How do I fix things???
I hope this works this is my first time...
Ok here is my story. I'll try to be short. Ha!! My hubby and I got married about two years ago. His daughter has always been very jealous of our relationship. I feel I have gone out of my way to include and make sure she gets needed daddy time. Ss moved in with us about a year ago full time because of issues at bm's home with his sf. We told him that he would have to stay with us the next four yrs till he graduates. ( we weren't doing the back and forth thing) Over spring break bm and bio grand mom decided to make him feel guilty and manipulate him about going week to week with us. Needless to say within five minutes of being back at our house he blew up and made up stuff for bm to come and save him. Now I'm the evil-step mom and I'm trying to take bm's place. Both kids have come back this week with major attitudes. My "wonderful" hubby is so worked up about the kids he is making himself sick... I'm at a total loss things were going so well then bm and bio grandma ruined everything and the kids just let them be manipulated... How does a person deal?? How does a person repair the damage?
You can't. Step children are
You can't. Step children are manipulative. Your husband needs to see the wood from the trees and realise that this is going on and be supportive of you. Not them. You are his wife.
I think he is starting to see
I think he is starting to see thus him sick. I find it kind of funny he always thought his kids were so perfect and now he is seeing the true story through my eyes. But I completely agree he needs to step up I'm just not sure how to guide him. I tried last time they were here to explain what I felt was a good step parent and that I wasn't trying to take their bm place. I call them out when they are giving me dirty looks or looking upset. I honestly don't understand putting ur kids in the middle and making them choose. My three have a sm and even though I don't always agree with her I do respect the fact that she tries to treat them like her own. I know they are loved, cared for, and protected.
I feel they are trying to put
I feel they are trying to put a wedge between my hubby and myself. How do I keep that from happening??
You can't. This is all up to
You can't. This is all up to your husband. He needs to "fix" it, he needs to make sure he doesn't allow his children to out a wedge between you two. Basically he needs to step up and be a parent. He needs to stand up to them or they will run right over the top of him and yes, your marriage will suffer. But it's all on your husband. You absolutely have every right to call them out when they are rude to you, but he needs to deal with hs relationship with them.
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Your DH's choice. You are
Your DH's choice. You are first or they are first. You will see there is no happy medium…only plenty of unhappiness to go around if DH doesn't put them in their place.
Thank you for all ur comments
Thank you for all ur comments and suggestions. I will try to start making him deal with the kids when they are acting out. I guess I'm a fixer by nature and just want everyone to be happy.. It is the hardest thing for me to just step back.
The only person who can
The only person who can repair it is your husband!
Anything you do wont help!
But, Working on your husband will..
He needs to set clear boundaries NOW!!
Nope - you can't fix it -
Nope - you can't fix it - only your DH can - HOWEVER! you can let him know this:
#1 Responsibility - his kids. This covers ensuring kids health, safety, education and NEEDS are met.
#1 Priority - his relationship. This covers being a united front - supporting eachother through all decisions and basically being there for eachother. Showing skids that he supports your relationship and making it clear to them that they are never to interfere with it.
I feel you - I had the same probs with my SO. This site saved my sanity - that and counselling. Counsellor made SO see that he was being a disney dad - parenting through guilt and making all the wrong decisions. Once he realised ths - he stepped up, introduced boundaries and has made vast improvements. I now feel secure in our relationship when it cmes to skids manipulations, I know he'll stand up for our relationship. One BIG thing pointed out to me by the Counsellor was for SO to realise that in standing up for me, he was defending our relationship. This had to be made clear to the kids.
That way, it was understood that he wasn't choosing sides - this should never be the case, because you shouldn't have to feel like it's either you (the partner) or the kids.
It's about showing the kids that he supports your relationship and will not allow the kids OR BM to control his life. He also needed to teach the kids that they needed to RESPECT his decision in choosing you as his partner. By disrespecting YOU they were effectively disrespecting HIS decision.
Boundaries are so damned important! Boundaries show the kids how to respect you and eachother. This will assist kids when they grow up and have relationships of their own.