How Do I Learn to Like Him??
Anyone have any suggestions as to how to start liking a Skid that you just can't find a connection to? I have a SS8. He's coming tomorrow for the next 9 days and my stomach has been in knots all week just dreading it. SS8 is not my DH bio-kid. He is the product of an affair the BM had when married to my DH. He stayed in role after learning kid wasn't his. SS8 does not know (yet) that Dad is not his real Dad.
Trouble is, neither DH nor I have much in common with the child. He's lazy, smug, greedy and manipulative. DH is indulgent and catering and lets SS8 & it's ungrateful BM run all over him and this creates lot of issues for us. Affects my respect for him. Despite this, I try to remember SS8 is just a kid and how he came to be is not his fault. But for almost 4 yrs I've been trying to create a bond and it's not happening. DH can't seem to understand why I can't just see this child as he does, as his child. Well I just can't. I keep trying. I try to play games w/him and he cheats or is a sore loser (quits, gets angry and cries). I try to help him with homework. I try to get involved with his interest which is lying on couch to watch TV or to eat. He is mouthy-has an answer for everything, interjects in adult discussions with his opinion, interrupts constantly just to get attention. Lately he's not listening to my DH, talking back. DH does not discipline so it's left to me b/c a kid is not going to run my house. SS8 is afraid of me because I no longer have much to do with him so he listens to me b/c he's not sure if I'll spank him or not I guess. But I don't want to be bothered with him at all.
He has Nothing of my Husband in him even though he's the only Father he has. My DH is sad that the boy has no interest in things he likes- custom cars, bmx dirt bikes, etc and keeps trying to find ways to bond with him. Heck he's a different race altogether. Not that it matters as I don't care about the race but it's just a glaring reminder that he's not my DH's child so it makes it even harder to connect to him. (SS8 is getting old enough to start questioning why he is different Race but they won't answer him). Anyway, he doesn't have a fun, likable personality like some kids. He's needy and stands around doing a lot of staring. He lurks in master bedroom door all freaking "Sling Bladish" sometimes, waiting on us to wake up and acknowledge him. He then asks my DH to do things for him that I know for fact he can do himself-does it all the time when he's just with me because he knows I won't cater to him as if he's 3. I get sick of telling him the same things every time he's here: "Wash your hands after using bathroom. Wipe your butt. (I no longer wash his sh*tty underwear-I throw it away or make DH bag it up to send it to his BM). Clean up your trash. Brush your teeth. Take a shower." And the lies--he'll flat out say he did things that I know he didn't do. Said he used soap to shower yet the soap is dry. Said he washed his hands yet we never hear water come on in bathroom--stuff like that.
He's 20pds overweight so BM claims he's on a diet. (She had a lapband last year but still feeds him whatever he wants and as much as he wants). Yet she tells us not to give him seconds. DH will sneak him seconds behind my back. Still when he's done wolfing his second helping down, he'll literally reach his hand into my DH plate as he's eating and pick up a piece of his food and ask if he can have it, knowing that he's touched it that no one will eat it. My DH gives it to him. I want to throw away the whole plate when it happens. Disgusting. He's been pushed on me so much. I have to babysit him half the time we have him because DH works and I work from home for a major Bank. He assumes that means I have time to babysit which I resent b/c I don't. I'm a Project mgr with stressful budget and deadlines and phone calls and meetings. To do all of that with cartoons blaring and this kid sitting around asking for this and that all day- it's awful! Often I'm not even asked -just expected to do it- so the resentment of the whole situation coupled with the lack of any commonality with this kid is just such a burden.
I just can't find any reasons to like this kid or bond with him. I am sick of feeling guilty for not being able to. I'm tired of being judged & misunderstood (which is why I'm glad to find this board!) I'm tired of my DH expecting me to embrace him. I have dated guys with kids before and it's been fine, we've bonded, had fun and so I didn't expect this. My DH wants a kid together but I can't see myself having one that has to compete with a kid that's not even his.
Please does anyone have any suggestions? I'm at wit's end with this!
Doorway Dwellers, HA! That
Doorway Dwellers, HA! That cracks me up my SS11 does the exact same crap.
Just know you don't HAVE to like the kid. They are not your kid and will never be. I realized that with my SD11. If it were a perfect world , she would just be some random annoying kid I had nothing to do with and could just walk away from, but it's not. She's attached to the man I love.
I dissengaged. I have nothing to do with her. I let her father take care of her because she is in fact there to be with her father , not me. I can't force myself to love someone.
