Hanging on for dear life
My wife and I have been married for 8 years, together for 11. We have one child together who is 8 now. However, my wife has a daughter from a previous marriage who is now 16 and lives with us about 70% of the time - the other 30% is spent with her father, who lives in the same town as we do. I first met my wife's daughter when she was 5. She was cute, but very stern. It was like talking to an adult who had anger issues, control issues back then. My wife, at the time, was involved in a very heated and angry custody battle with her ex-husband concerning their daughter(he is very controlling, has anger issues). I first started dating my wife officially when her daughter was 5. I could see how hard the custody battle was on this little girl. It was traumatic. However, I also noticed that her daughter was very bright, very businesslike, very into rule-following, calling people out(and telling on people) for not following rules, etc. In fact, she was so into rule-following and being serious, she never played. She never liked or played with toys, never played games, had problems with creativity and free play, had problems making friends, always very serious. Her mom is the same way, but has eased up in the last few years and has become more playful and fun.
My wife and I had our child when my SD was then 8. Although the relationship between my SD and myself at that time was okay, it was never great. Not terrible, just not great(her biological father let her know that I was never to be called "daddy" and I was not her real father, so should not be treated as such). But as the years have gone on, and as our youngest child has grown too, the relationship between my SD and myself has deteriorated dramatically. We hardly talk. There is no acknowledgement from her that I am even in the room. When I am, she is usually rude, condescending, demanding and dismissive - or completely silent. She follows her mom around like the Pied Piper, attached to her at the hip. My wife goes into the bedroom, my SD follows her. The kitchen - SD follows. Outside, SD follows again. Everywhere my wife goes, she goes. It's almost amusing to watch.
Our youngest is doing very well, but I notice that my SD will sometimes bully her or try to control her behavior in unhealthy ways. I must say, my SD is a straight-A student, never gets into any trouble outside of the home, is very responsible and follows rules in class, at school, in the community. She is a naturally gifted student who gets "As" without much work or help. In fact, "work" is a word I'm not sure she even understands. She's had small jobs that were very brief, but for the most part she's not into working or getting a part-time job. She quit her last part-time job because she felt it took up too much of her free time. School is very easy for her, so "trying" is not really part of the equation in her life.
She's a really messy person, so food and clothes are all over the place(I pick up after her and clean everything while she is here so our house doesn't turn into a disaster area), but I never ever go into her room(she didn't want me to go in there, ever - so I don't). She listens to the TV too loudly, she invites friends over all the time without asking, there are constant messes around the house that need to be cleaned up, and I never know when she's coming or going. She never acknowledges me, ever - doesn't say hello or goodbye, never talks to me, never wants to have a conversation of any sort. She will only talk to our youngest child and to my wife. I usually get nothing but silence, even when I try to talk to her. It's the most unpleasant experience.
I understand the "teenage years", where teenagers are messy and angry at their parents. I get that, and I was a teenager too at one point. But the rules set forth in our house by my wife(for my SD) do not coincide with my beliefs, my expectations or my upbringing. Growing up, we were always told to do chores, to help out around the house. Things like dishes, emptying the trash, taking care of the pets, cleaning our room, mowing the lawn, folding laundry, etc. These were things that were expected of us growing up(at least in my era). My SD does none of this - nothing. My wife gives her a pass on everything, even things like putting dirty dishes in the sink for me to clean up later. When I brought this up to my wife(a couple hundred times) I was denounced as being mean, overly critical, demanding, unfair and that I needed personal counseling to address these "issues" that "I" had concerning household chores(gaslighting). Here's the funny part: When my SD is at her dad's house, she is required to do all these things and more! Dishes, trash, cleaning her room, cleaning the house, yard work, laundry, etc. All of it. When she comes to our house, she lives on her phone and watches TV endlessly, never lifting a finger to help out around the house. She has no idea how to take care of our pets, where the trash cans are located, how to load the dishwasher or how to hand wash dishes, nothing. She comes in, sits down, entertains herself - and eats us out of house and home - then leaves trash and laundry everywhere. It is up to me to do the cleaning and all the other chores - otherwise, it doesn't get done. My wife's ex-husband, when I talked to him about this issue, was flabbergasted. He told me this was not allowed at all in his house - and this was an issue with my wife, that she was not setting rules for my SD. I agreed, but there wasn't much I could do because my wife is convinced she is right - that my SD can sail through the house without a care. No chores get done by her at all. Our 8 year old does more chores than my SD, who is 8 years older right now. My wife admitted that she will never require my SD to ever do chores. So, I'm out of luck on that one.
Unfortunately for me, I can't stand my SD. It has gotten to a point now where I dread her coming over to our home. The anxiety I feel knowing she is coming back to our house is overwhelming. I tried for years to connect with her somehow and some way, to no avail. Now that she is 16 and will be going off to college in a couple of years, I am just hanging on for dear life until she goes. If I know she is coming to our house on Monday, I start feeling panic the Friday before. I long for days at home when she is not here with us. When she finally leaves for her dad's house each week, a feeling of elation floods my brain - I feel happiness and positivity. When she leaves to go out with her friends for a few hours once or twice a month, I'm overjoyed - because it means peace in our house, peace in our lives.
For the longest time, I felt like I was "bad" for thinking this way about my SD. My wife always took her side on any discussion, issue or disagreement - always. I felt like I was the problem, like I had a problem. So I got into weekly counseling to work on myself, just for this issue. That only made things worse. My SD convinced my wife to dump me over my constant reminders to my SD to please clean up her messes. My wife eventually did dump me and I was forced to move out for a period of time. Although we reconciled, the damage to our marriage was severe. My counselor mentioned that my SD sounds like she's trying to manipulate and control a situation that she has no control over(that stems from her childhood during the custody issues - where she was back and forth and back and forth between the parents as a young child, and even now). She will deliberately try to manipulate behavior between myself and my wife, trying to provoke us. My SD is purposely trying to find a dissolution between my wife and I so she has her mom all to herself. This issue came up in a family counseling session(we went once) and it hit the nail on the head. To this day, she still tries to convince my wife to dump me. My wife knows the reason why she does this now and is having none of it. This makes my SD even angrier. That translates to very passive aggressive behavior towards my wife and I - and even to our youngest. And then, outright explosions by my SD towards my wife. Last week, my SD tried to convince my wife that her life would be way more fun if I wasn't in it, that I would be better off dead. She said all of this while I was in the same room, within three feet of her. I just remained silent and calm. My wife just rolled her eyes.
I heard some other things too though. Some extended family members mentioned that they always thought my SD was very spoiled as a child. They also said she was extremely demanding as a child - overboard demanding. Even her biological father has mentioned this multiple times. One family member told me that they didn't want her at family functions because of her demanding behavior when she was a small child - age 1 through age 5. She would constantly throw fits, scream, cry, yell, demand, control people and situations, and play a manipulation card to get her way. Always demanding, always. The extended family isn't very close to her, keeping her at arm's length at this point. They just don't feel a close connection with her, and they find it hard to get to know her. Her biological father, this past year, has started to distance himself from her. He is now canceling planned visits from her and not taking her on certain weekends that are "his". As the months have gone on, he is seeing her less and less by choice. My wife has told me through the years how exhausting it is to parent this one, that her constant negative demeanor is putting a strain on her whole life. She is just a very difficult child to raise, coach, even be with - she is very hard-headed, very argumentative on almost any topic.
