H draws pictures of the family, and says I am dead.....
Okay, I don't know how normal this is or not, but my 5 year old SS has this thing, when he gets angry with me, where he will draw a picture of the family, his dad, my son, him, and he will either leave me out entirely and tell people I have fallen in a hole forever, or that I died, or that I went to live somewhere else forever, or he will draw me off to the side and tell people I am dead. This only happens when he has been in trouble with me, like he was for running out into the street. I am not sure if this is normal for a 5 year old who's mother has been in and out of his life since he was an infant and really did go to live somewhere else (and did not see him at all for months on end) and who lost his great-grandfather this time last year and so has experienced a death in the family that makes him curious about death at a young age. Or is this a serious issue that I should be concerned about? He has said things before, like when he grows up he is going to shoot my son and I, and I have had to try to explain to him how inappropriate comments like that are. He can also be violent, though he has been worlds better in the past few months, he has only had one incident in the last four months, and that was when he bit my son for putting away one of SS toys.
ALl of this adjusting is so hard, and my FDH is the CP so it isn't ike I only have to deal with this on the weekends. I am overwhelmed right now because I am trying to adjust to new family life while I am in the midst of being a custodial step mom. My son never had these violent streaks, never talked about people being dead. Even as angry as my son gets aabout his father not being part of his life, he doesn't wish the man any harm and never has. I don't get it, but I feel my SS would benefit from some counseling...
Children do and say things
Children do and say things when they are angry that they don't really yet have the ability to comprehend in terms of emotional/psychological impact on others. I don't think he's necessarily trying to hurt your feelings, even though I'm sure it does; it's more likely that he's upset and this is his way of expressing his feelings. He's mad at you, so he wants you to be gone. I remember telling my mom I wished she were dead at a young age (4,5,6); I didn't mean it.
However, if this behavior continues into the tween years, then probably start watching more closely. The flip side of the coin in my story is that one of my younger brothers also used to tell my mom he wished she were dead. At about 8 or 9 he actually started trying to hurt her, and I truly believe that if he'd had the chance he would have killed her.
My initial thought was if it
My initial thought was if it were me I would draw a pic of the family with him to the side and hang it on the fridge or some place I knew he'd see it. When he sees it reacts to it, simply ask him how it makes him feel to see the pic. If he gets angry and tears up the paper and runs away or whatever just say that that is how his pics of the family makes you feel. Leave it at that and see if he continues. He might ramp it up or he might have learned a basic life lesson - his actions affect others around him.
Maybe this is strange, but,
Maybe this is strange, but, it doesn't really hurt my feelings as much as it just seems odd to me, because I have never experienced it with my son. Given everything that SS has been thru, and the lack of stability and guidance he has been given, I am inclined to believe that it may not be a huge red flag, just something to watch. I am sure going from no discipline or expectations at all to living with a pretty strict stepmom who stays on top of behavior is hard for him, and he probably does wish I would just go away, LOL. I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this before.
I agree with the others in
I agree with the others in that this is not normal but not to the point where he needs professional help. He does if it gets worse.
You said he's shown improvement in at least one area of problems and my guess would be this will spread.
As a step-parent of almost 50yo step-kids my advise to you is to stay out of the kids life as much as possible. Dad is the displinarian and enforcer of rules. Unless he's beating up on someone or lighting fires the less you interfere with his life the happier you'll be.
That is creepy. SS never
That is creepy.
SS never includes me in drawings either - sometimes he includes my daughters but never ever me. I am not family - this is reinforced by BM and not corrected by DH. Therefore I do not exist in his world.
I would ask your SO if he thought a child of yours indicating SO was dead would be a call for action or not? The kid needs help.
One of my friends refers to my SS6 as 'Chucky' - you know, the doll that kills people - he never shows remorse and he worries what will happen to me when SS6 becomes a teenager, if I will someday be in danger.
Good thing your SS has you in
Good thing your SS has you in his life
He must be confused about the mother role thing, poor kid. My thought as to why he may be doing this, people can lash out on the ones they love most. He is to young to understand that but perhaps he feels safe you & is afraid that you are going to abandon him.
With the pictures, that would be a chance for your husband to talk about it with his son. When kids are drawing, they are expressing whats on their mind. He should not be punished for it & his dad could take him to counseling with the drawings.
"As a step-parent of almost
"As a step-parent of almost 50yo step-kids my advise to you is to stay out of the kids life as much as possible. Dad is the displinarian and enforcer of rules. Unless he's beating up on someone or lighting fires the less you interfere with his life the happier you'll be."
I appreciate your advice, I leave it to FDH to handle discipline and parenting of SS5 as much as possible. However, since I do have him a great deal if my FDH has to work overtime (Like he is today) I insist on being able to parent SS the same as I do my DS, simply because I will not have him thinking he can disrespect me until his father gets home. I can see such great improvement in SS since I have started parenting him as I do DS. In fact, before I agreed to marry FDH I told him that being able to parent SS as I do DS was part of the deal, especially since FDH is the CP. I was not going into a relationship as a babysitter with benefits. I don't try to replace SS's mother, that isn't possible. I don't expect him to love me like a mother or see me as a mother, he isn't my son. Maybe someday we will both feel differently towards each other, but right now, I just don't have the same affection for him as I do my own child. I love him, but it is like I loved the kids at the daycare I used to work for. I simply expect him to show me respect as an adult in his life, like he shows respect to his daycare providers or Sunday school teachers.
"He must be confused about the mother role thing, poor kid. "
I am sure he is, His BM has been so unstable for him, she was back and forth with my FDH for three years, and then not long after she left permanantly FDH started seeing another woman that he brought around SS immediately. I am certain he is waiting for me to leave as well, because that is all he knows. That is why I wonder if he should have counseling, becuase he has had so much turmoil in his little life. I feel that having someone to talk to who knows how to help a child process feelings and such couldn't hurt him.
We don't use the word
We don't use the word "family" here since we have 4 teenage boys, we use the word "unit". We also say that SO and me are the adults and both will be listened to respectfully. I know it's different with little kids and then adding yours/mine and then the ours. But for us the word family doesn't get used and even "brothers" or "sisters". When I first met SO he took me to one of his family functions and one of my ss's great aunts asked him how it was to have 3 more siblings. He completely shut down for the rest of the day until we left to go home and SO was able to talk to him how others don't understand what we are and how we are together.
I asked my 14 bs yesterday what he would do if he was living with his dad full time and his dad's girlfriend moved in full time into the house. He said he wouldn't feel at home for a long time if ever in his dad's house anymore. Most kids have a hard time adjusting to a new "parent figure" let alone the new "siblings".
I really like that - a UNIT.
I really like that - a UNIT. What a great way to describe the new clan of people living together. When we start to say family, it does put pressure on everyone as if we are expected to have the same bond as the first family. History is being made as there is isn't much at the beginning which helps bond people (family) together. Kudos.