"I have nothing to do with
"I have nothing to do with her. I let her father take care of her because she is in fact there to be with her father , not me. I can't force myself to love someone."
This is EXACTLY how I feel about and towards BF's S10! He is NOT my bio-kid and NEVER will be. And when he visits he is there to see HIS FATHER not me! I have no attachment, responsibility, or obligations to or for this kid so unless his father is physically right there and ready to do 110% of everything for his kid he is not coming over....period!!!
And NO ONE including yourself can ever force anyone to love or accept anyone...you are absolutely right!!!
I wish I could disengage but
I wish I could disengage but literally I'm often used to babysit without warning or even being asked. Last time he was here, he was supposed to stay for the weekend as usual as far as I knew. But Sunday came and I saw no preparations to take him home so I asked. Then it was dropped on me that he'd be there until the following Sunday! My DH had taken it upon himself to agree to keep him for a 11 days while BM went on Vacation, but he didn't ask me or take that week off. I work from home so he just assumed it was okay to leave him with me. I was lived-almost walked out. How can he expect me to want to bond with so much resentment towards him and the unlikable child. I was left with no choice at that time so it was a miserable week for me. He's too young to be left alone so if I go somewhere, he has to go with me while DH is working. After he went home, I told DH I was not keeping him anymore and he'd have to take off next time he wanted to keep him without consulting me. He's coming tomorrow and DH is taking several days off next week but still leaving him on me Saturday and Thursday and Friday of next week. My Sister & her family coming to town to visit me next Thursday-Saturday but I won't get to be with them until Sat because I'm stuck babysitting this kid those days. I could flat say no and turn my house into a Tension cooker I guess.
Slowly I'm disconnecting when he's here and I don't go with DH anymore to pick him up either. I'd prefer it not to be like this b/c part of me feel sorry for the boy. His BM wants nothing much to do with him. She always has him dropped off somewhere with someone. My DH has a big heart but lets them both take advantage of him. If I didn't keep him, my DH would get to see him a LOT less. It'd be fine with me but it'd hurt DH and I'm not at the point yet where I want that to happen so I keep trying but I'm running low.
Your DH is down right selfish
Your DH is down right selfish and disrespectful of you and your feelings! Is it any wonder sooo many SM dislike/hate their skids/bm? These DH/SO keep on letting their kids/bm run amuck and run their lives and then the SM's have to just sit back and take it!!! WTF!!!
If my BF EVER told me or expected me to babysit or do ANYTHING skid related when HE HAD HIM I would walk right the fuck out or tell him to get the fuck out!!! Anything that YOU do for HIS kid should be a CHOICE!!! NEVER because he told you to or demanded you to or just dropped his kid on your lap!!! F THAT!!!
Sooo many of the women on here that have their own sio-kids would NEVER treat their DH/SO the way that they treat us!!! Why? Because they know that THEIR kids are THEIR RESPONSIBILITY and not to be pawned off on someone else!!!
I love this site so much...but the bullshit that I read that these men/skids/bm do to SM's BURNS MY ASS TO OBLIVION!!!!
"These DH/SO keep on letting
"These DH/SO keep on letting their kids/bm run amuck and run their lives and then the SM's have to just sit back and take it!!! WTF!!!" <--- Truer words have never been spoken. It's absolutely uncanny that my DH is the kindest, funniest person, easy to be around in all regards EXCEPT when it comes to this boy. It's like he puts on Blinders, gets tunnel vision and can't see anything else around him when the SS8 is around. He seems to think this situation is permanent, as if this boy won't grow up or won't learn of his paternity one day (soon). It'd be a shame for this one situation to ruin an otherwise happy relationship. But I came extremely close last Month when he pulled this stunt. After SS8 went home, he did apologize and we made new agreements as to how future visits will be handled. Trouble is, we've done this before and then it all goes out the window, esp if it inconveniences the BM. I asked him to send him home on Thursday since he was working on Friday anyway and that way I could be with my Sister all day Friday instead of babysitting. But he said then he'd miss out on Saturday with him. So freaking what--at that point we'll have had him a week! He never makes exceptions for me. He'd rather inconvenience us/me than the BM. BM wouldn't take him back early anyway though-she'd try to have us drop him somewhere else.
If he's your bf's, come get
If he's your bf's, come get him! LOL Seriously the BM swears the BioFather does not know and will not ever know the boy exists. We don't know if that's true or not. 3 years ago SS8 REAL Grandmother showed up out of blue, saying she heard about the child and wants to be in his life. So BM let her be around sometimes-just another babysitter for her so yippee. My DH got nervous that real Father was going to show up but BM told us the BioFather has for some reason been disowned by his Family so they don't talk to him so still he doesn't know he has a son. I find that hard to believe. I think once DH discovered the boy has a Grandmother & Aunt (real fathers sister) that loves him and wants to be in his life & treats him well, he should let them and back off, let the boy bond to his real blood. But he doesn't want to do that.