At school, she's the type of student that will complain to the school board if a teacher isn't living up to "her" standards. She already complained to her high school principal about multiple teachers - teachers not doing the job up to her standard, or taking it too easy on the class. She doesn't have a lot of friends, and boys find her to be too intellectual, too bossy, too goal-oriented, and too uncomfortable to be around. I've watched her interact with the few friends that she does have and she's very demeaning much of the time. Instead of making them feel good and encouraging them, she argues with them - comes at them from a superior intelligence point of view and embarrasses them with her supposed intellect. She's constantly arguing - with friends, her mom, her dad, others. She tries to control what they do, how they think, how they operate. I don't know that I've ever heard her encourage another person.
My SD is very demanding and demeaning of her mom(my wife) too. She is constantly angry, saying things to her to belittle her, trigger her, make her feel inferior and wrong. She'll yell, scream, scold, talk back, demean, use the silent treatment, be passive-aggressive - my wife just rolls with it, but I know deep down it bothers her. The behavior at times gets so bad, I have to leave the room. In years past, I've tried to defend my wife - but that makes the situation worse. My SD uses more screaming, yelling, crying, demanding behavior - which upsets the entire household, including our pets. My wife says the best thing I can do is to stay out of it and not do or say anything. She wants me to just keep the peace, which I do. Looking at it from an outside view, these are the same behaviors that drove my wife away from my SD's father. She couldn't wait to divorce him - and now, her own daughter is treating her the same way.
For me now, I stay quiet. I try not to interfere at all, in any manner. The real parenting for my SD is done between my wife and her ex-husband. I stay out of it entirely. The only time I put up a limit is when the television is too loud, then I turn it down for the sake of myself and my youngest child. Everything else - I let it slide. I am in constant clean-up mode(her mom works a lot, so clean-up and chores around the house is not a relevant thing in her life - that is left all up to me). But to be honest, I am in a constant state of anxiety and dread around my SD. The only time I can relax is when she finally goes to her dad's house to stay for a couple days each week. At that point, I can relax. I love my wife, love our youngest daughter, love our home. I can't stand my SD though. She's not someone I want to hang out with(I've tried repeatedly to no avail through the last 12 years). I am constantly on edge when she is home with us. I wish I could rid myself of this anxiety I feel around her. But even with counseling, I am unable to rid myself of the dread I feel. It's the most uncomfortable feeling. And on top of that, I feel guilty for disliking her. In fact, I feel awful about it.
Your wife should have been
Your wife should have been insisting on respect and civility from day 1. Letting a kid say that they wanted someone dead while sitting in the room with them is beyond unacceptable. Your wife says she's difficult to parent? Well, maybe if she'd tried parenting from the outset things might be a bit easier now.
However, that does not help your situation. Have you considered finding another place to live, possibly with your DD? I'm not telling you to get divorced, simply to live apart until the kid is out and launched.
Thank you! Yes, we lived
Thank you! Yes, we lived apart for 6 months. Our youngest was with me most of the time. It was such a difficult period, and I found that the problems with the SD compounded during this time. In fact, when I moved back home finally, she was outrageous. But I put up with it for the peace of the house, and for my marriage. The one aspect I did not accept though was my SD picking on my youngest. She bullied her to no end. I was forced to not only confront my wife about this issue, but to talk to a divorce attorney about options concerning custody. After that, the bullying stopped for the most part.
ok, wow. Is this the first
ok, wow. Is this the first time you really got this out of your system?
Can you and your wife seek counseling, even if it's online? If your wife is not supporting YOU in this and rolling her eyes at her daughter's rudeness (some teenager attitude is ok to eyeroll but outright discrespect is never, ever ok), you cannot fix this and your wife bears a lot of blame as well for not calling her daughter out from the start.
My OSD is very smart, very manipulative and played her parents brilliantly - some of what you describe is very much what I experienced too. And like your SD, there was little parenting, little to no rules, zero chores EVER to this day (my YSD is 16 now and is still not required to lift a finger when she's at our home), and no job requirements or responsibility will be there even as she gets older.
So I disengage.
WHY are YOU doing SDs dirty dishes? Hard stop - do not clean up after her. If she leaves messes in shared areas and her mother does not require her to clean up and will not let you put any limitaitons on it then it's your WIFE'S responsibility. Regarding her room, you are correct to ignore it UNLESS it becomes a household problem. I would do a clean sweep of my OSD's room if I could smell it from the hallway and by then rotten food would have become the issue (and inviting pests - in MY house that effects all of us, nope!). No one got a say in it after multiple (max 3) warnings to clean it up.
I just have to note her being smart and an intellectual are not inherently bad things...I think I am this - however her smugnes and superiority IS the problem. And that I would not keep my mouth shut on. I wouldn't get in to a back and forth argument with her but simply state, "That was rude." Or tell your wife you do not allow people in general to treat you miserably so why is she an exception?
What is her launch plan? Will she be in college and out of the house by 18?
Are you supporting her in any way? Separate any of your funds from this because I forsee a lot of social issues and thus her landing back in your home or never leaving because no one will want to live with her....
Thank you! Yes, this is a
Thank you! Yes, this is a complicated issue somewhat. My wife and I are in counseling, but we are not on the same page regarding my SD. I am trying to disengage completely, but I find it hard at times. I work at home, so having the house cleaned up is "my job". It makes things easier and smoother when I do all the clean up in the house. But I won't do most things for my SD at this point. I just can't anymore. The plan is for her to move out to go to college after high school graduation. Now, I don't know if she will actually move out because we have a handful of colleges near to our home. She could, in theory, go to one of those colleges and want to live here at home. But honestly, I don't think she wants that at this point.
Ah well I get that too. I'm
Ah well I get that too. I'm the one who cleans the house but I don't touch YSDs room (she keeps her room clean), bathroom or anything else. Because DH disagrees. I was becoming resentful however as time went on and I'd spend time doing all the general cleaning while everyone else just did their own thing. I hired a cleaner, every six weeks. Saved my sanity. DH pays a slightly larger percentage of the cost.
My DH knows I don't want SDs here once they start college. If necessary I have some specific requirements I will not bend on if it does happen (highly unlikely due to our location) and would likely only be during summers. No freeloader adults. Hopefully you have had this discussion or your wife knows your boundaries...
From a bio mom point of view-
From a bio mom point of view- my kid would have been slapped into next week for talking to their stepdad that way.
From a step parent point of view- If my husband didn't reign hellfire down upon the child that spoke to me like that- I would leave him.
You aren't going to change her personality, but you can disengage from it. Honestly, it sounds like that is how you have been surviving for a while. You don't have as much of a SD problem here as you do a wife problem.
The fact that she won't parent her A-hole daughter is an issue. I would not leave this time but I would inform the house of new rules and chores and if you wife has a problem with that, she and SD can move out, but you and Bio Daughter aren't going anywhere. There is no reason a 16 yr old isn't doing dishes a few times a week, or taking out the trash. She should also be able to handle running a vacuum and dusting upon request. These are simple things that she does need to do for the household- she get's the benefit of living there, she can contribute. The fact that your bio daughter has chores and SD doesn't is asinine on your wife's part.
If chores aren't done, cell phone gets disconnected. Wifi gets shut down. If she drives, car taken away. Make it difficult and either your wife will step up and be a responsible parent or she can see herself right on out.
