Household responsibilities
I'll start with a little background. My wife and I are 59 and 56. We have had our five year old grandson since birth. He is her daughter's child. I work f/t about 60hours per week. I teach 2nd grade. Wife stays home. Our day: she gets up at 5, showers, makes his lunch, empties dishwasher and sits down with ipad and coffee to watch her shows. I get up at 530, shower and leave for work at 630. Wife gets kid up at 7, gets him ready for school and onto bus by 8. As near as I can tell she spends the day watching her shows and napping. She gets kid off bus at 4:15. So that is 8 ours a day on her own. When grandson gets home she turns on the TV for him gives him a snack and moves to the dining room where she watches the news. I get home around 5. Grandson becomes my constant companion. I play with him, do baths, practice letters numbers, etc,. After I get home wife makes dinner. We eat wife cleans up and puts dishes in dishwasher. Everything else is me: sweeping, dusting, bathrooms, mowing, raking, maintenance, trash, getting the kid to clean up his toys. She has some of her own income (about $20000) from retirement. I buy everything the kid needs, pay for sports, haircuts, etc. I've had to put off my retirement as we could not raise a kid on what I'd get in retirement. I never had any kids of my own. I love the little man with all my heart, but I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Just looking to hear what others think.
Where are his parents and are
Where are his parents and are they paying child support? Why isn't your wife working given that he's at school?
Dad is in prison, I never met
Dad is in prison, I never met him and he has no rights. Mom is incapable of caring for herself, is in disability and has no clue how to care for a child.
You are being taken advantage of. And.... Oh hell no.
Work hours are work hours. She should be doing 100% of the housework/yard work/etc.... from the time you leave for work until you get home.
She shouldn't get to park on her ass all day and then you do the cleaning when you get home after working all day.
If you feel like v you're
If you feel like v you're being taken advantage of, all for some changes. You shouldn't work 60 hours a week and then have to do most of the housework and all of the yard work while your wife does the bare minimum. Transfer some of those household chores to her plate, or suggest she get a job. It sounds like you enjoy your time with the little guy, so maybe it would be acceotsble if she just picked up a much larger share of the housework.
Out of curiosity, was she retired before you got custody of the grandchild? Did you object to her retirement at the time?
We were 50 when we met. She
We were 50 when we met. She was employed pt. We moved into a two room efficiency that was super easy to maintain. I knew she didn't do much but it was easy to keep things nice in a small place with no yard. Now we are in a three bedroom house with yard because of the little guy.
Time for some work time equity.
If she is a SAH retiree and you are still working. Her job is caring for the home and yard from the time you leave for work until you return from work at the end of the work day. At that point it is not your time to care for the home and kid, etc.. It is both of your time to take care of the small amount of things that remain after her at home chore focused work day.
My SIL used to hand their young kids off to my brother when he walked in the door from a 12-15hr work day and go park on the sofa. He had to care for the kids, figure out dinner, and do yard and house chores.
That used to drive me insane and piss me off at her to no end. I am still shocked that my brother tolerated that crap.
My DW and I had to work through the balance. That is when we landed on the work time concept. If one of us is in a SAH/unem[loyed, or lighly employed career phase, that individual works in and on the home from the time the one who works out of the home leaves for work until they return at the end of the work day. My DW was a SAHM for the first 3yrs we were married. When SS started school, she lasted about 2wks and was so bored she got a job. She worked part time, kept the home and did the evening meal cooking. When I got home, I did the yard work and some of the house cleaning.
During our 8yrs as Expats we mostly had domestic help and as she was on a mid career hiatus she did what little was not done by the domestic support. During the first two full years of COVID I did international consulting remotely from an office in our home. I did the house keeping, grocery shopping and cooking.
We are now in a two career situation where we both work insane hours and since she home offices and is working 7days a week I do the shopping, evening meal cooking, and dishes. I am working about 55hrs/wk minimum. She is working 60-80/wk. She does the laundry.
Neither of us would tolerate the other not working and not doing nearly 100% of the house keeping, laundry, yard, cooking, cleaning, shopping while the other worked full time.
If you feel taken advantage
If you feel taken advantage of them your probably are. Are there any other tasks she's good at other than cooking and dishes? The good thing is she doesn't do nothing so if you ask her to help with a few more tasks it might work. People don't like to be told what to do so if you phrase it "can you help me teach GS to clean up his toys?" It might work since you're trying to reinforce something positive together. There are lots of chores a 5 year old can help with like laundry or pulling weeds. you can use this to your advantage to spend more time with him while you do them together or get your wife to do them under the guise of teaching him.