You can fool a child but he's getting too old to be fooled. So SS8 is starting to wonder why he has a Grandmother that is NOT his Mother's Mom and not his Dad's Mom. He also wonders why he never see his "Dad's" Mom. Well DH Mom did not accept this child as her grandchild as she was close to BM before this and was disgusted with her for cheating. So my DH stopped talking to his Mom for this reason. They weren't that close but they did have relationship but this situation completely severed it b/c he felt she should not have rejected the child. (He can't seem to understand why people don't attach to this kid as he did). So he disconnected a relationship with his Mother (and is working on losing it with his wife!) all for this child that's not even his. I wish I'd known it was this deep before I got involved--I wouldn't have married into this, I'm sure.
It's been 4 years
It's been 4 years Danger_kitty. I've been around him since he was 4. It's been a slow no pressure process. We used to be able to entertain him at least because he was young. But now it feels like it's getting even further apart the older he gets and the more his own personality develops. Even his DH is feeling pressure to find a way to bond b/c he's afraid he'll fade away esp after he figures out DH is not his Dad. All we have in common is liking Game Shows on TV and amusement parks. He literally does not like anything that requires movement. We are active people-bike rides, boogie boarding (we live 5 mi from beach), hiking, amusement parks. SS8 is afraid of dogs so we can rarely go to parks as he'll just cling to us. Other kids won't play with him long as he will not share, cheats and brags about his stuff so we can't get my nieces or nephews to come play with him when we have him. So we try to see what he likes and it's nothing. We try to give him new experiences to expand his world. Musical lessons, nope. Fishing, nope. Painting, nope. He only gets excited about going to movie, watching tv and food.
We offer to have him help us cook and he doesn't pay attention b/c he wants to keep watching TV while he's trying to stir something or whatever. I talked to my EAP counselor at work and he suggested several things. We tried them all and he just won't engage. Fishing, personal time with just me, with just DH, with us. He snapped his finger at the Waitress at a restaurant last Month and told her to bring him water. He's demanding like that and used to being catered to. My DH did get on him for that but he is guilty of catering to him so not sure what he expected. That gives you insight as to what his personality is developing into. Not likable.
ktq, people always assume
ktq, people always assume kids are innocent and likable. That's just not true. Some are downright Children of the Corn! SS8 is not that bad but he's not the kinda kid I'd wish to have. Like he's not adventurous or cool or funny or kind or even that cute-mischievous way. My baby sister LOVES kids. She doesn't have any and she loves to babysit, to get 4 or 5 kids from her friends and take them places, etc. But she does not do anything with SS8. She said he's too sneaky and moody acting and act like he's better than people. (He does think he is. His BM literally teaches him that).
To me I feel like he's just like a neighbors kid or something. That's the level of connection I feel with him, even after all this time. I can't look at him and see any behaviors or physical characteristics or personality traits of my DH, which would help me connect. All I see is this little random kid who's in my house calling sh8t "His" and eating up all the food.
I hear ya. I'd rather go back
I think it is time for you to
I think it is time for you to make a statement to DH that you are no longer a doormat for him or his spawn....got any friends you can crash with for a few days while skid is around to teach him a lesson???
Of course you can't bond with
Of course you can't bond with this kid....he has no biological connection to ANYONE that is of ANY importance to you at all.....that's like I wrote in a post to someone before...go into a local walmart and pick out a kid. bring kid home. expect your husband to "love him/her like his own"....how's that workin for ya?
I don't love my stepson at all. don't like him, i just 'tolerate' his presence. and i don't believe my fdh is his biodad either, biomom is a drug addicted non functional drain on society LOSER with a capital L. you expect me to believe that she was with dad for a few weeks (per his family) and then she says 'i'm pregnant', to be convinced that kid is his? Nope. kid looks ZERO like dad or any of the cousins either. dad refused a paternity test when the kid was born, at the urging of family.
NOBODY should just be 'expected' to love a stranger! That kid in your home is a STRANGER. A kid with some woman who CHEATED ON YOUR MAN when she was with him and had this kid...WTF is there to love about that? sounds like he is a good man, because he accepted a kid fathered by some other man, and CHOSE to be his father. However, he should not expect YOU to feel like a 'mother' toward that kid.