I know exactly how you feel. My ss can use drugs, smoke, fail classes, be rude and mouthy and dh might tell him to "stop it". Not even an angry stop it, but more of a wheedling-"you really need to stop it ss-thinks would be so much better for you if you would". But if its one of my bios, that have also been raised as dh's, so much as farts they get in BIG trouble. For example, my ds12 had a "tone" in his voice the other night. My dh was basically accusing him of doing something and ds denied it once and then dh asked again and ss got a "tone" to him when he denied it again. Dh raised his voice and said, "Who do you think you are talking to?". Ok. Whatever. It's not like my ds12 went off on him, cursed him, etc but I agree his tone was not pleasing-so fine I am ok with dh reprimanding him-until I think of ss. My ds12 is making all a's-all his grades over 95% for goodness sakes-he cleans his room, he doesnt drink, do drugs, do anything really except be an annoying 12 year old boy at times. I have told my dh I feel like he makes a bigger issue out of piddly stuff that the kids here do, but will hardly blink an eye when ss does something major like gets suspended from school.

Dh really has no expectations of ss-he expects him to do poorly it seems so there is no real disappointment when he does. He also does not like to discipline ss-he says it is because he doesnt live here full time but he didnt do it when he did live here full time-I think it is just because he knows it wont work. Why give a consequence when you know you will get a fit and it will be ineffective? I guess is he thinking. Maybe your dh has just given up on his dd as well

Aw, hbelle and hmd, that is so unfair.

My SO doesn't discipline or yell at my kids...but he does make all kinds of excuses for SD's behavior (behavior that I won't tolerate from my kids, by the way). Um, excuse me? Yes, your child is a Child of Divorce. Guess what- so are mine! And so are a lot of kids out there in the world!

Maybe I will try to find some statistics as to how many kids out there are children of divorce so we can whip out the facts, as needed, to help point out that their own Children of Divorce are not so unique.

(notice how my kids and other kids are just children of divorce, but these skids in question are Children of Divorce?)

Yes, I have been accused of being "abusive" or "mean" to ss all based on ss's feelings toward me. Not due to any actual behavior on my part that anyone has witnessed-but just based on the fact that ss doesnt like me. I used to discipline him as I did my own kids when younger-but havent disciplined him at all in the last 4 years other than to send him to his room a couple of times when he was screaming at me and my dh was not there.

So you can bet your booties, I dont talk harshly to ss. Ever. I dont think it is fair-but one thing I will say is that my children will be better people than ss will ever be. My dh disciplines, reprimands them, and confronts disrespect from them. They know and are expected to have proper behavior. SS is not held to that standard so that is what he delivers. i think he will have quite a miserable life as he will not be able to function in a relationship, job, etc

As I was reading this post and the replies with similar situations, this thought was running through my head...and I am NOT making excuses for your SO/DHs as I believe everybody needs to have a backbone with kids...that being said, I'm wondering if these men are just feeling impotent with their own kids. Some are afraid they won't be allowed to see them, some are guilty, some are just plain lazy, but in some cases, the kids are just rotten and nothing works with them. Men are fixers and it must frustrate them that they cannot fix their relationships, kids, etc. Do they channel that frustration to their skids, whom they CAN "fix" because they're otherwise good kids? Do your kids get the brunt of their frustration about his own kids?

Just some thoughts running through my head. My brain likes to try and make sense of things. I'm a need to find answers why kind of person. Again, I do not condone the behavior of these men. They need to step up and discipline or send the kids to boot camp or something, but I can kind of understand them too (unless they fall into the lazy category).

I hope this made sense and you could follow my train of thought. Many times it derails!!

I agree with Calgon. My husband was very different with SD12 and set higher expectations with my bio kids and his sons. He would accept unbelievable behavior from SD12 and she walked all over him.I think he did that because he was trying to keep a relationship going with SD12 and was fearful of losing her. I did not accept being disrespected, which caused our home to explode. Between BM teaching PAS to SD and me not accepting the behavior, caused so much conflict that BF kicked her out of the house. Now...life is much more peaceful with out her. Except now BM is trying to work her frigg'in magic on number 2 and 3.

Like I said BM's make you wanna :sick:

When it comes to disaplining I think my BF is all over it. He doesn't want his daughter to end up like her mother. When I first came into the picture it was driving me nuts that his daughter (2) would drink from anyones cups, grab everything and anything. But I understood its been just the 2 of them so really didn't matter. But I kindly explained that she needs to start learning that you can't take (which ended up in a couple broken possessions of my sons) things that were not hers. Just manners especially when going into other peoples houses. And drinking from cups, thats how bugs spread, which I ended up getting sick after her drinking from my glass, which worked in a good way cause made him realize.

We've decided that because we're a family that we would work as team for desissions with the kids. By backing eachother and talking about concequinces/disiplining and such in private. My BF grew up with the tough love parents and I grew up with the not so much, but still was disiplined. We level each other out. If anything he's pretty strict with his daughter and I've sometimes said to maybe take it down a notch she's only 2.

I really think nipping things in the ass right off the getco rather then stewing hoping it changes is much easier on the nerves and brain then trying "deal" with whats going on. We obviously have the final say with each our kids, but I believe if can work together to accomplish the same outcome, each party will feel better that there apart of the situation rather then sitting on the sidelines not being able to put there input in. Just a thought.