Forced to live with step children
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A few months ago my boyfriends ex died and his 3 teenage sons had to come live with us. It's been complete chaos for me and they have taken over my entire house. I have no privacy anymore and my relationship is failing. This situation has quite literally ruined my life.
A heap of questions - sorry!
Is the house entirely yours? Is there enough space for all of them? Are they still in school? What does your bf think of their behaviour? Has there been any attempt at establishing order? Do they do chores? Are they respectful towards you? Do they respect your space, your privacy?
I lived in this house first,
I lived in this house first, he moved in and we've lived here for 8 years. There is enough bedrooms but the house is very small. The only place I can go or keep my things is the bedroom. They have taken up every inch of the house including the garage. One of them is in school the other ones are fresh out of high school. Bf puts them first and always will. There is no order, they do no chores, they are some what respectful but I do not have any privacy anymore and my house is a disgusting mess. I do not want kids, never have and never will. I knew getting into this relationship years ago was a bad idea but unfortuneatley I didn't go with my gut and now I'm stuck in this awful situation I can't get out of. My house is no longer my home and my mental health is declining rapidly.
By fresh out of high school,
By fresh out of high school, do you mean they graduated almost a year ago (May 23?) If so, what is their plan for growing up? Are they in school? Do they work? Seems like 2/3 could move out and that would help. Also, do they "hang out" in common spaces (like video games in the living room or just plopping in the kitchen between mealtimes? That could be stopped as well. Hanging out is done in their room or outside. And your bedroom must always be kid-free.
No school, no work. One of
No school, no work. One of them is disabled. Their father babies them. He does everything for them. All his free time is spent on them. Mornings are for catering to them with breakfast and making their lunches, evening is for making them all different dinners because they won't eat the same thing. Clean up and bed time. It's ridiculous
So, he has no time left for
So, he has no time left for you. I sincerely hope you are not paying half of the bills.
I'm inclined to say he should find a place where he can live with his kids. Why should you have to live in this chaos? You don't have to split up, just live separately.
Zero time for me at all. It's
Zero time for me at all. It's like we're not even together. We might as well just be roommates who hate each other. I haven't felt this horrible since I was a teenager living in an abusive household. I left home at 12 and never looked back. My home is my only place I feel safe and that has just been taken away from me. I have no where to go... it also doesn't help that I can't save anything because I am paying for half of everything.. and the bills have skyrocketed with 3 extra people in the house. The utilities are now way more than I can afford but I'm still paying half! I have zero extra dollars to spare now each month.
Stop that immediately! There
Stop that immediately! There are 5 of you living there full-time. You should only be paying 20% of the bills and rent. Time he stepped up and paid for his responsibilities. Do not back down. Never forget that you owe his kids absolutely nothing. Not a cent. So STOP paying for them.
Start looking for the cheapest flat you can get, stop paying his bills and leave. And yes, I know it's easier said than done.
Do you have any friends you could stay with just to get away from this nest of leeches.
I don't want to pay for them,
I don't want to pay for them, but I have no choice if he only sends me half of the money .... everything comes out of my accounts
He’s financially abusing you.
You never signed up for this, you might be offering some leeway temporarily seeing that these kids are grieving, but your partner should be making it extra convenient for you. How about him paying for 100% of the bills at the moment to compensate for you doing him a favour that is putting you through crap?
Gosh, this guy has a nerve to lump you in with his problem and ask you to pay for it!
I too come from an abusive household, so my home is my sacred space and I wouldn't tolerate my BF's kids moving in (even though they're tweens and I have a fairly good relationship with them, but they're full on and possibly ASD/ADHD).
At least in our case, it was in fact my boyfriend who said that he needs to get their behaviours under control with meds and otherwise before we all move in together, because he's well aware that we would end up in a situation like yours and it would cost us our relationship.
Can you take a week or so away with a supportive friend to cool down and have a conversation with him to redefine the boundaries? I.e., I've helped you out, but this is my limit now, the options are to find them home elsewhere and we can still have contact with them, or, if you feel they need you to look after them (esp. the disabled child), then we need to live separately (and he also needs to compensate you for moving costs, breaking contract and similar).
Also, open a separate joint account ASAP for bills only and ensure all payments come out of that, with yours being only 20%.
Welcome to Steptalk!
Theres a lot of information missing. Rather than ask a bunch of questions, why dont you try writing out as much as you can - it will probably help immensely and then you get it all out "there", and its either a vent sesh or a searching post or a what can I do detail it out thing.
Glad you are here and am not glad, sorry you are going through this.
Sounds like you maybe should rethink if this is the relationship for you...
Yep, provide us a bit more to
Yep, provide us a bit more to see if we have insight or wisdom from our collective pasts. Welcome!
So sorry that happened. I
So sorry that happened. I think it is most step parents worse nightmare.
It is truly a nightmare. My
It is truly a nightmare. My own personal hell actually. I have never wanted kids and now I have no where to go. My job is stressful, I used to go home and relax and enjoy myself, now I'm locked in a bedroom. I don't even like venturing out because my house is no longer my home. It's filthy and their stuff is everywhere. I haven't had access to basically my entire house since they moved i because I can't stand being there anymore
Whose house is it? If yours,
Whose house is it? If yours, you don't need to go anywhere. They do if your DH can't make some changes.
