Hard news needs to be said to BS but SD's family doesnt want her to know...What now?
There is a lot of background to this story but I'm going to try to keep this short. Basically, my son's dad committed suicide last year. I have a bs4 and sd8. Sd8 who lives with her custodial grandmother now (cg) due to complications. When the death first occured I decided it would be best to describe the death without saying that he did it to himself until the kids had gone through some counceling to help them understand feelings and had some established coping skills and were a little bit older and could have a better understanding of what this all meant. Specifically what I told the kids was "Your daddy was very sick in his brain and it made daddy do things he wouldn't normally do and he died because of it." They both accepted this and asked very few questions. Since then, bs has been in constant counseling and support groups as have I. But cg has felt that SD doesn't need any couseling so she has seen a therapist once and never again since. Not through all of the conseling I have recieved, the suicide couseling specialists have said that they have found that not telling the kids it was a suicide is great at first but they do not recommend hiding it for very long as the kids will resent and be angry with parents for lying to them. And it generally makes their greif process longer because they end of processing the same death two times in very different ways. Where I am stuck now is, that I feel that the time to sit down my son and tell him and begin suicide specific counseling is coming up soon. And when I explained this to cg, she flipped. She honestly thinks that SD will make it through her entire life, including adulthood without ever finding out that it was a suicide. And she doesn't want me to tell my son because she doesn't want him to tell SD what he knows now or ever. But I refuse to drag my son through the hell that cg has decided to put sd though. So my instinct is to tell him when I think that times is right and cg will just have to deal with it. But I do feel bad doing so because bs will be told and will receive help and conseling and sd will not be given that opportunity. She will just find out and have to worry about it alone because I have to say in what they do to her. What do you guys think I should do? And what do think I should say to cg to make her understand why this is important for both of them and why she must provide help for my sd?
This isn't about SD. It's
This isn't about SD. It's about your son. The grandma doesn't have any say in this.
Plus, the grandmother is from another era, when often, people thought that the best thing to do with disagreeable family "secrets" like this was to slide it under the rug and never talk about it.
SD is not going to be excessively traumatized by this -- and the idea that we should try as long as we can to protect children from ever hearing anything less than butterflies and rainbows is misguided, anyway. Sheltering kids too much can do as much damage as not sheltering them enough.
Don't worry about it. I would just tell cg that you have decided to tell him. Talk to the counsellors about it first, maybe, and get their advice on what to say to SD's family about this. That way you can say "I've spoken to professionals about this, and this is what they say..."
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
WAIT -- I just read your
WAIT -- I just read your last post, and I think I misunderstood this situation.
Is the biodad who committed suicide the father of BOTH of these kids? That's what I'm understanding now.
IF so, then I totally take back my response above -- because of course it's about SD, too. I thought we were talking about an SD who didn't know or barely knew the father of your son.
Wow, I'm soo, soooo, sorry to hear this. What a terrible time you've had.
I have no advice for you on this one. I don't know. I feel terrible that SD doesn't get counseling for this. Perhaps you and the grandma could go see and talk to the counselor of your BS together, so you could try to make a joint decision on what to tell the kids???
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
idk - I'm not sure I agree
idk - I'm not sure I agree that telling young children the exact cause of this particular death is going to do any good. Some day the kids will ask more questions about how he died. When they do, maybe that is the time to tell them... when they become more curious and just saying, "he was very sick" doesn't seem to be satisfying their curious little brains. That is not a lie. To me, that is just not giving the full details of how is was sick. I don't think kids need to carry the burden of such a tragic death around with them at an early age.
My bio father died when I was 6. While it was a cancer that killed him, there were things about him that were not so pleasant to know that my mother did not share with me. I found out when I was in my late 20's. I was glad I didn't know sooner. I never held a grudge against my mom from protecting me from the ugly truth about my father. I understood. I don't think I would have understood and be able to handle it as maturely if I'd known at a much younger age.
Another thought... younger kids tend to be more open about things... because they don't know yet about the repercussions of sharing the info... kids are cruel... they go to school, tell a friend about their father and now some dumba$$ kid is teasing them and saying hurtful things about their father.
