Fed up.....
I am just beyond words. H sees nothing, hears nothing, does nothing. You cannot fix it, boy how I have tried to. He is a wonderful man, he truly is. He just sucks at being SD's father. Called my parents and told them that I was thinking of coming home, I just couldn't do it anymore. My poor mother was devastated, as she loves my H to death. He will give you the shirt off his back in a heartbeat. Just last weekend he got me a gas stove, spent all day Saturday running gas line. I didn't ask for it, he just knows that I love a gas stove and we had to move 6 months ago because of his job and the new house didn't have a gas stove or line to it. He said it was for all that I do.
So, this is with a very heavy heart. I would leave loving him, but he just makes things worse with SD. He has empowered her and frankly I cannot take it anymore. Friday he takes SD's computer, SD gets it back Monday. Sits at table, because he told her to, and is on it for 6 1/2 hours. Where she sits is right in front of our bedroom door. I of course cannot go to sleep with her just right there, this child has written about killing me, getting rid of me, so no not going to close my eyes with her 10 steps from my room. Bedtime here is 9 o'clock. H is sleeping. She finally goes to upstairs at 10:47, only to take a bath, and the water is so loud because the pipe is right by our vent. I go sleep on the couch. Before she got up though, our dog had to go potty, so I went to let him out. Passed by and she changes the screen and just sits there, it was cold so I came in to get socks, she is still just sitting there doing nothing. Sit on the bed to put on socks and catch her turned around looking into our bedroom. She turns back around real quick when I see her. Go outside with dog, bring him in and he has brought in a stick. I get it from him and head to the garbage can, she is eating and standing in front of it. No attempt to move over at all, I know the stance well. I just sit it on the counter and go back to bed.
Tuesday, same thing 7 hours on the computer, H sleeping. I am watching TV in the living room. Have to quit and put on headphones and listen to music, because she is looking at lyrics and singing. So, I just block it out with my headphones. At about 8 I go get Ice and a drink, pass by and she has a photo of her on one side and text on the other, when going back to the living room, no text just her photo. Everything is moved over to one side of the table, flower arrangement, placemats, everything, just for a laptop. At 9:30 I go take a bath and she is drawing her photo, photo one side, text on the other. 10 O'clock I turn off the lights without saying one word to her, go lay down and read. She is so loud, slapping pencils on the table. I almost was to the point of waking up H and telling him to deal with his child, but I didn't want the drama honestly. I do not have it in me right now. Same thing 11 o'clock she is running a bath and again I go sleep on the couch.
This morning my table has scratches all on it, tried to get it out, but nope they are there. I take my son to school,he has to go an hour earlier than her, so I lock my door to my bedroom and leave. She catches the bus and is gone before I get back. Everyone knows that I cannot tolerate cheap perfume, this is not secret. I get red eyes, runny nose, sneeze for hours and I can taste it for hours. Right in front of my bedroom door, she sprayed the shit out of just that. It was horrible. My nose is still running. Again, done on purpose. Then H has the nerve to text me and tell me to please stop, I am making him stressed out more that he needs to be? Huh? He is going to a stressful job and no need for me to reply, just stop??? My text back was I,I,I....ME, ME, ME and at least you are well rested with all the sleep you have gotten. Then he texted back and said well go ahead and let me have it, My reply was NO RESPONSE.
I just cannot take it anymore, she lies on me. Any and ever time I have ever called her out on her BS I am lying, she sets out to make my life miserable, have that even in writing. I am just broke, I believe I finally have had my limit. He is an enabler, he empowers her. All the years of the same thing, only now we are in serious stuff. For years when asked why did you do that to SM, her reply I hate her. Why, because she cannot get away with things with me. She cannot stand that I am not a head in the sand type of parent. And it is so hard to even try to be. I know this is long, but I needed the vent.
