Financial contributions to partners children.. is it a girlfriends duty??

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Hi guys,

First off I’m a newbie so forgive me if I’m repeating a topic previously discussed! Today I google searched a question regarding surviving as a step parent which lead me here & thought i’d pose my questions/concerns here to women who understand & give realistic advise/opinions

So I’ve been dating my guy for almost a year and he has two kids from two different women, I don’t have any atm. Both children live with their mothers. We don’t live together and no plans to just yet.

So my dilemma starts around his second baby mother, she is sour as hell!! They were never actually in a relationship and she got pregnant on purpose (I won’t put details out on here but its unfortunately true). She has demonstrated she has no respect for any relationship he has or had.

Anyway my partners 2nd baby mother is asking him for more financial support to what they previously agreed. I believe this is out of spite because he’s in a happy relationship and we recently went away together. So he has explained to her that it’s hard for him atm to increase and compromised to meet her halfway. She has then brought my name into the convo demanding that if I’m a so-called good woman he should ask me for the money to pay for his half of the childs nursery fees and that if I’m a decent woman I will give it to him. She also thinks that I’m (or any other woman) is of no use if they are not helping in financial struggles with his child.

He has never asked me to contribute and he feels it’s a subject I have nothing to do with, I agree.

I just want to know as a girlfriend do you think that you should be financially supporting your partners child when both the mother and father are healthy AND working??
Have you ever contributed to things such as childcare for your partners child?

I don’t feel it is my place to pay for such things as nursery and her statement is quite ludicrous. If I was his wife then maybe that could be a discussion. I just think this is a woman being difficult, or am I wrong??

Even if you were married -

Even if you were married - you have ZERO financial obligation to other peoples children. It makes as much sense as your next door neighbour demanding you pay nursery fees for their child. You are legally a stranger to your boyfriend's child. Mom and Dad need to pay for their own offspring.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That child is not your responsibility! And I am sure EVERYONE here will tell you NO!

Oh and welcome by the way!

No he doesn't have a court

No he doesn't have a court order with the 2nd just the 1st..unfortunately.

He hasn't had any money issues with the 2nd bm until now. The child is 4!

The way I understand it (at

The way I understand it (at least in my state) is that the spouse's income itself isn't counted directly. HOWEVER, if the new wife is making significantly more and clearly covering household expenses such as rent, utilities, ect. Then the DH can be considered to have more available income (since he isn't paying for those expenses) and a larger percent of his income can be expected to go towards CS. It is a change in circumstances and can be factored in, but it sounds like it would be difficult to prove. (MY DH and I have an agreement though, if I hit the lottery, we are promptly filing for divorce lol)

Yes thats a worry of mine,

Yes thats a worry of mine, buying a house together and marriage. eek. She will find anyway to get her greedy hands on other peoples money

My skids BM always says that

My skids BM always says that I should be buying more stuff for the kids. Because I'm rich. I wish. I do finanicially help A LOT with my DH's kids, but I do it because I want to. When I hear that BM is demanding I pay for something, I outright refuse to on princple.

You did not make these kids so you do not have to pay a penny towards their care. BM can cry and whine all she wants. You SO needs to tell her to take it to court. And just keep repeating that. No court is going to tell a girlfriend she needs to support someone elses kids. (BM actually tried to bring this up in court when DH and I first started dating)

Hahahahaha. You are in no way

Hahahahaha. You are in no way responsible for anything having to do with children that he had with other women.

If she was a decent woman, she wouldn't be demanding that another woman contributes financially to her child. Ludicrous!

And I hope your boyfriend is not just handing over cash to this woman and calling it "child support".

Unfortunately I think it was

Unfortunately I think it was a mutual agreement on the monthly amount. She had him round her little finger before I came along even though they weren't together so now she's throwing a fit things have changed!

If he has not been getting

If he has not been getting receipts, specifying that it's child support, that could be a problem.

Welcome to the site, and know

Welcome to the site, and know that you will get good answers from people who've been there done that...and you might also get some honest comments that may get you thinking about your future. You sound as though you might be quite young and idealistic.

Of course you have no obligation to pay for someone else's kids. Heck you aren't even obliged to cook them dinner, let alone look after them. That's all on the parents. This is where you might want to be discerning.

Please consider seriously whether you truly want to make children with someone who has...1. Already made babies with two other women but not had successful relationships that lasted (why)...2. Obligation to support two children who are not yours for the next 18 years (think how that might impact on your own children's quality of life)....3. A crazy babymomma who will always be at the other end of a phone or worse still on your doorstep picking up visiting skids (sounds like a demented, grasping cow), and 4. Even involves you with his conversations with a babymomma...how do you even know what she is saying, this should be between them only and she should have no knowledge of the details of his present relationships.

Sounds like you are pretty early on in your relationship. Take it really slow, observe carefully if you can stomach all the drama. A young childless woman is giving up a LOT to get involved with a guy who has so much baggage already accumulated.

Call me cold hard beotch but if you were my daughter, I'd say just wish them well and set your sights on an easier life.

