How do I stop BM from spending our money???
I'm new here, so if there is a better forum for my question, please direct me to it. Thanks! I have been married for four years. My DH has two kids and I have 3 kids (none together). All 5 kids are pretty active and involved in school sports, music, etc. Part of my problem is that BM spends first and demands later. She will decide to pay for something (like a band trip to Europe) and then tell my DH he has to cough up half. If he doesn't, she tells the kids he doesn't care about them! He pays his CS and all of the things he is court ordered to pay half of, AND half of a lot of things he isn't even court ordered to pay! We just aren't made of money and cannot continue to pay for things like this. Recently, BM took SS to buy new glasses and she let him get a pair that cost $360 OOP. Nothing was discussed with DH prior to the purchase and now she expects him to pay half. SS has already lost two pairs of glasses and we do not feel he needs to have an expensive designer brand when he can't even keep up with the ones he has had in the past! Side note, I carry the skids on my health insurance (even though BM is court ordered to AND a portion of her CS pays her back for premiums... which SHE DOESN'T PAY) and we have never altered CS or asked her for half of the premium... Also, BM keeps putting me down as the "responsible party" on the skids medical stuff so the bills are coming to me. How is this ok when I have no legal rights to the skids? I could go on and on, but the big question is, how do I put a stop to it without making DH feel I don't care about his kids?
i'm kind of in a sucky
i'm kind of in a sucky situation like that myself. except it is my exh who is spending the money, and then "billing" me. I cannot afford this stuff. honestly, i don't mind helping to pay for my responsiblities (the kids) that's not the point. i didn't agree to a $400 camp, you didn't discuss it with me, so why are you trying to make me pay you $200?!?!?!
Well, here is where i get screwed. Let's say i don't pay, well exh has NO PROBLEM tellin the kids that it is MY fault they couldn't do something, or why they couldn't get something, etc....
i re read my divorce papers. it states we are responsible for the kids on our weeks. SO if camp is on his week, it is HIS financial responsiblity. Which means, he can't take me to court for money. (i guess technically he could take me to court, but it won't do no good)
so, what i have done to keep in his good graces, is pay him $20, $10 here and there.
If she is required to carry
If she is required to carry the insurance and doesn't, most times, she is liable for 100% of the unreimbursed expenses. So get them off your insurance or take her to court. Otherwise, I am assuming it costs you nothing to put them on your insurance, thus the reason you have them there, then there's not much you can do.
Now, if she is required to have them on insurance and doesn't pay it and yet demands that you pay 1/2 of glasses or other medical needs, then don't pay a dime and take her back to court. You should NOT be liable for 50% of something if she is not paying insurance. But honestly, again, the problem is that you put them on your insurance. Check your DHs divorce papers. It should state something to the effect of "such and such should pay insurance, blah, blah, blah...each party is responsible for X of unreimbursed costs...blah, blah, blah...and the person required to carry insurance is liable for X amount if they do not carry insurance".
Wether she makes your DH feel guilty or not, there is nothing you can do. It is YOUR HUSBAND who is paying for things he shouldn't. So you need to have a talk with your husband, not BM.
99.9% of the time the problems with BMs are not the BMs ONLY, but OUR HUSBANDS and the fact that they could care less how it affects the rest of the family as well as he does whatever his kids/BM wants...that is HIS problem and that is an issue you need to resolve.
I feel your pain. As far as
I feel your pain. As far as covering them under your medical coverage - as the stepparent, you are under NO obligation whatsoever to do that. Even if your DH was the one ordered to provide insurance or the kids were about to put on state medical assistance, no one can force or even ask you (in the courts) to provide insurance for them. I just went through a looooong battle with BM on this very issue and thats what child support services and the courts told me. So basically, you are in the driver's seat as far as that goes. What I would do is type up a formal agreement stating that you will pay the premiums and deductible (if that makes sense for you) and she'll pay all standard co pays and prescription costs. Put anything you can think of in there to cover yourself. Amount of time she has to pay you back,that you aren't required to pay extra if she uses an out of coverage doctor, that each party pays fifty percent of emergencies, that you don't pay anything non-emergency without discussion/agreement beforehand. Be sure to also put in there that the coverage is provided as long as you choose to provide it.
Your husband will need to sign it and get BM to sign it. If she doesn't, pull the coverage. YOU are not responsible here and the last thing you want to have happen is for one of the kids to need surgery and you get stuck with a huge hospital bill.
