his kids make me feel I do not belong...
I am in a joined household with my BF and my 2 BD's. BF has 3 kids, son of 25 from 1st marriage, and a daugher of 21 and another of 11 from 2nd marriage.
I am the third (third is the charm ) We do not have children together since I can not longer birth. We opted for the puppy ( a crazy MINPIN )and it carries both of our last names.
My issue here is that I feel that I can not call them my step kids. However I do have the youngest spending everyother weekend with us. But I am miserablle when she comes over. She makes faces at me, talks to my daughters bad about me and tells them what her BM says about me (can't say it here, it is not pretty) makes my girls feel like outcasts in their own home. She is insulting, rude and I am only a piece of furniture, unless of course, she really needs something from me. The oldest is in total denial that her father is happy and deserves a life. She insists on punishing him for being with me. I am not allowed to join them on their weekly lunch because it hurts her too much, she says. And father goes along with it. I am pushed aside. The youngest, goes thru my stuf... takes what she likes (sticky fingers) and rips any pictures that we have of her father and I together. But no matter how I present the issues to my BF, he wants me to "be the adult and understand the situation". "it is not easy for them" he says
Well, am I being selfish to say "what about my feelings?? Why can't I be respected? I am the one that makes you happy. We live together?"
The Ex is always telling him that she wants him back and tells the kids that I am the one that ruined everything.
I remember walking into this house, there was nothing left here but him.
We furnished the home entirely, painted the entire house in and out, lots of projects together. Well oldest daughter (did I mentioned that she lives in her own home that she had her father buy?) she made him feel guilty for painting her old room and allowing my daughter to sleep in it. I can not believe the work they perform on this poor mans guilt.
It hurts me to see him suffer and have to live two seperate lives... the one with us, and the one with his kids. He calls it "his past and present lives"
He feels that they can not be mixed yet because his oldest is not ready to accept his new relationship. He has also told me that they hate me and that they will never allow me in their lives. And that is not my priority. I just want to be respected as a human being and for him to stand up for me since I can not defend myself in front of them. I am not with them when they discuss me.
So, my question is... what am I to do? Should I tell the brats how I feel about them. Honestly, I have no respect for her... the things she has done to me directly and indirectly are too long to write. I am hurt, they make me feel as if I do not belong. And he sees none of it. I hear them say " DADDY!!, I love you daddy!! "" only when they want him to buy them stuff.And that, makes me so angry. I see right thru them, just what their BM did to him while married. Used him. Oldest is always complaining of how little time she has to take care of her home, so now we pay for a maid to clean it, the gardener to do her lanscape and all improvements... and lets not forget to maintain her car ( no less then the BMW, I drive a ford).
I don't want to say this... but I don't like her... but she is his daughter and always will be.
How do I handle this situation so that we can have harmony? I really need to vent... this is eating me up. I am frustrated and so hurt. OH, just today, since my BF is out of town, the older came over to say that her father said it was ok for her to borrow the car b/c hers is in the shop. ARGGHHHHH i can not stand this anymore.
Can someone please help me ?? Am I being insensitive, selfish, wrong?
P
No your not at all !Join
No your not at all !
Join the club, I am going through the same thing only my BF children are not as old, His range from 15 to 8.
They do not respect me, They only call their father when they want something or he has something for them, They don't come visit because he is with me and well they stay away to hurt him, But they know his number come holidays and such.
His x feeds those kids all kinds of crap, She's the ring leader and they kids lisiten to it all making it impossible for him and DEFFINETLY for me.
They want nothing to do with me and barely have anything to do with their own dad because they are selfesh.
This is what I can tell you: LIVE YOUR LIFE!
If they don't want you to be apart of it your better off, Do you really want the drama anyways? If their so controlling and manipulative like that don't feel bad.
Their dad rides on guilt like my BF does, But what he does not understand is.. He is not making it easier for you to be excepted because he buys into their B.S
He needs to tell them " I am happy, and this is my life and I love her very much, and if you can't except her and don't want to be apart of our family unit then don't come by until you can be civil".
It does not mean he does not love his children, It just means he is putting the smack down and standing by you!
Like I told my boyfriend, You can only live your life for your children for so long, They grow up and get their own life.
Its hard for them to move on and except that, Because that is apart of his life and who he is.. BUT.. YOU NOW are apart of that life and you need to feel like you come first some where.
And as far as loaning daughter car!
He should tell you that and discuss that with you.. I don't care how old she is, She is his daughter.. NOT HIS WIFE!
I agree...
I just feel that they are punishing their father for starting a new life and I am guilty by association. I am being punished for their Bioligical parents splitting and I had nothing to do with it.
It seems hard to have him understand that I am not looking for love or acceptance, but respect. I am in his life, he chose me.
What he does not know, is how to relate to them is that if he is happy and that if they claim to "love him" then they need to respect his decision.
But I feel awful about not being able to accept them. Their father always says "respect is not a given, it has to be earned" Well, I have lost respect for his kids based on their behaviour. They do not respect their own father or myself. I can not find it in my heart to respect them back. No matter how hard I try.
I too have my kids and talk to them on a regular basis about my relationship and their duties towards the man I love and forms a part of thier lifetoo. My girls BF is not around so they have no choice in the matter, but respect is important. Like it or not, they understand that this is my life and they will have their own someday.
Why can't my husband do the same with his kids??
That is what I don't know how to handle. I am afraid of interferering in the little relationship he might have as he tells me I might do. So I step back and watch how they are only around when they need something and I am treated like trash.
Their BM seems to forget that he is no longer in the same financial status he was before since she took 3/4 and is getting more than one can make in a month working hard, as alimony plus child support. But that is not enough, she makes sure the kids get more out of it too. She trains them well, to hate me also. I do not have a realtionship with her either, she refuses to talk to me. Claims that I am the home wrecker.
Can some people be so blind to their mistakes??
And what have we done so wrong to deserve this?
Venting again... thanks for listening..