Thanks for your advice. Yes

Thanks for your advice. Yes all your points are very valid and to be honest if I had known she was crazy I would have run for the hills a year ago.
I know it doesn't sound great that he has two BMs but he is a great partner which is what I'm hanging on to but deep down I know it will bring a lot of stress with little in return. It's hard, however tbh i do feel I should exit the situation.

Welcome I recently joined a

Welcome I recently joined a few months back too. I am with my SO for over a year and he has a son who is 8 no BM in the picture. He has full custody legally and she has very limited rights and has not used them in years.

Any you are no way at all obligated to pay for anything for his kids. I flat out told my SO look I am not responsible for your son financially even once we move in (we are in like 3 months). I told him child care, activities, doctors, food, is all on him not me. We are not married and he is not my kid, I do love his son very much he is pretty great kid and yeah when I am around I pay for the movie or I took him to get a haircut and I paid for that. Little things like that I think is pretty typical for someone to just pay for and not worry. I do that with my younger cousins, niece and nephew.

I look at it like this financially at least, I would not do any less for my SO's son than I would for my own younger relatives when I have them around me. I may do more for my SO's kid eventually but not right now.

Umm NO way are you to pay a

Umm NO way are you to pay a dime toward his children at all,, EVER. Not even after marriage. Not your monkey's not your circus.

I too got blasted by my SS's and their BM for not contributing toward their every want/ need. MSS actually said one reason he hated me was because I didn't go shopping and buy him things. Oh and I didn't make him breakfast when he stayed at our house. Not he was 13 yrs old at the time and slept in until 1-2 pm. But apparently In order to be a good SM to MSS, I needed to buy him presents and make him breakfast. Needless to say, he got neither. And because of his crappy attitude toward me, I have upheld my position to never ever buy him anything. I have not purchased one birthday, Christmas or any gift for him in the 3 years.

Your SO's XGF is a nut job. Talk to your SO about getting a court order for CS and visitation. It will save him tons of future drama.

Welcome to the site ColdFeet!

You are absolutely not obligated to pay for his children and his 2nd BM is obviously crazy. I hate to say it but I agree with a few of the others....RUN!!!! RUN fast and far...if you are only dating and this BM is trying to get you to pay for her child's daycare just imagine what else she will be expecting of you or putting you and your bf through!

Also, he definitely needs an agreement in place ASAP to document what he should be paying and that he is paying because BM will use whatever she can against him!

If you do stay with him be prepared to deal with this crazy BM for the rest of your life!

No he hasn't but the child is

No he hasn't but the child is spitting image of him so definitely his.

I live in the UK so not sure if its any different in our court system but I have a feeling it wasn't done in the courts because she had problems in regards to her stay in the country up until last year. I don't know if that could work in his favor but yes i agree he should protect himself she cant be trusted clearly.

Your last point is something ive thought about and we've discussed. Even though he has been through the process twice none of them were within a loving relationship. One was at the end of a broken one very young and the other was a stupid mistake. So I could be number three knowing this child was cultivated from love. HOWEVER I wouldn't want to bring a child into a situation where the devil woman is running wild in our lives.

Ah yes that's actually an

Ah yes that's actually an issue we are currently fighting over. I don't feel he is putting her in her place firmly enough and so she is continuing to cross boundaries of asking him to do things and this money issue. He says it's just the way she is and will never change but I refuse to accept that!

"He says it's just the way

"He says it's just the way she is and will never change but I refuse to accept that!"

He's right and you do need to accept it.

You can not change other people, you can only change the way you react to them.

She can think, feel and act anyway she wants to. That doesn't mean that you or BF have to listen to, agree with or do anything she says.

Put up boundaries and have consequences when she crosses them. You and BF have to agree and he has to support you.

Hmm I hear you. I guess i am

Hmm I hear you. I guess i am too optimistic that persistence will prevail!

I have spoken to him about boundaries, some we agree some we disagree. I’m given the “it’s for my son” line thrown back at me, but really it’s for her and she happens to be taking her son along so he classes it as for the son.

When you say consequences for crossing them how do you mean? E.g. If she continues to call unnecessarily or ask him for lifts here and there how can he place a consequence on her?

I've seen and heard of some

I've seen and heard of some crazy BM antics, but this one... whoa.

This would rub me wrong on so many levels that I'd most likely end it with this guy. He wouldn't be worth two ball and chain BM's. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Hahahaha. Will the skid be

Hahahaha.

Will the skid be expected to call you mom and treat you like one? Will the skid be expected take care of you in your old age? To remember to call on your birthday?

No? Because you're not the kid's mom?

Please remember and repeat. Not the mom. The kid isn't going to treat you like his mom. The BM isn't going to treat you like you're his mom. Your SO isn't going to treat you like you're his mom. So why on earth would you take on the responsibilities of being a mom?

Heck no you don't financially

Heck no you don't financially support someone else's children! If you want to buy them stuff out of the goodness of your heart.. fine.. but obligated? no.

No Ma`dam, you are not

No Ma`dam, you are not morally or legally obligated to do anything.

One way to find out is to look at the court order. IS your name anywhere on those documents.

