How to force yourself to love your Step child
I don't even know where to start. I guess I could start with how I feel about myself, my situation, towards my 10 year old step child. I feel evil, disgusting, resentful, hopeless, undeserving. I feel as if I should be grateful as everyone is in good health and there aren't any real financial burdens. When I was 18 I met my spouse. We dated but broke up after about 1.5 years because our paths were headed in two very different directions. About 2 years later he reached out to me. I still loved him. We ended up getting back together but this time he was divorced and had a young daughter. Regardless, we worked things out and got back together and eventually had two children together. Stepdaughter has never known her mom and dad to be together. As far as she knows I have always been with her dad. I met her when she was 2. She lived with her grandparents and mom for the first 4 years and came to us full time mid-kindergarten. Presently, she has been with us since then, mom still has primary custody and has been receiving child support from my husband for the entire time. Whatever though, he's got his daughter and I feel that is the most important thing. He's a good father and he deserves to have his child. Mom doesn't really care in the sense that normal mothers do/should. I have always struggled with SD, just as everyone does with her. She is highly intelligent and manipulative for her age and expects constant attention. I would think that because I have known her since she was 2 that I would overcome this dislike of her and I have grown to care for her but I don't like being around her or doing things with her. I love that the pandemic is over and I can drop her off at school and not have to deal with her until 430. I dread picking her up. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS? I loath weekends because she's home all day and there's no school. Sometimes I can forget and we can just be, but it always bubbles up into more. I get angry at the things she does and her behavior and though I don't physically/verbally abuse her, my actions are not necessarily acceptable when dealing with a 10 year old child. BUT I CANT HELP IT! I become this irritated angry person with her around. I don't want to be that person. I can fake niceness/customer service with anyone and everyone but not when it comes to dealing with her. Why do I become so angry and powerless when she's around. She's 10 I'm 32(almost). I should be mature enough and strong enough to deal with a child, especially since I am a mother now. How do I at least pretend to like her to keep my husband and I happy. He stuck up for her tonight, and rightly so, and it led to him getting very angry with me for not handling the situation correctly. I feel so helpless, and it creates an ugliness inside me. I want to be good and loving but I just can't. Any words of advice would greatly be appreciated. I could go on all night but I'm going to stop myself here. Thanks for reading!
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Can you tell us a bit more
Can you tell us a bit more about how your DH handles her manipulation as you call it. And how he balances caring for her vs the rest of the family? Most of us on this site that claim to dislike/hate or resent our step children really have problems with our spouses. When you feel like no matter what your SD or BM throws at you, your DH is there to back you up 100% - it doesn't matter how crazy they get, you can find an inner peace that comes from knowing your DH fully supports you. Are you taking out your frustrations on SD when they should be directed at DH?
Thank you for replying! My
Thank you for replying! My husband and I have a great relationship until it comes to me handling her behavior, which is huge and eventually leads to a fight. He has the unconditional love for her as her biological father. I get frustrated with my own kids when they don't always behave but with the step daughter I have absolutely no patience with her. My husband allows me to discipline her as fit and typically takes my side. But I must admit, I am wrong sometimes and when I am he steps in. He handles her manipulation, lying, and behavior with all our children with a saintly patience I could never achieve. Of course he gets frustrated at times but takes the time to explain things to them when they do something wrong and rarely lets his anger and frustration out in the presence of the children. My thing with him is he doesn't know what it's like to be a step parent who constantly deals with a child that wants but o be the center of attention and will do whatever to get it. SD wears people down with the excessive talking but they have the option to leave when it gets to much.
Perhaps it'll take the
Perhaps it'll take the pressure off you if you leave the discipline to him for a while. You'll probably develop more patience for her when she's no longer your problem child to parent. Think of her as your friend's kid and not your stepdaughter. Somehow your DH needs to balance meeting your needs as a spouse and SD's needs as his dependant child. I'm guessing your short fuse at SD stems from the fact that you think she acts up for attention and gets away with it too often. And she acts up because she needs the attention.
But to answer your question of how to force yourself to love your stepchild? Don't.
Welcome to the site!
One cannot "force yourself to love" your stepchild. Usually there are good reasons why they are not very loveable - usually that their bio parent/s have indulged them, provided too much buddyness and insufficient structure and firmness, and the child has developed an unpleasant personality as a direct result. If this is the case you need to address your DH's parenting tactics.