Thank you! Yes, this was how
Thank you! Yes, this was how I was raised. We were expected to do chores around the house, to help out, do work, assist in the running of the household. In fact, there was no alternative. We(my siblings and I) didn't question it, we just did the work. If we talked back or refused to do it, we were punished. I have tried for years to get my SD to help around the house, to do any chores at all. But no, she won't. And my wife refuses to "make" her do them, she just remains silent, then tells me I'm in the "wrong" for asking my SD to do any chores. In marriage counseling, my wife was adamant that she would never require my SD to do chores around the house. It was our counselor who was more perplexed than anyone. She really had no answer for it. So, my SD rules the roost. It's unacceptable in my eyes, but I don't want to divorce my wife. I'm hanging on until the SD finally leaves.
OK, I've typed out a comment
OK, I've typed out a comment and deleted it at least five times because it turns novel-length. I'm triggered because I went through what you're going through.
DH and I have a DDstb22 together. DD was between 4 - 11 when SD32 was shunning me while living with us full time. DH sold me out just like your DW is selling you out and did fuck all to address SD's treatment of me. I went nuts and had an epic shit fit on DH when I realized that I did not want our DD to see that this is what marriage looked like. While you're trying to hang in there until your SD goes to uni in a couple of years, you're modeling family life and marriage for your DD for two more years.
Keep in mind that SKs given a ton of power get high on their own fumes and tend to not launch when their peers do. Don't make the mistake of holding out for your SD to launch or go off to uni in two years. Go check out the adult SK forums and you'll see that SKs parented by ball-less/ovary-less wonders just do not launch when their peers do. They will likely stay home because they love the power and their weak parents won't make them go. My therapist told me that my SD didn't follow through with going away to uni and actually arranged to take a whole extra year as a round about way to get her degree just so she could stay home with Daddeeeee to cock block me and to torture me. Are you sure you want to take a chance that your SD will actually follow through with going off to school in two years?
As someone who has been there, done that, I would caution you to come up with a plan B. Or better yet, find a place for either you and your DD to move into until your SD launches for good, or for your DW and SD to move into. Put your DD first and model something else for her than what she's seeing now. I'm sure it would break your heart in about 20 years for your DD to come to you and tell you how she's being treated in her marriage and then wonders where that pattern originated.
Thank you! I am so honored
Thank you! I am so honored that you shared all of this with me! Thank you! Yes, this is an issue that concerns me regarding our youngest daughter, who is 8. However, she seems to brush all this off(for now). She is a big helper in the house and with the household chores. She sees me working on everything each day, and helps out without me having to ask. The two of them are quite different people too. They look differently, they act differently, they have different interests, their brains operate almost opposite of each other. They don't get into too many arguments, but they're not especially close either. This has more to do with my SD's behavior than anything(can be rude, demading and bullying towards my youngest). As for the SD going off to school: A few years ago, i would have said she's leaving 100%. Now, I'd say 50/50 chance. She knows she's got it made here. And there are colleges nearby. I brought this up in marriage counseling with my wife. My plan was, when my SD starts college at 18, she would be required to help around the house no matter what. But my wife, she refused. She said that isn't something she will ever require of her daughter. I told her, point blank, she was only hurting her daughter by acting in this manner. She didn't care, she said she would always refuse to require her daughter to help. I'm at a loss for words.
Well then be prepared for
Well then be prepared for your wife to make sure her daughter stays with you and not become independent. You need to have boundaries set up of what you will and will not tolerate in another adult living with you. And make those crystal clear to your wife. Do not acquiesce just to make your wife feel better.
You're describing my SD. She
You're describing my SD. She was like this when I met her at five and never got better. In our case, her BM modeled this behavior, but also sabotaged any efforts we made to correct her. So the fact that the BF seems to agree is a point in your favor. Unless he's playing both sides.
Your SD is on a power trip, and once a child has had a taste of this kind of power, it's too late to stop it.
My DH was complicit in the situation. He allowed his brat full reign without consequences for too long. You could try to take over discipline, but unless your DW backs you up, nothing will get better. If you divorce, your DD will have to live with this little bish at least part time without your protection. And your DW will most likely rake you over the coals financially.
The only thing you can try is to disengage, which means you stop enabling this nonsense by cleaning up after her.
She probably won't launch anytime soon, as employers frown upon brats.
Thank you! Yes, the well
Thank you! Yes, the well-being of my youngest daughter was very concerning to me when my wife and I separated sometime ago. We were apart for 6 months, but I had our youngest about 85% of the time. However, during the 15% that she spent at her mom's house(our house), I kept getting reports from her that my SD was bullying her. It started with minor issues, but got progressively worse as the weeks went on. Finally, one day, my youngest could not stop crying. She was terrified to go back to mommy's house(her words). That was it for me. I contacted my attorney, then my wife. I told her the bullying needed to stop or we were going to have a problem. That terrified my wife because she thought she would lose custody entirely over that issue. After that, it stopped for the most part. But to get to that point, my wife was in a constant battle with my SD. Like, screaming matches you could hear all over the neighborhood. It wasn't my wife screaming, she remained calm. It was my SD. And when we finally reconciled our marriage, my SD went off the rails. I don't think I have ever seen a child more priviledged or spoiled that this one. And yet, my attempts through the years to correct the behavior have been met with accusations of being "mean". I didn't realize, until I got into personal counseling, that I was a victim of gaslighting my both my wife and my SD. It was my counselor who told me. And after that, I came to the realization that this problem is more complex than I know how to handle at the moment.
Do you live in an urban area or a rural one?
If it is possible within your area's code system, and you can afford it, I'd buy a small travel trailer, park it outside and tell DW that's where she and SD will be staying when she visits. Let your DW sit in the mess and disgust, listen to the diatribes from her darling daughter and you and your DD can peacefully enjoy your house without them in it.
Thank you! Yes, this issue
Thank you! Yes, this issue was brought up by my SD at one point actually. She wanted my wife and I to build a small house in our backyard, so she could live there by herself. We refused due to the cost of construction and space limitations. In reality, we would not have done it anyway because we don't want another home in our backyard. My SD wanted this because she was "tired of being told what to do" - her words. My wife just rolled her eyes again. But I was thinking about how sad this whole situation was - this young lady will be an adult soon, and if she ever has a job, she will be told what to do constantly. I don't think she'll be able to handle it.
My answer to a teen saying
My answer to a teen saying they don't want to be bothered when living for nothing and being catered to is to say, ok, you got it. You want to be independent while living here you will then be treated as an adult like you want. Then get a lease written up, including rent, utilities, and requirements for quiet hours an lockout/lost key fees. This, like any rental lease should include clean up requirements and maintenance checks.
Kitchen hours should be included and meals are now her responsibility as is her food shopping.
THAT is treating them like an adult.
Time for standards of behavior and zero tolerance for violation.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
This is a 16yo not a toddler. Its behavioral choices are conscious and willful. Any peripheral influences do not mitigate that willful toxic bullshit. So, crappy behavior returns escalating abject misery. If it does not like that, it can go live with daddy.
Neither you nor your child should be exposed to this ill behaved failed family breeding result at all much less 70% of the time. Your failed family spawn worshiping DW needs clarity that she fixes it or you will and neither DW nor it will like it.
