How do I overcome my emotions? I feel resentment towards my situation. I hate being a step parent now.
At the very beginning of my marriage, I developed a trusting relationship with my step daughter. At the time, she was 6 years old. She is overall a great kid, I have to say that I do love her, care about her, and want the best for her. But when my own kid came, I realized that my "love" towards my step daughter is nothing compare to my love towards my own kid. I cannot find the right word to describe my feelings.
Well, step daughter is now 7 and half years old. She has more and more problems, I become more and more annoyed by my situation. My problems are the following,
A. When I look at her, I cannot help thinking about her annoying bitchy mother who brings nothing but troubles in our lives.
B. When I look at her, I sometimes thought about my husband and her ugly mother making love. I know I shouldn't think this way, but I do. It is not a pleasant thought, and it drives me crazy.
C. Every single time my mother in law gave me griefs, the resentment in my heart just built up. I am so afraid one day I am going to take it all out on my husband and my step daughter, I know neither of them deserve it.
D. My husband is supportive and loving. But when he interracts with his daughter, I feel his daughter takes away all his attention.
E. His daughter is here every other week, so we have her two weeks out of the full month. I always thought that I only have my husband for half month too. This resentment has not gone away, but rebuilt up more to a point where I cannot stand my step daughter.
How do I overcome these emotions. I am in counseling, but it doesn't help much. I thought I will get used to being a step mom, but I honestly feel my problem and my issues getting bigger and bigger. It does not go away.
It doesnt go away...you are
It doesnt go away...you are right...it took me finding the right therapist after about 4 or 5 bad ones and my husband also went with me most of the time and I told him all of my irrational thoughts. It did get worse after I had my own son. My therapist taught to believe that my feelings and thoughts werent irrational and the support from my loving husband really made a huge difference, even when i told him about all of my thoughts. The skids are good kids...but i can take them or leave them...I also would and still do get into a depression when i know they are coming for their weekend visit. When DH does play with them or take his attention away Its almost like I will come up with something for him to take his attention away from them,...usually its a fight and then i leave and I know it eats him alive and he cant thoroughly enjoy their visit. Honestly, just being true to yourself and him and finding the right counselor is going to help ease you. She really gave some great ideas and made him realize that it is very hard on me and to see it from my side...
Thank you both for replying
Thank you both for replying my post. It is good to know that I am not the only one dealing with these roller coaters of emotions.
I too am known as the perfect stepmom, even my step daughter tells me that she loves me. I like the kid, I have to admit it, but I still resent the situation. It is not HER, it is the situation.
My mother in law keeps on telling me, "You knew what you got yourself into before you married my son." I felt like saying, "bitch, it does not mean everybody can walk all over me. I am not a doormat." BM will be in our life forever, this thought honestly makes me so depressed.
My husband is a great guy and I love him dearly, but sometimes, he has no ideas how to balance all these people in our lives either. For example, He always puts bm in her place, but she sometimes leave her daughter at our doorstep and took off to date whoever she wants to date. when she and my dh divorced, she got half of what he has and she doesn't have to work at all whatsoever. DH and I have to work our tail off in order to maintain our current life style. I found out bm recently bought a brand new car and remodeled her house. She is now living with a man five years younger than her. I feel my husband and I have to work hard in order to support her life style. Still, step daughter asks us for money. I am sick and tired of it.
Like jif, my resentment kept
Like jif, my resentment kept building until I finally told my dh (before he was my dh!) and explained how his kids are not mine and I don't like them and never will, all I can maybe do is tolerate them until they move out. Luckily ss15 was 11 when i met dh and ss19 was 15 so at least they were older and now they almost 16 and 19 so yay, I'm on the "home stretch"!! But it was the telling dh my feelings and being honest about it that helped. I also totally cannot stand how bm just abandoned her boys and I am raising them for her. She is an alcoholic and a selfish B*tch. I hate her and if I ever come face to face with her I will knock her down.