My DH and I have totally separate property and bank accounts because we both have kids. That may change once his CS obligations are up, but not until then. Might be something to consider so you don't get roped into paying for his kids and BM's decisions.
"My DH and I have totally
"My DH and I have totally separate property and bank accounts because we both have kids. That may change once his CS obligations are up, but not until then. Might be something to consider so you don't get roped into paying for his kids and BM's decisions."
My H and I also keep separate finances. We have one joint checking and savings account. Then I have my own checking and savings account. We use MY checking and savings accounts as our savings account. Since his name isn't on those accounts, BM can't touch them. Thus, we could win the lottery and put all of that money in MY account, in MY name, and she wouldn't get a dime. Personally, I don't really "like" having my own account. However, it keeps more of our money from falling into BM's hands? Well, like you, until his CS obligation ends, having separate bank accounts is a survival mechanism.
Just FYI: Before the haters jump in: My H is current on his support. So it's not like we are dodging his responsibilities. Rather, when CS comes up for recalculation, the court takes all savings accounts, etc. into consideration to determine support amount. If my H and I, through our own hard work and due diligence, manage to squirrel away a nice nest egg -- why the hell should we have to give some of that to BM? Shit, she already gets $1k per month. Over my dead body am I going to let her get her no-working, lazy ass, welfare sponging hands on MY savings.
Thank you for your help so
Thank you for your help so far. I looked at the papers and it states that BM is supposed to carry health insurance but that if it is not available to her (which she says her job does not offer ins for the kids, only for her) then my DH is supposed to. It states that if he has to carry the ins than that portion of his CS is to stop. They have been on my ins because financially, it made more sense than to use my DH's. We have never changes the amount he is paying her for CS and they have been on my ins since 1-1-09. When it comes to paying his half of things, I don't usually mind, but with the glasses, they cost so much because BM added so many extra's to them (scratch free lenses etc). And then what about her putting me down as the responsible party? Sounds like we need to go to court... ugh. I hate that... I also like the idea of drafting an agreement. If she refuses to sign, THEN we go to court... thanks!
Be sure to file it with the
Be sure to file it with the courts after she signs. And don't pay her that extra amount of CS for the health insurance anymore. Let her know by email today that the parent who takes the child to the doctor should be listed as the responsible party from here on out. If she argues - tell her that it isn't up for negotiation if she wants the kids covered by you.
I think she is lying - I've never heard of a company provided insurance plan that doesn't allow you to enroll your dependants. Let her know that you'll be asking the courts to contact her company/insurance provider to confirm this if she gives you more trouble.
They're getting more common
They're getting more common since the economy tanked, unfortunately.
How old are the skids? BM
How old are the skids?
BM over here used to pull the SAME crap!! Left and right. AND would tell the skids the same crap.
They were 10 (twins) when we finally got sick of being jerked around.
I'll tell you what I did, take what you want leave what you don't:
1. My H and I created a budget. This allowed him to see, with his own eyes, that we simply CANNOT afford to be an ATM for BM. Sure, it's really nice that his kids get to be involved in all sorts of activities, etc. But it can't come at the expense at being able to make our mortgage payment or to buy food.
2. I "helped" H understand exactly how far $1k per month in CS is supposed to go considering what BM's household bills are. According to my calculations, she should have approx. $400 per month remaining. That's a lot of freaking money!! She is NOT buying $400 per month in clothes, meds, or school supplies for either of the skids. So she should have PLENTY left over to count as H's 50% of whatever activity she signs them up for. Also, neither of them are in an activity that costs $400 per month. Soccer camp is usually $150 PER CAMP ($75 per parent)! And there's one camp? So where's the other $325...? You know?
3. BM doesn't work. Going back to #3 - which means that she uses that CS to not just take care of the skids, but also herself AND her other children. IF she weren't, she should have PLENTY left over each month to take care of ALL of the skids needs and wants. Thus, when she sticks her hand out asking for 50% of this or that -- she is really asking for HER 50%. Why the hell should we pay 100% for everything, on top of $1k per month in CS, simply because she doesn't want to get a job??
4. Going back to #4 -- which caused H to have to tell her "no" a few times and to make it clear to her that she was going to have to talk to him FIRST before making a unilateral decision and thinking he was going to be able to give her more money. She hated it and was P-I-S-S-E-D. But who cares if she's pissed?
