't over complicate it. I
Don't over complicate it. I have always struggled with prior relationship breeders having some huge issue with living their lives to the point that they keep a bunch of secrets from their kids.
"Kids, YFC and I are dating. I am her boyfriend. She is my girlfriend." End of playing secret squirrel. This way the two of you can move forward on being equity life partners, making a life together and being equity parents to any children in your relationship.
If for some reason things change and you do not stay together, then you move on and everyone adjusts.
Don't over complicate the situation. Just be direct and tell the kids.
My bride and I never told the Skid we were together. We were just together and the three of us were the three musketeers. Granted, he was 15mos old when we met and we married the week before he turned 2yo. Though my Skid was very young when we became a blended family, I still am a proponant of the direct approach. Regardless of the age of the Skids.
The "fun" aunt who is now
The "fun" aunt who is now sleeping with daddy. Yep, that'll go over well.