All of the bullshit excuses for shit behavior and shit parenting are just that. Excuses. That crap cannot be tolerated by an SP from either the failed parent or the resulting shit kid. At some point it has to be held accountable for its chosen actions. Stupid choices result in painful results. Bring the pain. Not physical pain of course. Just an escalating state of abject misery, immediate confrontation of crap behavior, and public humiliation when it pulls its usual crap.
IMHO of course.
Thank you! So, I hear what
Thank you! So, I hear what you are saying. And, at one point in time, this was my stance. Basically, that I would not allow this behavior in the house and that all members of the household should help out in some way. I'm not talking about big things. I'm basically talking about putting your dishes in the sink after eating. Or throwing away your trash. Or taking your shoes off the dining room table(yep, you read that right - she likes to put her well-worn shoes on our dining room table repeatedly when she gets home from school). My SD would throw an absolute fit if I asked her to do these things. She would cry and complain to her mom over and over again, who then would confront me angrily. I told my wife, my SD needs to respect the house and the rest of the members in the household. Nope. The answer I got was that I needed to respect my SD's wishes that she not be told what to do. This went on for years. My wife finally told me she wanted a divorce. I moved out a few weeks later, and our youngest went with me. But my wife started to realize that she just destroyed her family, and months later she changed her mind. And we ended up reconciling. But the SD, she remains untouchable. And I'm learning the art of disengaging as we speak.
Just leave.
Take your daughter with you.
Thank you!
Thank you so much for your responses on here. I am so grateful for you all!
To be honest, I have thought of living apart. In fact, we did that for a few months not too long ago. We reconciled and I moved back in. However, when I moved back in, things with my SD were even worse. She didn't want me there, ever. She screamed at her mom for weeks on end to stop the reconciliation - so loud, I thought the neighbors would call the police. But our youngest, she couldn't wait to move back home with "mommy"(she was with me most of the time, in my rental). But my SD, she threatened repeatedly to move out if I moved back in. Her biological father put a hard stop on that - because he wasn't going to allow it at all. My wife wouldn't allow it either - but told my SD, point blank, I was moving back in and that was the end of it. So my SD resorted to bullying and demading behavior - towards me and my wife.
The bullying my SD did to our youngest daughter was bad. It stopped when I confronted my wife about it during our separation. It had been going on for about 3 months when my youngest literally cracked - crying uncontrollably on a daily basis from being bullied by my SD. My wife had a boyfriend when we were living apart, someone I didn't know about at the time. Well, my SD didn't like him either, and let my wife know daily. She eventually dumped him.
I keep reading about "disengaging". And "gaslighting". These things are new to me, so I'm having a time comprehending it all. My counselor told me that I had been gaslighted pretty hard during this time. And that disengaging with my SD would be more than appropriate. But I'm trying to understand what that means - do I ignore her? What do I do? For years, I thought I was the problem - like, "How in the world can you, as a step parent, not love your stepdaughter more than life itself?!" My wife repeatedly told me I was the problem, that the SD not doing chores wasn't the problem, the disprespect on her part wasn't the problem - the problem was me, my expectations for respect and maybe doing a chore or two. I was convinced that I had the issue, that I had the problem. When I got into counseling, I found out pretty quickly that it wasn't me. In fact, I was so convinced it was me, I didn't believe my counselor. "How can you live with yourself if you don't adore your SD more than anything in the whole world?!" Turns out, there are people like us everywhere - I just didn't know. It took months before I could see what my counselor was seeing. I'm starting to let myself off the hook a bit more now.
I love my wife, I love our youngest daughter. The plan had been all along that my SD would move out when she starts college in a couple of years. That is up in the air right now. But I dream of the day when she is gone, no longer living with us. I dream of having my wife and youngest in our home, living a great life. Right now though, I feel there is just a dark cloud hanging over us, and it is the most uncomfortable feeling.
Without reading everyone else
Without reading everyone else's comments my initial reaction is to send her to live with BioD however it sounds like even he doesn't want her. (and he's a jerk)
If BioD can get her to do chores then BM, who has primary custody, should definately have the power to be able to enforce rules/chores without a problem. Your wife sounds like the female version of a guilty disney dad. You sound like the male version of the ever very long-suffering, patient SM doormat. Your SD sounds a lot like my OSD25 as far as controlling and smart.
Why are you being so nice? If DH isn't around to do it, I take all my SK's crap and throw it into their room. I am not their maid and if they can't have the decency to pick up their own crap then screw SK "rule" that you can't go into their room. I am not tiptoing around a bunch of rotten brats. I know a lot of SM's on here just throw SK's stuff in the trash. Also a reasonable option to teach them to pick up.
You have a voice, use it. Tell your wife to handle and clean up after her bratzilla, b*tchy, slob of a kid. Your wife should be doing what she can to make your home your home and comfortable for the entire family, not just brazilla SD. I agree about not getting in the middle. Talk to your wife, not the brat.
Since BioD is not an option have you considered boarding school? I am totally serious. I went to parochial boarding school in high school and loved it. There are all kinds of really nice boarding school programs out there. We sent brazilla SD16 to an international boarding school ... That's right, shipped her right out of the country. She learned to love it. (whined that she wanted to come home for the first 2 months but then got the hange of it) I loved it. She loved it. It was fantastic. Some schools even offer a work/study program so kids can help pay their own way.
Your SD *should* be out of the house within 2 years. Since she has good grades make sure your wife gets her a good career/college counselor and helps her apply for colleges and scholarships, perferably on the opposite side of the state or out-of-state/country, if possible.
Is your wife at all concerned about he message she's sending to her second thought of a younger daughter? And why on earth does your wife like to have a 16 y/o follow her around all day? I love my young adult DD to pieces but dear g-d, having her follow me around all day would drive me batty. SD should be getting a job and learning independent life skills like how to drive ... not holding onto mommy's apron strings. Your wife needs counseling. It sounds like she gets her needs met from her kid and has nothing left to give you and the second place kid. I am angry for you.
Thank you, Elea! I appreciate
Thank you, Elea! I appreciate your response on here, I am so grateful for it. Thank you! Although I haven't looked into boarding schools, I did encourage her being an exchange student. That ended with Covid, and my SD is not interested in leaving her school at this point. My wife agrees with her. So, I wait. Like other step-parents on here, I have also thrown away some things left out by my SD. Lots of times, I let it sit there for days, without it ever being picked up. These include things like dirty socks, hair scrunchies, shirts, paperwork, etc. Like others, I've thrown these things away, primarily out of frustration. At one point, a couple of months ago, I came into the house and saw that my SD had left both her worn bra and her well-worn shoes on our dining room table after school one day. Her backpack from school and her lunch were also sitting there, strewn all over the table. I let it all stay there, then showed my wife when she got home. She just rolled her eyes again. This is the type of thing that happens constantly. It's one thing to leave your dirty socks on the living room floor, and your dirty clothing and personal stuff all over the house. But having your dirty shoes on our dining room table? And your worn bra? It's gross. And it happens all the time. The last time it happened, I took the shoes off the dining room table and dropped them on the floor in front of my SD. I wanted her to know it was unacceptable. But my wife was angry with me for doing it. And she reminded me that teenagers are just absent-minded individuals who don't realize what they're doing. I find that to be wrong, for the most part. If they're so absent-minded, why are we allowing them to drive? The SD knows what she is doing. She's doing it to get a reaction. To cause a rift with my wife and I. And that is exactly what happened. I set down a chore to do, my SD complains to my wife, my wife comes to me angrily telling me I'm being unfair. And next, my wife is telling me I need counseling because I'm requiring my SD to get her dirty shoes off the table. It just goes around and around. But my youngest, she's different. She wants to help, eager to help. She's the one blessing in all of this mess.
