First Timer, just need to vent
Hi all,
Like most here I've been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. My partner has a daughter(10) who I actually really love. I know that's not the popular narrative here but she's a really good kid and we have a lot of fun together. I'd throat punch someone for her, to put it in perspective haha. I have none of my own but am interested in having one in the future, and SO is down/might want more.
For some background, he and BM were never together. He was young and made a mistake and here we are 10 years later (to be clear I don't feel the mistake is SD, just how she came about). Her sisters did the same thing and got married or have stable-ish (but a criminal in one case) guys, and I guess she thought she'd get him too (nope!). He's a very solid co-parent and is great at setting boundaries and being realistic. Honestly, seeing him in his father role and how he's dealt with the situation makes me respect him much more as a man, especially as a child of a shitty BD and Step-douche. He's not afraid to have hard conversations and is good at putting his foot down when he needs to.
My rant is really the usual "I HATE BM!!". She's a good mom (in most areas, but I'm sure I'll elaborate eventually), but a f*cking loser. She didn't finish high school, from what I've learned couldn't pass her GED, was working at a drive thru when SO and I started dating (among other shitty retail jobs), and begs his parents to buy things like winter tires etc. She hasn't been able to keep a partner or live in anything other than a shitty basement apartment on the outskirts of town and she's financially reliant on baby money. In the last year she did some online qualification and is working as a PSW and acts like she's carrying the whole healthcare system. She wants my SO badly, has made passes at him, and has hung around for 10 years hoping he'll finally realize she's the one. His own mother has said she wishes BM would find someone and get over it. Finally, she's the lapdog of my SO's sister that he's cut out because of all of the drama that she's created for the family, and SD has told me that her mom and aunt spend their time talking negatively about me (aunt is a stylist who does BMs hair).
This has all been irritating to me for a long time, but it's just pissing me off more now that I'm stuck inside I think. We have some limited contact (just regarding SD) and on Monday I asked if there were any scents that bothered her for a Mother's Day gift that SD is working on (this kind of exchange is common with us). At one point she decided to make a point of saying "just so you know I have no problem with you". I saw this and knew I shouldn't have taken the bait, but I'm too direct not to. I said "really? I was wondering about that as you've unfollowed me on all my accounts and can't look at me/respond when I say 'Hi' in my own house.". I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did. I don't like being lied to.
She responses with "yeah I unfollowed you and made SD unfollow you because she doesn't need to see you bumping and grinding all over the floor and neither do I. You're supposed to be a role model for her, not to be a bitch."
To put this in context I do dance classes (jazz funk and contemporary heels) and have posted a few videos to IG. They are mainstream. Not any kind of "exotic" thing that I could actually see being worth a dig. Obviously I know that she's jealous and this is all she's got on me, but it's so frustrating.
A poor role model?
I'm financially independent (very), working on my second Masters Degree, just bought my second house (income property), have a stable relationship, and am really fit.
I KNOW it's all just jealousy but this was a rant post (I warned you haha) and just needed somewhere to say F*CK YOU, YOU DUMB TRAMP!
It was so hard not to respond with "well, I've never let a guy bareback me in a one night stand so... who's the real shit role model?" Or "I finished high school so...". F*UCK OFF!!
Anyways, end rant hahaha. Thanks for listening.
Welcome to ST! Yes this is a
Welcome to ST! Yes this is a safe place to just vomit what's going on. You'll get helpful, honest feedback and also folks who will comiserate with you.
It isn't completely uncommon for SMs to like their Skids. I like my SO's son a lot. He gets on my nervs sometimes but that's normal. As with the BM in your life... good god. she's clearly projecting calling you an unfit role model. She knows you're more educated, mature, and attractive than her. But I still don't blamed being triggered and past your limit.
I agree with Liza. You should just completely cut her off. You aren't obligated to connect with her. Having fluid communication with BMs is a privilege for people who can be respectful. I hate when people say it isn't "adult" if you're blocking a BM. No one should be forced to deal with anyone who is toxic. Let your DH know you're blocking her. Let SD know it's for the best and it has nothing to do with her. You're allowed to block out shitty people and only surround yourself with healthy relationships. Do you!!
Thanks so much! I was
Thanks so much! I was hesitant to post about it as I really do love SD. I think what's really helped in this situation is that my SO is incredibly realistic with the situation and isn't snowed by BM at all, and SD isn't one of those horrible cases I've been reading about (the Mini wife or similar things). I haven't blocked her, but I've muted her ability to message me etc. for now.
Welcome to the site!
Remember one thing above all others - do NOT communicate with the BM! I know it's tempting to defend yourself but just don't. I know that for 18 yrs the BM in my life has been badmouthing me to her daughters and I know that it still goes on. I don't allow it to upset me in the slightest. If that's how they want to spend their time good luck to them. Come on here and have a rant when you want but just don't give BM the satisfaction of knowing she's riled you.
Yes for sure!! I'll never let
Yes for sure!! I'll never let her know. If anything I think I'm going to be posting *more* dance videos, muahahaha.
Why is she even allowed
Why is she even allowed inside your home?
How old is SD?
I should have clarified, it's
I should have clarified, it's not "in the house" as much as at the front step etc. She used to step inside the entryway, but I think my partner may have said something about how she was acting without me doing anything (he's proactive like that) because she hasn't set foot inside since.
