How do i deal with feelings of hate?
I am the step mom of 2 really great kids. I love my husband tremendously! His ex wife on the other hand drives me nuts. She calls and yells at him for the most stupid things, she calls him names in front of the kids. She calls me names in front of the kids. She doesn't answer the phone when he tries to call. She doesn't take care of their health issues as she should. She sends the kids to schol in clothes with holes in them. She is just generally mean to everyone. We pay her child support every month and pay for the kids health and dental insurance. She has not worked in almost 5 years and has some live in boyfriend who doesn't like the kids but he supports her laziness. And we founf out she is marrying him this year. Just the thought of her makes me angry and mad. I take it out on my husband sometimes and I don't like doing that but who else do i turn to. the thought of her just makes me misearable and bitter. I can't seem to shake these feelings and I don't know what to do.
It does matter who she
It does matter who she marries when it can effect the kids negatively. Why should they be forced to live with someone that their mother ignores then for and doesn't like them or wants to spend time with them. They are only 9 and 11 they didn't ask for him in their lives.
I think Blended's point is
I think Blended's point is that you have no control over who she marries. So, why worry about it? We bring a lot of angst on ourselves by concerning ourselves with things that we have absolutely no control over.
You just have to let it go - BM is going to do what she's going to do and be who she's going to be.
I think it's a matter of many
I think it's a matter of many approaches.
First, decide which behaviors you can control and which you can't. When she starts yelling at you, walk away or hang up. Tell your DH that you would like the same action from him. Control those things that you can control. You CAN'T control how she lives her life, who she's with, or what she says about you or DH when she isn't near you, so you have to let those things go and do damage control when you need to and can.
Next you need to realize that though she can have some effect on your skids lives, and therefore yours, her ability to upset you gives her power. If you don't want her to have that power over you then you need to handle what you can and blow off the rest.
The most important thing is frame of mind. My employees always say "damn you're so calm in disasters and I'd be freaking out." I decide what is happening, what I can fix and what I can't, how I can fix it, then I simply do it. It's not being Superman, it's just deciding to approach it as a task and handle it accordingly. Panicking or getting pissy doesn't help any. Figure out what you can fix, and fix it, and go on with your day irrespective of the rest of her bullshit. You'll feel a lot better.
I totally understand I
I totally understand I actually told my boyfriend every time I his EXWs voice it make me hate him, because if it were not for him I would not know she existed. I felt bad afterward but she really burns me up so this is how I handled it, not saying my way is right but this is how I deal.
I do not get involved with her in anyway. She can't even drop his son off with me if he's not home. I blocked her number because she likes to txt me random instructions for taking care of the little bugger. I told him not to ask advice on how to deal with her anymore because he never takes it and I even stopped going over my boyfriend's dad's house because EXW is close to his dad's girlfriend and they insist on doing favors for her even though she treats boyfriend like dirt and denies visitation whenever she gets an attitude about nothing.
I finally realized the only person I can control is me and my actions. I can't make DBF stand up to her, and I can't make his family stop helping her out.
Thank you all so much for the
Thank you all so much for the advice. I have to learn how to let go of her nonsense and not let her affect me, but that feels so hard sometimes. I want nothing but the best for my family and I feel like she counteracts that. I have to make a change and maybe, hopefully force her to change or stop her stupid behaviors. Thank you again.