I kind of agree, LL. But
I kind of agree, LL. But I'm not a professional, and if the counselors are telling her it's better to tell him, then if she thinks the reasoning is valid, I guess it's her call. It could be that it depends on the kid, too. Personally, I'm an I wanna know type, so I guess I can see the value in being told the truth, in an age appropriate way. However, maybe "he was sick and it made him do things he wouldn't normally do" is enough of an indicator?
I dunno. I'm waffling. SingleMotherof2, what do the counselors suggest that you say? How do they suggest you word it?
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
**SingleMotherOf2GreatKids**
**SingleMotherOf2GreatKids**
Well, like I mention in the original post this situation is extremely complicated so i know it's hard for someone not having all the details to give good advice but hey, I will take what I can get. So I will also tell you that. Cg has now allowed POS bm to take joint custody. And POS bm has excluded visitation and contact between Sd and myself. My family and bs can see her but not me. So telling my son, I can only help him understand and I am not allowed to do anything for my sd and just have to deal with what they do to sd.
The specialists say that the key to helping is in thw wording. They say what I told them initially is perfect. But that the longer the children go on blaming illness for the death of their father, the longer they go on grieving his death in appropriately. They say that people in general have to grieve death from suicide greatly differently then illness because with this type of death, the kids automatically worry about things like, was it my fault? why didn't he love me? why wasn't I worth staying on this planet? And working through those questions is important to their acceptance and understanding. They say it is best to tell them right away also because they wont harbor negative feelings toward the parent that is left for withholding information or lying or even for making them feel guilty for feeling angry. Which with a suicide they have every right to feel angry at their parent. They say to word it age appropriately which for my bs4 and sd8 would be a long the lines of...daddy was sick in his brain with something that made him very sad and was causing him a lot of pain. And daddy didn't want to live sad and hurting anymore so daddy killed himself. and he loves you very much and wishes he could be with you but daddy just didnt want to live anymore.... and yes, the word killed seems strong, I thought so too at first. When I asked about saying "killed himself" versus "took his own life" or "committed suicide", they told me that the later was out of their vocabulary range. That they understand to kill and associate kill with die. That the word "took" or "commit" doesn't make any sense or gives a false understanding that whatever was taken or committed can be brought back. And they also said that kids don't have the same social stigmas that we as adults do. Suicide to a child is just another way that poeple die and it is not this big taboo thing for them. Also they said from there you answer their questions about the death again age appropriately and also only give the information that they are asking for. So if they ask somrthing like, well how did daddy kill himself. You just answer with things like, well daddy hurt himself and he stopped breathing and his heart stopping working so he died. and not go into the long details they didn't ask for like,what he used to hurt himself, where he was or things like that.
I am so sorry to hear you
I am so sorry to hear you and your son are going through this. Sadly, I've had personal experience in this area, have been through counseling and have read extensively on this topic. Experts agree it is important to be honest about suicide. Hiding it adds to the pain and children inevitably find out. The whispers and the secrecy are poison. If the truth is left out or an actual lie is told, the child will feel betrayed. If the child finds out as an adult, it's even worse because the betrayal has been ongoing. Being honest allows you to discuss the suicide honestly and to discuss the fact that suicide isn't the answer.
It sounds like you've already explained the situation somewhat and in a way your children can understand. I really believe depression is an illness like cancer and the person is not able to see clearly in a way that he/she is able to make a rational choice. Please make your decision about telling your son based on what your counselor advises, not what the CG wants you to do in order to "protect" SD, because it's protecting no one.
Good luck to you and wishing you a measure of peace,
SC
I, too, have been through a
I, too, have been through a similar situation. Grieving suicide is way different and needs to be counseled accordingly. My brother took his life 3 years ago when his daughter was 2 (DN). She is 5 now. She knows that daddy died because of a gun. I am not sure if she yet understands that he did it - I don't feel it is my place to tell her, but she talks about him all the time and I let her talk and she says things, so that is how I know she knows there was a gun involved. All I can say is that DN is so well-adjusted. She loves and misses her daddy. She sometimes sleeps with a picture of him (to keep away the bad dreams) and often asks to go to his grave where she has "private" conversations with him and loves to show him new dance or gymnastics moves. The important thing is to keep his memory alive, answer questions as honestly as you can, listen when he talks, and remind him that his father is always in his heart. I think you need to do what feels right for your son. It is a shame that others aren't doing what is best for sd, but you have no control over that and you shouldn't worry about placating other people's choices by not doing what is good for your son lest sd find out about it.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!