5. When she started her PAS'ing crap of telling the kids that their dad is a deadbeat who doesn't pay his CS and doesn't love them enough to pay for them to do x, y, and z. Well, we showed them a report from the state proving just how much money their mother DOES get from him and reinforced to them that their father loves them very much and taking care of them is his first priority, but that they aren't the only people in the family that he has to take care of. They get their fair share (and beyond). Beyond taking care of them, the rest of us still need to be able to survive. They got it.
6. Going back to #5 -- since the skids understood, they started telling BM off when she would say that crap to them. SD got so mad at her that she threw her dinner at her mother and screamed, "MY DAD LOVES ME AND HE TAKES CARE OF ME! YOU ARE LYING AND I KNOW YOU ARE LYING! I SAW PROOF!"
7. BM no longer asks for more money and she can no longer PAS the kids over it.
^^^^^^THIS!! I completely
^^^^^^THIS!! I completely agree with you! I did the exact same thing with my DH. Showed him the budget and then we sat the skids down they are 10 and 12 and explained how we are not made of money!! Explained that we give so much in CS every month to take care of them! So that when BM says "Well, your dad won't pay for this or that!" The have an understanding that their mom is getting money to take care of them. But she has 2 other kids that I'm sure we are supporting! The skids completely understand how much money we have to work with and that they can't have everything.
BM is going to get a wake up call this year when the skids go back from their summer visit with us. I know she is going to lay on the PASing that DH wouldn't pay for a sport activity that cost $1200+ per kid!! We explained to them this summer why we can't afford it and showed them other sports in their area that they can partcipate in that we can afford to pay for!
I don't know who these BM's
I don't know who these BM's think they are and who they really think they are helping/hurting.
Yeah it's great for kids to be in activities, etc. BUT I think that it is equally important for them to learn that money really does not grow on trees. You know?
SD is 15 and SS is 12. BM
SD is 15 and SS is 12. BM works and makes over $30,000/year PLUS DH pays $700/month in CS and she is also re-married and her husband works too, so paying their bills is not a proble./ I keep telling DH that this is what his CS is for. I use my CS to pay for my kids stuff and I never ask my ex for extra. If I want to do something extra that I can't afford, I discuss it with ex first and we come to an agreement before promises are made or money is spent.
Yeah, she's got plenty to go
Yeah, she's got plenty to go around. Cut her off at the tap. Done.
My H was really uncomfortable with telling BM "no," because she is a wretched person when she isn't getting what she wants. But I was there to support him and to help get him through the ensuing shit storm.
Now, BM does NOT ask for extra money and she no longer PAS's the kids about it.
Duuuuude. $3k?
Duuuuude. $3k? :sick:
I just love how the primary
I just love how the primary parent puts the non custodial parent down as primary when it comes to medial bills but when it comes to everything else they remind the custodial parent that they are the primary parent not them.... The BM of our skid does this we get medical bills in the mail and we carry the insurance plus we pay extra CS each month which is to cover out of pocket medical cost. the bills are not big just usually a co pay but its not the point we already pay the insurance plus give her the money to cover the co pay on top of CS. so now we just call the biller and tell them where the child primary residence is and tell them to up date the records and bill the BM. its a pain in the butt but its the principal of the matter, she wants all the perks of being primary parent but none of the responsiblity
LOL! Yep - our BM will say
LOL! Yep - our BM will say that she doesn't want to be "beholden" to me, that I better stop "f'ing" with her kids, and that DH better divorce me if he wants to see them again, but had an absolute shit fit and filed contempt charges (dropped by the courts) when I finally got fed up with her nastiness and threats not to pay what she agreed to and dropped the skids insurance.
I don't think she can legally
I don't think she can legally put you down as a responsible party...they are on your insurance but anything after that is on the person that takes them to the Dr. She cannot name a third party as responsible, that is ridiculous and I am surprised the Dr. office allows it.
She shouldn't, but she can
She shouldn't, but she can because its your policy so the doctor's office assumes that you are a responsible party and when it comes down to it you are. Any services or charges made to your policy will ultimately come back to you if she doesn't pay it. Even the agreement that I mentioned only protects you in that you have a leg to stand on in court if she doesn't pay, but while you are going through court and if she doesn't have money, you have to pay the bills in the meantime to keep the doctor's from hitting your credit. Be very careful with insuring the skids. Even paying a bit more to have them on one of their PARENTS policies and, best case scenario, BM's policy is worth it.
My husband's office is run
My husband's office is run differently. Whoever signs the documents is the responsible party if something goes wrong. There is a responsible party section and insurer section that have different disclaimers.