You say H is a really good
You say H is a really good man and I'm sure he has his good traits but the fact that he sees, hears, and does nothing is a big flaw that cannot go unnoticed and not addressed. If you're considering leaving him you should think of having a talk with him 1st. He needs to know just where you are at this point in your marriage. This is a big red flag and if he doesn't make an effort to try and get help to remedy the situation than you'll have a lifetime of this bullsh!t if you continue to stay.
"Then H has the nerve to text me and tell me to please stop. I am making him stressed out more that he needs to be? Huh?"
He's texting you this and not confronting the matter in person that's # 1. It seems like he's only getting one side of the story and its obvious he doesn't want to deal with it so that says a lot on what the future brings.
Yes, its great he bought you that gas stove but that's not a reason to over look the issues that are going on in your marriage. That stove or anything else he buys you is not going to help what's going on now with you, him, and his daughter.
Oh I know that
I know that anything he buys is not compensation for his lack of disrespect with his daughter. I am not a materialistic person at all. I was using that as he does think of others. Meaning, both of our parents have limited funds, cable went up and both turned it off. He couldn't stand it, so he went and bought both a Roku and he pays for internet and netflix account for both. His dad's truck broke down, drove 2 hrs after work that same day to fix it. My mom just mentioned a new tub and he went and got it. His mom got sick and couldn't get around, we went and redid her whole house with handicap things to make it easier. Right now, he has a co-worker that is on dalasis and needs a liver transplant. He has the same blood type and is going to be tested. This co-worker is young and has 3 kids that are all under 5 years old. I was just trying to let people see that he is not a horrible person and it would be devastating to leave. If it wasn't for the SD, we wouldn't have any issues. His parents and mine, keep telling me to just stick it out, 2 more years. You honestly cannot get better than him as far as a husband, he just hasn't a clue when it comes to his daughter.
Are you sure that it would
Are you sure that it would only be 2 more years? I see plenty of comments on here from people with adult stepchildren who make their life's h*LL even when they hardly see each other. Also, are you sure that your DH would be able to get her out at 18?
Why is the table that she
Why is the table that she "must" use in front of your bedroom.. that is causing you hours of sleeplessness.
The shower thing? It sounds like she wants to shower or bathe right before bed. TBH, nothing horrible about that.. and she can't know about the pipe issue.. unless she has been specifically told to not shower at certain hours due to that issue. And if she has? learn where the cut off valve is and turn the water off..lol.
It sounds like your DH is well capable of sleeping through a nuclear bomb.. as is my DH.. unfortunately it means I get less sleep.
The perfume thing.. might be intentional. or she just is bathing in it.. because she is nose blind to it. I would be retrieving that perfume and it would go MIA.. where you would just doe eyed shrug.. "I don't know".
I’ve had my
limit too. There’s just a certain point when enough is enough. I’m there, sound like you are too. I’ve tried, I really have; I’ve put up with more than I should. I do understand how you feel and it’s heart shattering to break apart your family due to a heartless kniving child; but when the bio parent refuses to actually parent what are you left to do but leave? I have been kicked in the stomach (while pregnant), I have been lied on, I have been smarted off to, the list goes on and on. My SO has NEVER gave any consequences or punishment. SD has plainly said that I am the only person she treats that way. SO will only raise his voice saying he’s tired of it and he will not allow her to keep treating me this way. Yea, well, he’s been repeating that for 4 years and it’s still happening. I’m done. I’m gone. I’m in the process of moving me and our children out at least part time for now.
ETA: I’ve also had the “reprimanded texts”. When I’ve texted to let him know everything his spawn had said and done to me. He has told me to not text him bc he’s had a hard day and doesn’t want to hear it.
I think our SO's are the same person.
BOY can I relate to that.
I'm just glad to hear that leaving is not out of the question. You cannot wait 2 more years going through this.
Living in separate residences could be just the solution you need.