This is a problem for DH to
This is a problem for DH to solve. If he wants to subsidize his young adults, then he needs to do so on his own dime and in his own SPACE. Even if that means he moves out of a house that was originally yours. Did you ever add DH on the deed to the house?
He tells me to leave funny
He tells me to leave funny enough. He says if I can't handle it then I need to move out
Whose name is on the lease?
Whose name is on the lease?
Both of ours now and he just
Both of ours now and he just added the kids
Also , I'm the first one to
Also , I'm the first one to leave in the morning and the last one to come home at night. I never even get a chance to have the house to myself anymore. I go from the bedroom to work and back and that's it. My life literally has been ruined by these kids. My bf has made promises to me that never happened, we had a life plan 5 years ago to relocate, well guess what? The 5 years is now and we didn't relocate and now I'm living in my worst nightmare with no money or help to escape . I would run so fucking far away if I could.
His ex has been ruining our
His ex has been ruining our lives. She's always been involved and all his money has always gone to her. I was counting down the days until they were all 18 and we could move on and finally start our life together.... but the universe had other plans and now she's dead and not only are the kids still taking all his money, they are now taking mine.
I am so sorry
I am so sorry
I agree, stop paying such a large portion of the bills. HE is fully financially responsible for his kids, you are not.
Does bf now get a GVT death benefit each month for the minor children? And/or a gvt supplement for the disabled child? You may want to snoop around on line OR ask friends who may know that answer.
You may have way out of the lease IF you didn't sign a new one. I am not sure what your laws are there about unilaterally changing the terms of a lease (adding his kids on now) without you signing a new one. Usually a new one must be drawn UP and all parties responsible must sign.
Maybe move back with your parents or a relative for short term.
Check your laws about BF telling you to leave...Here again, a lease was signed. HE can not just boot you out.
Sorry, this is such a mess
This is a terrible situation.
This is a terrible situation.
By "lease" I presume you mean you rent the house rather than own it?
If you do actually own it, how did he get his name/kids names on the title?
I advise you to contact a Women's Refuge and get help, ASAP.
They will be able to help you. You MUST take that step - do it now to preserve your sanity.
This awful guy is subjecting you to emotional and financial abuse.
I would talk to your landlord
I would talk to your landlord and see what your options are for exiting the lease and if they have any smaller properties in your price range. Landlords in general would rather be flexible and know what is happening than be left in the dark and surprised when rent isn't paid or tenants move out.
Then I would consider asking your boyfriend for a lump sum to cover any furniture you bought or contributed to that you'll be leaving behind or just start selling your stuff that you don't want to move. Don't forget to negotiate with him and get a portion of any security deposit you paid. I would also tell your boyfriend that you will no longer be contributing any more than what you did prior to his kids moving in. Don't feel bad about it. As I see it The only person without more money is you. Did the boys have inherited anything from their mom? Or was there an insurance policy? They may well be able to contribute using some of those funds. And as your boyfirend is no longer paying child support then he should have more money to cover their costs.
Yes, start with your landlord
Yes, start with your landlord! Many moons ago before DH, I moved out of an apartment I shared with a BF at the time. I talked to the leasing office and because I was listed as an occupant instead of tenant, I had no financial obligations. Huge relief! I was able to move out without breaking a lease and did not owe any money. Most of the mutal items I chalked up to a loss because I wanted to get out ASAP. This would be a good starting point for who to talk to before paying for a lawyer.
First and foremost, if you
First and foremost, if you have a joint account, separate your finances immediately. Open a new account and use it for your salary . Transfer only your share of the bills into the joint account - not a penny more .
DH puts them first and always
DH puts them first and always will....
Kick them all out and get on with your life. Your mate puts you and relationship first. PERIOD DOT!!!
That he doesn't, makes him a write off and he can take his invading spawn with him.
smh
Invading spawn lmaoooooo. I
Invading spawn lmaoooooo. I needed that laugh. They are invading spawn!!!!! They are like toddlers. They can't do anything for themselves and at that age they should be taking care of themselves. I feel like asking him if he's gunna wipe their asses too. It's actually a turn off. It wouldn't even phase me if I could leave. It's pretty bad when a situation like this comes and it's so terrible that you're ok with just flushing a 10 year relationship down the toilet
Have you cut them off yet,
Have you cut them off yet, have you kicked them out yet, or have you left then to wallow in their shallow and polluted shit puddle of a gene pool?
If not, why not?
It has been 4 days since you recognized them as invading spawn.
What is taking you so long?
Take care of you.
Go to court and get a eviction notice
Give them 60 days to get out. Hard love
If you are renting, it may be
If you are renting, it may be easier to leave & just let him have the place & get your own new quiet safe space.
That's what i was thinking.
That's what i was thinking. Maybe search around for someone looking for a roommate. With housing costs so high, there are bound to be others in similar situations. Probably easier to live with than 4 undisciplined man-children who don't pay their fair share. Scrimp and save and stop paying for anything you don't have to until then.
Once you have a living
Once you have a living solution, talk to your landlord to get your name off the lease.
As you're no longer on the lease and you're moving out you shouldn't be paying any of the bills. So remove yourself from them so they'll get cut off at the end of the month .
You can either tell your bf about this or move out with no warning and let him find out for himself or tell him upfront. I know which one I'd do...
Houseshare or Family
Id get out of dodge. Theres nothing for you to work with there, and he and his failed first family atttempts are sucking you dry.
Ask famly, see if you can relocate, do a houseshare...