Please protect your heart and your money. Currently you are a great catch for an unwed parent who is paying child support one you not married to him so HE has zero obligation to you AND because your willing to OR have considered helping your boyfriend out financially anyyyyy wayyyyyy you cannnnn,,,because your in love.

DONT PAY 1cent...that is daddy and mommy duty to their child. YOu can be the fun lady and ask SO for cash so you can take his little girl for tea.

hahahahaha no and run.

hahahahaha no and run. Seriously, do not marry him or move in with him.

He is also not being too bright not having a court order. She could claim he has not paid child support and he could be on the hook for 4 years of back support.

Nope you have no

Nope you have no responsibility towards those children what so ever.

And if in your shoes, I will not move in with this guy, I will not buy property with this guy, he can barely get through the month with his income, thus you will have to pay all the bills, sorry I will not be dating this guy.

I might stay in the relationship if he files for CS for both woman and that's all they get, not a cent more, make sure the CS states the amount. If there's no CS he can simply stop paying or pay what he can afford and say NO on everything else..

Tell him now... you have nothing to do with those 2 children and you do not want to be involved with either BM, you did not get them pregnant and you do not even want to hear from them or about them. Then start noting down how much money you spend on him, who's paying for dinners, who's paying for movies, if he can't do it 100% then you are wasting your time Hon

UPDATE Thanks everyone

**UPDATE**

Thanks everyone for your responses and support! She won’t be getting a penny from me to help raise her child.. unless she wishes to pay me for it lol

I have never really been involved or asked about the details of his finances with the BMs. And tbh it is only now dawning on me why he would not have already had a court order set up for CS with this witch. I assume it can only be because of her citizenship status which I believe up until last year was not confirmed. Now that she has some sort of right to be in the country the court order could be actioned I guess. I don’t know if she would have rights to claim from the birth if she wasn’t legally a citizen then.

To be honest upon reflection it is a bit disappointing that he is not much firmer with her as he actually holds/held the cards. She has had him well and truly manipulated because she knows he wants to be a good father and didn’t have one himself. That control she had has clearly breeded a lack of respect (on top of her devil syndrome & lazy scrounging attitude).

I will have a discussion with him about the court order for CS and if he isn’t willing to action one we have no future. I have to accept that type of woman will only get worse especially as she sees us progress.

Have you looked at the child

Have you looked at the child support online where you live? I was briefly peeking at the laws/guidelines. Agreements between the two parents, such as what your SO and BM have now, is not uncommon. They can do it that way or through the court. I was surprised to see review of the agreement between parents can be done yearly. There was a calculator to get estimates of what CS should be whether in private agreement or though the court.

It is possible that whether the original private agreement, now that child is older and expenses may be different (such as nursery) that it's time for a new look see and possible adjustment. So I can' say BM is being outrageous in thinking perhaps CS should perhaps change (that is not, however, to say YOU should be contributing).

Why not take a look at the numbers and run the calculator to see what SO is now paying comparing to what calculator says he should perhaps actually be paying. I assume you know your SO's weekly break down of income and any of the credits/allowances he may or may not receive (the things taken into consideration for CS in UK are different than how CS is figured in America, so it all meant little to me in understanding what/how it all meant).

Basically, while you've received good advice on what you've asked would figure and play in the US, you need to really look at your own. But yes, if you are going to stay with this guy you need to know what his finances are, what he should or shouldn't be responsible for as to his children ect.

Keep your personal purse closed to greedy BMs, but do check into what is fair and the normal to what your SO should be doing (or not doing) to support his children properly.

Being honest I don't think

Being honest I don't think the expenses have changed for the nursery. Not during the middle if the school year surely. It just seems all to coincidental that she is brniging me up all of a sudden and telling him not to go on holidays with me if he cant pay what shes asking. Jealousy. But of course as the child gets older things will naturally have to increase and I guess the safest way is to have it in a legal agreement then anything extra has to be asked for nicely, and not from me.

I've found a CS calculator but as i don't know exact earnings to enter as his weekly income fluctuates. Ive put in a minimum that it could be and he is actually paying her more in their agreement than she would get (by my calculations) if it was through the government.

Have you actually heard the

Have you actually heard the BM make these statements with your own ears, or are you relying on what your boyfriend is telling you she said?

Hate to bring this up, but is there the possibility that your BF may be doing some back-door manipulation of you? Maybe HE is the one who would like you to pitch in financially, and he is saying the BM is asking for it.

Some of the things he has said seem very suspicious to me ...

I would keep my eyes and ears open and my wallet shut, if I were you.

We were actually arguing

We were actually arguing about her lack of boundaries and how to get her in check. To explain to me she is ignorant and wont change he told me she has started bringing me into their arguments on things that don't concern me and disrespecting me so I demanded the screenshots of the convo. Its definitely her lol

Yes, correct. Rather than the

Yes, correct. Rather than the government waste their time sorting out CS they would just send her back as she had no rights to even be here. I don’t think anyone WANTS to raise a child alone especially if both parties are fit to do so. Getting her sent away wouldn’t do the child any good.

There are no restrictions on the jobs/hours she can work due to her new citizenship. The only restrictions will be down to her education/experience same as anyone born in this country.

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Financial contributions to partners children.. is it a girlfriends duty??