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Fiancé pays for his ex gf

Ransome3's picture

I am engaged soon to be married ina few months and pregnant with our first child.  My fiancé was in a long relationship before me and they have children together.  There is something that really bothers me and that is she does not work and never has he has always taken care of her and they haven't been together in 3 years and he still takes care of her he pays everything rent, groceries, all utilities plus gives her $1500 for child support and she asks him daily to cash app her money for the kids for $100-300.  He gives her what she wants.  I work.  He pays our mortgage and groceries I pay all the other bills and I never ask him for money.  I asked him if I could take off for 6 months from work when I had our baby his response was do you have enough leave for that.  I'm so upset because I'm going to be his wife and I work and contribute financially but she doesn't work and he takes care of her financially.  He tries to say that he's not taking care of her that he's taking care of his kids and she just gets the perks of that.  Am I right to be upset about this or should I let it go?

Ransome3's picture

He is not technically on child support and never has been legally.  He has told me lots of times that he should put himself on child support because he gives her too much money and it will be less.  But that makes no sense to me because he isn't on child support so he can change the amount he gives her and he's paying all of her bills which has nothing to do with child support anyway.  I feel like he just keeps saying that to me because he wants to continue taking care of her.  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Oh. Hell. No. BM gets the court-determined level of child support that is legal for your area, no more, no less. You have to work and help finance your household but Queen Babymama gets to sit on her throne and eat bon-bons? Something tells me the finances aren't the only area in which he does you wrong. ETA i don't necessarily mean he's cheating but more along the lines of not giving you your proper role in his life and your household. 

Ursula's picture

You're right to be mad.  You're being treated as less important than BM, she has certainly been put on a pedastal.  So why does she get to benefit by not working and their mutual kids have a SAHM, but you will have to work and your child doesn't get a SAHM?  You're getting the short end of the stick.

 

CLove's picture

My eyes are popping out right now!

He pays rent. Around here rents are around 1800-2300/month

He pays utilities. Around here thats about 200/month

He pays Food/Groceries/extras, so around 1,000/month

Thats around 3,500. Thats a full salary's worth. On top of that Child support. And he pays the mortgage where you two live.

He must be a multi-millionaire!!!!! Or a high-level executive. My commentary aside, whats going to happen when you have your baby and things get more expensive? Will YOU be solely responsible for this child you created together?

So - shes not working? And shes getting the free ride? That alone would pi$$ me off. Hes off his rocker to do all that, even if hes a multi-millionaire.

advice.only2's picture

Sounds like you need to break up with him and he will set you up with the same sweet deal his ex is getting, rent, food, utilities and money for your kid.

Maybe marrying him isn't the best idea at this point since he still hasn't figured out his CS situation with his ex, loving somebody and having a baby with them isn't always enough.

Ransome3's picture

He is not a multi millionaire.  He owns his own business.  That's also part of the problem.  He works 7 days a week morning to night.  All because, he needs to make enough money to finance her.  So we hardly get to spend time together.  If he would stop taking care of her he could work less and we'd have time together.  I have also bought over $2000 on buying our babies things.  So now I'm thinking he expects me to financially take care of our child so he can continue taking care of her. 

ESMOD's picture

I'm sorry but.. having a child was his idea... yours... under these circumstances?  Honey, there is absolutely zero way that this was not a pure red flag that he is continuing to fully support another woman.  Why would you want to marry and have a child with someone who does that?  

Here is what I would advise.. not what you likely want to hear.. but I don't think this man is a good partner.

1.  Break up

2.  Have your child and nail him to the wall for child support.

3.  Live your life and next time pick someone who will be a partner and not just a warm body in bed.

 

This guy is supporting his ex.. possibly still having a relationship with her..alll those 7 day a week hours and all.  He is cutting you short to ensure she is taken care of? in what universe is that right.. when he doesn't have any current legal obligation to do that?  He should absolutely officially get a custody order and child support order and cease paying all that extra.. but I bet he won't... and I bet he will turn it into YOU being greedy if you try to make him.

So... get yourself first in line by filing a custody case against him.. his EX hasn't.. and you may just end up better off.. certainly not as great with some dude that wants you to work up to delivery because he can't cover some bills for a few weeks due to paying his "ex" girlfriend's rent.

I'm sure this sounds harsh.. but your situation is pretty bleak.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Why do you want to marry a man who is still supporting another woman? Were they married? If not, he is only legally required to provide child support - so he is choosing to give her money. Think about it, he doesn't want you to quit working unless you will be paid - yet he is willing to support another woman who is choosing not to work.

Please do not marry this man. You might want to look into securing child support for your child when it is born, even if you are still together. You are in a vulnerable position right now because clearly you and your unborn child do not come first to this man.

tog redux's picture

I'm sorry, I know it's hard, but call off the wedding, at least until this guy has a reasonable financial agreement with BM.  He's paying to support her AND her kids and you have to pay for your own baby stuff. You might as well be a single  parent and get court-ordered child support.  And before you say you love him - you will resent him a whole lot in a few years when all this cash is still going out the door, and more, to support another woman and her kids.

JRI's picture

My DH84 was like this, too.  Paid everything for BM ("doing it for the kids"), house payment, utilities, $ for groceries, etc. On top of this, he was paying the kids' health insurance and all incidentals like sports expenses, toys, bikes, etc.  He even bought her a car.  "Poor BM" was a SAHM who didn't work.  This was a huge issue in our early years.  She was free during the day to work because the kids were in school and we had them every weekend but she chose not to.  It took awhile for this issue to resolve.  The kids started being with us more and more (eventually moving in full time) and BM got a husband.  I would not like to relive those days and I feel for you going thru this.

