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Golden uterus BM's and adult kids - boundaries

Ohsoconfused's picture

I am a divorced BM with adult kids who live far away and our relationship is loving and respectful of each other's privacy. My ex is cordial in his occasional contact - we agreed long ago to drop any animosity and be civil for sake of extended family. I DO NOT expect special treatment just because I an the BM. We basically function as equal but separate parents for purposes of graduations, weddings, grandchildren etc. my Ex's GF has no kids so she dotes on my grown kids. I figure it is just another auntie relationship for them since I will always be their real mother and I was never considered a problem personality by any of them.

My dilemma is now that in seeking a next partner for the next stage of my life, most of the "good" divorced dads I meet have their BM on a golden uterus pedestal to the point where they seem incapable of setting healthy boundaries around privacy, contact etc. They instead listen to what the grown skids demand in terms of trying to live in the past (with BM still allowed to bitch out DH).

This kind of refusal to move on leaves no soace for a new partnership. Is it best to walk away when the baggage is like this. How do you test out a guy's attitude towards a second partner without wasting months on it. Oh...asking them outright gets vague answers usually.

My most recent failure on this front was a guy whose ex / kids BM cheated on him and publicly humiliated him, but he STILL walks on eggshells around her, in "fear of angering her" and "because shes my kids' mom and its not their fault". WTF? Am I wrong to point out that telling her to STFU with her personal jibes (usually sent by text) is OK to do since her comms have nothing to do with the kiddies?

SugarSpice's picture

welcome to the site. sadly, this is the way most divorced dads happen to be and even those with adult children. as for the cheating part, my husband was a tiptoeing coward around his ex until the skids were eighteen. divorce usually robs a man of his testicles.

only you can decided if this is acceptable or not. not everyone is ok with being number two in a marriage, but the sad truth is that many men put their children before their wives.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Spend some time reading the blogs - you will find the answers to your questions. Sugar is right, it seems to be the norm - even with grown kids. My advice would be as soon as you see the pattern go ahead and bail. Not sure how you can "test" for it - maybe just be super attentive to how he deals with BM and the kids.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Hello and welcome! I don't think there is a magic formula, you have to invest
the time and develop powers of observation. I have been married twice to men with
baggage- i must be a glutton for punishment - and my first step situation
was so peaceful i assumed it was the norm and walked into the second one
way too optimistically.

If i were to do it again i would not choose to be with a man whose ex is
crazy no matter how good he is at setting boundaries. It's just not worth it.

You seem to be very aware of the potential pitfalls - good luck screening
out the undesirables! Come back and tell us more Smile

ETA. I read your bio where you say the ex is Cluster B.
That is what i have on my hands also. It will not get better,
she will not do the civilized thing you and your ex are doing.
If you can cope with hostility, go ahead. If not, run for
the hills. My DHs ex alienated his grown kids
after we got married. His remarriage will set off such
fireworks as to illuminate the entire county...
She will feel threatened and start lashing out.

May be you are not planning on marrying... Still, proceed with caution.