As some of you know, my almost 6 yr. relationship ended a month ago and I am still in shell-shock, although, each day gets a little better and I discover little blessings in each. However, I slip, like now, and start thinking of how much I still love him - and yes, even miss his kids. I think about how I should've done things differently. Friends tell me no matter what I would've done, I was in an impossible situation. Kids are very well-to-do thus extremely privilaged. BM claims to be a pyschic and even has her own business with past life regression hypnosis. Exbf has always put Bm and k's first. Said I had a chip on my shoulder with BM and that it was affecting the k's. K's didn't want my daughter (who is cognitively disabled 20yr. old) or me living their anymore. Said my daughter was bossy. She is strong and sticks up for herself and me. She told k's that they didn't respect me because they were making a lot of noise and I was trying to sleep for my 3rd shift job. I keep thinging that maybe I could've done more, go to more of their events, although bf never really asked me to go along. He would just say he had to bring so-and-so to their game. BM was usually going to be there also and I guess that was my problem for not wanting to go. I felt that this was a family thing for them.

I never really knew when we were getting the k's. The schedule constantly changed. My bf had to travel alot so that was part of it but the BM would change the schedule too and I was always the last to know. Then bf would take it personally if I would say "Oh,we have the kids tonight-I was hoping we could go out" and say I didn't show joy that his k's were coming.

I feel very weak right now and sad because I guess I did feel a sense of long term security in the relaitionship. Mainly, because I knew that even though how hard it was I was sticking to it and making it work. I guess he gave up. He recently retired, sold his business, made a substantial amount and maybe he is also going through a mid-life c. which I know I could never control anyway.
I guess I need affirmation that things were only going to get worse , that he must not of really loved me, or that yes it was my fault and I really screwed up (but I know in my head the latter isn't true, because I am loving, patient and kind)

I did disengage and that made things worse. Mainly because of working so much and not having time or energy for 3k's plus my BD moods (she also suffers from sever panic-anxiety, depression) BF wasn't always keen on her moods. Said it affected his kids with her being there. She always got along with the older k and she is now missing her terribly.

Bf's other reason was that there was no spark in our relationship, mainly because he said it goes deep with me not accepting his kids. Well, I am not the K's mom and I needed time/years to bond.
5/6 years wasn't enough and now they are hitting the teenage years. I've noticed a bit more snootiness on their part and consider that normal. I didn't take it personally as bf took everthing like a slam to his k's.

I know it is for the better, yet part of me still wants to be there loving them, woking it out, maybe changing my behaviour- I wasn't perfect either. I could've done more.