Hello fellow STalkers,

I just wanted to say hello and introduce myself. I've been a lurker here for at least 2 years. You have helped me so very much and I am grateful to all of you. My situation is eerily similar to most of yours. I have one child, BS12. I was married to his dad for 11 years. Both of us are college-educated, white collar professionals from intact homes and we have very similar parenting styles. We have no drama and our son goes back and forth with ease. We aren't exactly friends but we co-parent well and manage to even occasionally share a laugh together. BS12 is an A student, plays sports, involved in our church youth group, has a close circle of friends, etc...

I remarried 4 years ago. Wow! I had no idea this sort of life even existed! I truly believe that it was all kept from me prior to marriage. Not one month after the wedding I began to see huge red flags. My DH even said, "I wish you were my kid's mother!" I should have left then. Ha!

Like many of you, my DH knocked up a waitress and tried to do the right thing by marrying her after SD15 was born but it lasted just a year or so. She already had a child by another man who was in prison (!) so my DH again tried to do the right thing again by allowing this child to come along for visitation with her sister after the divorce. Prior to our marriage, I thought this was so nice of him, what a great guy, yada, yada, yada. Now I see that it is all out of guilt. The girls had no structure, no bed time, no expectations of behavior or school performance, nothing. Completely feral! He just allowed anything and everything. Visitation was decided by them (4th and 6th graders at the time) with no discussion with me. BM is total trash - not even a high school education, had a live-in boyfriend, smokes with kids in car, loves to argue and fight and talk about people, just nasty. She does little to nothing for her own kids. I could go on and on...And no, I didn't see this while we were dating. I spent time with his kids but they were on their best behavior. I never interacted or spent any time with BM. We didn't live together before marriage so I didn't know the degree of dysfunction. I was very naive and I see that now. My frame of reference was not of this dysfunctional step-world, you see? I thought all little girls acted in a similar fashion and that all kids were basically normal and "good" kids. So naive!

Over the years, I have at least managed to get some structure to the visitation. They come one night per week and every other weekend per the CO. BM is no longer allowed in our neighborhood due to her behavior (dropping kids off without even asking, using our neighborhood pool without asking, fighting with DH in the front yard, just nastiness). I told my DH that he is welcome to go to her house and engage in that but it will not be tolerated at my home or in front of my child. So, she is banned from the neighborhood and our security gate knows this.

To this day, DH still does not force BM to do her basic parenting such as taking kids for haircuts, dental appts, paying her share of stuff. He is still unable to tell the girls NO and still has little to no expectations of them. He prefers to coddle and make excuses and give them everything they want without having to earn anything. As a result, they are school flunkies (he is excited right now because they currently have Cs rather than Fs - thanks only to me), have very few friends, no intrinsic motivation to do well, no plans for college or adult life, and are just basically not good people. The oldest is nearing 18 and still doesn't drive and has never had a job, not even babysat. The youngest just failed her learner's license test. Sigh...

When they do something crappy like lie or post outrageous sexual images on-line or get caught having sex in the school parking lot or what-not, I cannot say a word to my DH without him getting upset and defensive toward me. He wants me to do for them (volunteer at school, drive them around, buy them clothes, take them on vacations, etc...) but he doesn't want me to have any say in anything. After getting told to "Stay out of it" one too many times, I am finally done. I was disengaged from everything but the school work, but after a recent incident involving them and BM lying to us and DH not addressing it, I am now fully and completely disengaged. I do not allow people like that in my life so why continue to make exceptions for these two? They and their mother are not people that I would ever associate with anyway. I no longer want to see them, hear them, or even hear about them. I only told my DH that I have had it with his kids but didn't go into the disengagement conversation. He would not understand anyway and it would only cause problems in our marriage. So, I just pretend they don't exist. Perhaps they will grow up to be decent, contributing members of society. Perhaps not. It is likely that they will grow up to be "takers" and babymommas like their mother. I no longer have it in me to care. I can only focus on my own child, my DH, and my friends and family who love me, and of course, on keeping my own means and ability to remove myself from this situation if necessary (and it very well may be necessary in the near future when they don't launch and want to move in with us. Ha!)

I must admit that I do feel a degree of sadness for what could have been had these girls only been parented, but I realize it is not my place to parent them (I never wanted to!) or even try to "help." My help is truly not wanted. Its a shame because they will struggle unnecessarily. Its a shame that I won't have the relationship with them that we could have had...for that I do feel some sadness.

Anyway, thank you again fellow STalkers for your advice and encouragement. Lurking here over the years has likely saved my sanity and perhaps my marriage. I hope to help others who may find themselves in this situation.