Recently we were at another of DH's family events (celebrating birthdays including DH's sister) She was of course at her worst once again

Much of it is completely predictable and I expect for example that she won't so much as say hello, would be rude to me the entire time, I even figured she would bring her own food once she learned that DH & I (me) would be bringing the main dish for lunch etc...

And sure enough, all of the above happened. She and FIL arrived late and when DH's sister walked into the kitchen where we were all gathered she made sure to say hello to her 'family' (everyone pretty much but me) completely ignoring my presence there

Regardless I said "Happy Birthday SIL" when she rudely walked right up to where I was standing, and said a big hello to YSGS who I was holding (this kid constantly wants me to pick him up whole other post) but all the while DH's sister while making a fuss of YSGS did not so much as acknowledge me

When I politely and audibly said a pleasant Happy Birthday to her, I was greeted with silence. A long and uncomfortable silence, and only after that did she - while not so much as look at me but looking in a completely different direction - mumble a thank you

And yes, even though the food we brought - which DH can have and everyone including his sister absolutely love to eat - was exactly something DH's sister would love to have, she made sure to bring her own food for SSIL to cook instead...and then when DH innocently asked her why she did that after a long pause where she seemed unable to come up with an answer, she exploded on him about "everyone has their problems DH!" :?

Yes I sure do agree with her there LOL

Although it's easy to be upset with her, for her awful treatment of us, a part of me does feel sorry for her.

I do understand where DH's sister is coming from

I have also been in a similar position.

Not one of my brother's wives - I've always gotten along really well with all of them - but a friend of one of my sister's whose relationship with my sister did trigger some hurt/anger/jealously in me. Even humiliation at times, feeling like this person meant more to my sibling than I, who I've always been so close to

Like DH's sister, I can see how easy it could have been for me to simply ignore my sister's friend any time I was at my sisters and this friend was there. I never felt comfortable when this friend was around

Thanks to the nasty treatment I receive from DH's sister, and knowing it all stems from jealousy and competitiveness, I vowed never to behave that same way myself!

Instead, I tried to treat this friend much the same way my YSD treats me. I'm polite to her, respectful, and tolerant.....and part of me knows that my real disappointment and anger really is with my sister, and her friend although easy to target as I felt that friend replaced my relationship 'status' the friend should not be the target, nor I wondered if I had the right to feel any anger at that situation at all

As my DH once said, concerning his daughter's jealously towards my relationship with DH "you love who you love" and regardless of how jealous and insecure others may be, the best you can do in that position is try not to rub it in, but feeling guilty about who you love 'best', not so sure anyone has the right to dictate that!

When it's all said and done, although I would love to just write DH's sister off as a jealous loser who is not worth my time, I do know where all her behaviour stems from, and feel bad for her that she has never gotten past it, never been able to see things the way I do with my sister's friend for example, or to suck it up and behave more like her niece - YSD

Had I behaved towards my sister's friend the way DH's sister treats me, I think I would have felt more than a little stupid for acting in such an insecure, competitive way to someone, simply because of the relationship they have with someone I felt I should have been more important to.

Not to mention, my sister's friend would have most definitely had the satisfaction of knowing that I felt inferior to her, that I was jealous and insecure about her. And who wants someone to have that on you?

I think DH's sister feels from time to time that I have that on her. That I can see her jealousy and competitiveness. Sometimes she does all this crap, then seems to settle down and act normally somewhat after, almost overcompensating forced 'niceness' - as if even she is embarrassed by her own childishness.

It must be hard for her. I wish there was some way even I could help her through it. But I can't really. Other than to always try not to 'rub things in'. To act with class and maturity. What else can you do? I keep my distance as I know how she feels, but I still try to always act with decency and not let other's problems become my own