You are here

How do you create a good relationship and boundaries with bio mom?

mystfan1's picture

Submitted by mystfan1 on Thu, 07/03/2014 - 9:35am

Forums: 
General Discussion

I am a step mom and soon to be bio mom, too. Over the past year, the relationship between myself and bio mom (and Dad) has been quite strained, but we have made great strides and things are getting amicable, even friendly. Bio mom has really made an effort to reach out to me and be friends. I think this is a great thing for our family and hope that the friendliness and supportiveness continues. However, I also want to make sure that I have appropriate boundaries with the bio mom. I don't feel comfortable talking with her about my relationship with Dad, what we are doing, or personal things like that. I think those two spheres should be kept separate.

Does anyone have advice about how to be friendly and maintain a friendly relationship with bio mom but also setting boundaries without coming across as rude or standoffish? Sometimes I just ignore her text messages if they don't ask me a direct question or ask about something I don't want to talk about. Dad also mostly ignores her texts unless they involve the child, and doesn't tell her any personal information about us.

I just want to create and maintain peace and harmony without being too friendly with bio mom. Thanks!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 07/03/2014 - 10:07am

DO NOT under any circumstances tell her anything personal about your and DH's relationship. That is none of her business. I once had the new girlfriend of a previous SO constantly try to hound me for info - crazy things like "did SO ever shave your legs for you", etc. She was trying to 'one up' me that he was a better SO to her than me. I wouldn't play and she eventually gave up.

I treat BM as I would a co-worker: polite with a lightly friendly manner, but NO intimate details. My interaction with BM is very infrequent and solely about the skids as I consider that to be my DH's and her thing to deal with. My DH refuses to respond to any of her texts that are not about the skids. He will also not respond to texts about skids that are an attempt to 'bait' him into calling her.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Thu, 07/03/2014 - 10:26am

I see you are a new member of ST - you will see if you read many posts on here that most of us have problems with the BMs in our lives. In my experience and in the experience of many ladies here, it is not possible to have a friendly relationship with the BM. I can think of exceptions where people have made it work, but they are few and these are mainly where the BM has no animosity towards the SM to start with. If this is the happy case for you, then I wish you well, but it may not last. I think the most one should aim for is civility, definitely not friendship.

Cozy's picture

Submitted by Cozy on Thu, 07/03/2014 - 11:02am

Just a word of caution - plenty of people(not just BMs) will play nicey-nice to ingratiate themselves into the lives of others. Our BM would pull this shit every once in awhile, and when DH told her to limit all conversation to skid and only skid - of course she showed her true colors and went back to being a psychopath.

In my experience, when it comes to BMs - the more distance, the better.

JingerVZ's picture

Submitted by JingerVZ on Thu, 07/03/2014 - 12:00pm

Be cordial - if that's what you want- for the sake of the best interest of the child. Otherwise you have no reason to discuss anything with BM other than the child.
Don't attempt to be friends- it normally blows up in your face and don't tell BM any details that relate to your life. Nothing. nada- its a fishing expedition.

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Thu, 07/03/2014 - 12:22pm

If she is psycho, there IS no way of developing a relationship. Sounds like you might be in the clear.

I would say that the best way of knowing your boundaries and what will or won't piss her off would be to ask her. Some BMs have an issue with the SM doing certain things and some won't. Some of the more psycho ones have an issue with ANYTHING that the SM would do..but then bitch that the SM hates her kids if she doesn't do anything with them!

Do not discuss your DH with her whatsoever. No matter what the temptation. She is definitely not a friend if she is in the position to make your life miserable. She might want to save up info for when she doesn't get her way.