Your wife thinks you need
Your wife thinks you need counselling? How can you have any respect left for this woman?
Corner her the next time she comes after you (but make sure it's out of your SD's earshot) and tell her that you will not be scolded like a child. What strikes me is that she goes after you the way she should be going after her daughter. That is some strong enmeshment there. Also, why is she allowing a child to tattle on an adult? Even more, why is she acting on her kid's tales?
It seems odd that she can curb some of her daughter's unpleasantness (the bullying of your DD) when she wants but gangs up on you with her and refuses to lift a finger the rest of the time. Hold her feet to the fire more often...
DH got tired of me constantly
DH got tired of me constantly telling people to clean off the dining table because dinner was almost ready. So I stopped asking. And I would set the table on top of and with all the crap left there. He had no argument at that point.
I still do it at times. I don't ask or move people's things because I am not a maid and the irritation is taken out on me. So eff it.
It's clear you have a wife
It's clear you have a wife problem. You are the man of the house. It sounds like she wants a wet noodle. I would look her straight in the eye and tell her "YOU are out of line." Remind her that you expect cleanliness in your home. Nasty shoes on the table is unacceptable. Even toddlers know not to put their shoes on the table and learn to pick up after themselves. Your wife is doing SD no favors by allowing her to never grow up and clean up after herself. I would pile all of SD's mess up and dump it in her room. The other day Step diabla22 left her nasty knee brace on the kitchen counter. DH acknowledged it is gross and took care of it.
Throw her crap in the trash.
Throw her crap in the trash.
Make her uncomfortable. Quietly disable the TV and internet, throw out her favorite snacks, etc. Gaslight her.
Start hiding money. Cause financial stress.
Does your wife realize that
Does your wife realize that her daughter is going to be completely unemployable? So how does she plan on paying her way?
Yes, this has been an
Yes, this has been an argument I have had with my wife for years. When I told my wife that we must teach her, almost train her, to be a good and respectful person my wife threw a fit. She doesn't see it that way at all. But the relationships that I see my SD have now, they aren't close. In fact, I would say none of them are close. She is socially awkard, berates people, constantly complains, and lets others know they are not worthy. She has a friend who comes over to our house every so often. And this friend, who is the same age, is the nicest person. She's respectful, kind, works hard, is smart - and has a lot of common sense. But the SD, I've seen her talk to angrily and so meanly to this "friend", I wonder why this girl would remain friends with SD.
There is nothing dear about your current situation.
So quit clinging to your current toxic situation. Toxic for you, and for your own daughter.
Leave these two mutually worshipful harpies to their toxic futures and dedicate yourself to a quality life for you and your daughter.
I've thought about this often
I've thought about this often.
So do something about it.
NOW!
I'm struggling to understand
I'm struggling to understand why you went back to your wife when she clearly doesn't not respect or support you? I think you should move out but see your wife (and be together as a family) when SD is at her father's house. Separate all assets too (legally) just to ensure that if you do actually split the nasty stuff is already done.
When we initially split, I
When we initially split, I was caught completely off-guard. I had no idea this was going to happen, but my wife insisted. I thought it was telling when our youngest told me she wanted to go with me no matter where it was - that she just wanted to be with me. That was an eye-opener. But when my wife and I finally reconciled, my young daughter was so happy, so excited. And I thought we could have a fresh start. I'm finding now, at least 90% of our problems and arguments are about SD. We don't argue about much of anything, except this issue. And we are not on the same page at all. Not even close. So my counselor told me I really need to disengage fully from SD. I'm trying to do that now.
Same.
Also the fact that she had a 'boyfriend' while you were apart. You sound like a nice guy. No one deserves infidelity. Shouldn't this be a dealbreaker?
Respect
Respect is a big thing in all of this, I believe. Prior to my wife and I separating for a few months, she rarely listened to me when I brought up the issue of SD. She sided with her on everything, no matter how insane the matter was or might become. I joked with a friend of mine back then, that if my SD murdered someone my wife would find an excuse to "okay" it. It was, literally, that insane. I would bring up a problem with SD, my wife would get mad at me about it. I would bring up the problem directly to SD, she would storm off and tell her mom, who would then berate me in front of both kids. This went on for years. And I'm not talking about outrageous things - I'm talking about picking up after yourself, not be rude to guests, appreciate things once in awhile, have a little gratitude. I mean, any gratitude! Nope. It was all met with anger, tears, crying, and then me getting yelled at by my wife in front of both kids.
Probably the most outrageous thing that happened is when my uncle wanted to give my SD a car when she turned 16. It was a nice used car that he had kept for a few years, but never drove it. It was in okay condition, not sparkly brand new, but not a piece of junk either. And, at 16, you'd think ANY car would be fantastic. Again, nope. She told her mom that she would not take the car unless "we" agreed to her terms. Her terms included driving the car for a few weeks to decide if she wanted it. Then, she was not to thank me or my uncle for the car, ever. We were never to bring up the fact that this car belonged to my uncle and that he gave it to her, free. We were also required to provide all the necessary repairs and maintenance for it prior to her taking "full" possession of the car. And, it was all in writing - so it had to be signed like a contract. I read this and about fell over. My wife and her ex(SD's father) told the SD this behavior was unacceptable. But it didn't change things. Her priviledged behavior has gotten worse as the months have gone on.
SD begged and pleaded with my wife(not to me) about getting a dog. But the other animals we have at the house now, she never takes care of them. She won't feed them, give them water, bath them, care for them in any manner at all, none. In fact, she doesn't pay attention to them at all either. So, I told my wife that this was never going to happen because she would not take care of the dog - it would all be left up to me. So, if we got one, it would have to be my decision, not SD's. Again, she threw a fit.
I don't question the respect aspect from my SD towards me - because there is none. My wife, I do question her respect for me. Someone noted above that my wife has a wet noodle for a husband. I somewhat agree. But it was my counselor who really pointed out this issue. My counselor told me that I'm realizing now that I'm living in a house of disrespect all the way around. And, I've finally hit my breaking point. I do think of taking my youngest daughter and moving out. We did that once and had a fine time. But my daughter really missed her mom and our actual house that we live in now. I'm just hanging on until the SD leaves. I'm hoping life will change. But I'm not certain. I've also come to the realization that 90% of the problems that my wife and I have are centered around the SD. In fact, at this point, I would say that percentage is even higher. And my counselor pointed out, my SD loves this - because it gives her power in a powerless situation(for her). She has the control. She gleems with pride and joy when my wife and I aruge, especially when it's about her. My counselor has said that my SD is ruling the roost, and she knows it. So if I give her any type of control, she will run with it. Told me the best bet was to disengage fully.
The best predictor of future
The best predictor of future performance is past behavior.
Hence the model of behavioral interviewing when selecting a candidate for an open position.
In your case, nothing will change. Not even once your SD launches. Your DW will still be worshiping her failed family progeny once that progeny is ostensibly an adult. At least the odds of change are slim and none, at best.