In the perfect world, both parents would work, especially if all kids are in school.  CS should be paid based on state guidelines.  But in our case, BM had never worked, had little or no desire to do so and preferred to live off DH, then later Husband #2.   My DH thought he was doing the right thing and being a good guy and I guess he was but it really impacted our relationship.  I doubt he'd have had the strength to hold the line and say no, anyway.  Sigh.

 

hereiam's picture

He tries to say that he's not taking care of her that he's taking care of his kids and she just gets the perks of that.

That is the lamest thing that I've ever heard. He IS taking care of HER, not just the kids. He can play word games all he wants.

 Am I right to be upset about this or should I let it go?

Oh, you should let something go, alright.

Leave his ass and YOU file for child support.

So now I'm thinking he expects me to financially take care of our child so he can continue taking care of her. 

Not a chance in hell that I would go for that. If you are going to take that deal, what do you need him for? He works all of the time to support her, so what will you get out of this marriage? A lot of resentment, that's what.

Another guy that should remain single because he's too wrapped up with the ex.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Ok, from what i understand from reading this board, the first child that a man is ordered to pay child support on gets the highest amount in some states. That means that if you file before anything is on paper with BM, your child could get awarded max CS. If he really is the type that would let you support yourself and your child while he supports BM and however many of hers he has fathered, you may be best off striking first. This pattern of him supporting her sounds deeply ingrained. Even if he tells you he will get a CO and only pay the ordered CS, do you envision him sneaking money to her? Would he be ok with supporting you as a SAHM in addition to just paying her the court-ordered amount and maybe just a few "extras" for *only* the kids, like sports or braces paid directly to the source and not to her? Is that something you would want? Think about your future and your baby. 

justmakingthebest's picture

100% agree on this. 

If he will not agree to stopping this nonsense and paying a reasonable and court ordered calculation for child support, then you should leave as soon as possible.

File first and go after everything. The judge will ask if he is paying other child support and if it is court ordered- he will say yes he is paying but not ordered- that means you will get to include his whole income. A good lawyer will make sure to include his business income. 

Makes my blood boil seeing a man go broke to finance his ex but won't take care of the woman he is marrying and their child together. Yes, he should be paying something to help support his kids but non stop money grabs is ridiculous!

SeeYouNever's picture

I don't think this is real. But if it is then you don't need a bunch of internet strangers to tell you how messed up this is,.

Rags's picture

Have an attorney ready to file for CS while you are in labor. The first kid to get a CO often maintains a superior position  regarding CS  money for the duration of that child's life as a minor.  Since BM has no CO or CS order... get yours filed first.  Do not let this guy milk your career to support his X.  Cut him off  and maintain your advantage regarding resources for your child.

As a StepDad I have no issue with my income and resources supporting my SKid, I would take extreme exception to my income, even a single penny, going to my Skids SpermIdiot.  Every penny you contribute to even a single bill is going to your BF's X in the situation you describe. That would not happen in my world.

Though it was not a conscious decision, I would not marry an NCP who owed CS.  My DW was the CP and received CS, which I had zero problem with though we never needed that money.  Kids should be supported by their parents, married or not.

Not only are you right to be upset, you would be right to be furious and to cut off your baby daddy's X from every penny other than what is clearly COd.  No CO, no money. PERIOD! If you choose to remain with this ... "man"... and I use the term losely, take the max FMLA once you have your baby and be a SAHM as long as you choose. Demand that he pay you CS and pay every bill.  See how long he continues to pump endless piles of cash to his X when he is fully responsible for supporting his mate and the new kid.

File first and get your COd CS before his X does it.  Considering what you have shared regarding this guy, IMHO you should seriously consider foregoing a wedding and protect yourself and your child from this guys shitty judgement.

Good luck.

 

Winterglow's picture

So you'd never see him because he's too busy working to support another woman because she doesn't want to work? Has he considered that she would find a job ASAP if he stopped paying for her comfortable lifestyle? Does he understand the word "harem"? Why is he paying to pamper someone he divorced? **ETA** Oops, I hadn't taken in the fact that they were never even married. So he is throwing all his money away on someone who was only his girfriend? Wow. Apparently, he thinks that wives should take care of themselves and their children but a girlfriend has to be cared for forever! 

Sorry, but this one is no good. He clearly has no idea about roles and boundaries. He won't be worth a fart as a father either because he'd never be home with his child, goodness no, he 'd have much more important things to do than bonding, like paying for his ex-gf to sit at home ... Cancel the wedding. File for child support. Don't worry about visitation, he won't have the time.

 

Harry's picture

The first woman who files for CS gets the bigger amount of CS. The second gets far less.  Please do not married him.  Not until this whole EX thing is settled.  It would not be me where I was supporting him and he was supporting someone else. That nuts. 
You don't need this 

Kerrywho's picture

Again, something I say to every pregnant woman who comes on this site and complains about their seemingly horrible partner...

 

Why would you choose have a kid with someone like this? Why? You have control over your own body, why choose to tie yourself to someone like this for life? You're not just hurting yourself...your kid will end up being the most damaged victim in all this. 

 

Of course it's not okay he's funding his exs life. But we don't need to tell you that. And to be honest, he's probably still having sex with her because no man is going to pay an ex's way unless she's throwing down in the bedroom 

 

So now you've got poor provider, a disloyal man and most likely a cheater to raise a kid with for the next 18 years 

 

Poor decisions lead to poor outcomes...this isn't going to end well for you or your kid 

Rags's picture

When people tell and show you who they are, believe them.  Rescue projects rarely work out.  Regardless of how loved they may be and how much they claim to love a new mate.  

If they truly loved the new mate there would be no question of supporting  an X for one Cent beyond what is ordered in a CO. Not a single Cent.