Also at first my ex had custody of my kids and I always thought it'd get easier once I had them full time, so I fought for custody and won, and now my boys are with me full time and I love it, but now we are like two families under one roof. Lots of people say it's like the Brady Bunch but it's not like that at all. I don't parent my ssons and do as little for them as possible. Dh does little for my boys. We are raising our own kids under one roof.
So in conclusion, talking to your dh about it and asking him to just do as much as possible to make things endurable with your skid will help.
Sorry I don't have much more advise but I am so there with you
It is great that your
It is great that your husbands understand, support and are there for you when you need them and go to counseling with you. This makes a huge difference. I was engaged and before I married I tried to have a conversation about the feelings that you share about. He stonewalled me , it escalated and the marriage never happened. He refused to change or do anything to try : like counseling or seek help. Now a year later he wants to be friends. I guess he had few dates that did not go well and BMs really dried up his bank account.
There are many things that
There are many things that you cannot change. But there is NO REASON at all that you have to put up with grief from your MIL. She has absolutely no right to criticize your parenting of this child or your own. She needs to STFU.
You are right that you should not take out anger at MIL on your DH of SD. Take it out on her. I am probably older than your MIL (late 60s) and as a generational representative will give you permission to put her in her place.
Now I do not mean get mad and scream at her. But calmly tell her when her actions are not acceptable. And put some teeth into it. Do not allow her access to any of the grandchildren if she cannot act right.
Try to avoid BM as much as possible. That goes for your DH too. A friend of mine has his daughter 50/50 and they do the switch at school and very seldom see or speak to each other. BM needs to be pretty invisible in your life.
And I do know what you mean about hating that he had sex with BM to create the child. Hell I've had that thought and SS is close to 30. I even one time told DH that every time I looked at his son I had proof that he could not keep his hands off of her. I do not allow him to go to her home ever. SS was conceived from a stupid afternoon visitation with her when their older son was 10. (I did not know him then and he was not married).
Being a step is by far the
Being a step is by far the worst type of personal relationship you could ever imagine. Truly, the only thing that helps is knowing other people feel the same way because nothing can ease the pain & torture. I wish so bad that I was the only person DH was ever married to and only had kids with only one person.
It's not that I wish I had a different husband. It's not that I would rather be married to my ex. But, my ex and I were each other's only spouse and we had no baggage like this. My current DH is THE person I want to be with. But, I can't help but think it would be better to be with a "one and only" even if you aren't in love with him, than to be in love with a person who brings such pain because of a constant reminder of his other relationships.
I want to take the moment and
I want to take the moment and thank everybody again for responding. It is good to know that I am not alone in my feelings.
I can relate to and identify myself with every and each of you. I love my husband and he loves me too. I am not frustrated by him, I am not even mad at my step daughter come to think of it. The kid is good. I am mad at the situation.
She is a constant reminder of my husband's past. I so wish he is my one and only. I had other relationship, but I never remember or mention any of my ex. I would have to say I brought absolutely no baggages to this relationship. He brought his daughter, his ex, his mother in this relationship. Again, not his fault, and he is doing the best he can. But the situation just sucks.
I know how you feel, but I
I know how you feel, but I have only been married 9 months (but been with DH for 3 years) so I'm afraid I don't have much advice on how to overcome the feelings of resentment because I have not been able to do that myself yet either.
The feelings are really horrible.. I resent that DH had a child with another woman.. I resent that he doesn't make enough money for us to move into a 3 bedroom house so I can have my own baby (we are in a 2 bedroom, SD takes up the 2nd bedroom and I have no kids of my own).. I also get the bs from MIL and SIL "you knew what you were getting into" etc.. Unless you are/have been a SM, you JUST DON'T GET IT. I have never felt this way in my life and I, like you, thought I would get used to it. Well DH and I (and SD every other week) have been living together for 2 years now and I am not used to it at all.. I am miserable.
You aren't alone!