Your DD-8 is in for at least 10 more years of seeing her mother grovel behind her elder half-sister, sniffing the half-sister's butt, and seeing her mother berate, belittle, marginalize, manipulate and disrespect her father. There is no upside in you staying and zero upside for keeping your own DD in this shit show full time. If you take your DD and move out, at least you can completely control the interface between you and your hopefully STBXW that your own daughter has to see. You will not be able to control what your XW says to your daughter, though you can completely control what your daughter sees regarding your interface with her mom. You can mitigate more of any BM led manipulation by keeping your DD fully informed of the facts, CO, etc, etc, etc in an age appropriate manner so that as she grows to adulthood she will have the tools to protect herself from the toxic pairing of her mother and her elder half sib.
You acted once, regardless of what drove that action. It is time for you to act with will and focus rather than tolerating the resurgence of the past then having to navigate a repeat without the ability to manage the transition on your terms and time line. For clarity, the time is NOW!
Question
for some reason I cant get my head around your wife (not going to use DW) telling you that she will never ever ever require SD to do anything, ever ever. On what planet would a parent say that? And as for "respecting SD's wishes to not be told what to do" WTF? What is her reason? WHY does she say this?????
From your post and comments, 2 things are clear - your wife is the main issue, Sd is sub-issue.
You are dealing with several issues:
1. Shunning
2. Bullying
3. No Cleaning/Chores
4. Lacking boundaries/respect
5. Lack of unity
6. Acting up with no repercussions
You think your SD is the cause of your arguments. Shes not the root cause. Your wife is the root cause. She undermines you, refuses to parent her child, is allowing horrible behavior with no repercussions. Kid wants to scream? Call 911. Throws a fit? record and make a little montage and pop some corn and have a viewing.
Now, you are going to counseling. Great. This will help you to the place you need to get to. Keep reading and post as much as you need to. Im curious where this will take you. I have SD23 no license, no job, goes into rage mode (read about narcissists) over nothing and lives with her mother mostly, terrorising the youngest. Your wife sounds like a narcissist, and there is something called narcissistic triangulation that goes on a lot. Your Sd sounds like shes enmeshed and triangulated with her mother and sister. In this triangle you will see it when you figure out who is Golden Child (I think SD) and who is scapegoat (I think DD8). Your wife gets something from this...
So - keep us posted on your journey.
Thank you! Yes, this
Thank you! Yes, this situation was brought up in marriage counseling between my wife and I - and the discussion was not a good one. My wife admitted to our counselor that she will never require SD to do any sort of chores, ever. Those were her words. Our counselor looked stunned - then looked over at me to see my reaction. I had already known this would be my wife's answer, so it didn't shock me one bit. But our counselor was in disbelief - becasue she knew how detrimental this type of parenting could be or become over time. My wife feels guilty for how her marriage ended with SD's father, my wife's ex-husband. He was verbally abusive to my wife and a very angry controlling individual. I've seen it myself - he will lose his mind in a minute and snap. Very angry person, very controlling. My wife made the decision to leave him after her daughter(my SD) was born because she knew the marriage and the parenting would never work. I think my SD was about 2 when she finally did leave him for good. But it tore my SD to pieces. The custody battle was vicious. He was furious about the divorce, furious that his daughter would be living in another town(my wife moved to a different town a few hours away), just angry. So he went after my wife legally, trying to get full-custody of his daughter. After 2 years, they agreed on custody. But my SD would have to be transported twice per week between the two towns, 3 hours apart. My SD, at the age of 4, would cry and cry and cry because she did not want to leave "mommy's" house. She did not want to stay at dad's house. This went on until she was about 13. At that point, she began to connect more with her father and they started doing more things together. Now, she views her father as someone who walks on water - like she literally thinks he can do no wrong(although my wife and I have seen him at his worst and know better). My wife, she feels guilty about the custody issue and the divorce due to the horrible impact it had on my SD. She has a guilt issue with it all. So, my SD gets off the hook from doing any chores, any work, any assistance at all. If she does one thing, like puts her dishes in the sink, my wife feels like we should bow down and praise the holy one. Like, seriously, it is that crazy at times. My wife knows that she needed to leave her ex - he was not and is not healthy emotionally or mentally at all. And she was going crazy living with him. My SD, she was born the same way as he was - angry, short-tempered, very serious, no playing, no fun, can snap. Everything to her - even when she was little - was very serious. The extended family commented to me multiple times about how unusual she was as a child. She would never play, would not be creative, was manipulative and angry most of the time, never played games, had no friends. My wife has told me hundreds of times how challenging my SD was as a child. She said she could barely hold on, it was so difficult to parent her. A very very challenging child.
When I came into the picture, I noticed right away that my future SD was treated like a princess. In fact, I was an unsuspecting victim of her manipulation tactics when she was 5. She cut her leg one day while running outside, while I was watching her for my then-girlfriend/now wife for a few minutes. She was running around the yard and tripped, then fell and cut her leg. My SD started screaming, so I picked her up and walked her to a chair where I could mend the cut on her leg. But she was screaming at me to stop. I did - just as my future wife walked up in a frantic state. Well, as it turned out, my SD - at the age of 5 - blamed me for all of it. In turn, my wife yelled at me for over an hour. Then, she told me she would have to decide if she wanted to keep me as her boyfriend. Her daughter continously told "mommy" that her new boyfriend was the one that did it, made her trip and cut her leg. In fact, I was about 20 feet from her when it happened. When her mom - my future wife - was yelling at me for the whole thing, I honestly thought I was caught in a bad dream. We'd only been dating for a few months. But this incident stuck in my head. Because as I would find out later, this would become a habit from my SD. And it even led to my wife wanting a divorce, and separating from me for months. The main reason she gave - my SD was complaining about me. That was the main reason. All these years later, and nothing has changed.
The bullying of my youngest daughter, our 8 year old, is a matter that I take very seriously. And I'm constantly watching now. They had a blow-up fight a few weeks back, where my SD was making rude comments to my youngest, making fun of her. My youngest didn't like that and began to cry. And that led to my SD yelling at her. I don't allow that stuff to go on, so I ran interference and got my daughter into her room and away from my SD before all things blew loose. I asked my wife to talk to my SD about the incident, but she refused - saying this is just a sister "thing" and to ignore it. These are incidents that happen often here. And I know, deep down, that my wife will never ever do anything about it. My wife told me a few weeks ago, I'm just going to have to wait until SD moves out in a couple of years. Until then, I am just hanging on for dear life.
smh. Years to go as you sacrifice yourself and your DD.
On the alter of martyrdom to your idiot parent of a wife and her toxic failed family crotch puke of a harpy teen.
If I were your DD, all three of you, DW, SD, and you would be on my life long shit list after growing up in this shit show of a three ring circus.
Save your young daughter. Save yourself.
Wow, now that was a lengthy
Wow, now that was a lengthy post. I'm exhausted. If it's as you say, which isn't too deep for such a lengthy post, I would sit down with your wife and tell her that you want a divorce unless she agrees to put a final stop to herself and her daughter treating you extremely unkindly and rudely. That you and she/as one will then have a sit down with your SD to lay out how she's going to behave from now on. Be prepared for your wife to agree to a divorce, though, because it sounds like she has deep seeded emotional issues and will not "risk" upsetting her daughter. How sad that she'll miss out on a happy marriage and remain dysfunctional and unhappy herself. I hope she'll come to her senses and I hope you find peace no matter the outcome.