Why do you feel powerless when she's around? Does your DH try to prevent you from disciplining her? Or side with her against you all the time? When you say your "actions are not acceptable" - which actions?
It's ok not to love
It's ok not to really love you SD. After all there's a history that you didn't have with her. I know some people love their steps and I think that's great. I however care about mine but I cannot say that I love her. I believe w/ a bio it's very different. I have resentment against the BM for basically dumping the kid and doing nothing for her. I do disengage and try not to get to involved... I get it.. the craziness turns you into someone you don't like. I have been there believe me. But let the guilt go.... it's the parent's job to "love" her. And don't buy into anyone that says "you knew what you were getting into" um no you didn't we don't know when we have our own children what we are getting into. It's a hard gig. If I had to do it again I would have ran.
Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself
First, I want to start by saying that I'm so sorry that you are in this position. Some children are just difficult to love. Don't be so hard on yourself- it sounds like you are working hard and doing your best. That's all anyone can expect from you. I can relate to your struggle as my SS is very difficult to love even his father struggles with liking him. I feel super guilty because my SS's mom passed away a few years ago so I'm forced to fill in that roll. I want to love him with a mother's love but his behavior pushes everyone away. He screams, hits the wall, throws things, tries to wear me down anytime I put boundaries in place and just all around ales my life hell. He feels bad after doing those things but his form of ADHD mixed with his childhood experience makes it impossible for him to relate to others in a normal way. My stepson is 13 and behaves this way. I never allowed my birth children to do any of those things and it is exhausting to deal with him.
Who told you that you had to
Who told you that you had to LOVE your husbands child.
You should be kind, show compassion. Chances are high you careeeee about his child.
LOVE my dear is not a feeling. It is an action. People think LOVE it is a feeling, it is not.
Please do not be so hard of yourself, OK?
IF your husband or his parents OR anyone else gives you pressure to LOVE another persons child...ask them if they love their neighbors kids UP or down the street. IF they stutter and say WELL thats different. The answer is no it is not.
Always be kind OP...if you cant muster that up then you may need to rethink the marriage. You deserve to live your life as abundantly and happy as possible.
I have a short fuse and a
I have a short fuse and a temper particularly when it comes to my SD12. At times it is worse than others. I think that some of it is related to depression (anger can be a symptom of depression) and some of it is related to ADHD symptoms. Some of it is just that we clash in personality in some ways and she is a tween who is stretching her independence. I too feel bad as I should be able to be calmer and deal with these situations better.
Getting help for the deprerssion and ADHD, making sure I am taking my meds, exercising, sleeping enough and doing the basic things can help. I have been doubling down on these in the past week or so because I got to a really bad place. Exercise is like magic it helps me tremendously when I remember to prioritize it.
I have also stepped back from trying to help/monitor homework and commenting on how much/which foods my sd is eating (she has a large appetite and is overweight). It is tricky for me to adjust and I am not perfect but it reduces conflicts. It does mean my husband is having to step up more and I have to accept that his ways of doing things are different to mine. I have to trust that although things might not work out how I would like them to, that it will probably be more or less ok.
I know I have not addressed the love portion of this, but if the anger/irritation can be reduced then at least life will feel more pleasant and you won't feel extra stress of kicking yourself that you are not acting as you feel you should. Love, as others have pointed out is a nice extra, not a necessary component and certainly cannot be forced.
The fact that you feel enough empathy to want to reach out to try to change your behavior shows that you are not a horrible person but someone who is trying thier best. That is all that anyone can ask.
I feel i can relate to this
I feel i can relate to this sooooo much its scary! I dont have my own child just my SS. From the begining I was lucky husband told SS from the start if i say he has to do something then he does it as I am also the parent. When we got our house SS had to be reminded it wasnt his dad house it was OUR house i am lucky to have the support. And it is difficult but I found stepping back from discipline and letting my husband deal with the bad he statred to understand my fustrations. I remember a time if i got a call saying SS had accident at school I would leave work to go to the hospital with him but now I couldnt care at all I dread weekends and although i dislike my job i would rather be there. I would advise talk to your husband about your feelings. I know i have tried my best and it sounds like you have but I dont think u can love a person who doesnt love you and thats what I know my stepson feels. Its not always about been a grown up its about been human! Dont worry soon they are old enough to move out and you hopefully only have to worry about seeing them a few times a day (i hope its a dream i have anyway)