You are right. I need to find
You are right. I need to find ways to engage her without telling her what to do
Have you investigated all
Have you investigated all options for getting assistance for the child? If his parents cannot pay child support, perhaps the child would qualify for social security or public assistance.
If you're feeling overwhelmed, speak up. Confide in her that you're feeling burnt out and overwhelmed like you'll never be able to retire. Then give her a chance to try to help make the situation better. I'm sure she's not thrilled to be retired and raising a child at her age, no matter how much she loves him.
If SD is diisabled and
If SD is diisabled and getting benefits, the child may be too. If SD is disabled and on SSDI, she should be getting money for her child. If you are raising the child that money should be coming to your household. (If SD is on SSI, there are most likely no child benefits.)
You work all day, and she's
You work all day, and she's home, she should be doing SOMETHING. maybe have a sit down and tell her that some of these things should be done before you come home, don't put ALL of it on her (even though she's home by herself, maybe it's overwhelming for her? I don't know her mental state, maybe she has debliltaing depression? but tell her when the kid goes to school, if she could sweep, do the dishes, and empty the dish washer, do 1 load of laundry. that way, you can come home, mop/vaccum, help put laundry away, and play with the kid. and still offer to do the maintainance and mowing.
I know that I get overwhelmed because I have to do all dishes, cook/make ALL meals (ie breakfast lunch and dinner for DH, if he is told no, he'll act as if that means he cannot eat and pouts, he's a freaking 40yo child) SERVE him his breakfast lunch and dinner (not only do I have to COOK the meals, but I have to BRING IT TO HIM ON THE COUCH), clean up the entire kitchen, clean up ANY mess the dogs make, do the laundry, feed and water the dogs, sweep, mop, vaccuum. ALL while I wake up at 5AM to get ready for work by 7AM, I am not done with WORK until 5:30PM and am not done cooking dinner until 6pm, and I am not done cleaning up dinner and household chores until 8pm... I work from home, so that's why I am able to cook all his meals. He does not wake until 9am and works (from home too), but he takes naps and breaks during the day, and gets served meals, and SOMETIMES even requests to be served these meal in BED.
WTH?! Why do you stay?
WTH?! Why do you stay?
If he behaves like a child
If he behaves like a child then treat him like one. If he sulks, send him to his room without supper. WHY are you doing it all for him? You're his slave, for goodness sake, you should be his WIFE! You have married a spoiled, lazy, self-centred shite, my dear. Time to tell him to get off of his idle arse and fetch what he wants by himself!
Smh
Have you approached her about
Have you approached her about the inequality? Is she suffering some disability that would prevent her from doing more? I think you need to handle it somewhat delicately.. not "you sit on your butt all day and do nothing".. but ask why she may not have more time to do some of those chores you end up picking up whenyou get home.. after an already long day.
Just don't wait until you are
Just don't wait until you are so overwhelmed and overloaded that you explode or shut down. Nothing wrong with having a loving and civilized conversation about how to best manage a household.
Like others, I want to know why she isn't already doing more? Incapacity? Mental health issues? Screen addiction? Laziness? My DH is the first to admit that he is lazy about housework (he was the youngest in a male-centric family and much too spoiled), and I frequently have to ask him to do step up. He does willingly, but it never "sticks." I have learned over the years that just sucking it up and doing chores myself to my standards leads to resentment and an eventual blow up, and that is not good for either of us.
One thing I did learn from my
One thing I did learn from my Exhusband was that I set a boundary of " You get two choices buddy.. either you do it your way.. or I do it my way." He was always giving me all sorts of helpful hints.. loading the dishwasher.. how I carried a heavy item (not getting that I don't have the same upper body strength.. and what looked awkward to him.. was the only way I could manage). how I mowed the lawn.. everything he had an opinion about.. unfortunately.. he was doing NONE of it. I finally told him that unless he wanted to pitch in and do the work.. leave me alone and I will do it my way.
It works both ways.. people will avoid doing work when you are going to give them hell about how you do it.. I told my EX that if I was going to get a load of crap for doing it wrong.. and a load of crap for not doing it.. I might as well not do it and at least not have to go through the efffort for nothing.. lol.
So... sometimes we can unintentionally put people off a task if we micro manage.. like.. ok.. buddy.. you can do it better go ahead.
not saying that is what you are doing at all.. but somthing to consider.
I'm on board
Im aggreeing with the others, time to get some things off your plate and onto hers.