At some point, I hope things
At some point, I hope things will get better here. But, honestly I don't think that they will ever improve. At this point, my SD is friendless. The last friend she had just dumped her, told her that she's not a very good friend and no longer wanted to hang out together. To me, this was not a surprise. To my SD, she is clueless. The arrogance and priviledge she displays is overbearing. And as time goes on, our relationship gets worse and worse. My only hope now is that she will leave when college starts. No guarantees that will happen, but I am keeping hope alive.
My wife - my SD's mom - also had a stepdad when she was a teenager. She has stories about how awful it was to live with him. But listening to my wife talk, what he really wanted was for my wife(when she was a teenager) and her sister(who was also a teenager at that time, his other stepdaughter) to help out around the house. Neither of them ever had chores to do, never cleaned up after themselves, never helped with anything around the house. This is similar to my complaints about my SD(among many others). But now, years later, my wife gets along great with him. Is there hope for me? I would say not right now. I don't really want a relationship at this point with my SD. She's angry, mean, manipulative, immature, bossy, argumentative and quite frankly an absolute brat. She has no idea how to do anything at home, nothing. And her causing a separation in our marriage is unforgivable to me. Her bullying of our youngest child is something I will never forget, and I will never allow again. But her manipulation of people, that is something I will always be cautious of around her - I don't trust her anymore than I trust a burglar. In fact, I trust the burglar more!
The plain truth is, I would caution anyone at this point about having a relationship with someone who has kids(where you would be a step-parent). Becoming a step-parent is not for the faint of heart. It's not easy. And other folks I know personally who have stepkids all have various horror stories about it. Knowing what I know now, I would try to talk anyone out of a relationship of this type. And if they still wanted to do it I would wish them well. For me, I'm realizing it wasn't something I was personally cut out to do. I'm a great father to our youngest daughter, but I long for the day when my SD finally moves out of our home for good. The defiance and attitude are one thing, but manipulating people is a dangerous thing. She's highly intelligent, so this is easy for her to do. I think one day it will come back to haunt her. But for me, I'm just done with it all.
Your WIFE
You keep putting 100% of this on your SD, but every single thing Ive read tells me that its youre WIFE that is the issue. Sure shes a sh!t person, your SD, but youre WIFE and her toxic ex created this monster.
I REALLY dislike your WIFE right now. She sounds like a sh!t person.
You caution others against entering into a relationship with a
prior relationship/failed family breeder and you remain in a nightmare situation with the person you caution others against.
When are you going to man up and follow your own advice?
Your SD moving out is not the end of your nightmare nor will it be the end of your young daughter's nightmare. Take your daughter and leave. NOW! You will not be able to end all contact between your DD, her mother, and her mother's failed family breeding mistake but... anything you can do minimize the exposure and influence of these two harpies on your own daughter is the right thing to do. IMHO.
Good luck.
Stop being a Hope-ium junky &
Pull your head out of your ass. Stop ruining your own daughter's life. A true and quality parent would never do that to their own child.
Totally agree with Rags
Totally agree with Rags
This will never get better and what is more it will NEVER END!
Don't pin your hopes on things changing if SD moves out. She will still be the same person, and more importantly so will your wife. I'm going to be quite frank here. Your wife is a POS, full stop!
I hope you find your voice and your feet, and leave this shit fest!
I was just looking back and
I was just looking back and reading this post - from me, back in March 2022. It's now August 2024.
My SD moved out in August 2023 - one year ago, almost to the day. She moved away to a big city about 3 hours from us. She has a steady boyfriend, a part-time job and is a full-time college student at a university near where she now lives. When she moved out - a year ago - my wife and I had some very hard conversations. First off, when her daughter(my SD) moved away, she took almost all of her belongings with her. I told my wife that her daughter will not be allowed to live here again - if she does, I am filing for divorce. I told her also that I have zero desire to be in her daughter's life and that I was disconnecting from her entirely. I don't talk to her, I don't ask about her, I don't want to know anything going on with her. I let my wife know that her behavior with her daughter was completely unacceptable - not only to me, but to my wife and our own daughter(who is now going into middle school). And finally, I told my wife that it wasn't me who was troubled - it was actually her, my wife, who had the problem here. My SD has been diagnosed with extreme anxiety and depression, and displays signs of Bipolar Disorder, Narcissitic Personality Disorder and Asperber's Syndrome. And recently, I found out that she has been physically abusing her boyfriend - he confided to me and her mom about the issues. Although he is choosing to stay with her, he did tell us that it was becoming a bigger problem - that her anger is out-of-control at times. He, unfortunately, gets the brunt of it.....and he's not a small guy, he's built like a big truck.
When my SD moved out of our house, I threw away most of what she left. I then completely re-did her room.......scrubbed everything, disinfected all of it, burned candles to get rid of the smell in there, then moved things out....other things were brought in....to make the room more "fun" for us to use. It's no longer "her" room.....it's our new office and play room.
Every so often, my SD does come back into town and spends a few hours with my wife and our daughter. I have almost no contact with her when she is here. However, what little contact I do have, I've noticed she is manipulative with both my wife and my daughter. I've even run interference with my SD and my daughter - reminding my daughter that SHE is the one who makes her own decisions, not my SD. This irks my SD to no end, which I enjoy at this point. There is no love lost between us, at all. My wife and I - after my SD left for good - realized that we only ever argued about one issue and one issue only......her daughter. We were in agreement with almost everything - including things like finances and such. But if her daughter is ever brought up in conversation, we always get into an argument......sometimes very heated arguments. So I decided - after this demon child left - that I would no longer say her name. I did this for one reason - if I didn't say her name, she would never be brought up in conversation with my wife and I. In turn, we would never argue about her. Well....it worked. We don't bring her up, so we never talk about her......and since we never talk about her, we never fight about the subject.
Looking back on my posts regarding my SD - this original post above most of all - I have to say.......if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't. Meaning, I feel a divorce would have been prudent in this scenario. Now that my SD is actually gone - out-of-town, away, not bothering us - things at home for ALL of us are much better.....even our pets are happier. But if I had to go back again, I would have filed for divorce. NONE of this was right - none of this was worth it. I would encourage everyone who is in a situation like this one to take a good hard look at your life, your self-worth and self-esteem.....and ask yourself, is it really worth it? Knowing how much time I lost blaming myself, it's time I can never get back.......wasted time, wasted energy blaming myself. I was dealing with a demon - a girl who has obvious psychological problems with a mother who had a co-dependency issue so severe, our counselor refused to treat her. Things - for our family of 3(myself, my wife and our daughter) - are much better now. But I will never allow myself to be put into that situation again - which is why I told my wife that I would file for divorce if her SD came back to live with us, ever. And I have zero contact with this person at this point - we never talk, never communicate, and she never comes over to our house(my wife and daughter meet her somewhere else whenever my SD comes to town, which isn't frequently). She knows my disdain for her, and knows I don't want her in our home. And as more things come to light - like her abuse towards her boyfriend - the more I realize I wasn't crazy after all. I was made to feel like the outcast here, like I was always in the wrong - like I was the one that needed all the counseling(which I did, 4 years worth). In reality, that proved to be wrong. Gaslighting can do enormous damage to people. But, at the time, I didn't even know that was a "thing".
Again, I encourage anyone in this situation, look at your life and ask yourself.....is it really worth it? Yes, my marriage is much better now - the best it has ever been. But I had to go through a personal nightmare for 13 years to get there. And this demon child - not worth dealing with her. I say good riddance to that one.
Great update!
Im glad its working out better for you.