I'm assuming SD is 16, is
I'm assuming SD is 16, is that why everyone is saying hang in there for 2 more years? Do people think she's going to turn into a rainbow farting unicorn at 18? If thats the case then please read up at the Adult Stepchildren board about the ongoing/neverending adventures with adult skids.
I agree that living apart may be the best solution right now, even if it means just taking a break with OP going to stay with her parents for awhile. Parents have to have uninterrupted 1-1 time with their darlings to really see their behavior. Having a stepparent around as a buffer ensures all the teen angst is diverted to sm rather than dad. The bio parent only see what an angel they are and has no idea what the mean ol' jealous stepparent is talking about.
None of these men are
None of these men are horrible people (well, most of them are not.) They are just unbelievably PASSIVE people, and especially when it comes to their children. Your DH is allowing his daughter to mistreat you and then blaming you for his stress. That's not wonderful, at all.
Perhaps you can plan to move out but not actually separate or divorce. Just let him know you will need to live apart until SD no longer lives in the home.
He may be a wonderful man (I
He may be a wonderful man (I'm not convinced, but he certainly seems to be thoughtful of others), but he's not a wonderful husband, and that's his role with you. A good husband does not let his daughter act as she is to you. A good husband backs up his wife.
You are the one in this marriage, you are the one who is having to put up with SD15 day in and day out. You are the one who knows when you're at your breaking point. It doesn't matter how wonderful your parents think DH is. They're not living your life. They don't see the entire picture. You need to do what is best for you and not worry about what your family or anyone else thinks about it.
You and only you know what's
You and only you know what's best for your child and yourself. You can't rely on the opinions of your parents, because they're influenced by the nice things their SIL does for them. If you've reached your limit with the hostility, mistreatment of your son, and your H's nonparenting, then do what what's best for you.
Also, you should definitely make that cologne disappear without a word. Your H may be too weak to handle his daughter, but you are an adult in the home, too. Do what needs doing, because your H won't.
Lastly, don't fool yourself into thinking that your SD will only be around for a couple more years, because spoilt undisciplined skids seldom launch at 18. These kids lack life skills, are lazy, and dont do well up against real world expectations. At best they boomerang, bringing strife with them, or the girls get knocked up and expect Daaddee to subsidize their mistakes.
I'm a Little Confused
Ryna: I can tell this is causing you a TON of stress. But I can't honestly tell what the SD is DOING to upset you. It upsets you that she in on her computer? Is this after school (I assume she's a high schooler)? Is she taking showers before bed as a personal affront to YOU? Many people I know take a shower just before bed. That's pretty normal especially if she has to be up very early for high school. Is it just the closeness? I just can't quite tell.
Why are you not able to
Why are you not able to demand respect in your home?
I get the issues you have listed are minor - but my assumption is that it isn't exactly these that anger you. But rather the treatment associated with it.
I would set clear boundaries and each and every time they are broken consequences happen. If your DH won't set those then you do it!
Missed bedtime - consequence.
In BS room - consequence.
Talks to you negatively - consequence.
No if, ands or buts. It happens whether your DH likes it or not. You have tried to disengage and got nowhere. Now your last ditch effort is to take your home back and create some peace in your life. Don't let this child chase you out!
I would also be dealing.with these minor issues in a different manner...
No SD you cannot use your computer on that table because you have proven that you don't respect nice things. Here is a TV tray you can use. If she does it anyway I would simply remove the power cord and walk away.
Standing in front of the trash can. Excuse me SD. If she doesn't move I would then take over the space with my body and probably accidentally knock whatever she is eating onto the floor and then fake apologize profusely.
Shower time is prior to our bedtime as the sounds keeps us awake. If she does it anyway I would shut off the hot water and go back to bed.
Perfume - I'm sorry SD but I am severely allergic to perfume. Here is one that does not bother me. If she continues to use the others I would simply just trash them.
Never would I allow a kid to push me around a home that I contribute to. Willing or unwilling DH included.