I agree Tasha. SS24 STILL uses his parents' divorce 20 years ago to be lazy & rude. Un-goddamn-believable!

Not really, Confused68. When SS lived with us, he would cry, punch walls and threaten to kill himself whenever someone dared call him on his b.s.
Pathetic. He is no longer welcome in my home or around me at all. I just cannot stomach the guy.

They all know what they are doing. My kids misbehave for me all the time. But when they leave the house and are at school, the pool, around others, etc. and another ADULT addresses them, they LISTEN! They just know i'm WEAK and I eventually give in to their requests because I can't handle the stress of listening to them any more. As far as the stepkid goes, well, he's as manipulative as they come. He complies with his father's requests 100% of the time. occasional backtalk, but not usually. So, that tells me he KNOWS how to follow directions when asked. So when he refuses to listen to me, his teachers, etc. I tell them to call DAD if they can't get him to comply. that will always work!

I too am tired of the "kid don't have a mom" or "kids dads in jail" or "kid has autism" excuses for ALL of my kids, bio and step.....

I know dledden....I tire of the lame excuses too.

Oh yes, I agree they should definitely know. The problem is, they can know and still do whatever they want because of the poor parenting.

They act that way because they're evil disrespectful assholes.

I'm lucky in that DH fully supports me when I discipline the skids. They are 4 and 6, and boy do they try soooo hard to wrap their daddy around their little girly fingers.

Doesn't work. Not on my watch, not in my house.

They are MASTERS of crying-on-demand, pouting, whining, etc. Do I consider this a product of bad parenting/environment, not at all. They're young kids dealing with a lot of change and confusion with two households. BM is very lax on rules, but she also has zero patience, so they don't get away with the whining/crying there either.

If this behavior actually WORKED and no parents stood up to them? They'd be monsters and failures as adults. This is why we end up with so many pansy-pant hipsters whining about how cruel and unjust the world is .. ya know what? You're right! The world is HARD AND CRUEL AND UNJUST .. and just like the millions of people before you, you have a choice to either put your big pants on and DEAL with it, or sulk in the corner like a spineless loser.

You can hold the children accountable, I agree with that to a point. You also said children will push to get what they want and will try what ever means possible to get it. If Dad constantly gives in, then it's dad's fault. Why wouldn't a child push to get what they want if it always works. Who do you blame? The child who knows better and pushes and still gets their way, or the father who constantly gives in and gives the spoiled pushy child everything they demand.

I hold both accountable. BUT......Dad is the adult here and can make the change happen. If dad really wanted his child to behave the way most parents do (i.e. you and I), he would change his behavior and stop giving in on every whim. If dad wants a peaceful environment for everyone, Dad needs to make it happen. The child in this case isn't interested in peace in my home. She's interested in herself. Children at various ages do have some narcissistic tendencies. Most parents will try to minimize those tendencies and get them under control ASAP to help their children understand that it's not ALL about them. Others will ignore this behavior and hope it goes away. Dad and mom have created a manipulative child. This behavior isn't inherant, it's learned from those around her.

One additional thought about my last comment. Most of us step parents do not have the control with our skids. It's the bio parent who makes the rules and sets the guidelines. We'd like to have more say so, but the kids understand who to go to for the answers and it's never us! if this is the case, and we really don't have the control that we'd like to in our own homes, then it's up to the bio dad/mom to make the changes necessary in the child behaviors to create a peaceful and harmonious environment for all.

I believe this is more to the point of why I hold my SO accountable more than my SD. He can make the difference if he really wanted to!

I agree. I have a SS14, and his dad has never really been there for him at all. He has been so bad the last two years that he was sent to a boarding school for troubled kids. It would be easy to point to his situation as the "reason" that he has been so awful, but my nephew of the very same age has been through at least as bad family life if not worse -- and he is a great kid that hasn't gotten into any trouble.

Skids here were raised to know right from wrong, to have manners etc. I met DH's 10 year old twins and fell in love at first sight with them.
Her mother believed SD's stories about me stealing her daddy and actively encouraged her, not that she needed much encouragement, to disrespect me and DH. PAS began in earnest once it was known that DH and I were getting married, a year after we met.
BM is a psychotic freak, SD is a carbon copy of her mother and once SD went into puberty NOTHING could be done except 'manage' the situations. A juvenile judge was exhausted by SD, who quite clearly knew right from wrong having had serious consequences issued by the judge. The last sentence was for two years, felony assault and resisting arrest. SD was finally released and left the courthouse with her mother, that was her decision and she has to live with that from now on.
We have pretty much washed our hands of SD and BM, there's absolutely nothing we can do until SD hits rock bottom and wants to make good choices...currently SD is dancing, serving shots, doing bachelor parties and running with drug dealers and all that they offer her. DH tentatively broached the subject of cleaning her up and I told him that if he was willing to dedicate the energy and time it would take then by all means, we'll do it. DH saw sense after I reiterated that there's nothing we can do until she wants help. It's heart breaking to see such a beautiful, intelligent, girl go to waste like that but she's 18 years old and we have no control over her.

The skids in our home have learned to be respectful of others (in and outside our home), respectful of what they have (and what can be taken away), and respectful in their overall behavior. It is an uphill battle, mainly because of the 50/50 split (and the standards are NOT the same in the other home). When we have the kids, it normally takes a day or so to retrain their behavior, and then we are handing them off again to BM.

I understand it is widely accepted that kids need their mom and their dad. However, isn't consistency for their sake more important? DH and I try (he fully supports me; and I am more of the disciplinarian than he is) to keep a routine for the kids, but BM throws any structure/positive routines/behavior to hell in a handbasket!