What the hell is BM doing in
What the hell is BM doing in your home? She won't say hello to you in YOUR home? Really? Banning her from your home solves this problem permanently. An X has zero business in the home of their own X and that X's partner. Ever. Period... dot. And WTF is your SO doing interfacing with this skank whore of an X at all? That crap needs to stop. The only interface should be around transfer or SKid for visitation. Again, period... dot.
You should have voiced your mental response. Financial, academic and character superiority are all great tools in winning the seemingly never ending battle with a toxic blended family opposition. That BM interprets your artistic dance chops as the equivalent of stripping just bares her ass as the toothless uneducated moron that she is. You are setting the example of a confident, independent, financially, academically and relationally successful woman for SD. Keep up the great work.
And... enjoy rubbing BM's nose in the smelly spot on life's carpet that her pathetic life represents.
My DW is a former 16yo and pregnant teen mom who booted the serial statutory rapist SpermIdiot out of her her life when he cheated on her with yet another 16yo before my DW turned 18 when my SS was less than a year old. Rather than drop out of HS, my DW completed HS with her class with honors, went on to a dual major BS with honors, an MBA with honors and has a very successful career as a CPA. We married the week before SS-27 turned 2yo a few months after I completed my Engineering undergrad. Between us my DW and I have completed two MBAs, her dual major BS and a professional certification each since we married. We both have had notably successful careers. We set the example of character, education focus, performance focus and mutually respectful loving adult equity life partnership for our son. SS-27 asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.
The SpermIdiot... went on to spawn three more also out of wedlock sex trophies with two more baby mamas (one who was yet another statutory rape victim) that he pawned off on her parents to raise with no help from him as his parents (SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa) paid his CS obligation for my SS. He spent the majority of the CO years as a voluntarily under employed plumber in the mistaken perspective that it would minimize his CS obligation. Nope, as my DW got promotions and raises.... his CS went up even when the SpermIdiot's income didn't change. Gotta love the income shares model that most states use for CS calculation.
So, play the cards you have loaded your deck with as you and SO model a quality life for SD. Toxic people like this BM get bent all out of shape with people who live quality lives. That sure was the case with my son's SpermClan. My son is doing great. And that is our greatest marital accomplishment.
Living well is the best revenge. Enjoy exacting your revenge and rubbing BM's nose in her pathetic life as you and her dad set the example for SD.
Welcome by the way. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful advice and persective from others who are living the blended family adventure.
Have fun!!!!
Thanks!! That's definitely
Thanks!! That's definitely what I'm thinking, I'll just keep living my life and I'm sure the self-deprecation of watching my SO be with someone of equal footing is killing her. Since I made this post she went off about me to some members of his family and it hugely backfired on her (as I've always been nice/mature about her, SD, and the situation). She made herself look like a downright fool and I think it actually really surprised them as of course she's always played the perfect little single mom role to them (because she wants them in his ear telling him to choose her, apparently). SO wasn't surprised at all and was like "well, now you see the sh*t I've been dealing with for years."
#win
Hi All,
Hi All,
Thanks so much for the feedback and I agree, it's not worth it to be interacting with her. I'm currently training as a Family Therapist, and one of the primary things they tout in theory is that it's best for the parents in these situations to have a courteous relationship/be able to interact at a basic level etc., but I can' tmake it happen on my own. I think maybe theory needs to identify this as a "best case" scenario because damn...I wouldn't want anything above that, I can barely stand thinking about her, let alone playing friendly for anything other than 3 seconds. My feeling is if she doesn't want to interact I will be the one opening the door and handing over the bags etc., and if that makes her uncomfortable she can wait in the car on the street. Her choice, but I'm definitely not going to hide in my own house if she comes to the door, or have her act like I don't exist when she's standing on my property. We'll see how it goes.
I refuse to have any contact
I refuse to have any contact with BM. In the beginning I made every effort, talking with her when I saw her, not judging her based on SOs personal feelings towards her. Texting her if I felt there was something she deserved to know as the other primary parent.
Well, that blew up in my face as she spent every minute bad mouthing me to SKs as well as other people. It's the same here, she dislikes that SO and I have a great relationship and her relationships are disastrous. She dislikes that I am independent and successful and she has spent her whole life looking for a man to take care of her. Which has not worked out as a good life plan for her. We are the same age and she has 6 kids with 5 different fathers, the youngest being 3 and her attempts to trap a man with pregnancy has failed miserably and that ship has also sailed for her as she cannot have any more kids. She doesnt have a HS diploma so her employment options are limited. Time has not been kind to her so using her looks to get a man is also no longer and option and well she is a lunatic so having a man fall in love with her for her winning personality is also not in the cards for her.
I find her disdain for me laughable. Especially since she believes that she is so important, I may actually care what she thinks about me. I wanted to do the right thing in the beginning but lesson learned.
I respond the same way with OSD when she makes it a point to tell me how much she dislikes me, because she is on team mom.
I tell her flat out she says these things to me as if I care what she or her mother thinks. Opinions are like a-holes everyone has one.
I think this is a good way to
I think this is a good way to look at it. I feel like my situation is extra loaded as the entire family is super close, and I do worry that if I were to actually block her etc. it would look bad on me. Regardless, he's made up with his sister and now everyone is aware of the crap she's been saying. It's made her look incredibly foolish and the rest of the family is unimpressed. So, for now I'm sitting exactly where I am and will let her self-destruct. *angel*