Yeah, IM 10 years in and the SD18 Princess Powersulk Do Nada is still around, but SD25 Feral Forger, well she moved out 7 years ago and never was allowed back.
Its definitely a soul-suck and I always advise to really think if this is the life people want for themselves.
WOW, Sd does sound like a demon! Glad shes not with you and yours, but theres always that possibility that something will happen and your wife will weaken. Just be prepared.
Thank you so much - your
Thank you so much - your situation and perspective are very meaningful to me. Thank you. Yes, I would advise most people getting into a situation like this one to really re-examine everything. If I had known what I was getting into years ago, I would not have done it. The one blessing is my daughter - she is the greatest, sweetest person I have ever met. But I do look at the time when my wife and I were separated, and she filed for divorce - back in 2020. I was devastated. I had no idea either that she had been having an affair. And I knew even less that it was my SD who had planned out the whole thing, telling her mom how much better their lives would be if I weren't in it. This went on for 3 years before my wife pulled the plug on the marriage, and I was forced to move out. The reconciliation process was brutal. In fact, I look back at those times I realize that I should not have been such a wet noodle about the whole thing. If it were to happen today, the divorce would have happened as soon as possible - because I will never go through that again, especially with my SD. I told my wife, if the SD comes back, the marriage is over. She realized how serious I was about it - and that I was ready to start divorce proceedings immediately. I think that startled her, so she worked to repair the damage. And one of the conditions was that I never want that demon of a child to live here again - that's the deal breaker. The other thing was that I never wanted contact with her, ever. I told her my SD was a nightmare to deal with, and I didn't deserve any of what had happened.
WAIT what?
So she cheated on you too? On top of all the other mental and verbal torture?
WOW.
Well I hope you manage to get away from her eventually.
Then all the yelling by DW makes sense.
It's well known that cheaters will act irritable and rude after they've been on a date with their affair partner. Part of it is hiding their tracks, and part of it is being too gutless to leave, so they're essentially forcing the hand of their spouse to make that decision, so that the cheater can see themselves as the righteous one ("see, I was right to cheat, he's an a-hole anyway"). Still, the gall to cheat and then to subsequently abuse! I do hope that the OP meets someone as kind and dedicated as him. I'm sure at the moment he thinks his wife is the best that's available to him, but there are plenty good and kind women without this dark and conniving side that would be thrilled to have his company.
Chump Lady
I read chumplady.com every now and then - and its part of that whole DARVO thing...
Yes, OP - there are super nice women out there, you can do MUCH better.
I’m very relieved for you!
Your posts were a horror to read. I was hoping you'd find peace somehow in the end. My SSs act like demons towards each other and their father (my partner), but are always reasonably respectful with me, even though I'm no softie. At least in that way I'm blessed.
My sister has a young adult stepdaughter, whom she also has a superficially good relationship too, and the girl is even graduating from medical school this year (inspired by my sister, as none of her parents are medically minded), but deep down my sister can't stand the girl for the many lies that she carefully crafted, which took years to come out, and for constantly using everyone for money. Once she came back from a beautician as as teenager and said: "I got a massage and a face cream, it was $400, can I get that back please?" and my sister was so stumped she actually obliged (we never encountered anyone like that growing up, and would not have imagined this behaviour was even an option, plus we grew up in poverty). I had a stern word with my sister and she put in firm boundaries immediately after that, thankfully, making all expenses for the SD her DH's responsibility. But I'd argue that by supporting her excesses he was taking money away from his family.
Also, my sister took her in for the last year in high school, I think, because the girl was spinning stories of being the only one having to scrub the whole house at her mother's who had a new family (kind of like Cinderella), having her face shoved into porridge for taking extra fruit etc.). All of this turned out to be completely made up, as when she moved in, it became obvious that she didn't know how to hold a dust cloth, wouldn't shower for days, she and her room stank, and even now when she visits for a week on holidays, the room acquires a thrift store smell and has to be scrubbed to get rid of it.
On top of it all, she recently got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, AKA devil's incarnate to anyone who gets close to this person. You can't treat and you can't fix this disorder, it wreaks havoc on the person's life as well as on anyone who crosses their path. My sister is disengaged, and sounds like you've done it successfully too . Congratulations.
YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!
YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!
I am the female version of you. I even have a DD24 with my DH. DH and I are in our fourth year of intensive individual therapy each for ourselves with different therapists, and in marital therapy with yet a different therapist. Our marriage is a million times better but the years that DH and SD35 were obsessed and enmeshed were soul-destroying. I had zero self worth because I had a horrific childhood and always thought that everything was my fault. That left me running in circules tring to "fix" myself so that if I became good enough and finally got it right as a wife, SM, etc. I would no longer be treated the way I was and I'd be valued. I fell for DH's gaslighting and his failure to acknowledge anything. While things have completely changed now, I still regret all the years I wasted and how I had no self worth at all. I even got bullied at work for a number of years because my self worth tanked when I got involved in this damn blended family.
My DH knows damn well that he MUST put me first, stop worshipping SD, and even acknowledge what she does or I'm out. Unfortunately, she reporduced, so she has SGS3 and I warned DH that I will not start the process all over again. DH has straightened up because it did look like he was getting caught up in the grandchild obsession. DH knows that I started an escape plan a few years ago and if he doesn't remain on his best behaviour when it comes to SD, I will fly the coop pronto.
But, yeah, it wasn't worth it. Yes, I have a marriage that lasted almost three decades, but at what cost? It wasn't worth it.
I posted an update blog about my SD having an affair with a married man with kids, so she's not doing well and she's starting to pay the piper. She fell in love with her affair partner and he refuses to leave his wife for her, and DH is aware of this affair. I have disengaged from a contantly tantrumming brat who, at age 3, I already don't like. DH must babysit at SD 's place because I won't have my peace disturbed in my home.
I know what you mean about never putting yourself in such a position again because I was recently part of taking down my bully. I will no longer stand for such horrendous treatment. I am a fan of applying the FAFO program.
Good on you for telling your DW that if your SD were to move in again you will file. Good for you for never mentioning SD's name. I do that too. When DH brings up SD or SGS, I don't even answer. Same as you and your DW, we don't fight when there's no talk of SD or SGS.
Thanks for the update!
It sounds like your sd has a
It sounds like your sd has a number of factors leading to her current behavior in your home. I would guess she has a neuro difference of some sort; a genetic disposition for control (dad's side); she has been controlled by her dad in his home and has a mother who refuses to deliberately upset her. So she expresses her need for independence (that she is likely deprived of in her dad's home) by being overly controlling in her mother's home. As this has never been corrected by her mother it has just escalated over the years.
All that is to say that I doubt there is much that can be done at this stage to change your sd, defiantly nothing you do will change her.
Maybe your wife could do something if she really wanted, but it seems she doesn't want to.
So your only option left is to change your actions. You could move out again and attempt to remain married living apart. Or move out and divorce and move on with your life. Live with things as they are (which sounds really stressful and is likely bad for your health and not healthy for your daughter). A final option could be to go on strike. Stop doing anything that isn't for you or your daughter. Just because you work from home doesn't mean you have to be the housekeeper. Rent an office space elsewhere or work from the local library if working from home becomes impossible. If your wife doesn't respect you enough to stick up for you or ask her kid to pick up after herself then she doesn't deserve your efforts at keeping a nice house. This could be a bit of a nuclear option. It could drive change, or it could just blow everything up.